Alternate Earth
by A. Nonymous III esq
Summary: REVISED: It's the beginning of the first part (there are 2 so far), and it's just Laura and Rachel, trying to write a decent fanfiction,until after some freak, unknown incident launches them into their own story.
1. Default Chapter

Alternate Earth Note: This belongs to Squaresoft. Not me. I also have received permission from LadyTifa26 for usage of her as an official character. So, no privacy  
has been invaded. IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS, TALK TO HER, NOT ME! V2.(yes, version TWO. . .) This is about the second time AE has been taken off for TYPOS. . . So, if you'd excuse me, I'll be bashing my head into the wall if I'm forced to revise it again (didn't do much of a job, last time. . .), and enjoy the revisions, for those of you who moved onto the second season, there are going to be some different parts. Thank you.  
  
For a time in the suburbs, there existed a place. A quiet house. A quiet house, with a nice driveway, no porch (renovations. . .yick), and did I mention quiet?  
"Vincent."  
"Cloud."  
"Vincent!"  
"Cloud!"  
"Vincent!!"  
  
Well. . .I COULD be wrong....  
  
"CLOUD!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. Rachel, a devoted Cloud fan girl argued with her best friend Laura, a Vincent fan girl, over whether the new fanfic would be a Cloti, or a Vin/Tif.  
"Fine, fine Cloud. . . But give Vincent the good lines.", acquiesced Laura in defeat, folding her arms and scowling in disappointment.  
"No way!" shouted Rachel. "This is a Clotif, so Cloud gets the good lines. And besides, I already designed this story."  
"Then why am I here?" she asked, looking at Rachel's room, if you could even call it that. Clothes and mangas were strewn about, and you couldn't even see the floor. Under the sea of filth and decay, you could PROBABLY make out the white carpet. . .Or was that the carcass of a dead rat? The world may never know.  
"You're a faster typer.", Rachel protested.  
"Is that all I'm good for?", asked Laura, skeptically.  
"No. . .", said Rachel, meekly.  
"Then what else?" interrogated Laura.  
"There's uh, there's. . .pass?" said Rachel with a nervous smile.  
"You owe me," said laura, leering at her friend.  
"Uh. . .What?", asked Rachel, expecting something painful.  
"A shirtless Vincent picture.", said Laura with a ruthless smile.  
Rachel cocked an eyebrow. "Why?"  
"You're a better artist," Laura mumbled, not wanting to admit it.  
"Is that all-hey!" Rachel said, cutting herself off, realizing the circle Laura was leading her in like a dog on a leash at the redundancy of this statement. If there's something particular about Rachel, it's not being a very fast-witted person.  
"MUAHAHA! My logic defeats you yet again mortal!", Laura cackled, proud of herself.  
"Yeah whatever," Rachel was saying, "At least when I draw Vincent, he doesn't look like a dinosaur with a gun."  
"Shut up," Laura snapped. "Just 'cause you studied anatomy. . ."  
"Oh sure. . .right. . ." Rachel began sounding nervous. "Anatomy not p- I mean, yeah, anatomy."  
"Oh yeah, I'm SURE you got something out of those classes, I could tell," Laura said, pryingly, not dumb enough to ignore Rachel's. . .lead on.  
"Yeah, well it's cheaper than dating. And it's in school, too. . .Heh, heh. . . ," said Rachel as she "fondly" remembered the male anatomy course she took in advanced art class. "But I'll only give you that picture if we start now."  
Laura smirked with satisfaction. "Deal."  
  
"Huff. . .huff. . ." It was 10 hours later, and Rachel was finishing up the story. Laura had blacked out in front of the computer. 2 AM. Not a very nice time to be typing and updating things onto a database. "Need. . .finish need. . ." Rachel looked bloodshot, worn down by the hours. "Stay. . .AWAKE!" THUD! Her head banged against the table as she blacked out, desperately reaching for her coffee across from her.  
  
"Rachel. . ." Rachel heard a voice as she was waking up. Shivering, she felt cold earth beneath her body. "RACHEL!"  
"Mommy, is that you?", Rachel groaned, her eyes still closed and feeling like a truck backed up on her. "Five more minutes, please. . ."  
"Snap out of it!" It sounded like Laura. "Laura, you're not mommy. . . ," said Rachel, still in her delirious state.  
Laura sighed. "Look where we are!"  
"Disneyland?", Rachel guessed.  
"Shut the #$%! up, and look!", Laura snapped at her. Rachel rubbed her eyes, and now saw she was under the old and creaking well, in the center of a small mountain town.  
"Oh my God!", Rachel exclaimed. "We're in Germany!"  
"Jesus, you're so stupid!", said Laura "It's Nibelheim!"  
"What's the difference?", asked Rachel, still a little unsure of her surroundings. "And what kind of dope have you been smoking? Nibelheim?" Rachel brushed off her arms, flecked with the dust from the dry ground. "Uh. . .Laura? What's up with my clothes? Where's my school uniform?" Rachel was sitting in a white, high collar shirt with sleeves that reached to her elbows, leather fingerless gloves with a metal back, multiple ear piercings, two in the left ear, and three in the right, all being silver studs, except for the third piercing, which was a small gold ring. Her pants were loose and baggy, with cargo pockets and a black belt. Among all else, she wore brown leather boots, and. . .um. . . "Laura, since when did I wear shirts like this?!" Her shirt was revealing her stomach, except the shirt had a back to the stomach that hung off of it. "QUICK! GIMME ANOTHER SHIRT!"  
"Don't sweat about it. . . ," said Laura. "You look fine. . ."  
". . .Laura? What in God's name are YOU wearing?!" Laura sighed as her friend peered up at her. She in turn was wearing a blue hooded sweater that too had her stomach revealed, but didn't have the back hanging off, the same gloves and shoes, but she silver bracelets on her right hand, and double piercings in her ears. Her pants were jeans like Rachel's, but they cut off at the knee, and she had a black belt and a chain hanging in a loop to reconnect with the belt further on to the back of her pants, more to the side.  
Rachel smirked at her friend's appearance. "Nice fashion statement, Laura. What are you, a final fantasy character?"  
"Shut up, belly button girl," said Laura, looking at Rachel, still unused to being in that type of clothing.  
Rachel scowled. "Oh, whatever. . ." Looking around and still confused, Rachel cocked an eyebrow and looked up at Laura again before trying to stand. ". . .Nibelheim? I told you Laura, don't hang out with those people who do drugs. DID YOU DO DRUGS, LAURA?! I'LL KNOW! I'M YOUR FRIEND! COME ON, I'LL GET A CUP, YOU GIVE ME A SAMPLE, I'LL TEST IT-  
"I'M NOT A TOKER. . . ," Laura said.  
"Fine. Don't get any assurance. Meanie," Rachel said. "Are you even being serious with me? We're not in Hong Kong, are we?"  
"I'm serious! Look over there!" Laura pointed to Tifa's house, as it was distinct with its multiple chimney pipes.  
"Wait, if this is Nibelheim. . ." A glimmer of realization came to Rachel's eyes. "CLOUDY, I'M COMING!" Rachel tried taking off in the direction of the house in front of her.  
"Get back here," said Laura as she grabbed the scruff of Rachel's shirt.  
"NO! YOU CAN'T DENY TRUE LOVE!", Rachel fought back, almost having a conniption.  
"Holy hell!" They heard a voice scream from the inside of Tifa's house. "Since when did dead people do your breakfasts?!"  
"Wait, this seems familiar. . . ," said Rachel. She realized she was sitting on some paper, and a pen. ". . .My story? How'd it get here? How'd WE get here?!"  
"Hold on, let me see that.", said Laura as she snatched the paper. "Oh, Jesus. . .I think we're in your story."  
"Huh? That's impossible! What kind of clichéd storyline would THAT make, anyway?! Haven't you seen all the totally bad fanfictions on that?!", Rachel said looking at the paper. She scanned the pages, and then found Ch.5, paragraph 2. "Laura, come with me." Rachel turned her eyes to Tifa's house.  
"What for?" Laura feared Rachel was going to do something. . .drastic.  
"Just move it," said Rachel as she headed for some bushes near Tifa's house. "If this is what I think it is, this is where Vincent sees Aeris alive again."  
"Vincent? My Vinnie?", asked Laura, as she looked around eagerly, following Rachel and camping out with her behind those bushes.  
"Don't get your hopes up," said Rachel. "I'm just checking if this is what I think it is. Laura?" She was gone, and the door clicked open as the swish of a crimson cloak passed by. "No Laura! Don't!"  
"SQUEE!" There was a piercing, high-pitched fangirlish squeal, ringing in the air.  
"AAAH!" On the ground, a tall, pale man with a gothic appearance sat flat under Laura, who pinned him on the ground.  
"Vincent?" Tifa came out of the door, followed by Cloud and Aeris, hurrying after.  
"GET HER OFF ME!" Vincent, was trying to move free of the dead weight upon him.  
"Awww, Vinnie I know you tease," said Laura as she stroked his midnight black hair, her eyes clouded with ecstasy.  
"Huh?" Cloud and Aeris turned around to see Rachel, hunched behind the bushes, gaping at the sight of her coveted lust object. Her brown eyes' pupils turned pinpoint. "CLOUDY! SQUEE!" She sprang and tackled Cloud, but much to Tifa and Aeris' displeasure of watching a strange girl all over him, they quickly apprehended her.  
"DON'T WORRY CLOUDY!", Rachel shouted, as she was pulled away unwillingly by her ankles. "OUR LOVE WILL LAST FOREVER AND EVER!"  
"Has everyone forgotten me?", whimpered Vincent as Laura fondled with his hair even more.  
"Oh, but Vinnie, I know you love me!", said Laura, brushing his hair behind his head, smiling widely. "You wish to marry me! And I accept! We'll live in a castle on a cliff by the ocean with a white sandy beach below it, and we'll live happily ever after! I've already named our several children! Or better yet! WE'LL FILL THE WORLD WITH OUR CHILDREN! HOW DOES THAT SOUND?!"  
"TERRIBLE!", he shouted. "Please, release me, demon child!"  
"But you LOVE me Vinnie!"  
"Excuse me, but I only love one woman," he said, thinking back to Lucrecia.  
"AND THAT'S ME! ISN'T IT VINNIE?!", she shouted in his face, shaking with anticipation.  
"SOMEONE GET HER OFF ME!" he cried.  
"Who are you? Have you been spying?", asked Aeris, picking up the story, and browsing over its contents.  
"I'm Rachel, pen name A. Nonymous III esq. And this is Laura, pen name LadyTifa26. And uh. . .this may take a while to explain. I don't even know how to explain it. . ."  
"Help. . . ," muttered Vincent as Laura was trying to kiss him.  
"Come on, we'll take them to Cid and the others. We need SOME sort of guidance, right?", asked Cloud.  
"Sure, we'll take him to the ONE man with the short temper and mouth worse than a sailor," said Tifa.  
"They say cursing like a sailor is bad, but they haven't seen Cid. . .More like cursing like a pilot, eh?", said Cloud. Tifa looked a little irritated at him. "Um, right! To the captain!"  
"Are you sure I should go?" asked Aeris. "I mean, they've never seen me alive again, and with these two. . ." She looked at Rachel, whom Tifa was holding her back from Cloud, and Laura who was still lying over Vincent.  
"We'll just have to explain it to them there.", said Cloud with a shrug. "Let's go."  
  
"WWHHHEEEEEEE!!!", the fan girls shouted from on top of a chocobo. Cloud was riding his own gold chocobo, Knight, and Tifa and Aeris were riding Choco, Tifa's gold chocobo. Vincent was riding a black chocobo, Shadow, and Laura was clutching him affectionately, as Rachel rode on her own separate chocobo, for Tifa and Aeris made sure she stayed away from Cloud. . . Vincent sighed audibly as Laura snuggled on him. "Why is she riding with me? Why is DEMON CHILD clutched to my back?! Is this some divine joke?!"  
"Think about it as, uh. . .Well, you always wanted to repay for past sins, right Vincent?" said Aeris. Vincent glared at her over his cloak collar. "Okay, don't egg you on. Got it."  
"Awwww, Vinnie, you know you like it.", cooed Laura from behind.  
"You're a child!" he said. "I'm no pedophile! What are you, 15?!"  
"I'm 17!" she corrected.  
"And I'm 27!" he said.  
"But Vinnie, age isn't important!" she whined. "I can prove young wives are good! When you're old and unwholesome, I'll still be young and hot, right?! Although, I doubt YOU, Vinnie, could EVER be unwholesome. . ." She fondled with his hair a little more.  
"DEAR LORD! YOU STOP IT NOW!" he said, slapping her hand from his hair. "Wow Vinnie, you sure are protective of your hair," said Laura. "Don't call me 'Vinnie'.", he grumbled. "Your hair is SOOOO shiny, Vinnie," said Laura, persisting.

"Don't call me 'Vinnie'!"

"And Vinnie, you don't have any split ends. You really take good care of your hair. Hmm. . .Vinnie, does that mean you're gay? No, you couldn't be! YOU LOVE ME! DON'TCHA, VINNIE?!" "STOP CALLING ME 'VINNIE'!" he barked.  
"Oh, right. I'll do it when it's more. . .private," she giggled.  
"Oh merciful god, what sin have I made to incur your wrath?", he asked.  
  
They rode to the Gongaga area, where Cid and the others were fixing the engine of the Highwind.  
"Yep, my baby needs maintenance after 300,000 miles. . .", sighed Cid, looking back proudly at his "baby".  
"Cid, how many miles does this thing have, anyway?", asked Yuffie, strolling up to it with her hands on her hips. She bent forward, peering at Cid's handiwork. ". . .You're missing a screw."  
"WHAT?!" Cid shouted. "MISSING A SCREW?! WHAT THE #$! DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE HIGHWIND?!"  
"It seems the Highwind isn't the only thing with a screw loose. . .", said Yuffie, turning around and sighing. "Oh well. Go, see for yourself. . ." Yuffie strolled off.  
"Grr. . .She don't know. . .nothing?" Cid muttered until he saw a screw missing from the panel he was working on. He peered around, making sure nobody was around to see his mistake, and began to fix it.  
"I KNEW IT!" shouted Yuffie, popping out og nowhere, upside down on one of the propellers above him.  
"AAAAHHHH! &$(#!" he screamed. "GET AWAY!"  
Yuffie smirked. "Okay. . . ," she said in a singsong voice. "I'm going. . ."  
"OOOOH! COOL!", exclaimed Rachel when she saw the airship up close.  
"Hey Cid, we have a few. . .guests.", said Tifa, walking up and glaring at Rachel, who was holding on to Cloud.  
Vincent however, had his hands full with Laura. "GET OFF ME, DEMON CHILD!"  
"I'M NOT A CHILD!" Laura shouted.  
"THEN JUST GET OFF, OR I'LL SHOOT YOU!" he said, angrily.  
"BUT I'VE ALREADY BEEN SHOT BY CUPID'S ARROW, VINNIE!" said Laura, hugging tighter.  
"AAARRGH!" yelled Vincent.  
"Wow, you always bring the best guests. Now come on, move your lazy asses inside!" yelled Cid, growing impatient.  
"Er, hi Cid.", said Aeris, very nervous about her sudden appearance.  
"Holy shit! Aeris?" And he lifted his spear and tried to poke her with it.  
"Cid, I can assure you she's real.", said Cloud, trying to push off his admirer.  
"Get off!", yelled Tifa to Rachel.  
"Wow, touchy touchy for someone who already proclaimed their love to someone.", she said, referring to the beginning of the story.  
"What?", asked Aeris.  
"Yeah, and they even-!" Rachel was cut off by Cloud, who muffled her mouth.  
"Nothing, nothing. . . ," he said through a fake smile.  
"OOOOH! What's this?" asked Laura as she took some green materia from Vincent's gun.  
"Give me that! It's-!" Poof! Vincent became a toad.  
"EEEEK!" Laura screamed. "VINNIE, YOU'RE A TOAD! LEMME KISS YOU TO MAKE YOU BETTER!"  
"HAHA! Now look what you did to him!" laughed Rachel.  
"That's it, if you're not getting off of him. . .", warned Tifa, rolling up her sleeves.  
"AAHHH! HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT!" screamed Rachel when Tifa directed a blast of Fire3 at her, then collapsing over with burns.  
"Uh, Tifa? The purpose was to get her off of me, not kill her.", said Cloud, nudging the unconscious body of Rachel with his boot.  
"Nope. Didn't hear a thing you said.", said Tifa, rubbing her hands together with satisfation.  
"This is a three-ring circus! So get your lazy carney asses inside before I kick em'!", yelled Cid, directing them inside. "Buncha dumbasses. . ."  
  
"WHAT!", yelled everybody when they saw Aeris. They were all collaborated in the kitchen of the Highwind, around a table.  
"No time to explain.", she said.  
"Yeah, we have something else to take care of.", said Cloud, dragging in Rachel.  
"What?", asked Yuffie, hopping over the table anxiously.  
"These guys.", said Tifa, pointing to Rachel who was being carried by Cloud, and Laura who was still latched on to Vincent.  
"Vinnie. . .", said Laura as she snuggled her head even deeper into his chest.  
"Grr. . ." And so they sat down to lunch to talk everything that happened over, while Rachel just sat there unconscious with her head faced down on the table.  
"I don't get it. You just "appeared" here?" said Cid, who didn't believe a word.  
"Eeyup!", said Laura. "It was destiny, wasn't it Vinnie?"  
"Why doesn't anyone help me?" said Vincent as she tried to push her off, but little did he know it's impossible to break a fangirl's grip from her lust object.  
"Don't believe it," said Barret. "First Weapon, then Aeris gives us coronaries by coming back, and now we have a couple of admirers on our heels!" He threw up his arms, when Red had him lower it.  
"Barret? Put the arm down. We don't need a hole in the roof," said Red.  
Barret leered at the catlike animal, which only returned a wide smile. He grumbled and returned his attention to everyone else.  
"Wait, Weapon?", asked Laura. "Oh boy. . ."  
"What, you didn't spy on us?", asked Aeris. "You have it right here in the beginning of your report!" Aeris put the story on the table, in front of Laura.  
"Uh, first of all, I didn't write that. That was Rachel." And she looked at Rachel, and a pool of drool was forming. "And next of all, that's part of our explanation of being here. We're in our own story." They all just looked at her, then burst out laughing.  
"You expect us to believe that?", said Cid.  
"I'm serious! Give me that!", she said as she took the story off the table. "Now here. . .What!"  
"See, you're lyin'!", said Barret, convinced.  
"No way! Look at it!" she said. And the paper had written down everything that happened that day, and every important thing they ever said or thought was written on it. "Here! Look at this!" And as she spoke, the words appeared on the paper. Laura slowly had an idea. "Hmm, let me try something. . . ," she said as she picked up the pen.  
"MARRY ME! I LOVE YOU LAURA!" exclaimed Vincent, and he covered his mouth. "Why'd I just say that?"  
"Cool! When I write on here, it happens! And Vinnie I WILL marry you!" She tackled him and knocked him off his seat, making a loud "THUD!" on the ground.  
"Give me that!", yelled Cid, trying to reach the paper.  
"Get away, or I'll make you bald!", said Laura as she put the  
pen to the paper. Everyone backed away, holding on to their heads.  
"That's better," Laura proclaimed. She wrote something else, and Rachel woke up.  
"Huh? Waffles please... ," she said as she got up, rubbing her eyes.  
"Hey Rachel! I got that weapon of mass destruction you wanted!" Laura lifted up her pen.  
"My pen? Cool," Rachel said, groggily. "Where am I again?"  
"The Highwind. And let me try something. . ." But the ground shook, and the red alert sensors appeared around them, blaring a loud siren that filled the ship.  
"Oh SSHIIT!" yelled Cid. "Weapon!"  
  
Hey there, sorry if this sucked. It's my first try at a funny fanfic. And as you can tell, I'm not too good. But it gets better, at least I hope. So please, nothing too harsh, I'll improve I swear!


	2. Chapter 2: The Fun Begins

Chapter 2: The Fun Begins  
Note: This land has been annexed in the name of Squaresoft. And oh yes, permission has been granted unto me by all characters, except the fictional  
ones, owned by Squaresoft.  
  
"Oh, crackers."  
"Come on, let's go!", yelled Cid as they all ran out of the galley.  
"Are we supposed to do something?", asked Rachel after sitting there for a few moments to Laura while all the alert lights were flashing and sirens blaring.  
"I dunno! You wrote the story! AHHH!", she screamed as Tifa ran back in the room and grabbed them. Cid fired up the engines, and they were all thrown back against the wall as soon as they reached the bridge.  
"Uh, Laura?", asked Rachel against the force pressing against her body.  
"What?"  
"The attack of Weapon isn't supposed to be for a chapter!"  
"Uh, well, I can explain!"  
"Yeah, what?"  
"You see, you were drooling all over the table and there were no napkins so . . ."  
"YOU TOOK OUT THE PAGES!", yelled Rachel, turning red.  
"But it was icky!", whimpered Laura.  
"WHAT THE #&%$! YOU DON'T TAKE OUT THE %%! PAGES! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW THE STORY ENDS!?!"  
"Uhhh. . . ", cowered Laura. "No. . ."  
"AERIS DIES!"  
"Oops."  
"What? Who dies?", asks Aeris.  
"Uh, heh heh, nobody dies. . .", said Laura as she covered Rachel's still yelling mouth. "Look!", Laura hissed. "I've gotten this taken care of!" And the Highwind swooped down to the western coast of the continent, to the shore on the side of the desert.  
"We're all gonna die, we're all gonna die, we're all gonna die. . .!", screamed Rachel.  
"SHUT UP!", yelled Cid.  
"Hey, I should know I wrote this thing!"  
"I still don't believe it!"  
"Let's do!", yelled Cloud as he left the ship. And Laura pulled a sobbing Rachel to the battle zone,  
"Stop freaking out!", yelled Laura. "I have this under control!" And Rachel stopped and just looked at her. "There, that's better."  
"I DON'T WANNA DIE!", Rachel continued screaming. Laura took her over to the beach, dragging her as she left scratch marks in the ground. And then they all saw the huge mass of something in the distance. It had gigantic arms, no feet, and two elongated heads with mouths that contained entirely teeth, sticking out like iron spikes.  
"THIS IS YOUR WEAPON!", yelled Laura at Rachel. "YOU HAD TO BE INCOMPETENT AT EVERYTHING, BESIDES CREATING MONSTERS! I THOUGHT YOURS WOULD BE A FLUFFY BUNNY!"  
"WELL WHAT!? WEAPON IS SUPPOSED TO BE FREAKY!"  
"I. . . hate you. . ."  
"Get ready!", yelled Red XIII. And all the members of AVALANCHE assumed their fighting stances, bearing all arms.  
"Oh, crap. What are we supposed to defend ourselves with? Laura? Not again. . ."  
"OH VINNIE WILL PROTECT ME! Won't you Vinnie?"  
"YOU SAID YOU HAD THIS ALL TAKEN CARE OF!", yelled Rachel.  
"I DO! DON'T RUIN THIS!", whispered back Laura.  
"EERRAAHHAARRGGH!", yelled the Weapon.  
"YOU SHUT UP!", yelled Rachel at the Weapon.  
"IF YOU'RE GONNA SO SOMETHING, DO IT NOW!", Rachel yelled at Laura.  
"AND WHY NOW!?", she yelled back.  
"BEFORE AERIS DIES, STUPID!"  
"How long is this gonna take?", asked Weapon.  
"Yeah, we have some carnage and destruction to take care of.", said the other head.  
"Hold on, we're almost done.", said Rachel.  
"That thing talks?", asked Laura.  
"Of course, I'm its creator."  
"That doesn't mean anything."  
"I like it if all the things I made talk. What?"  
"God, you are so STUPID!"  
"Just get rid of him before Aeris dies."  
"Who dies?", asks Cloud and Aeris in unison.  
"You do, now shut up. Get rid of it!", says Rachel.  
"Heh heh, this'll be fun. . .", grinned Laura. And she wrote something down on the paper.  
"EEEP!", yelled Weapon, as it rapidly shrunk in size.  
"HAHA! Now I have a pet!", yelled Rachel maniacally. "Mom and dad can't say anything about this!" But Laura picked it up and squished it. "HEY! What was that for!"  
"I wanted to kill it."  
"Uh, have you two forgotten about us?", asked Yuffie between the arguments.  
"OH I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU VINNIE!", screamed Laura as she pounced on him.  
"CLOUDY, I WAS SO SCARED!", yelled Rachel as she ran and tackled him.  
"THAT'S IT!", yelled Tifa. THWACK! Rachel was punched out cold. "And now for you. . ."  
"Get back! I have the pen!", Laura yelled. And they all backed off, remembering how gruesomely she squished Weapon. "Haha! You will now all be my eternal slaves!", she said and she turned around to face Vincent. "And guess who'll be my love slave?!", she said in a singsong voice.  
"Oh merciful Jesus!", he screamed. "If you had any say in this, smite me down now!" And there was nothing but silence. "Darn."  
"And so it shall be written!" And she put the pen down on the paper, and they all winced. "Stupid pen. . . won't WRITE!"  
"YEESSSS! GOD DOES LOVE ME!", cried Vincent.  
"Uh, hi guys. . .", she said as she was being ganged up on. "How's it going? AAHHHHHHHHHH!" And all hell broke loose as they all jumped on her. By the time they were done, she lay there in a bloody heap on the ground twitching.  
"Nice kick Tifa.", said Cloud.  
"What are we supposed to do with them now?", asked Barret.  
"On one hand, they are the most annoying things ever created on this planet.", said Aeris, and they all shook their heads in agreement. "But on the other hand, they DID save my life."  
"You're not serious!", yelled Cid.  
"Sorry Cid. . ."  
"Cloud, she likes you, ya' gotta say somethin'!", pleaded Barret.  
"I DO hate them. . .Especially this one.", he said as he kicked at Rachel's body. "But they DID save Aeris. . . I suppose we have to until they find a way to leave."  
"Oh what hell has this man unleashed?", said Vincent. "Sigh...Let's take them back. . ." So they issued out a stretcher and piled Rachel and Laura onto it.  
  
"Huh?", said Rachel, regaining consciousness. She looked around, and she was in Tifa's house. She could barely move, and had no idea what was going on. Cloud then walked in, and she tried to jump on him.  
"Don't even try that." And when she looked, she was bound with chains.  
"Okay, here's the deal. You are allowed to live with us." And he heard a high-pitched excited squeal from under her facial bandages. "But only because you saved Aeris. You WILL have to earn your keep here. And as for your friend. . .", he said as he turned around to Laura, who was completely bandaged and still twitching. "Will do the same. Got it?" Rachel nodded rapidly. "Good. Now get some rest. Your chores start tomorrow." And he heard a "SQUEE!" from under the bandages. "I'll take that as a yes. Good night." He left the room and shut the door. "Oh dear God, what have I done?"  
  
HAH! Yeah that was bad. But next time WILL be better. Swear it. 


	3. Chapter 3: Chocobos Gone Wild!

Chapter 3: Chocobos gone wild! (No not like THAT.)  
Note: If I haven't scared you away yet, this belongs to Squaresoft. And maybe some stuff inspired by the great Lady Spork, and permission has been authorized from LadyTifa26 for usage. If you want to be a character, GIVE  
ME PERMISSION! Otherwise, no sale.  
  
"Okay, get this.", said Tifa, holding a list of house rules, as Rachel would be staying there, and Laura would be with Cloud, because Aeris used the other bed besides Rachel. "Here are the house rules. You shall take care of all the chores assigned to you, in exchange for room and board. Helping keep up the chocobos, cooking, some cleaning, and any extra repair work."  
"Yep, got it.", said Rachel, putting up a hand-drawn poster of Cloud above her bed. Aeris used some healing materia on her, and she was now helping Laura out of her bandages.  
"And one more thing...", said Tifa.  
"What?"  
"HANDS OFF CLOUD!", she yelled in Rachel's face.  
"Okay, okay. Jesus, get a mint!"  
"Grr. . ."  
"Yay! Cloudy!", squealed Rachel as she put up a few more hand-drawn posters.  
"What did I just say?", reprimanded Tifa.  
"You never said anything about posters."  
"Fine, but keep it to a limit."  
"All done.", said Aeris, finishing up Laura.  
"WOOHOO! I can feel again! But will I ever play the piano again?", she said as she got to her feet.  
"Of course you can feel now, and I'll just ignore that last statement.", said Aeris, wandering over to what Rachel is pinning up.  
"I've noticed your lack of luggage. Your gonna need work clothes, and sometimes errands will take you outside of town, so we're gonna need to get you weapons for the monsters. Did you even hear me?" Rachel was on her knees on her bed, bowing excessively up and down, worshipping a shirtless poster of Cloud.  
"CLOUDY! YOU ARE MY ONLY GOD!"  
"STAY FOCUSED!.", Tifa yelled.  
"Hey, not bad.", said Aeris as her eyes migrated to Cloud's bare chest.  
"Oh god, not you too. . .", Tifa moaned.  
"What, I thought you liked Cloud.", said Rachel as she parted from her shrine and left the room. "Holy shit!" She saw Tifa's room, and all the walls were plastered with Cloud pictures.  
"Oops. Left the door open. . ."  
"Hey Tifa, I'm here to get Laura."  
"SQUEE!"  
"AHHH!" Rachel jumped on Cloud, who was walking up the hallway, and she bowled him over.  
"GET OFF! HOLY SHIT!", he yelled as soon as he saw Tifa's room.  
"AAAAHHHH! BLIND!", yelled Laura as she shielded her eyes from the posters. But her eyes fell on Tifa's piano, and she loved playing them. "OOOH! Piano!", she said like a child to candy.  
"I'm surprised you even have the capacity to know what it is.", Tifa remarked. Laura began playing very simplistic child songs, and the others sat impatiently. "If you're quite finished, we have to go."  
"Okay, just hold on." And she took the Highwind theme sheet music and started making corrections.  
"What's she doing?", asked Tifa.  
"Watch this.", Rachel grinned. Laura stretched out her fingers and placed them on the keys. And her fingers began to virtually dance across the keys, playing the FFVII theme song, while Cloud, Tifa, and Aeris stood gawking. "Do, Re, Mi, Ti, La...", began humming Rachel as the song climbed to a dramatic peak, and she then ended.  
"Ooh, howzabout this one?", said Laura. And she began playing "One Winged Angel", on the keyboard, while Cloud and the other two just gaped, and Rachel sat there humming along. "YAY!", she said after she concluded. "Uh, guys?" They were all staring at her, as they didn't expect her to know anything at all.  
"What's taking so-AAH!" Vincent stepped in the room, and Laura immediately lunged toward him.  
"SQUEEE!"  
  
"HEY! WHY AM I STRAPPED DOWN?!?", Laura yelled from a chocobo.  
"Because, if you can't handle yourself in front of Vincent, you aren't getting up.", said Tifa.  
"Then tell me one thing. . .", said Laura as the rest hopped on their chocobos to go to Cosmo Canyon for their supplies.  
"What?"  
"Why do you act as though you're in a constant state of PMS?"  
"QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD!", she yelled. They left the chocobo stables, and headed south to the sun-scorched desert.  
"Urp! Getting. . .sick. . .", said Laura, her head bouncing up and down from the chocobo's movements.  
"I know! Let's sing a song!", exclaimed Rachel.  
"Dear Jesus. . .", muttered Vincent.  
"Let's sing 'One Winged Angel'!", shouted Laura.  
"WOOHOO!" And they then began belting out the lyrics, while the others grew rabid of insanity.  
"Burning inside  
with violent anger  
Burning inside  
With violent anger,  
  
Sephiroth  
Sephiroth  
  
Burning inside  
With violent anger  
Burning inside  
With violent anger  
Fate-monstrous  
And empty  
Fate-monstrous  
And empty . . ."  
"Can't. . .take much. . .more. . .", said Cloud with his eye twitching.  
"RRR. . .", went Tifa. "Must. . .fight urge to. . .kill. . ." Vincent's eyes grew a deeper blood red. "Come, come, O come, do not let me die. . ." "THAT'S IT, I CAN'T TAKE IT!", yelled Vincent. And he took his gun and shot at their chocobos' feet, throwing off Rachel, but Laura was still strapped on. "AHHH! What's going on!?", screamed Laura. "Wark! Wark!" Her chocobo ran around madly, and fell into the ocean off a cliff. They all ran over to the cliff, (except Rachel who just staggered over) and looked down as she fell into the rocks. "Ouch. . .", they said after seeing her make her descent. "Can she swim?", asked Tifa to Rachel. "Not with a chocobo strapped onto her. . ." "Oh boy..."  
  
Welly well well then, that was stupid AND short. Hey a record! Please leave a review, flamer, picture of Cloud. . .heh, heh. . .oh right, on your way out. PLEEZE! Oh, and at www.squaresound.com you can hear all the music Laura played, and the full lyrics! YAY! Update coming soon! 


	4. Chapter 4: Weapons Shopping

Chapter 4: Weapons shopping Note: Squaresoft owns this. Or maybe I do. What do you think? But Laura is owned by LadyTifa26, thus her permission is granted! SO NO PROBLEMS HERE!  
  
"Vincent, I think you go get her.", said Cloud. "Me?! Why me?" "She likes you." "That's precisely why I'm NOT getting her." "But neither of us have rope, Tifa's slightly acrophobic, and I can't swim well." "What a wimp. . .", mumbled Vincent. He took of his boots, cloak, and shirt, and jumped over. And he also gave a 10-point landing while doing so. He wrangled the river chocobo out of its frenzy and untied Laura, and he rode it back up to the beach, then up to the cliff where the others sat. Laura was waterlogged and blue, gasping madly for air, muttering curses under her breath for Dwight, the river chocobo she was riding.  
"Vinnie. . .I knew you'd save me...Stupid river chocobo. . . It HAD to take a swim while I was on its back, LYING DOWN!!!"  
"Are you okay?", asked Tifa.  
"Yeah, I'm GREAT! I JUST HAPPENED TO BE STRAPPED TO AN IDIOT CHOCOBO AND FALL OFF A CLIFF, AND YOU ASK IF I'M OKAY!!!?", she yelled.  
"Jesus, calm down! You should at least be happy I'm not on your case."  
"Hey, while you're in such a great mood, could you do something for me?"  
"What?"  
"Could you remove the rock stabbing my spleen, then stem the blood flow? I'm feeling woozy. . . Ugh..."  
"Uh oh. She's unconscious. . ."  
"Yeah, you can take care of it.", said Vincent, and he promptly dropped her.  
  
Laura was cured, although still unconscious and muttering "Vinnie. . ." as she became delusional, and strapped her back on. "Ooh, pretty colors. . ."  
"Do you think she'll be fine?", asked Rachel, poking her with a stick.  
"If we're lucky, no.", said Vincent.  
  
Cosmo Canyon was within sight, across the sun-scorched desert, and they rode to the front entrance, and they saw that weird guy who always stays out there.  
"Do they ever let him go to the bathroom?", asked Rachel.  
"Hey Cloud! I see you brought your, ahem, 'friends'.", greeted Red XIII.  
"Hey, Red. We're here to give them work equipment. They'll be working for us in return for their stay."  
"What kind of equipment?"  
"Stuff like weapons for the monsters."  
"Are you sure you trust them with sharp objects?", he asked, watching Rachel still poking Laura with a stick.  
"Of course I don't."  
"Then why give them weapons?"  
"Maybe we'll be lucky enough for them do dispose of themselves. . ."  
"God willing. . . Come on, we'll go to the general store first."  
  
"Hi there! What'll you be needing?", asked the storekeeper.  
"Oh, Tifa, this might take a while, so you go and take them to get materia."  
"Got it." And she led them to the materia store next door.  
"Ooooh! Shiny!", said Laura, breaking out of her delusion at the sight of all the materia. "Hey, why's the guy asleep?"  
"I dunno.", said Rachel. "Hey, if he's asleep, why do we even have to pay him?"  
"STOP THAT!", yelled Tifa. Rachel was poking him with the stick, and Laura was shoveling all the materia she could find into a bag.  
"Whatever you say, Madam PMS. . .", said Rachel.  
"Look, I've got the materia, I'll just leave the money on the counter.", said Tifa the sleeping guy. "I SAID QUIT IT!", yelled Tifa to Laura, who was drawing a moustache on the man.  
  
"Cloud we're finished.", said Tifa as she dragged the unconscious bodies of Laura and Rachel out of the store.  
"What happened? I felt the ground shake."  
"Just taking care of some business. . .", said Tifa while hiding her piko mallet.  
"Well, I've gotten everything we need here. Let's go get their weapons."  
"WWHHEEEEE!", they squealed when they received their weapons. Rachel received a katana, and Laura received a staff. They were dueling back and forth, and the others just watched.  
"Why does it feel as if I've given scissors to hyperactive children?", asked Cloud.  
"More like rabid monkeys and knives.", said Tifa, watching Laura pretend to get stabbed and die melodramatically. "Okay, this is how you insert your materia.", said Vincent. "You put them in the slots shown." And he put a green materia into Rachel's Titan bangle.  
"YAY! It's like jewelry, but with DESTRUCTIVE POWER! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!", she foamed. "Now, I can take over the world! I shall become Sephiroth's protégé!"  
"As if, I'd give you a destructive materia.", said Tifa. "That one you have on is a Time materia."  
"Darn."  
"Ooh! What do I have?", asked Laura.  
"That's a heal materia. I noticed that so far in 2 days, every 15 min. you're getting some form of injury. Here are the other materias, at least one of each, your items, and. . .", she said as she reached for something in a bag. "Your PHSs"  
"COOLNESS!", shrieked Rachel. "Hello, I'd like to order a pizza. . ."  
"Who the hell is this?!", said Cid.  
"Cid? You work at Domino's?"  
"STOPPIT!", yelled Tifa, and she quickly grabbed the PHS and turned it off. "Now as for your summon materia. You have to be careful with this stuff."  
"Oops.", said Laura as hers began to glow.  
"OOPS!? WHAT'S OOPS!?", she yelled. And somewhere in the pasture around there, a mog on a chocobo was running towards Cosmo Canyon.  
"Hmm, nothing happened. What a rip.", said Laura. BOOM! A chocobo charged in with a mog, ran everyone over, picked the mog back up and ran. "Ouch. . .", she said with a chocobo print on her face.  
  
"HAHA! TAKE THIS!", shouted Rachel to Laura as she was practicing her Fire materia, and Laura was practicing her Ice. They were leaving Cosmo Canyon, and returning to Nibelheim.  
"NOT ON CHOCOBOS", yelled Cloud. Rachel hit Laura's chocobo, and set it on fire, and the chocobo ran off the cliff again.  
"WHY?!?!?", shouted Vincent up into the sky. "WHY MUST I REPENT FOR MY SINS THIS WAY?! EBOLA VIRUS WOULD BE MUCH KINDER!"  
  
piko mallet-mallet in anime that they just seem to whip out outta nowhere.  
  
Hideeho there. I know this probably gets worse every time I update it, but you should notice I update this pretty frequently. So, yeah, that's about all I have to say. 


	5. Chapter 5 part 1: A Day With Cloud

Chapter 5 Part1: A Day With Cloud  
Note: Okay, first of all I'm sorry to say that Laura only makes a brief appearance in here, but part 2 is her episode! YAY! And don't get scared away by what you think this chapter is about. Because it IS supposed to be  
funny.  
I haven't gone back to sappy.  
And it's supposed to be cute!  
The story!  
Oh, yeah, and this belongs to Squaresoft.  
Not to mention LadyTifa26's permission has been issued. YAY!  
And Rachel's permission is mine, AND the rest are Squaresoft. Got it?  
  
"Hey you!", said Tifa, waking up Rachel. "Time to get started." Aeris was already getting out of the bed next to her, and Rachel sluggishly opened her eyes and saw Tifa looking down at her. She merely ignored her presence, and stuffed her head back under the pillow. "I SAID GET UP!", snarled Tifa, and she pulled back the covers.  
"ALRIGHT! JESUS! YOU'RE PERSISTENT!", yelled Rachel, clutching her chocobo plushy 'Mr.Warkster', and flinging off the pillow.  
"Good. And what are you doing with Mr. Warkster?!", asked Tifa, taking back her plushy.  
"Tifa, do you think you should be so hard on her? I mean, she's only 13.", said Aeris when she got downstairs.  
"She's been annoying me ever since she got here.", said Tifa as she poured some coffee into her mug.  
"But still, give her a chance. She could be useful, or maybe even nice.", said Aeris, sitting down to breakfast at the table.  
"You're TOO nice."  
"You're being TOO harsh."  
"Okay, okay, I'll ease up."  
"Grumble, grumble. . ."went Rachel as she groggily climbed down the stairs. She just looked at who would be joining her at the table and said, "Is it just me, or does everyone in this house have a thing for Cloud? Oh, and Tifa, I used your toothbrush because I don't have one."  
"GRRRR. . . .!", began Tifa.  
"Deep healing breaths, deep healing breaths. . .", said Aeris.  
"Sigh. Okay, today's itinerary is that we need to help Cid finish the repairs on the Highwind. Any questions?", asked Tifa.  
"Yeah, is there any maple syrup?", asked Rachel as she piled pancakes onto her plate.  
"Sigh. . ."  
"Tifa! I'm here with Laura!", said Cloud as he opened the door.  
"HEY CLOUD!", they all shouted in unison, all vying for his affections, and they all glared at each other.  
"Er. . .hi.", he said a little nervously. "Today, I'm supposed to teach Rachel how to use that katana, and Aeris is supposed to teach Laura how to use her staff, right?"  
"Uh, we're supposed to help Cid.", said Tifa.  
"But what about all the work here and the weapons lessons?"  
"Maybe someone should stay here and do that.", said Aeris. "How about Laura, Tifa, and I go to see Cid and I'll give Laura's lesson there and you and Rachel can do all the stuff here and you'll meet us when you're done." Tifa grabbed her arm, and whispered, "Do you think that's such a great idea? I mean HER with Cloud?"  
"Don't be so paranoid. He has no interest in her, right?"  
"Yeah, well. . . Okay, Cloud. We're going along with Aeris' plan."  
"Cool. It's been a while since I used this thing for a demonstration. . .", said Cloud, looking at his Buster sword fondly. The door opened, and Vincent entered.  
"I got a call from Cid. He wants us to leave now."  
"VINNIE!"  
"AAUUGGH!"  
  
"See ya' later!", said Aeris as they departed, Laura constrained again on a chocobo. Rachel and Cloud goodbye, with those little sweat marks.  
"Okay, let's get to work. We'll start the laundry, then the stables, then we'll move on to your weapon lessons. Uh, what are you looking at?" She was grinning at him widely, almost insanely.  
"CLOUDY! WE'RE HERE, ALONE AND TOGETHER! WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?!?! SQUEE!"  
"HEY HEY! HOLD ON THERE!", yelled Cloud before she lunged.  
"What?"  
"I want you to get this straight. Repeat after me: "I will not jump on Cloud."  
"You will not jump on Cloud."  
"No. I will not jump on Cloud."  
"No. YOU will not jump on Cloud."  
"Okay how about this. YOU will not jump on Cloud."  
"YOU will not jump on Cloud. Why do you keep telling me to say you won't jump on yourself, Cloudy?"  
"Sigh. . .hopeless. Just don't jump on me, okay?"  
"BUT WE LOVE EACH OTHER CLOUDY!", she exclaimed.  
"HOLD ON HERE!", he yelled before she jumped again. "If we", he shuddered, "DID love each other, you would respect my wishes, right?" She nodded. "Good."  
"Squee!", she yelled and tackled him.  
"What did I just say?", he asked.  
"That you would respect my wishes and let me jump on you."  
"AARRRGH! IS THERE NO GETTING THROUGH TO THIS CHILD!? I ASK YOU GOD, IS THERE?!" He managed to get her off of him, and he stood up.  
"Okay. Look here. Let's play a game. It's called 'Do not jump Cloud', okay? The rules are that whoever stays off Cloud the longest wins. Got it?" Once again, she nodded. "Good. Let's get started with the laundry."  
  
They retreated to his basement, and they went to the washer and sorted the clothes, some to Rachel's disgust, such as his socks and underwear, but she would not release his trademark shirt.  
"Let it go!", shouted Cloud.  
"Mine!"  
"Let it go!"  
"Why should I?"  
"Lest you incur the wrath of Tifa."  
"EEEK! IT'S YOURS!", she screamed.  
"Thought so."  
"Hey Cloud. What's this?" She reached into the pile and pulled out one of Tifa's thongs. "I though this was YOUR laundry."  
"Uh, heh, heh, heh. . ."  
"Well?"  
"Gimme that!", he said as he snatched it from her hand. "Okay, how about this. I'LL finish the laundry. Let's go to the stables."  
  
"Our job here is to keep this place clean.", said Cloud. "Which means. . ." He pulled out a shovel. "we do the nasty work."  
"Eeew!", she said.  
"Quit complainin' and start shovelin'.", he said as he threw her the shovel. Half an hour passes. Cloud is all done will his stable stalls. "How's it going?"  
"This guy is like a faucet!", said Rachel. "You'd think there'd be a switch or lever but NOOO! He won't stop!"  
"You haven't even started have you?"  
"It smells. It weighs more than 10,000 suns. How can I start?", she said.  
"Sigh. Fine then, I'LL do this, too. Just get them their greens, it's time to feed them." And she went to fetch them their food, as he hastily shoveled away.  
"Got them!", she announced.  
"Good. You feed them like this.", he said as he was hand-feeding Knight.  
"Okay, got it.", she said. "Here ya' go.", she said to Mike, a mountain chocobo. But he refused to eat it. "I said, here ya' go!", exclaimed Rachel. He still refused.  
"Uh, Rachel. . .", he started.  
"HERE YA' GO, GODAMMIT!", she screamed at it as she shoved it into his mouth.  
"WARK! WARK!", screeched Mike as he went berserk.  
"AAAHHHH!", she screamed. Mike went insane and began pounding in Rachel's head with his beak.  
"He doesn't like Reagan greens. . .", he said with another sweat mark over the unconscious Rachel.  
  
"Rachel?"  
"How now, brown cow?", asked Rachel as she woke up, feeling the bandages on her forehead.  
"Are you okay?" She saw Cloud standing above her, with that same exasperated look he has when he gets a little nervous.  
"Er, yeah."  
"Great. Because. . ." He turned around and picked up something. "It's time for your weapons lesson.", he said as he flung her her sheathed katana.  
"WOOHOO!"  
  
"Now. . .", he began in his backyard, looking at her stance. "Move your right leg out a little, your weight must be even. Good, good. . ." She was standing there, a little nervous, because she had only one sword lesson in her life, and she was suited more to hand-to-hand combat. "I knew I should've picked fighting gloves. . .", she muttered. "What?", he asked. "Oh, nothing. I just know more about hand fighting. . ." "Then why didn't you pick that?" "Because when I thought of Tifa as my instructor and her getting angry well, she scares me when she's angry." "Ah, you know she's a good person. You just rub her the wrong way." "Well, it's not just the thought of Tifa beating my brains out."  
"What else?"  
"Do you honestly expect me to waltz up to a Nibel dragon and punch it in the face when I can stab it with something?", she asked with a hint of sarcasm..  
"It worked for Tifa."  
"Well, she's Tifa. You know, she practiced under Zangan. She's SUPPOSED to be good. . ."  
"Yeah, well. . . Come on, we have to continue. Now move your arms out a little like this. . .", he said, stepping behind her and taking his arms and correcting Rachel's stance. She blushed slightly, but she just tried to keep focusing. He was surprised she didn't squeal and tackle him as usual.  
"Okay, now here are some movements.", he said as he took out his Buster sword and moved in front of here. "Up, down, up, down. . .good, just copy my movements. Now, we shall practice it until we get you up to speed." They practiced for quite a while, practicing basic moves and even some tricks, and she even learned his famous sword spin, of course, not without SOME error. "Good! Now, let's try and see how you battle against me."  
"WHAT!? ALREADY?!", she yelled.  
"Don't worry. I won't go all out on you. Now, let's begin!" They circled, keeping their eye contact, and Cloud dashed in with a stab, but Rachel moved out of the way in time for him to miss. "Keep up with the pace! You should've easily dodged that!" She groaned a little, and she stepped in and twirled the sword a little, and she cut his shirt but not his skin, and left a cursive 'R' there. "What the?", he asked.  
"I watched 'Zorro' as a kid and tried that.", she shrugged.  
"Okay, BUT...!', he said as she he moved in and ducked as she swung her blade, sweeping his feet and tripping her. He then moved his sword up to her throat as she tried to get back to her feet. "Never do fancy moves if you don't know the basics."  
"God, I thought I'd last a little longer than that.", she said as he helped her to her feet.  
"Here I'll give you a different opponent."  
  
"Holy WHAT?!", she screamed as they went out and found a Nibel dragon for her to fight.  
"Come on! You can fight it!", he shouted his encouragement. She looked back up at it, and whimpered.  
"Mommy. . ." It snarled back at her, and it reminded her of Tifa when she gets mad. "Eeeep!", she cried. It hit her with its tail, and she was flung back, but she tried to get back on her feet.  
"Come on! What was that?! Focus!", he called out.  
"Gulp. Here I go. . .", she said as she charged back in. "YAAH!", she cried, fearing more for her life than focusing on the fight, and she managed to cut part of its stomach.  
"See?! You're doing better!", he cried. Feeling a little better about this, she looked back into its eyes, but it swung back with its tail. "Grrrr!", she yelled.  
"That's it! You've hit your limit!" She automatically healed, became faster and yelled "Lightning Strike!", and she moved in forward in a blur, swung her sword in sheer flashes of light, then landed behind it and stabbed it, much like Cloud's Climhazzard move. It roared and then disappeared.  
"HAH! BOOYAH!", she said while doing a dance.  
"Hey, not bad.", said Cloud. "All you have to practice now is focusing. And look, you received 300 gil!"  
"Woohoo!", she said, finishing her little dance. "But why do you get gil after they die? I mean what, do they carry change purses?"  
"Heh, it's a mystery to me. It's getting dark. Let's go."  
"Dark? Doesn't it only get dark if you go to an inn or something?"  
"You always ask the weirdest questions, you know that?"  
"Sorry if being curious is a crime."  
"Yeah, well as long as we're asking questions, why are you so weird? I mean, lunging at me and everything."  
"That's just the way I am. But there's more to that, really. Maybe it's even just a façade."  
"A façade?"  
"Yeah, if you knew me better, you wouldn't just see some Cloud obsessed fan girl. That's only part of who I am."  
"I guess I didn't realize that. Sorry.", he said as he put his hand behind his head.  
"Look, I'll try and be less annoying. OK?"  
"Sounds good, but you don't need to change yourself. When you called Tifa 'Madam PMS', I almost laughed."  
"Yeah, I thought she was going to kill me with just the look she gave.", laughed Rachel a little. "But come on, this isn't my style. Do something funny.", she said.  
"No way, not me. Come on, we have to go and see Cid and the rest."  
"Fine then. But remember, I AM still a Cloud obsessed fan girl. Starting tomorrow, I go back to being annoying."  
"Then try and NOT get on Tifa's nerves. She doesn't like it when you hang off of me. And THAT results in no. . ."  
"Results in no what?", asked Rachel, remembering finding Tifa's thong in his laundry.  
"Ahem, nothing. . ."  
  
HELLO THERE! One of you asked for me to tone down the annoyance factor, so for the ending, I thought you might want to see what that results in. And part 2 will be up soon, and its LAURA'S episode! With VINNIE! YAY! And I'm planning a weird ending so. . .heh heh. But I promise the ending will be at least funny in the mildest degree, so PLEEZE don't abandon me, at least while I'm sulking over not being on a lot of favorites lists. . .sob. 


	6. Chapter 5 p2: A Day With Vincent

Chapter 5 Part 2: A Day With Vincent

Note: Okay! Here's the Laura and Vincent episode! Of course, if you're a Vincent fan girl, I'd actually just prefer you to tell me that, maybe I'd do you a favor and put in something you'd like to see happen. But then again, who even reads this? This belongs to Squaresoft. Oh yeah, and if you'll notice, this chapter starts up at the same time as the last one did, but follows Laura, aka LadyTifa26. That's not her real name, I actually have no clue to what it is, but she has exams either this week or next week, so, this should make her happy! Oh yeah, and this is where the cuteness in the story truly begins, and make note that I SWEAR nothing SUGARY happens. I mean, disgustingly romantic like my other fanfics. Just cute stuff. It's still funny. Don't worry. And yes, once again, LadyTifa26's permission has been doled out for authorization of this chapter. HUZZAH!

* * *

"Yo Laura! Wake up!"

"Hmm? Vinnie?"

"No, it's Cloud. Come on, today, you have weapons lessons."

"Will Vinnie be there?"!", she asked excitedly.

"Probably. Now get up.", he said as he said as he put her clothes at the foot of the bed.

"YAY! VINNIE!", she squealed as she huggled her Vincent plushie, and it made a squeaky noise. She quickly changed and ran down the stairs, where Cloud was standing in the doorway, listening to some yelling coming from next door.

"Uh, oh. Let's bail your friend out before Tifa completely loses it."

"Hmm, for a guy with weird hair, he's kinda nice.", thought Laura as they headed next door for breakfast.

"Tifa! I'm here with Laura!", said Cloud as he opened the door.

"HEY CLOUD!", they all shouted at him.

"Er. . .hi.", he said nervously. Laura sat down next to Rachel while the other three talk, and piled on food.

"What was all the yelling about?", asked Laura.

"I took Mr.Warkster."

"You like chocobos too much."

"You like Vincent too much.", said Rachel with a mouthful of pancake.

"He's MY Vinnie! You take your stupid Cloud!"

"STUPID!? HEY!", yelled back Rachel, jamming some pancake on a fork into Laura's mouth. Laura did the same and they were both tearing up as they could barely take anymore, until Vincent came through the door.

"I got a call from Cid. He wants us to leave now."

"VINNIE!", she squealed with delight as she leapt from her chair and pounced.

"AAUUGGH!"

"See ya' later!", said Aeris as they departed, Laura constrained again on a chocobo. The plan was that they would meet at the end of the day, when everything was finished.

"What did I tell you about controlling yourself?", said Tifa. "For God sakes, you said it yourself, you're 18!" Vincent had a slight smile of satisfaction on his face as Tifa was lecturing Laura.

"OKAY! OKAY! Jesus, don't get your thong in a knot. . .", said Laura.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!", yelled Tifa.

"Cool it Tifa.", said Aeris. "What did we discuss?"

"You never said anything about this one."

"Look, she's taking weapons lessons from me. I'll be the one to keep her little 'habits' under control. Just don't bust an artery yelling at them for having a crush."

"Okay, but if she isn't under control by the end of the day, she's under my jurisdiction.", said Tifa with a slight piercing gaze directed at Laura, who overheard everything and had a sweat mark as well as a very nervous look on her face.

"First, we'll untie you. . .", said Aeris, struggling against the knots that Tifa herself tied personally. "Better?"

"GASP! AIR!", inhaled Laura, returning to her normal color. "Thanks. You know, I always pictured Tifa as a nicer person."

"Oh, she can be nice when she wants to be. . .", said Aeris. "But if you make her angry, which normally isn't very often, you better head for the hills."

"Hmm. . .", Laura looked up ahead at Tifa, who had a more troubled than angry look on her face. "What's up with her now?"

"She didn't think it was a good idea to leave Rachel with Cloud back there. See, she feels more than divine retribution towards people."

"Hey, I know, let's try and cheer her up!", said Laura with a big smile. "She IS after all, my favorite character!"

"I thought Vincent was."

"Nah. Tifa's cooler in the story than him. Come on!"

"Uhhh, That might not be a good idea. . .", said Aeris, her voice shaking a little from nervousness.

"Don't worry about it!", said Laura as she moved her chocobo next to Tifa's.

"Hmmm?", said Tifa as she turned her head to see Laura, stretching her face to extreme proportions, and making weird noises. She gave her a weird look at first, but she smiled a little when she realized what Laura was trying to do.

"Thanks."

"NO PROB!", shouted Laura enthusiastically. "See, you're not the only nice person here.", said Laura to Aeris. Vincent just looked over a little, as if he saw more than just a super-annoying person, but when she returned his gaze, he quickly turned his head.

"HEY! MOVE YOUR &! ASSES OVER HERE!", yelled Cid as they got within view.

"Hey Cid!", waved Laura.

"You sound familiar. Are you the weirdo who called me yesterday about pizza?"

"Uh, nooo. . .that was Rachel."

"Remind me to uh, 'thank' her when she gets here. Now, here's what I want you to do. Aeris and Tifa, you help me with the oil on this thing. Laura and Vincent, you work on replacing the spark plugs. And mind you it IS hard, as the plugs are about 4 ft. tall."

"WHAT?! Me with her?!", cried Vincent.

"Aw, get over it ya' pussy! Now get to work!", he shouted.

"Grrr. . .", said Vincent as he walked away with Laura. "Okay, you are not going to bug me in any way. Got it?"

"Oh, why would I bug you, Vinnie?", she said in an innocent voice.

"We are here to work on this engine, nothing more. Now hand me that wrench over there.", he said as he looked into a control panel on information on how to fix it.

"This one?", she said as she walked over a little, and the thing was particularly large, so she hoisted it on her shoulder, and walked back over.

"No, that one over there.", he said, lifting his head back up and turning around. She turned on her heel and the wrench was over her shoulder, so it hit him with enough force to knock him over.

"GAHH!", he yelled. "Watch it!"

"Sorry. . .", she apologized.

"Grumble. . ."

"Sigh.", she said as she handed him the other wrench.

"Okay, we have to get on top of the engine, and remove 3 of the 16 spark plugs. It says here that those are the only ones that need to be replaced."

"Right. . .", she said. They climbed to the top with all their tools, and they removed all the bolts that held the spark plug, but the plug was so big they had trouble getting it out.

"I'll go and ask Cid if we're doing this right. Just keep trying while I get him."

"Gotcha!", she said. "Gotta prove I can do this to Vinnie. . .", she thought to herself as he climbed down from the ship. "I . . .CAN DO. . .THIS!", she said as she strained herself to try and pick it up. She looked at the wrench and got an idea. "Maybe I can use that as a lever and pry this thing out. . .Vinnie will be so happy!" "Laura." she imagined Vincent saying to her. "Not only is thine beauty incomparable but even greater than the diamond stars themselves, but you are very intelligent as well. . . Come! I shall make you my bride!" "Hee. . .", she thought. "Okay! Time to get you out you stupid spark plug!", she said as she inserted the wrench and pushed down. "YES!" It popped right out, but it began to roll off the side. "NO! Come back!", she cried as she chased after it.

"AAAHHHH!", she heard a pain of agony scream. She looked at where the plug fell to the ground, and Vincent was under it.

"Okay, that was forgivable enough.", he said after someone healed him. "I still need your help. Come on, let's get the second one out. I made sure everyone was clear of the hull, so we're going to use your method of removing these things. Now you insert the wrench, and I'll pry it out."

"Okay!" She was happy she found a way one her own to remove these, even though it DID fall. "Just insert it like so and. . .WHOOPS!" She dropped the wrench into the engine, and it fell all the way through, to where Cid was changing the oil.

"Do, Re, Mi, Ti, La. . .", he hummed the Highwind song. "AAAH!" Panicking, he saw the wrench about to fall on his head vertically.

"Oops.", said Laura. He was fine, because the bolt fitting in the wrench was big enough that it went AROUND his neck, but the ground stopped it, so it only touched the tip of his nose.

"WHO THE HELL TRIED TO KILL ME! I'M GONNA KICK THEIR ASS, RIGHT NOW!"

"Oh, boy. . .", said Laura, knowing she was doomed.

It was dark, and Laura was sitting on top of the Highwind, kicking her feet back and forth. She was sulking, because even though now the Highwind's repairs are completed, she figured that everyone would just hate her, especially Vincent. Rachel and Cloud would be here soon, and when they did, Aeris would give her her lesson.

"Sigh. . .", she said as she laid back and looked into the Milky Way. "Is it a mistake being here?", she mumbled.

"I don't think so.", said a voice.

"Huh?" She looked behind her, and Vincent was standing there, looking down, and he sat beside her.

"What are you doing here? I thought you hated me.", she said.

"You DO get annoying, but I enjoy looking at the sky, too. It releases me of what is troubling me. Besides, it was nice how you settled Tifa down this morning."

"Thanks. I like looking at the sky, too. I would do stuff like this when I have exams back home. I think I like being here more than studying."

"Then why ask if it's a mistake?"

"Nobody wants me here. It just feels a little. . .lonely."

"What about Rachel?"

"Well, of course there's Rachel, but I mean everybody else. I don't believe you can talk to one person for the rest of your life."

"It's felt that way for so long. . .", he said. "But the person I've been talking to has been myself."

"Well then talk to me. I could use the company.", she said with a smile. "It'd be fun! We could even swap jokes!" He just looked at her very seriously. "Oh, I guess you're not very good at that, huh?" But he just looked back into the stars, with a little glimmer of something in his eyes. A tear.

"Are we truly alone, are is there something else we haven't seen yet?", he asked.

"Hey hey! Don't get all weepy on me now! Come on, the first step to getting better at talking to people and making friends is to TRY!", she said. "Now try it on me."

"What?"

"Yeah! You sound like you could use the practice with the way you talk! Now ask my name."

"I already know your name."

"Just ASK!"

"Sigh. . . what is your name?"

"Laura. What's yours?"

"Vincent."

"See! That's how you introduce yourself! If you do enough of that, you're not going to be alone like you say you are. As much as we tell ourselves we're alone, it's not true! There's always someone else!"

"But what about me?", he asked.

"I'm talking to you right now. Unless I don't count."

"No you count. . ."

"Then my point is proven. YOU Mr. Valentine, are not alone." He just smiled at the way she proved this.

"Interesting way of making a point."

"Works for me."

"Why aren't you being all clingy like normal?"

"You said you didn't want that, so I'm not gonna do that."

"I'll allow it. BUT just this ONCE."

"Thanks.", she said as she wrapped her arms around him, but not tightly like usual. This time, it was gentle, and her body was warming him as she did so. And he looked up into the stars as he normally did, but he did it this time with a smile.

"LAURA! THEY'RE HERE!", shouted Aeris from below.

"See ya'.", said Vincent. She stood up and brushed herself off, and climbed down the ship, taking her staff with her.

"YEESSS!", she thought. On the inside, she was doing a little victory dance.

"All right, Laura. We are also now going to start your weapons lesson.", said Aeris as Laura got to the ground.

"COOLNESS!", she shouted. Rachel and Cloud stood on the sidelines, watching as Aeris taught her how to hold it correctly and how to stand, basic moves, and some fancy ones.

"Good. Your moves are pretty good for a beginner, and even though your stance could use a little work, you should be fine in regular combat. Which is why I have HER."

"Who?"

"YUFFIE! IT'S TIME!"

"I'm fighting Yuffie?"

"Why not? And besides, she agreed to it."

"Are we ready?", asked Yuffie, brandishing her shuriken.

"Yeah! Go!", announced Aeris.

"YAH!" Yuffie flung her shuriken straight at her, and Laura held her staff horizontally, and as the shuriken hit and spun, all the blows it gave sent sparks until it recoiled back into Yuffie's hand.

"GOOD!", yelled Aeris. "KEEP IT UP!"

"YEAH! GO LAURA!", cheered Rachel.

"EYAH!" Yuffie sent her shuriken back at Laura, and it howled at her.

"YYEEEEK!", screamed Laura. She hit the shuriken back like if they were playing baseball, but instead of going back to Yuffie, it plowed into the side of the ship. "Ooopsss. . ."

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO TO MY SHIP!", screamed Cid, turning a blood red and raising his spear into the air.

"Oh schnikeys. . .", said Laura.

"AAHHH!", screamed Yuffie, as Cid began to chase her with his spear, and Cid came toward Laura as well, then it included Aeris, who then ran toward Rachel and Cloud. They ran across the landscape comically, and somewhere it began playing that weird British chase music they have in Monty Python. First Cid was chasing them with his spear, then they were chasing him with a spear, then they were being chased by Shinra soldiers, then they chased the Shinra soldiers on a Nibel dragon, then Rachel just ran in the middle and A. Nonymous III esq. ran there and they looked at each other, shrugged, and A. Nonymous III esq. began chasing Rachel. Vincent stood up on the Highwind, just looked at their predicament, smiled, and left.

* * *

Weird, wasn't it? And I bet you thought it was gonna get REALLY sappy, eh? Well, in someone's opinion probably, but I needed to display that Laura and Rachel were more than just annoying. THEY'RE ANNOYING WITH FEELINGS! And since I'm two days ahead with my posting schedule, if you want anything soon, GIVE ME REVIEWS! Or flamers, BUT IF YOU DO, well, I'm not gonna even say. Oh, and to enhance the comedy of the whole British chase scene, make em' little chibis! Or SD, what's the difference? Next post soon! (If you give me reviews, heh heh. . .)


	7. Chapter 6: Let the Spy Games Begin

Chapter 6: Let the Spy Games Begin  
  
Note: Yeah it's official. I'm running out of ideas. But never fear, I'll  
come up with something. Soon. I swear. This belongs to Squaresoft. And  
Laura belongs to LadyTifa26. Why? Well, they're one in the same, THAT'S  
WHY!!

* * *

"Hold still Vinnie. . .", whispered Laura looking into the sight of a tranquilizer gun. She could see Vincent through the window of the Shinra mansion, and she aimed directly for his neck.  
"Laura?"  
"WAUGH!" Laura screamed and let off the shot, and it hit a squirrel, knocking it clear out of a tree.  
"Rachel?!?"  
"Quiet! I'm spying. . ."  
"On who?" She pointed to Cloud's backyard, where Cloud and a girl sat. "It's just Cloud and Tifa. . ."  
"No, it's Tifa and my future husband!"  
"You ARE delusional."  
"Yeah, well I don't hunt down people with tranq guns. WHERE did you get that?"  
"I found it under Vinnie's bed."  
"Uh, now tell me why you were even in there in the first place."  
"The reason for any noble goal of a fan girl. To at least see the bedroom of her future husband!"  
"You ARE delusional"  
"Who's delusional?"  
"WAUGH! VINCENT?!", yelled Rachel as she was taken completely by surprise. "Jesus! Why do you do that? And why are you here?"  
  
"I was about to ask the same."  
"I'm spying and Laura is hunting you down with your own gun. Now what good excuse do YOU have for being out at midnight?" He merely glared at her statement, and sat down. "Now SHHH! I must see what happens next. . ." Cloud and Tifa moved closer and kissed. "NO! THAT'S MY FUTURE HUSBAND YOU'RE KISSING THERE, MISSY!" THWOT! Laura fired a tranq into her neck to shut her up.  
"Cloud, did you hear something?", asked Tifa. "It sounded like a badger on drugs."  
"Badgers? There are Nibel Wolves and Nibel Dragons, but no badgers.", he replied.  
"Okay. . ." And they started kissing again.  
"I knew I would be using this.", said Laura as she polished the scope of her gun.  
"Why do you have my gun?", asked Vincent.  
"Uh, er. . ." THOT! She hit him in the neck as well. "HAH! I've bagged me a Vincent!"  
"Cloud, the noise is coming from above your house.", said Tifa.  
"Oh, crap.", said Laura, trying to move both Rachel and Vincent.  
"HEY! Who's that on my roof?!", yelled Cloud.  
"Uhhh, nobody here but us squirrels and repairmen!", said Laura.  
"Laura? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!", yelled Tifa.  
"Eh, heh heh. . ."  
  
"Okay, talk.", said Tifa, who strapped Laura to an interrogation chair under a bright lamp in a dark room.  
"Well, it's a long story really. . ."  
"We have all night to hear your story."  
"Have I mentioned that you look lovely under bright piercing lights?"  
"Talk."  
"But. . .I am."  
"EXPLAIN NOW!"  
"Eeek. . . Well, you see, I wasn't spying. SHE was spying." Rachel shot a look of anger back at Laura, knowing that when this was over, she was doomed unless she bailed them out. "Who uh, WAS LOOKING FOR ALIENS!"  
"Wrong answer."  
"Can you tell me what the answer is then?"  
"We already know you were spying."  
"Then why are you interrogating me?"  
"Because we are here to hear your explanation."  
"You're not getting anything outta me, sister." Tifa just glared at her name and walked around her chair for a while.  
"Well then, if you won't talk, maybe you will.", she said, now circling Rachel's chair.  
"Can I go to the bathroom first?", asked Rachel.  
"Are you gonna tell me what's going on?"  
"No, probably not."  
"Then we are forced to bring in the heavy artillery."  
"HAHA! BRING IT ON!"  
"Rachel, I don't think it's wise to do that."  
"Come on, they don't have anything." Tifa wheels in two television screens and turns them on.  
"HAHAHAHA! Behold, your ultimate demise!" She turns on the TVs and the Teletubbies are on.  
"AAAAHHHNNNOOOOOOOOOO! IT'S HORRIBLE! AHHH! AHHH! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Losing. . .sanity. . .losing. . .free will. ." The lights flicker on to reveal Aeris, who is looking at Tifa with a look of annoyance, and yet at the same time was bewildered.  
"Tifa, why are you strapping them down here in the kitchen? And why are you showing them teletubbies? Even Sephiroth doesn't deserve that!"  
"They were spying on me and Cloud."  
"Wait, YOU and Cloud?" Aeris turned around and looked at him. "YOU and Tifa?"  
"Uh well, you know it's late and she is a little angry uh. . .pie anyone?", he said nervously. "I'm just gonna go now. . ."  
"Tifa, let them go. I'LL deal with them."  
"Sigh, okay but just because I trust you." Tifa walks up the stairs to her bedroom, put whispers something to Aeris on her way past. "But if they get out of hand, I've got that marathon on tape."  
"Let's get you thinking like regular human beings here.", said Aeris as she unplugged the TVs.  
"Huh? Oh my God! I can think again!", exclaimed Laura as she woke up. "Rachel, are you okay?"  
"Tele. . .tubbies. . .hee hee. . .", she said as if she were in her own little world.  
"Oh no, she been brainwashed!", screamed Laura. "Rachel! Snap out of it!"  
"Don't worry, I can cure her.", said Aeris. She walked up the stairs and then came back down with one of Rachel's shirtless Cloud pictures, and put it in front of Rachel's face.  
"CLOUDY! SQUEE!", cried Rachel, who then broke out of her bonds and tried to grab the poster.  
"HEY NOW! HOLD ON! I have something I want you two to do for me. . ."  
  
"WHAT?! SPY?!", cried Rachel and Laura in unison.  
"Yes."  
"But why?"  
"I need to see where Cloud's loyalty lies. With either me, or Tifa."  
"So I see you want to know what the answer is to the whole love triangle thing if you weren't first killed by Sephiroth.", said Rachel.  
"Exactly. But be very discreet, and when you aren't checking their movements, make sure you get information by just tricking them into answering your questions."  
"Wow, Aeris asking us to spy? I thought you were nice."  
"I can't be nice all the time. Now will you do it?"  
"What's in it for us?", asked Laura with a greedy smile.  
"What is it you want?"  
"Now THAT'S the right answer. Personally, I want Vincent, but if you can't do that, I'll take whatever it is that I think of when I find it. Now what do I want other than Vinnie. . ."  
"And what about you?", asked Aeris to Rachel.  
"What I want? ULTIMATE POWER!", she yelled.  
"SHH! Something I can give you."  
"So I guess Cloud is out of the question then, huh? Then I just want hmmm, no I can't take the Highwind. Umm, how about some other FF7 bishonen?"  
"Can't do that either."  
"Geez, you can't really offer much."  
"How much gil do you want?"  
"Okay, NOW I'm listening."  
"I can offer about 50,000 gil."  
"50,000! How much gil do you REALLY have?"  
"That's pretty much all I have. You can have the gil whether or not Cloud picks me or Tifa. All I really want to know is whether he loves me. That's all that matters."  
"Wow, that was kinda pretty.", said Laura. "But we'll take your offer."  
"Good. I'll arrange for someone to help you with your sneaking techniques. You're not going to last long if you keep getting caught like tonight. Oh and Rachel. . ."  
"What?"  
"Can I have this shirtless Cloud picture?"  
"Sigh. Fine. But that's just because we share the room."  
"YAY! SHIRTLESS CLOUD!", she squealed.  
"Well, THAT is one thing I never thought I'd hear Aeris say."  
"Uh, Rachel?"  
"What?"  
"What happened to Vincent?" THUD! They saw a dark figure in a cloak roll off the roof.  
"Well, I think he USED to be on the roof."  
"Ouch."

* * *

Yeah, you're probably wondering where I got this idea. I have no idea where I got it, so DO NOT ask me what I was thinking. And as always, I'll try and update soon. 


	8. Chapter 7: Mission Improbable

Chapter 7: Mission Improbable  
  
Note: This belongs to Squaresoft. I am also a sleep deprived fan girl. So don't ask. Oh yeah, and permission granted for the use of Laura comes from  
LadyTifa26.

* * *

"HOLY HELL! IT'S FEUDAL JAPAN!" Cherry blossoms surrounded the feudal looking Japanese village of Wutai, a secluded little place to the North of an island. Rachel was standing like a statue with her mouth gaping at the sight of this place. "Sniff, it's so. . . beautiful. . ."  
"Snap out of it. Now where is she?", said Aeris.  
"HEY AERIS!", yelled Yuffie in the distance with her arm waving.  
"Hey Yuffie! Look, I need you to do me a favor. . ."  
  
"You want me to teach them how to be ninjas?", asked Yuffie as if it were a joke. "What for?"  
"That's a secret."  
"I won't do it if I don't know.", said Yuffie, but a smile came to her face after she thought about it. "But I COULD pretend I DO know with a little persuasion. . ."  
"I am NOT giving you materia."  
"Why not?", asked Yuffie in a spoiled tone.  
"It's not right.", said Aeris.  
"Neither is spying. . .", mumbled Laura.  
"What was that?", asked Yuffie.  
"We're spies!", said Rachel happily.  
"Ugh, you ARE brainless. . .", said Aeris as she massaged her temples.  
"Spies? Tell me more. . .", said Yuffie with a grin.  
"I asked them to spy on Tifa and Cloud to find out who Cloud belongs with."  
"OOOOH! This'll be fun. . ."  
"I'm here pleading and the only thing you can say is that this'll be fun?", said Aeris.  
"What? And now that I DO know, I'll consider it. But what's in it for me?", said Yuffie.  
"Does EVERYONE need a bribe?"  
"That's about the size of it, yeah.", said Rachel, nodding her head. Aeris pulled out a bag, and when Yuffie opened it, her face lit up in a huge grin.  
"Yes, yes, perfect. . .", she said.  
"Okay, Tifa thinks that Rachel is out for a punishment, and Cloud is still hiding from me, so he's a bit caught up to know where Laura is."  
"Good. Because this'll take a while. . .", said Yuffie in an exasperated tone as she watched Laura and Rachel tripping around behind her, trying to act like ninjas.  
  
"Okay, now, is it downwind or upwind you stand in while sneaking?", asked Yuffie.  
"Uh, why does it matter? When can we learn ninja stuff?", asked Rachel.  
"This IS ninja stuff."  
"I thought talking really weirdly with your mouth being a stationary object when necessary and fighting evil hordes of ninja henchman were being part of a ninja.", said Laura.  
"Ugh. . . Look, this is a crash course, so I'll just teach you what sounds necessary."  
  
"Okay, I hope you're not afraid of heights.", said Yuffie as they climbed the Tower of the Five Gods.  
"OH MY GOD! I'M GONNA DIE! HELP! HELP!", screamed Rachel as she started climbing.  
"Uh, Rachel, you're only 5 in. off the ground.", said Yuffie.  
"It's much larger from up here. . ."  
"You're going up to 500 feet in the air!"  
"Oh sweet Jesus. . .", she said.  
"Make her move!", said Laura who was growing steadily impatient.  
"Okay, if you won't move. . .", said Yuffie as she took out her shuriken.  
"EEEYOOOOOWWWWWCH!", screamed Rachel as she began to rapidly climb up the side of the pagoda, still feeling the shuriken stab at her butt.  
"Always works.", said Yuffie. "Now move before it's necessary for me to do that." But Laura was already climbing in fear.  
  
"Okay, now crouch down out of their vision like so.", said Yuffie as she crouched down by the edge of the pagoda. Rachel passed out from her acrophobia, and Laura was just freaking out as she peered over the side she was supposed to crouch on. "Come on, move closer, unless you won't be able to see who you're spying on."  
"Eeeek. . ."  
"Go on, move. Here. WHHOOOPS!" Yuffie turned to help Laura, but she tripped over the unconscious Rachel and knocked Laura over the edge. "Ouch. . .", she said as she saw Laura hit the ground.  
  
"Sorry.", said Yuffie as she put the Phoenix down on Laura, who was regaining her consciousness. "But hey! You're all done! You only need to know how to be able to climb and watch without detection. And besides, Aeris is here to pick you up."  
"Owwww. . . Where's Rachel?"  
"Ooops."  
"HEY! WHERE IS EVERYBODY?! AND WHY AM I STILL UP HERE? HELLO?"  
"I left her up there. . ."  
"HHEEEEELLLPPP!"  
  
"What's this? 'The Way of the Ninja for Dummies'?", said Laura as she looked at the book Yuffie had handed them before Aeris picked them up.  
"OOOOH! This even tells you how to pass by unnoticed, and steal items without even going near your adversaries!", said Rachel.  
"Hmmm, I always wondered how she did that.", said Aeris.  
"HACHISAKI! HACHA!", yelled Rachel as she performed a chop to Laura at her neck, looking at the book while doing so. "Hey Laura! Did I do it right? Laura?"  
"Glaaaa. . .", drooled Laura, unconscious and lying on her chocobo.  
  
Back in Nibelheim, Cloud and Tifa were in the stables, cleaning it out and having some small talk, when Aeris, Rachel, and Laura rode back in on Dwight, Mike, and Shadow.  
"Hey! Where were you? And uh, how are you doing Aeris?", asked Cloud.  
"Laura was out helping Rachel. And I'm still not speaking to you Cloud."  
"HAH! You just spoke to me!" She shot him a cold and annoyed look, and he quickly backed off. "Eeep. I wonder why she's still angry.", he thought. "What happened to the nice Aeris? I liked her better. . ." Aeris just briskly walked away, and Tifa noticed the book Rachel was looking at.  
"Mind games, huh? It's that easy. . . Good. . .", whispered Rachel to herself.  
"What's that?", asked Tifa.  
"Wouldn't YOU like to know."  
"Yeah, I sorta would."  
"Hmmm, mind games. . .mind games. . .", though Rachel, thinking about how to trick Tifa into revealing anything. "You really want to know?"  
"Yeah."  
"When I'm done."  
"Why not now?"  
"Because I like it."  
"Please?"  
"No. When I'm done. You don't see me taking things you're not done with."  
"YES I HAVE!"  
"Like what?"  
"Mr.Warkster, MY TOOTHBRUSH. . ."  
"Is that all?"  
"NO WAY! I mean, I like Cloud and YOU are trying to take him! AND next of all, I don't see him sle- I mean, uh. . ."  
"Don't see him sleeping with. . .?"  
"Who said sleeping? I didn't say sleeping. . ."  
"But you meant to say that, didn't you?"  
"NO! Uh, you go and do dinner! NOW!"  
"Yeah, I'll go and do dinner, while you and go do Cloud, right?"  
"GO NOW!" Rachel ran out of the stables with a smug grin on her face, and Laura wondered how she did that.  
"Whoa, how'd you know she'd tell you that?", she asked.  
"It says here that when angry, the person becomes unusually aggressive, and may reveal certain things by accident, because in their frustration, they'll be trying to prove their point. So, she spilled when she was getting her point across, and realized that she wasn't supposed to be mentioning anything."  
"Wow. Gimme that book!", said Laura as she tried to grab it. "Now, when I go and try to catch Vincent, I notice that Cloud and Tifa normally sneak out and meet. When they leave to see each other, all we have to do is search through their houses, watch them, and bring back our report to Aeris. Got it? Rachel?" Rachel was being dragged off by Tifa, who had the angriest look on her face as she did so. One of those looks that would kill on its own.  
"GAH! HELP! WHAT DOES THE BOOK SAY ABOUT THIS?!", Rachel screamed back at her.  
"It says: Step 1- panic."  
"I'M ALREADY THERE!"  
  
"Step 2- Beg for mercy."  
"PLEASE LET ME GO! PLLLEEEEEZE! DON'T KILL ME! AAAAAHHH!"  
"Step 3- there is no step 3." She just looked up and blinked, then looked back down. "And here's step 4. Step 4- if all this fails, you are dead."  
"OH, WHAT GREAT ADVICE!", Rachel yelled before Tifa had completely dragged her into the house. "NO! NO! NOT THAT! I'LL STOP! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" CRASH! Rachel's blood curdling scream echoed, and Laura just stood there with a sweat drop. Tifa walked back out, with her arms folded and a smile on her face. Laura walked into the kitchen, and saw a pile of kitchenware on the floor, and it was moving. She dug through it, and she saw Rachel in a heap, unconscious and bruised.  
"How many times have I told you. . .", said Laura.  
  
It was midnight, and the only light that shone was the moon's. A pair of shadows sped across the ground, moving with great agility, until one tripped.  
"OW!"  
"SHUTUP!" Rachel tripped over, and Laura had to make sure everything worked.  
"Why are you the leader?", whispered Rachel.  
"Because I'm more competent!"  
"Yeah, but I didn't fall off the pagoda. Plus, I wrote this story!"  
"You passed out, and you didn't even write this part of the story! Now, I'M the leader!" They continued and then they climbed with SOME ease to the top of Cloud's house, and they saw him with Tifa once again.  
"Duh, Duh, Duh, DUH, DUH, Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh, nuh, nuhhhhhhhh, Duh, nuh, nuhhhhhhh, DUH, NUH!"  
"SHUTUP!"  
"What? I like the Mission Impossible song."  
"They're right there! Be quiet! Or it'll be highly improbable we get ANYTHING done!"  
"And what are you two doing again?"  
"WAUGH! Vincent! Stoppit!", said Rachel.  
"An explanation to why you're dressed up like ninja's?"  
"Uh, well you see. . . gotta go!" Laura threw a smoke bomb to cloud his vision, and when he looked again, they were running in the distance.  
"YOU THINK HE'S GONE!", gasped Rachel for air when they stopped.  
"Yeah. . . I. . .think so. . ."  
"No, you haven't."  
"YYYAAAHHHH!"  
"I see Yuffie didn't teach you very well."  
"How'd you know?"  
"I've traveled with her. I KNOW."  
"Then how do you do it?"  
"First of all, I DON'T TALK." Laura glared angrily at Rachel, who smiled back nervously. "Next of all, I'm good at it, so I don't trip across the ground." Laura looked back at Rachel, and she was slowly backing away. "And next, you don't stay in one place for a long time. Now, tell me what you are doing.", he said as he loomed over them.  
"Uh heh. . .", whimpered Laura. "Rachel! What does the book say?", asked Laura.  
"If you are caught and interrogated, your ninja minions should save you.", Rachel said. "I told you we needed minions!"  
"AN EXPLANATION PLEASE!", said Vincent impatiently.  
"Uh well you see. . . uh, we were framed!", said Laura.  
"By uh, the uh, aliens!", said Rachel.  
"Who uh, wanted us to probe Cloud!"  
"And Tifa is an alien!", screamed Rachel.  
"Uh, huh. Now, tell me the truth."  
"Ummmm, that IS the truth.", said Laura in a mock innocent tone.  
"Tell me NOW.", said Vincent as he pulled out his gun.  
"YEEEK! IT WAS AERIS! AERIS I TELL YOU! SHE PUT US UP TO SPYING!", shrieked Rachel.  
"Yeah, like I honestly believe Aeris told you to do this-AAAHHHH!" Vincent was suddenly pulled into the trees next to him. Aeris was there, and she signaled to them to run.  
"AHHH! RUN! NOW'S OUR CHANCE!" They shot off towards Tifa's house, as hers was the first one to be searched through. They snuck up to her bedroom, and began the search.  
"Hmmmm, thongs, socks, eeeww, bra. . .", said Rachel as she picked it up between her fingers. "Jesus, what size is that?!"  
"Just keep looking!", hissed back Laura.  
"What did you find?"  
"Slippers, Mr. Warkster, more shirtless Cloud photos, male stripper cop costume. . . Stuff you'd expect. Wait, what's this?" Laura pulled out a shoebox from under Tifa's bed. When she opened it, she saw more photos, but they were different. They had Cloud, but she was in there as well, having fun with him, and then there was even the one with her, Sephiroth, and Zack. But they saw a lot of photos where she and Cloud were just having fun, and even some of them were from her childhood.  
"AAWWWW! Cloudy was SOOO cute!", said Rachel in a babyish tone.  
"No, just look! She really cares for him. . ."  
"I just wish she had some compassion for me.", said Rachel as she rubbed a bruise. "Come on, let's take that to Aeris. All we need now is to move into Cloud's house." They moved silently, and snuck into his house.  
"Stop!", whispered Laura. Cloud and Tifa were in the doorway, stumbling out all while looking almost completely connected at the lips.  
"GGRRRRRRRRR!", went Rachel.  
"Down Rachel, down! Heel girl!", said Laura. "Come on! Before they come back!" They looked through his room, and searched the drawers and desk.  
"Hmmm, underwear, shirts, sword shine, economy size tub of hair gel. . . nothing out if the ordinary here."  
"Wait a sec. A journal!", said Rachel in triumph. "I shall now invade my beloved's thoughts! MUAHAHAHAHA!"  
"Come on, we still need to check what they're doing!", said Laura.  
"We already saw that! Let's look before we take it to Aeris." Rachel opened it to one of the later dated pages, to the last two weeks to where Aeris, Rachel, and Laura appeared.  
"Wait! Here's something! Oh my god. . .", said Laura.

* * *

Haha! Yeah, I'm gonna leave you hangin' there for a while. But I'll update soon! Please RR! 


	9. Chapter 8: For the Love of Cloud

Chapter 8: For the Love of Cloud  
  
Note: I bet these little notes I write aren't even being read. So why bother? BECAUSE IT DOES MATTER! This is owned by Squaresoft! Oh yeah, and due to my immense writer's block, I wrote down anything that came to mind. And don't worry, as usual, I'm still trying to make sure this doesn't come off as another romance, because God knows I've already written enough of that. But also keep in mind that this is a cute story. And keep in mind I have special episode coming, 'CAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY SOON! (In reality, it really is.) AND, of course, we can't forget about LadyTifa26, for granting  
permission for being able to use her as a character. YAY!

* * *

"I didn't know you took a picture with him!"  
"Dih!", said Rachel as she fell to the ground. "I thought you found something!"  
"But this IS a nice picture."  
"Wait, he put that picture in his journal? Awww, Cloudy is so sweet."  
"But the picture?"  
"Yeah, after katana practice, he decided to take a picture to remember that."  
"Aww, that is sweet. But did he REALLY talk to you?"  
"A little."  
"HAH! Me and Vinnie talked, QUITE a bit."  
"Shutup."  
"Don't get jealous. I'M just special."  
"Yeah, you're special all right."  
"Hey! That's not nice! Let's go find anything useful. . ." And so they continued flipping through Cloud's journal, still searching for information.  
"Here's something!", exclaimed Rachel. "Today it seems a burden has been lifted. As much as I will always love Aeris, I realize her return to the living shall be impossible. So my love has been renewed for Tifa, but it's not like I never loved her. She has always been there for me in hard times, so I shall be there for her. Today, I rode to the north, back to the sacred City of the Ancients, in search of my lost love. I found her sleeping in eternal rest at the bottom of that clear pool that serves as her resting place. And giving her a flower I had picked earlier from the old church I met her in, I let if fall in to the water, and so I shall never return. So I am trying to lay down her memory, because it is hard for me to find the capacity to love a woman, let alone two. But I am still happy that I know now for sure that Tifa truly loves me. And I love her. She is quite possibly the most beautiful creature this planet has ever nurtured into being, and I trust I am quite blessed to have her by my side. And so, I leave you with a quote: "What is life without the radiance of love?" By J.C.F Von Schiller." Rachel stopped reading aloud at the end of his entry, and merely looked up. "Wow. That was sorta pretty for a tough guy. BUT THAT'S WHY I LOVE HIM!"  
"But that really didn't tell us much. I mean, Aeris IS back, so he might have changed his mind."  
"Maybe. But that's just because I wrote the part of the story where he wrote this. Although I never put him down as writing a journal entry. . ."  
"Well then just skip to the part where we came in. You didn't write in that part."  
"Okay then. AHAH! Here it is!", said Rachel happily. "Well, today was probably the weirdest in the history of man. It seems that these two strange girls come out of almost nowhere, said they wrote this universe as part of a story, then save us by destroying the new Weapon. But if this IS true, that means the super clingy one, Rachel, was the one responsible for resurrecting Aeris. So they might prove themselves yet. But I'm pretty sure Vincent didn't like Aeris' idea of letting them stay after saving her life. But we'll manage somehow. Tifa is a bit angry that Rachel won't let go of me, and Aeris giggles every time Laura, the other one, springs and tackles Vincent. And even though I had previously written that I would be with Tifa, I can't help but have feelings again for Aeris. She has quite possibly the most beautiful smile I have ever seen, and I'm always blown away when I see her in the early morning rays and I marvel at her sparkling emerald eyes. She always has a smile on her face. And I love that about her, that she always looks on the bright side. But Tifa, I love her as well. It's become very hard to choose since her return, and with the arrival of these two "hindrances", it feels that it will become even worse. But it also feels that maybe, time will tell me who. So I'll tell you tomorrow."  
"Why doesn't he ever get to the point?", asks Laura. "Keep trying to find it. Go to a later entry than tomorrow. Go to when I left to go with Tifa and Aeris to fix the Highwind." "Gotcha cap'n!", saluted Rachel. "Okay here it is.", she started. "Well journal, today was sorta eventful, because I got to teach Rachel how to use her katana. It felt pretty good to be teaching something, and maybe I'll get a teaching job. But I never realized that Rachel had feelings beyond that of just a crazy fan girl on a sugar high. So, I guess I need to get past SOME first appearances, because she kinda nice when you talk to her. I guess I can see why Laura is her friend, even though they have a fairly large age gap. Too bad she can't talk to Tifa without having her blow an artery. Lately, she seems a little stressed. I guess Rachel hanging off of me is making her edgy. But I wish I could assure her that nothing could happen, because of how young Rachel is. And even then, it would be unlikely for anything to happen. You know, the stars themselves said that Aeris and I were perfect for each other. And something tells me that's true." "AHA! There it is!"  
"Quiet! I'm still looking!", said Rachel. "I really love Aeris. And in an earlier entry, it says 'You were what made me feel alive again. But if you were right and was wrong, how come I'm here and you are gone? I'm still here. But you're not. And it feels empty inside. I promise I'll find you again. You and Sephiroth.' And now you're back. I don't know what to say Aeris. I love Tifa. But I'm meant to be with Aeris. I am still left undecided."  
"JESUS! Why doesn't he ever just say who he loves?!", yelled Laura in frustration.  
"Just think of it this way. You must choose between two people you love. Now, picture choosing between Vincent, and your boyfriend, Nat. Who would you choose?"  
"Vincent, hands down."  
"Over Nat?"  
"Sure."  
"WHY!?"  
"Well, Nat isn't here now, is he?", she grinned.  
"Hopeless. . ."  
"Hey, just 'cause you're the introvert doesn't mean you know everything."  
"And I know that just fine. But this is a choice between true love. Think about it. Now, who would you choose?"  
"Vinnie."  
"Sigh. Hopeless."  
"Hee. . .Vinnie. . . But come on, I have a feeling Cloud and Tifa are gonna be back soon. Let's just take this back to Aeris."  
"Are you sure she'll be happy? And won't Cloud be suspicious to what happened to his journal?"  
"Don't worry, we'll just return it before he notices its gone."  
"I hope you're right. . ."  
  
"Aeris? Aeris? We have some info! Aeris?" Laura and Rachel peered into Tifa's house, and it was left dark and empty, with no sign of anyone.  
"Yeah?" Aeris walked into the light, with a frying pan in her hand.  
"What's with the frying pan?" Aeris turned on the lights, and Vincent sat unconscious with a lump on his head in a chair. "Oh, I see. We have some information."  
"And? What does he think?"  
"That's what we would like to know.", said Rachel.  
"What does that mean?"  
"Well, he seems to feel a bit undecided. Here." Aeris skimmed through the book, smiling at some parts, and looking a little confused at others.  
"I see. He hasn't decided because he loves us both."  
"Exactly. He's not the most decisive person on the planet.", said Laura.  
"Well thank you. You risked a lot just to get this. But in the morning I'll need you to return these items. Is that okay?"  
"Sure."  
"Good. I'll pay you when you return these."  
"Aaaawwwww. Darn. I can't get to throw it up and roll in it like I wanted. . .", said Laura, as she walked out the door.  
"Sigh. Well, I'm tired. Being a ninja sucks. I didn't get to fight any evil ninja lords, fight any minions, talk like a drugged ventriloquist, and Vincent kept popping out. So Aeris, how are you doing? Aeris?" She sat there at the table, her hand holding her head, and a few tears came down. "Oh boy. . . Hmmm, comforting, comforting. . . How to be comforting. . .Oh, right!" She walked over to her and pulled up a chair, and began rubbing her back soothingly. "Hey, look. It'll be fine. He never definitely said who he loved, right? You've still got time. And even if he doesn't pick you, he's not the only man out there, right?" But she just began sobbing harder, and hugged Rachel, who hesitantly returned the hug, because ever since six months ago, the last time she had a hug from a girl, well that just proved fatal to her peace of mind to ever have a girl in her personal space again. But she did return the hug, despite the horrible mental scar, and began rocking her back and forth to make sure she'd calm down. "Dear Jesus, why me? Not another hug. . . Oh, well I guess if she's sad. . ." But surprisingly, Aeris began laughing. "Oh dear, she's snapped. ."  
"Did you ever know about that time he dressed as a girl?", asked Aeris.  
"Yeah, you mean at the wallmarket when you had to sneak into Don Corneo's place just to get past the guards?"  
"Heh, yeah. You know, he really would go to quite some large lengths just to see Tifa. But then again, I wonder if he also did it for me."  
"Aeris. . ."  
"Hold on. I'm okay now. It just helps to remember something funny about the person to make me feel better." Aeris stopped the embrace, much to Rachel's relief, and stood up. "You know, you shouldn't be so hesitant to a hug. It really did make me feel better. You're not as bad as the others say you are. Thank you." She walked up the stairs, and Rachel just sat there.  
"Oh my god, did I just let another girl hug me. AGAIN?" She shuddered. "Oh fateful day when I got that bear hug. . . It stings in my mind. . . Sigh. But she feels better and I can't stand to see people sad."  
"It makes you soft hearted that way."  
"AAHHH! STOPPPIT VINCENT!", yelled Rachel. Vincent awoke and sat up in the chair. "You know, I saw everything. That was nice."  
"Says the crazy vampire across the table. . .", said Rachel.  
"WHY DOES EVERYONE BELIEVE I'M A VAMPIRE!", he exclaimed. "Well, you're pale-ish, you have red eyes, black hair, funky cloak, you're mysterious, and let us not mention you sleep in a COFFIN in what seems to be an undead CRYPT. . ."  
"I see. But I've been meaning to remodel!"  
"Nope, it's official. You've been labeled."  
"But that's beside the point. You shouldn't change the subject. I still say what you did was nice."  
"Nah, me? I don't do nice. I fight people. That's what I do."  
"Fight people?"  
"Well, not all the time. Actually, it's more of a social war going on back at my home at school. You know me vs. Preps. That and other miscellaneous jerks who won't leave me and my friends alone. But that's an old war nobody has any idea to how it started. It's all just unreasonable."  
"I remember somebody who said something very similar to that.", said Vincent, remembering Cloud. "And he had a soft heart, too. But are you really defending yourself, or your friends?"  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
"It means, it just annoys you to see your friends get picked on, so you defend them, just like a guardian."  
"HAH! GUARDIAN?! I must be nuts to be talking to you."  
"And here you are defending yourself."  
"Look, I have a relatively short temper. I remember one time I took a kid and grabbed his collar and shoved him into the wall. Does that sound nice to you?"  
"You probably had a reason."  
"What? He was throwing around all our school bags."  
"OUR school bags?" She realized she had been pegged by a vampire, and he was grinning at her.  
"Oooh, you're good.", she said. "But why are you still here? Shouldn't you be outta here? IT'S 3 IN THE MORNING!"  
"There you go, changing the subject again. But I SHALL be taking my leave." So he opened then door and in a sweep of his cloak, he was gone.  
  
"Stupid Vincent. . .grumble grumble. . .", went Rachel as she headed up the stairs. Aeris was sound asleep when she got up the stairs. There was a window between their houses, and she could see into a window of Cloud's house. But she just continued changing, and before she fell into bed, she saw the light turn on.  
"Hey Rachel, is that you?", asked Aeris from her bed. Rachel was still looking out the window, and it was Cloud and Tifa.  
"OH SWEET JESUS!", she shrieked, because it was Cloud's bedroom.  
"What? What is it?", asked Aeris groggily.  
"Uh heheheh, ummm. . .", said Rachel nervously as she quickly closed the curtains.  
"Come on, I want to see.", said Aeris.  
"Oh really? Uh, it's nothing, really? Let's just say Tifa isn't going to be back until morning."  
"It IS morning."  
"Until the light of day."  
"Okay. . .YAAWN!", went Aeris, and her head fell against the pillow asleep.  
"Sigh, the sound of the innocent. No wonder Cloud likes her, sheesh." Rachel climbed into bed, and pulled out a calendar she had since she came here to record the days.  
"Today is October 11, so. . . Oh boy, it's almost my birthday! I feel horribly old. . . I wonder if Laura remembered my birthday?" Laura sat up in her bed at Cloud's, and she was also looking at the same day on her calendar.  
"Hey!", she said. "It's almost VINNIE'S birthday! It says something else here in smaller print, must not be important. Besides, it must be for the next day, because it has a 14 on it." All of a sudden, she heard moans and other sounds coming from Cloud's room. "I wonder what that is? It almost sounds like something dying. Oh well, I'll just see in the morning."  
  
Meanwhile, back at Tifa's house, Aeris was having disturbing nightmares, and Rachel just sat up, listening to what she was muttering under her breath.  
"Cloud! No. . . not. . .please. . . Come back. . . Cloud. . ." Rachel could see her tossing and turning, and even saw the slight glimmer of a tear as she slept.  
"Damn. She's TOO innocent. It's a little creepy. Oh well, I'll give her this." She walked over to the desk and pulled out her sketchbook, and tore out a page. "And I like this one, too." And she left a picture of Aeris and Cloud with each other, together and smiling, done in a charcoal and left it on her night stand. "Dammit, if she ruins that picture, she owes me more than 50,000 gil.", she muttered as she turned off the light.  
  
"Heh, she really has a conscience.", said Vincent who was hanging outside their window, looking through the small opening Rachel left. "I wonder how Laura's doing?" He turned around, expecting it to be Laura's window, and instead saw Cloud and Tifa. "HOLY %#!", he screamed, and he lost his balance and fell off the roof. 


	10. Chapter 9: Birthday From Hell

Chapter 9: Birthday from Hell  
  
Note: Hello there. As usual, this concept is owned by Squaresoft. But before you read, I must warn you: This chapter was inspired by sugar, insanity, and mulling over the ripe old age of 14 too much. OH YAH, AND, LadyTifa26's permission was issued for the respectable usage of herself, Laura.

* * *

"LAURA!"  
"Huh?"  
"LAURALAURALAURALAURALAURA!!!!", shouted Rachel as she jumped up and down while shaking Laura to get up.  
"Get control of yourself, woman!", yelled Laura, and she slapped Rachel.  
"GUESS WHO'S BIRTHDAY'S TODAY!?", she squealed giddily.  
"Oh yeah! I know whose birthday it is today!"  
"Whhooooosse?", Rachel said in a singsong voice.  
"The most important person on the planet!"  
"AAWWW! You flatter too much!"  
"VINNIE!"  
"DIH!", yelled Rachel, falling to the ground in exasperation. "NO! MINE!"  
"Oh yeaahhh, it's your 14th, isn't it? I put that down in small letters right here under Vinnie's." Laura handed over her calendar, and when Rachel looked, she couldn't see where it was written.  
"Where is it!?", she yelled.  
"Right here. You might have to squint a little. . .", she said she pointed.  
"Oh, yeahhhh. I see it now. . . WHY IS IT SO SMALL?!"  
"Hey! Don't blow a gasket! It's just that it's Vinnie's birthday as well. Weird how both of yours are on the thirteenth, huh?", Laura said with a smile.  
"I. . .HATE you. . ."  
"Okay, er then uh, I know! Let's tell Cloud! You'd like that, right?", said Laura as she walked over to Cloud's bedroom door.  
"Uh, Laura?"  
"What?"  
"You might not wanna do that. . .", said Rachel with a nervous smile.  
"Oh, why not?", she said with a grin. She opened the door, and saw Cloud and Tifa.  
"SCCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH!" SLAM! Laura slammed the door shut, and her heart was pounding as she leaned against the door. "I think I've officially gone blind."  
"I told you. . .", said Rachel with that same nervous smile.  
  
"Rachel? Are you here?" Aeris' voice came from downstairs.  
"Yeah! I'm here!" Aeris began coming up the stairs, and smiled widely when she saw Rachel.  
"AAWW! Thanks for the picture! That was really sweet!" She hugged her again, and again came that nervous smile. "Where's Cloud? I want to show him it!"  
"No no, there's no Cloud here!", said Laura who was now guarding the door.  
"Isn't that his room? Is he sick?"  
"Uh no, I think he's quite well really. . .", Rachel said with a sweat mark getting larger.  
"Hey! Uh, come on! Let's get breakfast started! Shall we?", said Laura, steering Aeris away from the door. But she began tripping down the stairs blindly.  
"Oh sweet Jesus, she HAS gone blind." The door to Cloud's room burst open, hitting Rachel who was now behind the door, and Cloud and Tifa stepped out.  
"I think the coast is clear. Come on, follow me.", he whispered. They walked carefully away from the door.  
"Ow. . .ouch. . .", Rachel mumbled as she slid off the wall, leaving a mark and a little blood.  
  
"Hi Cloud! Was anything wrong?", asked Aeris back at Tifa's house, making breakfast.  
"Oh, uh, NO! Everything is fine! Right Tifa?"  
"Er, right Cloud!", said Tifa, with a sweat drop.  
"CLOUDY! SQUEE!", squealed Rachel as soon as he went through the door.  
"HEY! I THOUGHT WE AGREED YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT!"  
"STOP LIVING IN THE PAST CLOUDY, AND LIVE WITH ME!"  
"I LIVE NEXT DOOR!"  
"NOT CLOSE ENOUGH!"  
"AARRRGGHHH!" Tifa looked at them angrily, and walked off. "NO! Well, there's another one gone. . ." Laura was sitting at the table with a blank look on her face, waving her hand in front of it.  
"Laura? Are you okay? Is she blind?", asked Aeris, looking at the diminished brown color of her eyes.  
"Uh, you might say. . .yes."  
"Don't worry, she's just suffering from darkness.", said Cloud, prying off Rachel. "I can heal her right here."  
"Hey guys." Suddenly, the color came back to Laura's eyes, and she turned around to see Vincent, even before Cloud could help her.  
"VINNIE!"  
"AAUUGH!" All of them stood there with sweat drops, watching as Laura buried her head into Vincent's stomach.  
"Aw, I think they make a cute couple.", said Aeris. "I only sort of wish I had admirers."  
"Vinnie. . ."  
"Grrr. . ."  
  
"I thought you said something on toning down the annoying.", said Cloud over breakfast. They all sat down to the immense breakfast that Aeris always made, but Tifa was just looking over at the table at both Laura and Rachel, who were both sweating nervously under her piercing gaze.  
"Eeee. . .", said Laura and Rachel in unison.  
"Calm down Tifa. They didn't see much.", said Cloud.  
"See much what?", asked Aeris and Vincent.  
"Oh, uh, nothing, nothing. . . But you said you would tone down the annoyance factor."  
"Well, today we should be exempt from that.", said Rachel.  
"Why?"  
"IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!", she screamed excitedly.  
"It's also Vinnie's birthday!", said Laura. "I'm gonna get him the best present. ALL OTHERS WILL BE DESTROYED!"  
"No, I will not be partaking in any birthday festivities.", said Vincent solemnly while finishing off some bacon.  
"Why not? Don'tcha wanna see my present, Vinnie?", she breathed in his ear while tracing a circle with her finger on his chest.  
"EEEP! AWAY DEMON CHILD!"  
"How many times do I have to tell you I'm not a child!", she said with annoyance. But with a grin, she bit her lip a little and moved back to his ear. "But I CAN be a DEMON. . ." All of a sudden, she stuck her tongue in his ear, but instead of screaming like he almost did, a look of insurmountable pleasure overtook his face. The others still sat there, with larger sweat drops than before. She quickly released him however, and she got up from the table, went and opened the door, but she blew a kiss to him before she left the room. Vincent just looked back with his mouth gaping wide, and he moved to follow.  
"Sit back down here, lover boy.", said Rachel, with an annoyed look on her face, and she pulled down on his cloak and he was reseated.  
"Awwww. . ."  
"Now, are we going to celebrate our birthdays or what?", asked Rachel.  
"Well, I guess so. Tifa?", asked Aeris.  
"Fine, fine whatever. Just lay off Cloud."  
"Whatever, I already know it's you job to lay ON him anyway."  
"OKAY! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!" THWACK! Aeris hit Tifa on the head to calm her down.  
"Ow! What was that for?", asked Tifa as she rubbed her head.  
"Calm down, remember, I'M their disciplinarian."  
"But they haven't improved AT ALL."  
"Violence doesn't solve anything."  
"Oh, but I'll bet MINE will.", said Tifa while looking at Rachel with a demonic look, and also smacking her fist against her other hand.  
"Cool it. You've been extremely aggressive ever since they got here.", said Aeris, beginning to clear off the table.  
"It's true.", said Cloud, getting up. "But I'm not complaining. . .", he said with a devilish grin.  
"AHEM!", coughed Tifa, pointing at Aeris who was standing nearby.  
"Oh, right. . ."  
"So Cloud, did I show you this?", asked Aeris cheerily, turning around to show him the picture Rachel gave her.  
"Hey, pretty good! Did you do this? I didn't know you could use charcoal."  
"No, Rachel did when I wasn't feeling very well.", said Aeris as she gave him a big hug. He hugged back, but when he saw Tifa glaring at him, he smiled very nervously.  
"Let me see that.", said Tifa, taking the picture.  
"Hmm, Aeris and Cloud. Not bad.", she said looking at it.  
"Yeah, I spent some time on that. My skill with charcoal is at a beginner's level, so. . .", said Rachel. "But In also drew some pictures with you and Cloud. But in those pictures, you seem more. . .pleasant." Tifa just shot her an angry look and walked closer.  
  
"GET TO WORK!", she yelled as she flung Rachel into the stables.  
"See! That's the kind of unpleasantness I'm talking about!", Rachel yelled back. Laura was in there, feeding her own personal chocobo she named after her boyfriend in the real world, Nat.  
"Hey, what was with the scene at the table?", Rachel asked as she picked up some greens to give to her black chocobo, Nightwind.  
"Thought I'd just do something different."  
"Well THAT was different."  
"So what'd he do when I left?"  
"He tried to follow."  
"REALLY?!"  
"Yeah, but I sat him back down."  
"Awwww, why'd you do that?"  
"YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND!"  
"Not in this world, I don't. What if we never get back? I mean, I was a week away from graduation!"  
"But isn't this more fun?", said Rachel, giving a scrunched look as she heaved then chocobo dookie into a pile with her shovel. "Well, not THIS. . ."  
"I guess. But I kinda miss everyone I knew. Family, friends. . . Oh well, at least I'm not alone."  
"Yeah, you would've been chewed up by that big boobed wolverine back there."  
"I HEARD THAT!", yelled Tifa from outside.  
"And did I mention she has good hearing?"  
"Sigh. Try NOT getting on Tifa's nerves. She quite nice when you're not bothering her."  
"How would YOU know?"  
"One time I actually made her feel better. But if you want to live to see your next birthday, you're gonna want to NOT make her angry."  
"Fine then. But did you get anything for me for my birthday?"  
"Yeah, I actually found a bookstore here that has mangas."  
"REALLY?! COOLNESS!", shrieked Rachel.  
"Yeah, but this being a different world, they only have mangas SIMILAR to ours." She pulled out some mangas, and handed them to Rachel.  
"Real Tough High School?", said Rachel, reading the titles aloud. Oh Yeah Goddess!?"  
"Yeah. Parallel world, parallel mangas.", Laura shrugged.  
"Weird. So what are you getting Vincent?", asked Rachel. "Are you really gonna-  
"No, I'm not like THAT.", cut off Laura. "I'm probably just gonna get him a card."  
"You're getting your lust object A CARD!?", said Rachel in disbelief. "Wow, how romantic, a card."  
"What's wrong with a card?"  
"Well, first you ram your tongue into his head, and now you just get him A CARD?!"  
"Sorry, it was just an impulse."  
"Yeah, impulsive. . ."  
"Well, I don't see you doing anything with Cloud."  
"That's because I actually have some self restraint."  
  
"Hi Rachel."  
"CLOUDY! SQUEE!", shrieked Rachel, tackling him. Laura, and even all the chocobos in the stables had sweat marks.  
"GAHHH!"  
"Self restraint, huh?", said Laura.  
"GET OFF!"  
"Oh, Cloudy. . ."  
"Just when I was thinking you had SOME sanity. . ." Laura helped remove Rachel from Cloud, and he stood up and brushed himself off.  
"Phew, thanks. Okay, we decided that you CAN celebrate your birthday, BUT, it will be conjoined with Vincent's birthday. Got it?"  
"YAY! PARTY! LET'S PAAAAAAARRRTYYYYY!", screamed Rachel.  
"Dear God, what pagan rituals have I resurfaced?"  
"WOOHOO! I'll call everybody! Is there anyone I SHOULDN'T call?", asked Rachel.  
"Hmmm, I can't think of any. So just call away."  
"YAY!" Cloud walked out of the stables, and Rachel began dialing on her PHS. "Okay, I'll do this in alphabetical order. First is Barret."  
"Hello?"  
"HI BARRET!"  
"SWEET JESUS! Is that Rachel?!"  
  
"YEP!"  
"Why the hell are you callin' here? Don't tell me. The others went insane and committed suicide, right?"  
"Er, no. . .I'm inviting you to mine and Vincent's birthday. Are you coming?"  
"WHY SHOULD I?!"  
"Uh, there's uh. . . a cake?"  
"WOOHOO! CAKE! I mean uh, yeah, BUT JUST 'CAUSE OF THAT YAOI VAMPIRE!"  
"Yaoi? Vincent's yaoi?"  
"Sure, haven't you seen all those Cid/Vincent stories?"  
"Er, I'm just gonna ignore that. . .See ya' there. . .I think." She hung up, blinking rapidly with a confused look on, and just decided to call Cid next. "Hello? Cid?"  
"Who the %&! is this? Mother? I already said I'd be over to rub your feet!"  
"Uh. . ."  
"Oh, it must be Shera. Yeah, what the %&! Do ya' want? If it was about last night, I already said-  
"No, it's Rachel.", she cut off before he could reveal anything more.  
"Oh. WHY THE #&$$(! ARE YOU CALLING?!"  
"Er, um, it's Vincent's birthday, and it's also mine , so uh, I was wondering if you'd come. . ."  
"Is smoking allowed?"  
"Uh, yeah, sure."  
"ALRIGHT! I'LL BRING THE BEER!"  
"Um, yeah, you do that."  
"HAH! SEE YOU LATER!"  
"Wow. That wasn't as hard as I thought. Okay, now who's next. . . Red XIII. THAT shouldn't be hard."  
"Hello?"  
"Hi Red! This is Rachel. I was wondering-  
"NO!"  
"But I haven't even-  
"NO WAY!"  
"IT INVOLVES CAKE!"  
"Well, okay, now I'm listening."  
"Jesus, well then, Vincent and I are having a birthday party so, uh, are you coming?"  
"CAKE!"  
"Um, yeah. . .cake. . ."  
"SEE YA'!"  
"Hmm. That was ODD. Okay next is Reeve. Hello?"  
"Hello.", said a rather nonchalant voice.  
"Er, hi. Um, this is Rachel. There's gonna be a party. Are you coming?"  
"That's hard to say. I have a busy schedule. I CAN however fit you in between my 5 o'clock meeting and my massage therapy session. Is that okay?"  
"Uh, sure."  
"Okay then. Good day."  
"Well, he sounds perfectly BORING. I hope he doesn't drag down the party. . . Okay, last is Yuffie." She dialed, and got the answering machine. "An answering machine for her PHS? That's odd. . ."  
"Hello, and welcome to Yuffie's materia hotline! I will answer all your questions and do anything to get your materia, er I mean, help you with your materia needs!" Rachel was standing there with another sweat drop. "All YOU, the consumer has to do, is send me your materia, and I will give you all you need to know about it! And remember I like powerful materia! I mean, I like answering your questions! Yeah, that's it. . ."  
"YUFFIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?", yelled a loud voice in the background. Rachel's sweat drop got larger. "YOU SHOULD BE TRAINING AT THE PAGODA!"  
"JESUS GODO! SHUTUP! I'M RECORDING THIS!"  
"YOU DO NOT TELL YOUR FATHER TO SHUTUP!"  
  
"Uh heh heh, that's right folks, just send that materia to Yuffie! Gotta go!"  
"Well, THAT was strange. Hey Laura, go ahead and invite anyone else I forgot, and try Yuffie again later."  
"GOT IT!", she saluted.  
  
"YAY! PARTY TIME!", shouted Rachel from the Shinra mansion, where the party was held. Vincent was standing next to her, with a very annoyed and demeaned look as he wore one of those stupid looking party hats.  
"WHY, AM I WEARING THIS?!", he asked.  
"Because you're turning 28! You're the oldest one here! Well, without Cid, Barret, and Red. . ." Cid was dancing around drunk with a lampshade on his head, Barret was shooting things with his gun arm, Aeris was nowhere to be found, Red was sleeping on the couch, sitting next to Cloud and Tifa who were busy making out, Reeve was on his cell phone, and Yuffie was trying to steal Red's materia. DING DONG! "Who else could be here?", asked Rachel. "Laura? Who else did you invite? A stripper?"  
"Now that you mention it, I wish, but maybe we could get one of them to strip. I still have Tifa's male stripper cop uniform."  
"Wait. One of these guys to. . .strip?" Rachel opened the door, and Rufus and the Turks stood there. "TURKS!?! You invited the TURKS!?!"  
"Uh, yeah. Got any problem?"  
"SQUEE! RUFUS! RENO! YAY!", squealed Rachel, jumping both. "Too bad Tseng isn't here. . .three times the pleasure. . .sigh. . ."  
"GET OFF OR I'LL SEND DARK NATION ON YOU!", threatened Rufus.  
"Wait a second, aren't you supposed to be dead, like Tseng?"  
"No, Scarlet and Heidegger just presumed that. I'm alive. SO GET OFF ME!"  
"YEAH! OR I'LL SHOOT YOU!", threatened Reno. Elena and Rude pulled her off however, and she let them in.  
"Turks? Who invited them?", asked Cloud, taking Tifa off his lap.  
"Laura did. So, who's gonna be the stripper? I know! RENO!", shouted Rachel with delight. "Unless Cloudy will do it. . ." Reno began smirking at Cloud, trying to cover up his suppressed laughter of thinking of Cloud as a male stripper cop.  
"I SHWARE TO DRUNK OCIFER, I'M NOT GOD!", said Cid in a slurred speech before he fell on the ground.  
"Hmph. Strange. . .", said Rachel.  
"I know what will make us all happy! Hey Tifa, do you have any more of these?", asked Laura.  
"Uh, yeah, and how'd you know that was mine?", she said.  
"Um, a good guess?", said Rachel nervously.  
"But please get them.", said Laura. "I have an idea. . ."  
  
"WOOHOO! YEAH! STRIPPER COPS ON PATROL!", squealed Laura. Vincent, Cloud, Reno, and Rufus were all in stripper cops outfits, all looking very indignant.  
"Sigh. Too bad Sephy isn't alive to be here. HE COULD BE THE SHERRIFF STRIPPER COP!", said Rachel. The rest were sitting on the couch, and all the girls were grinning widely.  
"WHY, again WHY, are we doing this?", asked Reno.  
"Because it has been decided that the best stripper gets to end the night with Tifa."  
"WHAT?! I NEVER HEARD THAT!", yelled Tifa.  
"Hold on.", whispered Rachel. "They do their job, then when you leave with them, you knock em' out cold, got it?"  
"Hey, that's actually a good plan."  
"Thank you, thank you.", Rachel said as she bowed.  
"They get Tifa! I'M IN!", yelled Reno.  
"YEAH! WE'RE ALL IN!", said Rufus.  
"Tifa? Hmm . . .", said Vincent. "I don't know. What would Lucretia say. . ."  
"Aw, come on Vinnie! Be a sport!", said Laura. "I'll do that ear thing again. . ."  
"Deal!"  
"What about you Cloud?"  
"Why should I? I already AM getting some."  
"Yeah, but what if Reno's better than you, and Tifa goes for HIM?", whispered Rachel in his ear. He thought about it and said, "How's that possible? Better than ME?"  
"It could happen."  
"NO WAY! RENO'S GOING DOWN! I AM NOW THE STRIPPER GOD!", yelled Cloud.  
"This'll be good. . .", said Rachel to herself. "HEY AERIS! STRIPPING COMPETITION!", she yelled into the kitchen.  
"Who's competing?", she yelled back, carrying a cake to a table.  
"Well, Cloud's th-"Aeris was already sitting before Rachel could finish. "Well, that was quick. Okay! We, the female panel, including our guest judge, Elena of the Turks, will be judging. ANY QUESTIONS?"  
"How far can we strip until we can stop?", asked Rufus.  
"Hmmm, Elena, since you're the guest judge of this panel, you decide.", said Rachel.  
"Who said there's have to be a limit.", she said as she grinned at Reno.  
"Oooh, I hate you. But remember, I WILL BE LEAVING HERE WITH TIFA!", he shouted.  
"Alrighty then! First up is. . .", Yuffie was pulling a name out of a hat.  
"Cloud, Cloud, Cloud, Cloud. . .", muttered Aeris, Tifa, and Rachel, all with their fingers crossed.  
"RUFUS!"  
"Darn. Oh well, I LIKE HIM, TOO!", smiled Rachel. "Ok, President Rufus, shake what yo' mama gave ya'! And notice I said your mother, we DO NOT want to see what your father gave you. Shudder . . ."  
"ALL RIGHT! TIFA WILL BE MINE!", said Rufus. Tifa just scowled at the way she was being thought of as a possession. He began twirling the cop baton, howling madly as he did a small dance, and he let it move across his shirt so fast it undid the buttons.  
"Ooooh. . .", went the judge panel. "WOOHOO! BEST BIRTHDAY, EVER!", squealed Rachel. He then took the still twirling baton, and it undid the belt, much like the shirt, and his pants fell to the ground, revealing purple mog underwear. He flung his pants at the judges, and they landed in Tifa's lap, and she was still scowling more than ever. But Rufus took a bow, as he was now done.  
"Yay! We now know the eternal question! Rufus DOES wear briefs!", said Yuffie.  
"You wondered about it?", asked Rachel.  
"What?"  
"Nevermind. Judges, give him your scores." Rachel gave him a 9.0, Laura gave him a 8.6, Yuffie gave him a 9.5, Aeris gave him an 8.0, Tifa gave him an 7.5, and Elena gave him an 8.9. "A 7.5?", asked Rachel. "Whatever. And our very own Laura will compute your average!"  
"And Rufus Shinra's average is. . .8.6!", shouted Laura.  
"HAH! Beat that!"  
"Okay, Elena, it is now your turn to pick a name out of the hat." Elena stuck her hand in, and pulled out a folded piece of paper.  
"Uh, Tifa, I think this is for you.", said Elena, stifling a chuckle. She handed over the paper, and it was Reno's number, and he was winking at her when she looked over.  
"GRRR!"  
"Okay, here's the real contestant! It is. . . Vincent Valentine!"  
"Oh yay, I can hardly contain myself. . .", he mumbled.  
"Oh Vinnie, in a few seconds, you won't HAVE to contain yourself!", grinned Laura.  
"Oh merciful GOD!"  
"OKAY! START THE MUSIC!", shouted Rachel.  
"God. . .", he said as it started. "THIS IS GOING TO BE QUICK!" He pulled out his revolvers, and he started shooting bullets in all directions, even flying past the judges' heads. He even seemingly aimed shots at himself, all while doing a strip dance, and all of a sudden, he stopped. When he did, all his shots hit perfectly in the center of all the pictures on the wall, and on the wall it also had a heart with an arrow going through it, and it said in the center "Vincent Valentine" in cursive. The judge panel were absolutely amazed at this, when Laura realized, "Hey! You didn't strip!" But all of the shots aimed at him grazed at his clothes, weakening the bond, and as he stood in the pose, all the clothes fell to the ground, except for his boxers that had pink hearts on them.  
"Gaaahh. . .",drooled Laura. "PERFECT TEN!"  
"All right ladies! Give him your scores!", shouted Rachel. Yuffie gave him a 9.7, Rachel gave a 9.5, Laura gave him a perfect 10, Elena gave him an 8.0 because a bullet came a little too close for comfort for her, Aeris gave him a 9.0, and Tifa gave him a surprising 8.9.  
"And your average IS. . . 9.2!"  
"HAH! Wait, I did well? I didn't even want to do this!"  
"Well, what can I say Vinnie, you were born to be a male stripper cop!", said Laura.  
"OKAY! IT IS LAURA'S TURN TO PICK A NAME!", said Rachel. Laura stuck her hand in, and pulled out a name.  
"Cloud Strife!"  
"SSQQQQUUUUUEEEEEEEEE!", squealed three of the judges in unison, all being Aeris, Tifa, and Rachel.  
"OKAY! START!" Cloud immediately whipped out his Buster sword, and it began whirling all around him as he did a strip dance. In streaks of silver, it would make patterns in the air, and sometimes writing out names, and he even winked a little at the judge panel, upon which Rachel promptly fainted. Suddenly, he began twirling the sword closer to himself, then he stopped. Then, almost out of nowhere, his shirt and undershirt burst into shreds, leaving him shirtless, upon which Aeris stood gaping as his muscles, and when Rachel had reawakened, she almost fainted again.  
"And for my finishing move!", he announced. His hand dug into his pants, and he pulled out his chocobo boxers, not torn or anything.  
"WHOA!", said Rachel before she fainted again. Yuffie awarded him a 9.6, Elena gave him a 9.0 Aeris gave him a 10, Tifa gave him a 10, when Rachel had woken up again, she gave him a 10, and Laura gave him an 8.0.  
"And the average is. . .9.4!"  
"YEEESSS! BOW DOWN TO CLOUD! STRIPPER GOD!", he yelled at Reno, obviously going last. The guys who were watching this however were trying to divert themselves, and you could see Barret puking into a barf bag.  
"Oh, I forgot about them. . . OH WELL! AND LAST UP IS RENO!"  
"YEAH! LADIES, PREPARE TO BE AMAZED!", he shouted.  
"What, that you're a woman? I already knew that.", joked Cloud. Elena was cracking up.  
"YOU ARE GOING DOWN, PRETTY BOY!", he yelled. "START THE MUSIC!" He began doing your classic striping dance, taunting the judges with whatever he's got, and he pulled out his gun. His gun began to spin, and he blew off his bandanna with it, letting his hair free, and he began shooting at it, tearing it to shreds, and leaving something of a pattern, on it, then he like Vincent shot off his clothing, leaving only his undies. "HUZZAH!" He picked up the remains of his bandanna, and the look of those paper doll things were left in them.  
"Actually, that wasn't bad.", said Elena. "At least he didn't take off his underwear."  
"Would that bolster my score?", he asked eagerly.  
"DEAR JESUS, KEEP THEM ON, YA' PERVE!", yelled Cloud.  
"LADIES! YOUR SCORES PLEASE!", yelled Rachel. Rachel gave him an 8.9, Laura gave him a surprising 9.0, just because he was a Turk, Aeris gave him an 8.4, Yuffie gave him a 9.0, Tifa gave him an 7.8, just for him giving her his number, and Elena actually gave him an 8.0  
"And the average is. . .8.5!"  
"DARN IT!", he yelled.  
"HAHA! I AM GOD!", yelled Cloud.  
"Aaawwww, and I always thought so Cloudy!", said Rachel after she jumped over the table and hugged his bare chest, upon which the others were eyeing angrily.  
"Don't worry Vinnie, you came second!", said Laura.  
"Darn. I publicly embarrass myself for noth- gaahhhhhhhh. . ." Laura stuck her tongue in his ear again.  
"DOWN LAURA! DOWN!", yelled Rachel, pulling her away. "OKAY! TIME FOR PRESENTS!", yelled Rachel.  
"Okay Rachel, this one is from Vincent.", said Laura.  
"Oooh, Vincent's present! I gave him a good present, too!", said Rachel as she tore through the paper maliciously. "And it is . . . a choker and spike bracelets? Cool!" He just smiled and waved back, putting his cloak back on. "Okay, Yuffie's present. . . OOH! Summon Materia! What kind is it?"  
"Hold on!", she yelled. "Don't use it!" It began glowing. "Oh, spuds."  
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" All of a sudden, Tifa was hit with a massive blast of energy.  
"It's Typhoon. . .", said Yuffie once it was done.  
"COOL! AND IT EVEN HIT WHAT I WANTED!", Rachel exclaimed. Tifa just glared angrily at her, patching up her wounds. "Okay, this is Cid's. . . Beer and porno?" Cid was just unconscious, still recovering from a hangover. "Uh, yeah, I'll uh. . .yeah. Okay, this is Aeris'! It is. . . hey, how did you know I liked manga?"  
"Uh, you DRAW manga?", said Aeris.  
"Ohhhhhh yeahhhhhhh. COOL! What is it. . .Ranma ¼?"  
"YEP!"  
"Hmmm, well then. . . Okay, Red's present! An Indian dagger? Eh, good enough. Okay, how about Tifa's present!? What's this? A shock collar?" Tifa looked back with an evil grin and a remote. "Eeeeee. . . Um, I'll just move on to Reeve's gift." It was extremely small, and when she opened it, it was a key. "A key?" It also had an electronic keypad.  
"Press that button.", said Reeve, pointing to a blue one. A beep was heard, and an engine was heard out front. They all walked outside, and a Porsche was sitting there. "COOLNESS! YOU ARE OFFICIALLY THE BEST!", said Rachel as she issued him a hug. "Now, I only have one more present, unless the Turks brought me something. . ."  
"Here. This is from all of us.", said Elena as she handed over a gun with a note saying, "In case you ever get angry at Cloud, or for any occasion with him for that matter."  
"Uhhh, okay. . .thanks. But what did YOU get me Cloudy?", asked Rachel. He handed over a container, a long box, and a picture frame. "Hmmm, sword shine. OOH! A SIGNED PICTURE OF YOU SHIRTLESS! COOLNESS! And what's in the box?" She hastily unwrapped it, and she pulled out a long katana, with a leather hilt, and a tassel at the end of it. "SQUEE! THANK YOU CLOUDY! I LOVE IT!"  
"WAIT! Before you tackle me, look at the hilt." There was something engraved on it. It said, "To Rachel: Happy Birthday! But please, don't tackle me, lest you incur the wrath of Tifa."  
"Awwww, shoot."  
"GLADLY!", said Vincent.  
"NO! Hold on! I got you a present!", said Rachel. "But please, don't shoot! Come on, your present is inside."  
"Fine. . ." They all walked back inside, and gave Vincent his presents, and keeping Cid who was still sobering up away from the cake. From Rachel, Vincent received a new gun, Cid also gave him a shotgun and porno, Tifa gave him a black rose, Aeris gave him a new cloak, Reeve TRIED to give him a new place to stay, but Vincent insisted he stayed here at the Shinra mansion, Rufus and the Turks offered him his former position, but instead they offered to search for Lucretia, Yuffie gave him the materia "Odin", Red gave him a book on the Lifestream, and he was now awaiting Laura's gift.  
"OKAY VINNIE! IT'S MY PRESENT NOW!", she chimed.  
"Oh boy, oh boy. How excited am I?", he said in a droll monotone.  
"YOU'LL LOVE IT! IT'S A NOTE FROM LUCRETIA!"  
"WHAT!? DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE IS, CHILD!?"  
"I AM NOT A CHILD! And no, I found this in a book in the library downstairs."  
"Downstairs? You aren't strong enough to get past that Yin and Yang monster downstairs by yourself yet! But let me see the note!" He read the note aloud and it said,  
  
"Vincent dear, I've gone out to get some pizza. Please keep Professor Hojo company while I am gone. And I'm sure he's just kidding when he says he wants to genetically alter you and make me the surrogate mother of an experimentation to breed an Ancient with Jenova cells. Be back with pizza!  
  
Lucretia"  
  
"PIZZA!? SHE LEFT FOR PIZZA!?", cried Vincent. He just went to sobbing in the corner.  
"Oh, dear. . . I don't think he liked your present. . .", said Rachel. 


	11. Chapter 10: A Day at the Beach

Chapter 10p.1: A Day at the Beach Note: Yep, this fic is in compliance with the new changes, as in, I have permission from all characters (except the purely fictional ones.) so all privacy is given to them, except for me because I take all responsibility for MY privacy, in case it is broken. All FICTIONAL characters belong to Squaresoft. AND it IS another chapter in parts, because 1 vacation isn't  
good enough!

* * *

Rachel was sitting on the couch in Tifa's living room, quietly reading a manga. Aeris was in the other room, just talking to the Planet, and Tifa was taking a nap on the opposite end of the couch.  
"BORING!", thought Rachel, placing the manga down next to her. It was the 10th straight day of rain, because of the wet season, and she wondered how she could've kept what sanity she had left. She pulled out her list called "Stuff I want to do in the world of FF7", and checked. Less than half were crossed out. "GOD! I NEED TO DO SOMETHING, NOW! I haven't even done a chocobo rodeo. . . GAK!" All of a sudden, a suitcase fell on her. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT FOR!", she yelled and she flung it off. Vincent was the one who tossed her the suitcase.  
"We're leaving."  
"Where?"  
"Does it matter?"  
"If it's anywhere but here, no."  
"Then start packing."  
"But WHERE are we leaving?"  
"We are to discuss that NOW. Come on, Cloud is waiting next door."  
"What about sleeping beauty over there?" Rachel pointed to Tifa, who was beginning to drool a little and snore.  
"Bring her, I'll take Aeris."  
"Oh GAWD! Now how do I wake her. . .?", she mumbled. She picked up her sheathed katana and started poking her. A few sharp but strangled snores came from Tifa as Rachel blankly poked at her face. "Snore. . .snore. . .SNUCK!. . .snore. . . get. . .away. . .from him. . .you. . .zzzzz. . ."  
"Awwww, she's thinking of me!", Rachel grinned. "But she's not getting up. Okay, I didn't want to do this, but I have no choice. . ." WHACK!  
"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT??!!", screamed Tifa, rubbing the red mark left across her face when Rachel had to hit her.  
"So? What are YOU gonna do? You're not my disciplinarian, Aeris is.", said Rachel, sticking her tongue out at her.  
  
CRASH!  
"What was that?", asked Aeris from the other room to Vincent. They peered over, and saw a dent in the wall, picture frames on the floor, and Rachel bleeding profusely in a heap on the floor.  
"Tifa! I told you, I'd take care of it!", said Aeris. "I was JUST talking to someone for advice on them!"  
"From who?", asked Tifa.  
"Someone on the Planet."  
"Oh, you mean, "the voices" again?"  
"I AM NOT INSANE!", she yelled. Vincent was slowly backing out of the cat fight.  
"I never said you were! It's just it looks weird."  
"Yeah, whatever. . ."  
"PLEASE!", gasped Rachel from the ground. "YOU'RE STEPPING ON ME!"  
"Oh, sorry."  
  
"OKAY!", said Cloud with a smile on his face. They all move to his house to discuss the topic.  
"GET OFF!", yelled Vincent to Laura, who was clinging to him with a grip that was almost choking him.  
"Never will I leave you, Vinnie darling!"  
"Jesus. . ."  
"It's been decided! WE ARE GOING TO THE BEACH!", said Cloud.  
"I want to go snowboarding.", said Rachel.  
"TOO BAD!", grinned Cloud.  
"Oh yeah? Come here. . .", said Rachel as she pulled something out of her pocket. It was a picture, and she showed it to Cloud, and whispered something in his ear and pointed at Aeris.  
"YOU WOULDN'T!"  
"Yeah, I'd show her it."  
"OKAY! OKAY! First, we'll go to the beach, THEN we'll go snowboarding."  
"Better."  
"What did you show him?", asked Tifa, snatching the picture.  
"Oh boy. . .", sweat dropped Cloud.  
"WHERE DID YOU GET THIS PICURE?!", she yelled.  
"LOOK! IF YOU'RE GONNA DO THAT, KEEP THE WINDOWS CLOSED!", yelled back Rachel.  
"Do what?", asked Aeris.  
"Oh, uh, nothing! ABSOLUTELY, nothing! Nada! Zilch! NONE.", they all said, shielding the picture from Aeris' innocent stare.  
"Uhhhh, surrrrrrrrrrre. . ."  
"VINNIE!"  
"GRRRRR. . ."  
  
"What should I pack?", asked Laura to Rachel.  
"Well, what do you want to do there?", asked Rachel.  
"Get married to Vinnie-poo."  
"OTHER than getting married to Vincent."  
"Getting a marriage proposal from Pooky darling."  
"STOPPIT WITH THE NAMES! Please, they're beginning to haunt my nightmares."  
"FINE. Surf, tan, impress Vinnie. . . Stuff like that."  
"I thought you gave up surfing, and you can't tan for beans."  
"Don't remind me. . . But what about Vinnie?"  
"Well, all you HAVE to do is the ear trick."  
"That's already been done. I need something new."  
"Just pack a bathing suit. Or one of those surfing things."  
"Speedo?"  
  
"Yeah, but to me it sounds strange coming from a girl."  
"Whatever. . . What did you pack? We're staying there for 2 days, you know."  
"A rubber ducky, my PS2, manga, clothes, bathing suit. . ."  
"I thought you were hydrophobic."  
"Who says I need to go in the water?"  
"Yeah. . . A rubber ducky? AND WHERE DID YOU GET THAT PS2!?"  
"Wal-mart."  
"NO, I mean, how did it get here?"  
"I dunno. I think it was on the table I fell asleep on. Everything on it came with us."  
"No wonder I had Starbucks all over me when I woke up."  
"HEY! DUMB AND DUMBER! MOVE IT!", yelled Tifa  
"Who's who?", asked Rachel.  
"Does it matter? Move it."  
"Are you all ready?", asked Cloud when they got down.  
"YEP!"  
"Hey, where's Vincent?", asked Aeris.  
"Ready."  
"OKAY! LET'S LOAD UP THE CHOCOBOS!"  
"WHOA! TIFA, WHAT'S WITH ALL THAT?!", shouted Aeris.  
"What? I need all these suitcases to hold everything!", she defended.  
"Okay, but if Choco collapses, it isn't our fault."  
"HEAVE!", said Cloud, picking up the suitcases and putting the on Choco. "Uh, Tifa, you might want to lighten the load a bit."  
"Why?"  
"Look." Choco was on the ground, clearly being squished by all the weight, and was left gasping for air in muffled warks.  
"Oops. . ."  
  
"YEAH! SUN, SURF, AND BEAUTIFUL WOMEN!", shouted Cloud enthusiastically as soon as they entered Costa del Sol. "To the cabana!"  
"Aeris, what's taking so long?", asked Tifa standing outside of the bathroom door, waiting to change into her bathing suit. Cloud and Vincent were staying in a separate place, due to the fact that Laura and Rachel took up the rest of the space in the cabana.  
"There, I'm done!", Aeris said as she stepped out in a red, two-piece bikini.  
"Good. You know, we're gonna meet Cloud and Vincent on the beach, right?"  
"Yeah, yeah. I know. Is Laura back yet?"  
"YEAH! I'M BACK!", shouted Laura as she entered the door, already in her bathing suit, followed by Rachel, toting in a surf board.  
"WHY am I holding this thing?", asked Rachel.  
"I'm putting on the suntan lotion."  
"But you don't tan easily! Even if you got -999 SPF, you wouldn't get a tan!"  
"QUIET! There's ALWAYS hope! Must. . .get. . tan. Must. . .impress Vinnie!", she said as she rubbed suntan lotion furiously across her skin.  
"Okay! Let's go!", said Tifa, stepping out of the bathroom, in a VERY revealing bathing suit.  
"JESUS WOMAN!", yelled Rachel. "WHY MUST EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU JUST SCREAM 'SEX'!?"  
"WHAT!? IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY, SAY IT TO MY FACE!", growled Tifa.  
"Okay! We are here to RELAX. Not kill each other or maim one another into a bloody pulp.", said Aeris, restraining both of them. "Now, let's just go to the beach, and RELAX. Okay?"  
"Fine.", said Tifa, beginning to head towards the door. "But all bets are off once we get home."  
  
"HI CLOUD!", shouted Aeris, Tifa, and Rachel as soon as they spotted Cloud and Vincent on the beach.  
"GAHHHH. . .", drooled Cloud, looking at Tifa and Aeris, his nose beginning to bleed. "WHOA! Did it just get hotter out?!"  
"Back Cloud.", said Vincent. "STAY!"  
"VINNIE!", squealed Laura, charging straight forward at the raven- haired bishonen in crimson swimming trunks.  
"YAH!"  
"CLOUDY!", shrieked Aeris, Tifa, and Rachel, also charging straight forward.  
"AAHHHH!" They were all holding onto him, fondling his features while all the other men on the beach scowled with jealousy.  
"Lucky bastard. . .", they all muttered. "Some of em' have ALL the luck. . ."  
  
"SURF'S UP!", yelled someone, while Laura was waiting in the line up. She came to her feet on the board, and began cutting across the waves, but her gaze was averted to Vincent waving on the beach to her.  
"Vinnie? AARRRGGHHHH!", she screamed as she wiped out, and floated and dragged herself across the beach. He was stifling a laugh as she stomped across the beach towards him, but he burst as soon as he saw her enraged expression.  
"AHAHAHAHA! That was too priceless!", he shouted in pain from all the laughter from her embarrassing accident. Rachel was sitting next to him, as they were both sitting on stools at an on-the-beach drink bar, sitting under the shade. She was also almost laughing. WHOMP!!  
"OUCH! HEY, I WASN'T THE ONE WHO DID ANYTHING!", shouted Rachel, rubbing a bump on her head where Laura hit her on the head.  
"Doesn't matter, you were STILL laughing."  
"BUT SO WAS HE!"  
"Which reminds me YOU. . .", she said in a threatening tone to Vincent.  
"Hey, HEY! It was YOUR fault you looked away. And besides, I thought you liked me."  
"BUT you STILL messed me up. NOBODY messes me up!", she said with fire in her eyes.  
"Eeee. . .", muttered Vincent.  
"Er yeah, did I mention she's very competitive when it comes to surfing?", said Rachel, slowly walking away from the scene.  
"NOW you tell me. . ." SMACK! Laura hit him square in the face with her staff, leaving a dent in his face.  
"Owwwww. . ."  
"Awwww, you poor thing. . .", said a young woman to Vincent as soon as both Laura and Rachel departed. Vincent was knocked unconscious, and the young woman walked away with Vincent leaning heavily on her shoulder.  
  
"Hmm, hmm, hmm. . .", hummed Aeris melodically as she walked across the beach. Tifa was walking behind her, and they were both approaching Cloud, whom they left on the sand on a towel. But when they found him, group of girls had found him, and were feeding him peeled grapes as his head laid in one of their laps.  
"Huh?", he said as he opened his eyes, only to see their angry faces staring back down at him, his head hitting the ground as all the young women fled at the sight of them. "Er, I CAN EXPLAIN!"  
"Yes, we would like to see WHY exactly they were feeding grapes to you like a man-god.", said Aeris with great contempt.  
"Er, um, well uh. . .grapes anyone?", he said, lifting up the bowl. "GYAHHHH!" A blood curdling scream was echoed across they beach as they pounded him into the sand.  
"Daddy?", asked a little girl to her father.  
"Yes sweetie?", he asked.  
"Why is the sand red and lumpy around here?", she asked as she began kicking at the mound of sand. Suddenly, an arm erupted out of the sand.  
"EEEEEK! DADDY! HELP!", shouted the little girl as she ran away. "IT'S THE SAND MAN!"  
"Don't worry honey, I'll get it!", said her father as he stomped down on the mound, until he noticed the mound of sand was screaming in pain. "What?" Cloud's head was poking out of the sand, all bruised and bloody. "AAHHH! RUN HONEY!"  
"Hee, Tifa, I think they found Cloud.", giggled Aeris as she heard the screams of pain coming from Cloud as some other kids ran over to him and began kicking at his head.  
"Heh, the jerk deserves it.", said Tifa with a smile of satisfaction. They both sat down on their towels, under the shade of an umbrella, getting some rest, until a bunch of men showed up.  
"Hey there ladies.", said a man with green eyes and blonde hair, with a bunch of other men behind him. "I see you left that other guy back there. If you come with us, we'll treat ya' real nice.", he said with a wide grin. Tifa merely glanced up, removing her sunglasses briefly, put them back on and lied back down, giving him the finger rather nonchalantly. "HEY! NOBODY PUTS DOWN THE 'SAND STINGERS'!", he said outraged, the other men getting angry as well.  
"Bug off, freak.", said Aeris, sitting up, also peering past her sunglasses. Both she and Tifa stood up, and took their weapons.  
"Oh, so you're the type of ladies that need to be won, eh? Very well then. MEN! GO AND TAKE THESE BEAUTIFUL LADIES TO THE CABANA! CHARGE!"  
"YAAAHH!!", they all yelled, charging straight towards Aeris and Tifa. Tifa assumed her fighting stance, promptly taking out 5 or so guys in a few punches, while Aeris spun her staff so that anyone who approached her was hit mercilessly.  
"Heh.", said Tifa while smirking. "Too easy."  
"Oh come on, you're the one who started the fight so put more effort into it.", said Aeris.  
"Oh yeah! MEN! WE WON'T GIVE UP THIS EASILY TO THEM! ATTACK!" But all of the gang were already sneaking away from him. "HEY! COME BACK!", he yelled, half angry, half scared. "DON'T LEAVE ME HERE! THEY'LL MASSACRE ME! MEN?! Oh shoot. . ."  
"Hmph. Well then, you're the only one left. Aeris, you may do the honors."  
"Thank you Tifa. YAH!" Aeris slid under the man, trip him with the staff, performed a vertical hit while he was still falling, launching him into the air, the used the staff as a bat and knocked him clear down the beach.  
"Eeeee. . ." All the men that were working up the courage to approach them began slinking away, fearing for their safety.  
"Hey, Aeris. What was that all about?", asked Rachel as she and Laura walked over.  
"Nothing, just a bunch of creeps. Oh and tough luck Laura, we saw your wipeout.", said Tifa.  
"GOD! DID THE WHOLE BEACH SEE THAT?!", shouted Laura.  
"Yeah, it wasn't hard to miss.", said Aeris with a nervous smile.  
"Grrr. . ."  
"Wait. Where's Cloudy?", asked Rachel.  
"Oh he's here somewhere. . ."  
"Huh?", said Cloud, waking up out of unconsciousness, looking at a close object that he couldn't identify because his vision was blurry. He squinted his eyes into focus, and saw a crab with huge pincers eyeing his head. "Gulp. HELP! ANYBODY! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THESE CLAWS! ANYBODY?! Oh sweet Jesus. . . AAAHHHHHHHHGGGGGHHHHHHH!" The crab latched onto his nose, and once again his blood curdling cry was heard throughout Costa del Sol.  
"What was that?", asked Rachel.  
"Nothing. Come on, the sun is setting, let's find Vincent. Where was he last?", asked Tifa.  
"We last saw him at the bar.", said Laura.  
"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Someone with a lot of wounds quickly ran by them, yelling with a crab attached to their face.  
"Why did that man look familiar?", asked Rachel.  
"You're just seeing things.", said Aeris with another nervous smile.  
"HAH! LOOK AT THAT WEIRDO OVER THERE!", shouted Laura while pointing at a man with black hair that was tied back, flailing his arms up and down trying to get a squid off of his face in the surf.  
"GOD GET THIS THING OFF ME!" the man yelled in a muffled voice. Aeris quickly ran up and pried the squid off the man's face. "Oh thank you miss- HEY! I KNOW YOU! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!", yelled the man through thick looking glasses.  
"You look familiar as well. . .", said Aeris. "Professor Hojo?"  
"Heh, indeed my dear.", he said as readjusted his spectacles. "I see you're doing well. And who's this?", he asked while looking at Rachel.  
"HOJO!? Can I kill him?", she asked, lifting her katana to his neck.  
"Eeep!"  
  
"Hold still. . .", said the young woman who found Vincent. He was just regaining consciousness as he lifted up his hand to see who it was. "No, stay still. There, that's better. Can you see?" His head was bandaged, as she removed some bandages form around his eyes so he could see better. Through the bandages and the blurryness, he could make out a young woman around his age with light brown hair and freckles. "Red eyes. How strange. I only knew one other man with eyes like yours. . . But he disappeared years ago.  
  
"Don't kill me!", shouted Hojo.  
"And why not?", asked Tifa.  
"Yeah!", chimed in Laura. "You hurt poor Vinnie!"  
"Heh, yes, that fool. But I DO have the one thing he wants most."  
"New underwear?"  
"NO!"  
"Then what? That weird duck inner tube you have on you?"  
"NO!" But the tide came crashing in and knocked Hojo out of Tifa's grip, which was the only thing keeping him here.  
  
"There. All your bandages are gone. Don't strain yourself. That girl hit you pretty hard.", said the woman as she laid down the bandages next to her. They were in a cabana, and he could tell he was still on the beach from the loud crash of the wave sounding in through the open window.  
"Who are you?", he asked as he sat up.  
"Me? Oh I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself. My name is Lucretia."  
  
"HAH! Those baboons won't find me! But if they're here, that Turk might be here as well. I'd better call her. . .", said Hojo, stepping out of the surf on a rather abandoned part of the beach.  
  
"LUCRETIA!", thought Vincent. But before he could do or say anything, the telephone rang.  
"Lucretia!", said a voice on the phone.  
"Oh, is this you Hojo? What is it?", she answered.  
"HOJO!", thought Vincent with urgency.  
"Yes, uh huh. . . Stay away? But he seems nice. And he's rather cute, too. . . Well, if you say so. Yes. I'll leave right away.", she said before she hung up. "I'm sorry, I really have to go!" She bolted out the door before he could catch her, and when he looked out the door, she was gone.  
  
"THAT PENCIL NECKED WEENIE!", shouted Rachel. "If that tide didn't come in . . ."  
"HAllO GuyS. . .", said Cloud in a tired, disoriented, almost drunk tone. "I sheEE YOUU tOok YouR GrAnD olD TiMe. . .", he said, but he steadied himself. "WHILE I LAID IN THE SAND BLEEDING HALF TO DEATH, AND GETTING ATTACKED BY A MAN EATING CRAB!"  
"Well, what else? You could've been just as easily attacked by THIS man eating crab . . .", said Rachel, insinuating about Tifa.  
"WHAT?!", she yelled.  
"Nothing, I didn't say a word. . ."  
"Cloud, didn't you KILL Hojo?", asked Aeris.  
"Yeah. Why?"  
"We just saw him a moment ago."  
"What?!"  
  
"Good Lucretia, you came.", said Hojo as he met up with her.  
"Yes, of course. Why, was he really that dangerous?", she asked.  
"Yes, he's VERY dangerous. He would've killed you."  
"But I could see in his eyes that he was really very nice. Those eyes. . ."  
"Don't even think about his eyes. That's how he mesmerizes his victims."  
"Okay, if you say so. . ."  
"Come on, we have to leave."  
"We're going so soon? But it's so cold back where we came from."  
"Don't worry, we'll just come back when they leave. Okay?"  
"Well, okay. . ."  
"Heh heh, perfect. You'll NEVER have Lucretia back Vincent.", thought Hojo as he walked across the beach with the young freckled girl trailing behind him. "Not as long as she doesn't remember you. . ."  
  
"VINNIE!", shouted Laura as she saw him run to them across the beach.  
  
"HOLD ON THERE, SHE-DEVIL!", he yelled. "I just saw Lucretia!"  
"Lucretia? But we just saw Hojo!"  
"Yes, I heard them talking on the phone!", said Vincent. "We must find them!"  
"But their probably gone.", said Cloud.  
"But I can't give up!", said Vincent.  
"He's probably right Vincent.", agreed Tifa. "Most likely, they're gone. That was a half hour ago."  
"Hmmm, Lucretia. . .", she whispered.  
"Come on Vincent.", said Cloud. "We're going to our next vacation spot. You'll feel better after a little R&R. Okay?" They all began walking off the beach, but Vincent hesitated a little as he stared into the waning sunset.  
"I promise I'll find you. . .Lucretia."  
  
"Lalalalala. . .", hummed Rachel.  
"What are YOU so happy about?", asked Cloud, tending to his injuries.  
"I FOUND A PET!", shouted Rachel happily.  
"Oh yeah? What kind of pet?"  
"I call him Bob the crab!"  
"A crab?" He looked at the crab she was holding up to his face, and it glared back angrily at him, for it was the same one that attacked him earlier. "Good crab. Nice crab. . . ARRRGGGHHHHHH!" It jumped and latched back onto his face, and he shot forward running and screaming.  
"HEY! YOU TOOK MY PET!", shouted Rachel, chasing after him with the umbrella.  
"What's she chasing after him for?", asked Aeris.  
"Her pet. . .", said Laura, a sweat drop building, and all of them watched with nervous smiles as Rachel ran up and down the beach after Cloud, whacking him with the umbrella.  
"Pass the popcorn Tifa.", said Aeris, as Tifa was just watching them run back and forth. THWOCK! THUD!  
"Ooooohhh, that's GOTTA hurt!" 


	12. Chapter 10 p2: Icicle Inn

Chapter 10 p.2: Icicle Inn Note: Of course, this has permission granted from LadyTifa26, and hopefully from Sadie or Sephiroth1Ripley8 whatever name she prefers to use . I can't completely remember her pen name, so it might be wrong. And yes, also this  
is owned by Squaresoft. ENJOY THE FIC!

* * *

"Is everyone ready?" Cloud stepped out of the cabana with a load of suitcases and a Hawaiian shirt, and Laura was tripping along behind him with an unusual reddish like blush on her cheeks.  
"I'M SSHUURRE READY CLOUDDD. . .", she said in a slurred voice.  
"Uh, Rachel?", asked Cloud.  
"Er, what?", she replied in a nervous tone.  
"Why is she drunk?"  
"Drunk? What is this drunk you speak of?"  
"You know, drunk. Wasted."  
"Um, looooong story." Tifa and Aeris also began tripping out of the cabana, and Cloud just looked strangely at her, then angry.  
"WHY?!"  
"Well, we went out for daiquiris and well. . ."  
"HIC!" Vincent also came tripping out with his bandanna on tied on his waist and his boxers on his head, and in all other respects, he was completely naked.  
"Oooohhhh hheeyy Viinn(hic!)iiiee!", said Laura, tripping forward to hug and snuggle up against him, and he was so drunk to even mind.  
"CLLOOOUUDDDY!", said Both of Tifa and Aeris, beginning to hang all over Cloud.  
"RACHEL!", Cloud yelled.  
"Well what?! Vincent was so down last night, we took him to the bar and well, I'm only fourteen so they wouldn't let me drink. But it was fun, you should've joined us for strip poker."  
"STRIP POKER!?"  
"Uh heh heh, yeahhhh. . ."  
"Wait, then why is Laura drunk? She's only 18!"  
"Well, actually to my mistake she's 17. It appears I don't even know her age."  
"Wow, what an interesting friendship you must have if you don't even know each other's AGE. Now why is SHE drunk?!", he asked, pointing straight at Laura who was poking at a drunk and unconscious Tifa collapsed on the ground."  
"She won at strip poker and was allowed to drink as much as she pleased.", said Rachel, now slowly backing away.  
"AND WHO MADE UP THAT PRIZE?!", he shouted.  
"EEP! Well, uh, actually, Aeris did.", said Rachel. Aeris was bent over a bush, throwing up.  
"Well THAT'S new. A drunk Aeris."  
"YEP! FUN!", said Rachel, giving the "V for victory" sign.  
"OKAY! FINE! WE'RE STILL LEAVING THOUGH!", shouted Cloud because he didn't want all the packing to go to waste.  
"But tell me one thing. . .", said Cloud.  
"What?"  
"If you were having drunken strip poker, why didn't you invite ME?"  
"Meh. Couldn't find you. Although We COULD play strip poker in THERE.", said Rachel, pointing into the cabana. "Oh wait. No we couldn't. Aeris already threw up in there. Oh well. . . Cloudy?" He was already doing a little dance, because every time it seems something comes up where it involves her "habits", God intervenes.  
"THANK YOU GOD!", he cried into the heavens.  
  
"Okay, easy.", said Rachel, helping Tifa onto her chocobo. "What happens if you're the drunk driver on a chocobo? Is some sort of traffic police Shinra soldier going to pull you over?" FWUMP! Tifa fell off.  
"Ohhh shoot."  
"OKEEDOKEE THEN!", said Vincent, pulling out his gun in a still heavily drunken state.  
"NO! WAIT!", yelled Cloud. BLAM! The shot hit Cloud, but he didn't even seem fazed. "Ouch."  
"Huh?", said Rachel, walking over to him and just looking at the minuscule scratch marks. "I always wondered why that if you get shout or cut up by a sword, you don't immediately die."  
"Yeah, well it comes in handy.", said Cloud. SHOOF! All of a sudden, Cloud's pants fell to his ankles, and then flew off.  
"I GOT EM'! YESSSS!", shouted Laura, running off with both Cloud's and Vincent's pants.  
"I think perhaps she's still thinking that we're still playing strip poker.", said Rachel with a sweat drop.  
"HEY! GIVE THOSE BACK!", screamed Cloud, chasing Laura all across the world map.  
  
"HUZZAH! WE ARE HERE!", said Rachel as they entered Icicle Inn. Cloud never DID get his pants back, and he was freezing.  
"Can I PLEASE have my pants back?", he asked to Laura.  
"Huh? Oh yeah, the pants. . . Wait, what pants?", she said, sobering up.  
"Oh that's right, she won't remember because she was drunk.", said Vincent, also now sober. "But can I at least have my cloak back?"  
"NO! MY CLOAK FROM VINNIE!", said Laura, clutching it tightly, snuggling her head lovingly into it. "Vinnie. . ."  
"Where are my pants then?", asked Cloud. He looked over and saw Rachel tightly grasping onto it and sucking her thumb. He reached over to take it.  
"HIIISSSSSSSSS!!", hissed Rachel, bearing her teeth.  
"FINE THEN!", said Cloud, pulling out another pair of pants and changing.  
"Uh Cloud?", said Tifa, also sober.  
"What?"  
"Why are you changing in the middle of town?" Everybody in the town were giving him strange looks, and some people even dropped whatever they were carrying.  
"Uh, heh heh heh. . .", he laughed nervously.  
  
"Yes, three rooms please.", said Cloud at the front desk.  
"Oh, so it's one room for him.", said the desk clerk, referring to Vincent. "One room for them.", he also said looking at Laura and Rachel. "And one room for both you and those two ladies? I'm guessing from their current state, you MUST be quite advantageous."  
"What?" He turned around, and Aeris was still very drunk, and Tifa grabbed the bottle of sake out of Aeris' hand and took a large swig of it.  
"HEY! NO MORE OF THAT!", he yelled at them, swiping the sake out of their hand.  
"Ohhhh, but CL(hic) OUDY!", said Tifa, hanging off of him, holding his head VERY close to her breasts. "If you give me that, I'll do something VERY special for youuuuu!", she said in a sing song voice.  
"Oh, and don't (hic!) forget abboutt meeeeee!", said Aeris, whispering and now sticking her tongue in his ear, also gliding her hand across his chest.  
"AHEM!", coughed the desk clerk.  
"Don't bother him, he's too far gone already.", said Rachel with an exasperated look on her face. He had this look of extreme pleasure on his visage, and Rachel quickly snapped a branch off of a potted plant in the inn.  
"SNAP OUT OF IT!" WHACK!  
"YOWCH!"  
"Good, your back out of it.", said Rachel, dragging him by his ear to the front desk. "NOW PAY UP!", she yelled.  
"Fine, fine. . . But we're only here out of the kindness of my heart, remember?", he said, shelling out a few hundred gil.  
"No, we're here out of extortion and blackmail.", she said. "AND THAT'S WHAT THIS VACATION IS GONNA BE ALL ABOUT!"  
"But remember, I can always just take you back to Nibelheim.", he warned. "LOOKY LOOKY!", said Rachel, waving the picture in front of his face.  
"HAH! GOT IT!", he exclaimed, snatching it from her grip.  
"Oh, Cloudy, I'm not as so foolish as to only have ONE measly copy! I HAVE HUNDREDS!"  
"WHAT?!"  
"Yessiree bob. I AM evil. NOW BUY ME A SNOWBOARD! MAO! MAO DIDDY MAO! DIDDY MAO!", shouted Rachel, hurrying him along.  
"HEY! This is no way to treat a guy you like!", said Cloud.  
"No it's not. BUT LIKE I SAID, THIS VACATIONS ABOUT EXTORTION! I'LL GET ALL LOVEY-DOVEY WHEN WE RETURN!", she said, dragging him along, and Laura was traipsing after, taking a few gulps from the sake and stringing Aeris and Tifa along.  
"Eeww, this tastes sorta. . .funnnnnnyyyyy. . .", she said, her speech slurring again.  
"Did everyone forget about me? Hello?", asked Vincent, stepping out of the bathroom.  
"Lalalalala. . ." He heard sweet humming coming from the upstairs. Slowly, he climbed up, the voice all too familiar.  
  
"Ooh! I like that one, Cloudy!", said Rachel, pointing at a black snowboard, decorated with bright red and orange flames.  
"Okay then.", said the store manager. "Hey! Stock boy! Bring out the black board for these customers!"  
"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU!? I PREFER TO BE CALLED 'ACCOUNTABILITY ENGINEER'!? NOT 'STOCK BOY!", said an annoyingly familiar voice from the back.  
"Grumble, grumble, here's your board, miss.", said the black haired, 30 year old stock boy from the back room. "What's your stance? Regular, or goofy? WHOA! Not you guys again!"  
"Well, hello there, Hojo.", said Cloud, glaring at him angrily.  
"Well well, the spiky-haired runt returns.", said Hojo.  
"CLOUDY IS MORE A MAN THAN YOU, HOJO!", yelled Rachel.  
"HOJO! Are you insulting the customers, AGAIN?!", shouted the manager from the back.  
"Er. . .no boss. . .", said Hojo in a very meek sounding voice.  
"YOU BETTER NOT!"  
"Haha! Yeah, show some respect, stock boy!", laughed Rachel.  
"Just take your stupid equipment, and go, please?", asked Hojo.  
"Not without doing this. YOINK!"  
"HEY! GIVE THOSE BACK!", screamed Hojo, while Rachel ran out with his glasses.  
"I CAN'T SEE!" BONK! Hojo tried running after them as they ran, and he turned and his head hit the wall.  
  
"Hello?", asked Vincent, peering around the corner to see the person humming.  
"Oh! Boss?", asked a voice.  
"Boss?", asked Vincent as he rounded himself around the corner of the stairs, his eyes meeting a pair of eyeglasses, VERY close to his face.  
"AH!", screamed the maid, reeling back, because her head almost hit his. "Oh, I'm so sorry! I get a little clumsy sometimes.", said the maid. "Hey, you look familiar. I remember those eyes. Are you the man from the beach?"  
"L-Lucrecia?", asked Vincent.  
"That's right! You remember! How nice! Oh yeah, and what's your name, sir?"  
"Vincent. . . Don't you remember me?"  
"I DO remember you, but I don't remember you ever introducing yourself to me."  
"I mean, I knew you BEFORE then."  
"Really? I don't remember YOU though. I can only remember this one person."  
"Who?"  
"His name is Hojo. He works at the ski shop in this town."  
  
"HA HA! A STOCK BOY! A MAD SCIENTIST TURNED STOCK BOY! Oh, how the evil have fallen. . .", said Rachel, turning red from laughing.  
"Shhtock boy?", asked Tifa, STILL drunk. "Hee hee, sshhtock boy!"  
"What's so funny?", asked Rachel. "YOU didn't even come into the store with us. You were too busy making snow angels in a MINI SKIRT!"  
"Funnyyyy woorrds. . . SHTOCK BOY!", she said gleefully.  
"Yes a see. . .", said Rachel, looking around strangely. "Cloud? When she gets drunk, is she always like that?"  
"I've only seen her getting drunk once before, and that was at a Christmas party.", he said, recollecting his memories back to that point in time.  
  
"WWOOOOOHOOOO CLOUD! FFUUUNNNNNN!", shouted a drunk Tifa at the Christmas party. "Letsh drink shinging shongs! I mean shink, er dink, er. . . who are you?", she said, looking at a picture on the wall of Cid's house, where the party was held. "What are YOU looking at thar? SHTOP LOOKING!", she yelled at the inanimate picture.  
"Uh, Tifa? Why are you talking to a picture.", asked Cloud.  
"Hey you! Why don't we go someplace more. . .private?", she said, jumping into his arms.  
"WHOA! Tifa, are you sure you're okay?", asked Cloud.  
"Oh come on. . .", said Tifa, taking her party hat off and putting it on Cloud's head, while also moving her face closer. "I know! I'll just give YOU your present EARLY. . ."  
"Uh. . . Tifa?", asked Cloud nervously, a sweat mark getting bigger.  
"Come on, I'll give YOU a merry Christmas. . .", she giggled.  
"Uh, um, I don't know. . ."  
"OH, AND WHAT?! YOU DON'T LIKE ME?!", she said, hopping back out of his arms. "THEN HOW DARE YOU TRY AND MAKE ME SLEEP WITH YOU!", she screamed, slapping him and leaving the room, while everyone turned around and looked at them. "Uh, heh hehehh. . .", he laughed nervously.  
  
"Uh, hehheeh, hoo boy. . .", laughing Cloud nervously, coming out of the flashback.  
"Well, what? Was she like that?", asked Rachel.  
"Erhm, uh, let's just say it was a very interesting holiday.", he said. "Come on, let's go to our room. Shall we?", he said, pushing Rachel and Tifa forward. "Okay Aeris! Let's go!", he said grabbing her wrist, stopping her from continuing her little drunken dance, and Laura followed.  
  
"Lucrecia, do you have ANY memory of a man named Vincent?", asked Vincent to Lucrecia, as she sat down on a bed.  
"I have vague memories of someone with eyes like yours.", she said. "But nobody named Vincent. But I do hear Hojo sometimes talking about someone named that. Why?"  
"Tell me, what's your earliest memory?", he asked.  
"Well, that's hard to say.", she said. "The earliest, clearest memory was when Hojo woke me up from some sleep, and he said 'Do you remember anything?'. I remember shaking my head 'no' and he helped pull me out of a bed. I looked around, and he tried and helped me regain my memory. I owe him a lot. Say, if you don't mind me asking, how did you get your arm like that?", she asked, pointing to his golden arm.  
"Hojo did this.", he said quietly.  
"Hojo? The same Hojo I'm talking about? YOU are the Vincent he talks about?"  
"The same one.", he said. "Do you remember EXACTLY where you woke up?", he asked. She nodded back. "Could you take me there?" She nodded again. He took his metal hand, and led him to a nearby house, and led him into the basement.  
  
"VINCENT! Are you here?", asked Laura, stepping into the room of the inn. 'Hmph, I guess he left. And I don't think the maid has been here either."  
"Well, you get your sobriety back quickly, now don't you?", asked Rachel.  
"Sorry. . . I always wondered what sake tasted like. . ."  
"Uh HUH. Where did Tifa and Aeris go?", she asked. They were passed out, Tifa on the bed, Aeris on the floor. "I never knew Aeris could drink like THAT.", she said, stepping carefully around her, into the bathroom. The next time she stepped out, she was wearing a powder blue coat, snow pants, snowboard boots, and goggles.  
"Haha!", she said, putting on her gloves and picking up her board. "Wait, aren't you going to rent a board or something?", she asked Laura.  
"NOPE! I HATE cold weather. . ."  
"You're just chicken.", said Rachel.  
"Oh NO, that's not gonna work."  
"BUCK, BUCK, BUCKAW!", clucked Rachel.  
"SHUTUP!", said Laura, growing steadily annoyed.  
"LAURA IS A CHICKEN! BUCKUK!"  
"OH YEAH! WELL I AM GOING TO SNOWBOARD! NOW SHUTUP!", she shouted, ramming her staff into Rachel's face.  
"Rachel! Are you ready? Rachel?", asked Cloud as he opened the door. He looked down, saw Rachel unconscious with her nose bleeding, and Laura fuming with her staff.  
"Heh heh. . ", he laughed nervously, with a sweat drop.  
  
"Here is the bed.", said Lucrecia, pointing to the bed she had woken up in. It had a light and some weird monitor built into the bed, and the house felt completely abandoned. "Now, please. Tell me how Hojo, could have POSSIBLY done that to your arm."  
"Well, you see," he began. "I used to work for an organization called The Turks. I worked along side with Hojo under this organization, and you were his assistant. He hated me, so one day, he performed a genetic alteration on me, and when I woke up, I had this arm."  
"I don't see why Hojo could've possibly hated you.", said Lucrecia. "You haven't done anything to hurt me like he said you would."  
"I would never hurt you.", he said. "But Hojo did this because I was in his way. I couldn't let him harm you."  
"What do you mean? He HELPED me. With my memory."  
"I tried to stop him, from an experiment he wanted to do to you. He wanted to make you the surrogate mother of an Ancient, and he failed.", he said.  
"I don't believe it.", she said.  
"I have proof."  
"Then show me." He led her upstairs, and put in a tape, the very last one marked, "Confidential." It began playing, and she saw Hojo a couple years younger, and heard him give the order for the soldiers to fire on that innocent married couple. Her lips trembled, and a tear grew larger. She didn't want to believe it.  
  
"GERONIMO!", shouted Rachel enthusiastically as she began her descent down the mountain.  
"EEEEEEEEEEK!", screeched Laura, flailing her arms, flying down the slope.  
"Come on Laura! This is completely safe!", yelled Rachel back to Laura. "Except for the possibility of broken bones, shattered tendons, snapped ligaments, etc!"  
"Oh I feel just DANDY now!", yelled Laura. "YAAAAAAH!" She almost went off the trail. "Um Rachel! I think there's something you overlooked about this trail!"  
"What?!"  
"Remember this trail makes us- YAHHHH!!!!!!!" They both flew off the track, because she didn't remember that at the end of this trail, they would fly off into the path to the Great Glacier.  
  
"Hojo? But how could this be the same one?", she asked. "How do I know I should trust you? There's still no proof that you knew me."  
"Here.", he said, handing her the note that Laura gave him for his birthday. She read it quickly, and slowly handed it back. "I guess it all fits now. He always said he wanted to make it back into the scientific world. I just never knew how he acted. And he was so nice. . ." He wrapped his cloak around her, and her tears stained the delicate scarlet cloth that made up his cloak.  
"Do not worry. I will keep you safe. I will not fail this time."  
"Safe. . . from who?", she asked.  
"Hojo."  
"What will he do?"  
"Anything to kill me."  
"Has he lied this entire time?"  
"I don't know. What did he say?"  
"He promised me we would find a quiet place, where we could be alone together, and I didn't have to work as a maid anymore.", she said. "But I never liked him THAT way. . ."  
  
"Ouch. . .", said Rachel, her body half buried in the snow. A bandersnatch was nearby, looking at the two bodies in the snow, and suddenly bit her. "OW! WHAT'S THAT ON MY ASS!? GOD, IT HURTS!", she screamed. Laura climbed out of the snow, and saw the wolf-like animal attached to Rachel's butt. Rachel's legs were pumping furiously, and she finally got out of the snow. "OWIE, OWIE, OWIEEEEEEEE!" She began running, but she couldn't get it off. SHING! A flash of a blade, and the monster was cut in two. Cloud had boarded down, and killed it.  
  
"What are we going to do about him?", asked Lucrecia to Vincent as they walked back to a room at the inn. Being the maid, she had the keys, and opened the door, but it wasn't the same room they had been in before, where Aeris and Tifa were still unconscious, but it was the room NEXT to it. It also looked the same as the other room, and they stepped in.  
"What do you mean? I would think you want to stay with him.", he said.  
"I couldn't be with a man that could hurt people so much.", she said. "And he hurt you, too. I just. . . can't be with him."  
"It's not like I haven't hurt anybody myself.", he said. "I was a Turk. We are murderers and criminals. That's who we are. Are you sure you would prefer to stay with me?"  
"Yes. Your eyes aren't as cold as his. I KNOW you are a good person. And you can help me also with my memory. WHO were you exactly? I want to know HOW I REALLY knew you. Not just that you met me as his assistant, but how well you knew me."  
"We. . .loved each other.", he said after a few moments. "It's just really hard to see you again, and you can't remember how it was."  
"But we can try.", she said. "I know you can help me remember! And maybe you can teach me even more than Hojo! All the things I wish I could remember, all the feelings I don't have anymore, and maybe I can remember how to love you again. . .", she said as she smiled behind her glasses. He missed that smile so much, her and her cute freckled face.  
"Sure we can.", he said.  
  
"YOWCH!", screamed Rachel, with tears welling in her eyes. "STUPID BANDERSNATCH! AAAAAAGGGGGHH! EASY WITH THE ANTISEPTIC!"  
"Sorry. Yow, HOW did you get this again?", asked Aeris, applying the antiseptic.  
"A bandersnatch bit me in the posterior. ARE YOU SATISFIED NOW!?", shouted Rachel.  
"Calm down! Sheesh, apply it to yourself, the antiseptic won't go through the snow pants. There is NO way I'm going to see your butt."  
"As if I wanted another girl to see it anyway.", replied Rachel. But could you pry that thing sticking out? I don't know what it is, but I can feel it there."  
"Yeah, sure. Grrrrrr. . . ."  
"OOOOOOOHHHHHHGGGGGOOOOOOOD! WHAT WAS THAT?!", shouted Rachel.  
"The fang was still in there."  
"Owwww. . .", whimpered Rachel.  
"I'm going to my room.", said Cloud.  
"I'll go with you.", said Tifa. "It's MUCH quieter in there, and PLUS. . .", she said, now lowering her voice to a whisper. "Being on vacation, I'm SO far behind on my. . .work.", she whispered in his ear with a smile  
They moved to the room next door, and when they entered, Vincent and Lucrecia's eyes widened to the sight of Cloud and Tifa, wildly making out in front of them.  
"Um . . .excuse me.", said Lucrecia. Both Cloud's and Tifa's eyes widened as they looked at both of them looking back at them, and quickly moved apart.  
"What are you doing in here?", asked Tifa, brushing herself off.  
"Um, I'm the maid. I HAVE a key for this room. Vincent, do you know them?", she asked.  
"Times like this, I wish I didn't.", he said. "But I DO know them. There's Tifa, and that is Cloud."  
"Hi there!", greeted Lucrecia warmly, as though the previous events never happened.  
"Uh, Vincent, who IS this?", asked Cloud.  
"I'm Lucrecia!", she said.  
"I thought you disappeared!", said Tifa.  
"I'm here right now, so how could I have disappeared?"  
"Vincent said you did. He was always complaining about his lost love."  
"Really? That sounds so sweet!"  
"Wait, what are we supposed to do with Hojo?", asked Cloud.  
"I don't know.", said Lucrecia. "I think I should tell him I can't stay with him anymore though."  
"Are you SURE that's a good idea?", asked Tifa.  
"Yeah, you can't just run out on people like that! I think I should just go and tell him right now."  
"If that's what you feel is best. . .", said Vincent.  
"Let's go bring the other three.", said Cloud.  
  
"Why can't you just use cure instead of using the old method?", asked Rachel, rubbing her butt after the excruciatingly painful procedure.  
"Oh, I never thought of that.", said Aeris. "Sorry."  
"WHAT!? Jesus. . .", moaned Rachel.  
"HA HA! I'm still fine!", laughed Laura.  
"You won't be for long. . ."  
"Hey guys, look who we found!", said Vincent.  
"She looks familiar. . .',said Rachel.  
"Oh, I know HER. . .", said Laura.  
"Who?"  
"Lucrecia. . ."  
"I thought she was gone. Either that, or under that waterfall near Nibelheim."  
"Wait, WHAT?", said Vincent.  
"Nothing. . ."  
"Well, we're going to see Hojo before we leave this place. Are you coming?"  
"If we can kill him, yes.", said Rachel, pulling out her special katana.  
  
They arrived at the ski shop, and Hojo was there at the cashier.  
"Hi, welcome to the Ski Shop. How may I help you t-HEY! Lucrecia, what are you doing with that VAMPIRE?", he asked.  
"I AM NOT A VAMPIRE!", Vincent yelled.  
"I'm sorry Hojo, but you lied to me.", said Lucrecia,  
"Plus, you're a weenie.", mumbled Rachel.  
"So she's coming with us.", said Cloud, coming up to the desk.  
"Oh yeah? I said it before, and I'll say it again. What are you going to do, draw your SWORD?" Cloud takes out his sword and quickly stabs Hojo.  
"As a matter of fact, I DID.", he said. Everybody was staring at him. "WHAT?! I THOUGHT WE ALL HATED HIM!"  
"I wanted to kill him . . .", whined Rachel. "Oh well, I'll just stab at his dead carcass then. . ." She pulled out her sword, and began stabbing at his body. "Heh heh, that's for also hurting Cloudy, ya' pencil necked weenie. . ."  
  
sake- a Japanese alcoholic drink, made from rice and traditionally served with sushi.

* * *

Yes, yes, another horrible, sugar inspired chapter by yours truly. Next time is a SPECIAL welcoming Lucrecia episode. . . WHY? I don't know. You tell me. Oh and again, thank you Sephiroth1Ripley8 for the usage of that little ending joke. HUZZAH! And if you want to be a character in the series, SEND ME AN E-MAIL! Just tell me if you want to or not, and I'll send you an e-mail giving you the necessary criteria. But as if anybody reads theses little ending notes. . . 


	13. Chapter 11: Girls' Night Out

Chapter 11: Girl's Night Out

Note: As always, permission of Laura is given by LadyTifa26, and all FF7 characters belong to Squaresoft. Here's the fic! And I THINK Irish coffee is the term for that drink. Don't ask where that came from, you'll know. Oh, and this chapter shows what I think guys do when their girlfriends are out.

* * *

"WHAT?!", shouted Laura. "SHE gets to stay with Vincent!" Because Rachel and Aeris already stayed with Tifa and she stayed with Cloud, the only room there would be was with Vincent.

"Do you have a better idea?", asked Tifa.

"I could-

"NO!", the all shouted, except for Lucrecia who was packing her things.

"Sigh. . ."

"I know! She could stay at the house next door! Couldn't she?", said Rachel, hopping on her black chocobo.

"She COULD, I suppose. . .", said Cloud, mounting Knight. Lucrecia came out with a suitcase, and the rest got on their chocobos and Lucrecia went on Vincent's.

"That man stealing little harlot. . .", muttered Laura.

"In case you don't remember," said Rachel. "She DID know Vincent YEARS before you met him a month ago."

"BUT SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER HIM VERY WELL! THAT SHOULDN'T COUNT!"

"Yes, and I should be the queen fairy of Fairyland. Just drop it.", said Tifa.

"Vinnie. . .", sobbed Laura. They sped off back toward Nibelheim, and FINALLY it seemed the rain had stopped.

"AH! HOME SWEET HOME!", said Cloud as he stepped through the doorway. "Huh?!" Someone else was in his house.

"HEHEH(hic)HEH!", said the man in the dark. He flicked a cigarette out of the shadows and stumbled forward.

"Cid?!", said Laura.

"I hhhope ya' don't mind. . .", he said. "Shhheraaa, threw me out 'cause I keep (hic), gettin' drunk. . ."

"I can see why. . .", said Laura nervously.

"WHATSH WITH YOU THEN HUH?! YA' HAVE SHOMTHING AGAINSHT BEING (hic) DRUNK! I'LL KICK YOUR ASS! COME HERE, &%!", yelled Cid at Laura.

"Eh heheh. . . help. . .", she whimpered.

"Come on Cid, we'll help you sort things out with Shera. . ."

"Sigh. . . Here again. . .", said Rachel, unloading her luggage out on her bed.

"Cheer up.", said Aeris. "We should do something to welcome Lucrecia here, don't you think? And besides, it could be an opportunity for Laura to get to know Lucrecia. The LAST thing we need here is another grudge.", said Aeris, looking at Tifa who was glaring at Rachel angrily.

"Sounds good.", said Rachel. "Mind if we take the car?"

"That's right! You have a Porsche, don't you?"

"Not anymore.", said Rachel, shrugging.

"WHAT?! What happened."

"Traded it in for TWO cars. A brand new red Corvette with a white racing stripe across the hood, and a blue Viper."

"Nice."

"Indeed. I CAN OFFICIALLY DOMINATE THE ROAD!"

"What road?", asked Aeris. "There ARE none."

"Oh yeah. . .", said Rachel gloomily.

"Shera?", said Cloud over the PHS. "Did you kick Cid out? Uh huh, so um, do you think you could let him back in? My house smells strongly of alcohol. NOT UNTIL HE STOPS GETTING DRUNK?! THAT'S LIKE STRAPPING BUTTERFLY WINGS TO AN ELEPHANT AND SHOVING IT OFF A CLIFF SO IT'LL FLY! IMPOSSIBLE! Okay . . . Talk to you later. . ."

"I'm guessing he'll have to cut the booze then, huh?", said Laura.

"Yep. And I want him out of here by tonight.", he said.

"Why?" Laura was poking at the unconscious body of Cid with her staff. "Oh, I get it. . ."

"NO! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!", Cloud shouted.

"Ssssuuuuurrrre it's not. I get it. We ALL know. Except for maybe Aeris. . ."

"Can you keep it a secret?", he pleaded on his knees.

"Fine then, but just because of how generous I am."

"THANK YOU!", he said, bowing.

"Lucrecia, this is where you will be staying.", said Vincent, opening the door to the house next to Tifa's.

"Thank you, Vincent.", she said.

"HIYA NEIGHBOR!", said Rachel, waving as she, Aeris, and Tifa stepped out of their house. "We have something to tell you!"

"Huh? What is it?", asked Lucrecia.

"In order to welcome you and learn more about you, we're inviting you to come out with us!"

"Er, where?"

"Anywhere you want.", said Aeris.

"I know, let's take her to see the electric chair down at the penitentiary.", mumble Laura, walking out of Cloud's house.

"SSHHHH!", hushed Tifa.

"Fine, we'll leave her stranded in the desert around the Gold Saucer."

"SHHH!"

"Okay, I'll come! Is it okay Vincent?"

"Just as long as THAT one stays sane.", said Vincent, pointing to Laura.

"She looks sane enough.", said Lucrecia. "I'll go then!"

"WOOHOO! GIRL'S NIGHT OUT! I'M DRIVING!", shouted Rachel, taking the keys out of her pocket.

"I'LL drive, thank you very much.", said Tifa, taking the keys.

"Darn. . ."

"VINCENT!", shouted Cloud. "I'll need your help with Cid here!"

"Cid?", said Vincent.

"Yeah! He was thrown out by Shera, so we need to get him back!"

"Fine. I KNEW he'd get in trouble one of these days. . ."

"Darn, I was going to invite Shera, but I guess she has her hands full with Cid.", shrugged Rachel.

"No way, she'd enjoy some company after spending her time alone.", said Aeris. "We'll bring her along, too."

"Duh, duh, duuuuuuh! Duh, duh, duhNUUHHHHHH!!", sang Rachel along with the bass guitar on the radio. They drove out of an empty barn in the brand new Corvette, and headed toward Rocket town.

"YES! FREEDOM!", shouted Laura.

"Freedom from what?", yelled Lucrecia over the song that was blaring loudly, scaring miscellaneous monsters away.

"I DON'T KNOW! I JUST THOUGHT I'D SAY THAT!", Laura shouted back.

"WE SHOULD MEET YUFFIE IN ROCKET TOWN, TOO!", yelled Tifa. "SHE'S WAITING AT THE BAR!"

"WOOHOO! BAR!", screamed Rachel, now over the loud purr of the engine. They raced over, across SOME road they didn't know existed, and pulled up in front of the bar.

"Hey guys!", said Shera, sitting next to Yuffie at the bar. "What's up?"

"Who's this?", asked Yuffie, looking at Lucrecia.

"Hi, I'm Lucrecia.", she said.

"HOLY &%! Really?", asked Yuffie.

"Uh yeah. . .", said Rachel. "It's a long story. But Hojo's dead!"

"I thought he WAS dead. I helped kill him.", said Yuffie.

"Um, that's what we ALL thought. But the good news is, that before we killed him, he had a fate WORSE than death."

"What?"

"HE WAS A STOCK BOY!", Laura and Rachel shouted together, trying not to laugh.

"Any good materia on him?", asked Yuffie.

"Only this.", said Rachel, handing her a folded plastic thing. "And it's not even materia. But YOU'LL see what kind of guy he was from it. . ." Yuffie unfolded it, and threw it away in disgust, while some other guys in the bar scrambled for it.

"EEEEW! AN INFLATABLE GIRL!!!??? DISGUSTING!"

"HAHA! WHAT A PERV! I wonder how much money he had to pay for those girl's fawning over him that other time in Costa del Sol.", laughed Rachel.

"Probably enough to put him into debt.", said Tifa, ordering a beer. "That's most likely the reason he was a stock boy."

"Probably.", agreed Laura. "So Lucrecia. . .", she said. "What's it like waking up first thing in the morning, not knowing what's going on and having to live with a middle-aged ex-mad scientist who probably gets horny just by examining female DNA?"

"Huh? Well, first of all, I didn't even think of the fact he DOES get horny by that.", she said. The rest were all chortling over how sad it must have been for him to go throughout his life scaring away all the women in the room. "And well, freaky. His face was really close to mine and his breath smelled like garlic."

"EEEEEW! HOJO BREATH!", said Laura, sticking out her tongue.

"I'd have to agree.", said Aeris, pulling up a bar stool and ordering some sake. "When he put me in that glass chamber, he gave me the choice of being free at the price of giving him a kiss, or sticking me in that glass chamber to be probed. It was an obvious choice."

"Okay Cid. We need to get you thinking straight.", said Cloud. They were sitting in his living room, and he and Vincent were trying to give him a self help seminar.

"I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOUR $&$#! SELF-HELP SHIT! I'M DOING JUST FINE WITH ME AND MY GOOD FRIENDS!"

"And they would be. . .?", asked Vincent.

"Jim Beam, Captain Morgan, Jose Quaribo, and of course, my old buddy, Jack Daniels.", he said with a proud smile.

"Needs more help than I first thought.", said Cloud. "Now, let's see. . .", he said, flipping through a book called, "Self-Help Psychology for Dummies.", with Vincent also peering over, and Cid was flipping through a nudie magazine. "PUT THAT DOWN!"

"Of course. I mean, what's the difference between kissing him and making out with a rabid female squirrel?", asked Tifa.

"About a third of a manliness point, that's what. And that statistic is of COURSE in favor of the squirrel.", cut in Rachel.

"Oh, he wasn't THAT bad.", said Lucrecia.

"Of COURSE not. . .", said Rachel. "He only TRIED and get rid of Vincent, and erase your memory, right?"

"Okay, if we don't do something exciting, I'm out of here.", said Yuffie.

"What do you have in mind?", asked Aeris.

"Look at those guys over there.", she said pointing. Some of them looked back, and a few kept staring at Tifa's chest.

"Grrrr. . ."

"And?", asked Aeris.

"Let's get them to do something. . .", she said with a hint of insanity behind it.

"Nothing happened.", said Cid.

"Come on, so far, you have ignored almost ALL the reasons behind your alcoholism.", said Vincent, while Cloud sneaked a look at the nudie mag.

"So far, it's neither peer pressure, depression, stress, or habit, so there's only one left."

"Oh, and what's THAT?", he said with mock interest.

"A bad childhood."

"HAHA! What a bunch o' lies! What kind of $&#! book is that?!"

"Just answer me.", said Vincent. "Did you have a bad childhood?"

"Of course not!"

"Really? Did you not get hurt, or disappointed, or sad?"

"NO WAY!"

"Cloud!", he whispered, pulling his attention away from the magazine.

"Not now! I'm looking at Miss October!", whispered back Cloud.

"He's not admitting anything!"

"Fine, I'LL do this.", he said.

"Okay Cid.", he said, looking in the book. "According to this, I have to. . . Be nice and give you a hug? Okay, this book IS weird. Cid?" Cid was bawling in tears. "What did I say? I guess he doesn't like hugs. . ."

"DADDY NEVER GAVE ME HUGS!", cried Cid.

"What?!", said Cloud and Vincent together.

"Daddy never gave little Ciddy hugs. . .", he whimpered. "And that's why I drink! To forget about him! DADDY NEVER LOVED LITTLE CID!"

"Whoa! Um. . .Vincent, you have a lot of yaoi stories with him! YOU hug him!", shouted Cloud.

"OH NO! NOT ME!", he said backing up.

"WAH! NOBODY LOVES CID!"

"Thanks boys!", said Aeris, walking away from the table of those men.

"Nice job, Aeris.", said Yuffie to Aeris. As Aeris and Yuffie were sweet talking them, she was stealing all they had.

"Hmm, let's see here. . .", said Rachel. "Aeris hops in their laps and starts talking dirty to them, while Yuffie steals. I can get the Yuffie stealing part, but a naughty Aeris? THAT'S new. . ."

"Come on, lighten up!", said Aeris, taking down more sake. "It's girl's night out! We SUPPOSED to act this way!"

"Yeah, but Tifa hasn't done ANYTHNG. If there was anybody here that I'd expect to talk sexually to a bunch of sad, lonely men, she'd be my first candidate on my list of who'd be the most likely."

"What's THAT supposed to mean?", asked Tifa, getting up from her bar stool.

"Nothing. . ."

"All right! They were loaded! We have 150,097 gil! And 15 materias!" , said Yuffie. "Okay Tifa. Do YOU want to try?"

"You know, that was actually kind of fun.", admitted Aeris. "Although I DO feel bad that we just robbed them. . ."

"If you'll stop, FINE.", said Tifa, walking over to another man at the bar. He looked VERY cute, and she sat next to him.

"Nice night, huh?", she said. He looked over next to him, and saw the impossibly perfect looking woman next to him.

"...", he couldn't say anything.

"So uh, how would you like to uh, maybe buy me a drink?", she said, growing closer to his face and seating a hand on his lap.

"Uh, um. . .", he stuttered. "Sure!"

"She's not bad. . .", said Rachel.

"What's going on?", asked Lucrecia, coming out of the women's bathroom.

"Tifa's trying to play somebody.", said Laura.

"Not that guy!", exclaimed Lucrecia. "I saw his girlfriend in the bathroom! She began bragging about him and how they got over a fight they had, and how everything's better than ever!"

"Why did they fight?"

"He was cheating."

"Then let the match begin. . .", said Laura nervously.

"Hey thanks.", said Tifa as the bartender gave her her drink. She looked at his drink, and being a bartender herself, she took his and began mixing it with hers. "You know, I'm a bartender myself.", she said to the man. "Try this." She bent closer to him, handed him his drink, and he drank it.

"Pretty good."

"It should be.", she said, breathing softly in his ear. "Being a bartender, I know how to. . .mix it up, if you know what I mean." The man was now blushing furiously as her hand moved up his thigh.

"ALL RIGHT! SCORE!", said Yuffie.

"You're more evil than Sephiroth in your mind, aren't you?", said Aeris. "I mean, having us do this to a bunch of men."

"I'm a thief. I have to survive."

"You live as the daughter of the ruler of Wutai. I DON'T think you're poor."

"As if Godo let's me have what I want out of life.", she said. "He's way to restricted. OOH! LOOK AT WHAT THEY'RE DOING NOW!" Tifa and the man were kissing, and before he left his seat, they saw him hand over his number and a little bit of money.

"WOOHOO! Not bad.", called Yuffie. But before Tifa could come back over, the man's girlfriend came over.

Cloud was patting Cid's back, and Cid was weeping over Cloud's shoulder, and Cloud was wondering when he'd stop.

"Uh, Cid? Could you let go please. . .?", asked Cloud.

"Daddy, no. . ."

"Sigh. . . How about this Cid? Lie down here, and you can tell me ALL about your father. Just let go."

"Sniff. . .okay. . ."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY BOYFRIEND!?", asked the woman.

"What do you think?", replied Tifa.

"Hmph, you're nothing but some tramp, aren't you? By the looks of you, you're not even a virgin.", said the man's girlfriend scornfully.

"Oh, I'm sorry, but it was all your daddy's fault!", retorted Tifa smartly.

"OOOH! BURN!", cried Rachel. The woman peered over at her, and then walked over to the rest of them.

"So I see you're all together then, huh?", she said.

"Oh, how brilliant Einstein.", said Yuffie.

"Look, don't mess with them, okay?", said Tifa. "You're here to insult me, right? Not them."

"Oh yeah? I'll mess with whoever I want, okay? Let's take this outside.", said the woman.

"Um, lady, that's not a good idea. . .", said Shera nervously.

"I don't want to fight you.", said Tifa.

"You're just worried you'll lose!", said the woman.

"No, I don't want to murder you.", said Tifa.

"I swear lady, you DON'T want to do that.", said Rachel.

"I see your little gang of sluts here are backing you up, huh?"

"OKAY TIFA, HIT HER! HIT HER NOW! OR MAYBE YOU HOLD HER DOWN AND I'LL HIT HER! LET ME AT HER! COME ON!", screamed Rachel at the woman, ready to kill.

"BACK RACHEL! DOWN!", Laura said, holding her back.

"Okay, I'm sorry I have to do this..", said Tifa

"Bring it!" DOOF! In one swift punch, the woman fell to the floor.

"Sorry lady. . .", said Tifa, bowing.

"And when I was 10, daddy said I wasn't his child just because I didn't make the football team and I really liked science. . .", said Cid. Cloud and Vincent were being bored to death hearing about Cid's childhood. "And I always used to see him drink, so I thought, 'Maybe daddy would love me if I was just like him.' So I began to go down that sad road. . ."

"OKAY CID! WE GET THE POINT! YOUR FATHER WAS REALLY LOUSY! GET OVER IT!", screamed Cloud.

"Cloud, handle it like this.", said Vincent. "Cid, the source of your problem is deep within yourself. But you need to have enough strength to get over this. You don't want to be like your father. Your father apparently sucked. So, don't be like him, and be yourself. He DID love you, but he just couldn't see you as an individual. So be strong, hang tough, and STOP being your father. Okay?", said Vincent.

"How do I NOT be him?", asked Cid.

"First of all, STOP talking about your childhood.", said Cloud.

"Next, stop drinking.", said Vincent. "Got it?"

"O-okay. . .", said Cid. "THANKS YOU GUYS!", he cried, then he gave Vincent a big hug.

"Why does this feel extremely uncomfortable?", said Vincent.

"AW! You look so perfect together!", teased Cloud, almost laughing.

"SHUTUP!"

"I can see why there are so many Cid/Vincent yaoi fics. . ."

"SHUTUP!"

"HAHAHAHAHA- BANG! Vincent shot his gun at him. "OKAY, I GET THE POINT!"

"Good." Cid finally released him, and they sat back down.

"Um, guys?", asked Cid.

"What?"

"Please don't tell the others."

"Oh, we won't. . ." , said Cloud with a smile, holding a tape recorder behind his back.

"Okay, so where do you want to go?", asked Rachel to Lucrecia. They managed to get Tifa drunk enough before they left the bar for Rachel to drive.

"Are you sure I shouldn't drive?", asked Aeris.

"YEP! I'M QUEEN OF THE ROAD!"

"Well then ma' lady," said Laura. "Shouldn't I drive?"

"NO! My car!", said Rachel, hugging the steering wheel.

"How about we just drive for a while?", said Lucrecia.

"DONE!", said Rachel, starting up the car. "I know where we can go if you want to drive. . ." They swerved out of Rocket town, and the men they conned out of their money followed. Ironically, they were a bunch of bikers, called the "Planet's Angels" and when they saw them getting away, they followed.

"Uh guys? Are they the same ones from the bar?", asked Shera.

"Oh, futz.", said Rachel.

"We're gonna get you!", yelled the hairy leader.

"Aeris! Do something!", shouted Rachel. She, Shera, Tifa, and Lucrecia were all back there, sitting above the seats, and moved uneasily during the high speed chase.

"I'M NOT SURE WHAT I CAN DO!", shouted Aeris.

"ANYONE! DO SOMETHING!", yelled Laura.

"I knnnoooow!", said a drunk Tifa.

"What?!" Tifa lifted her shirt and flashed the bikers, and Aeris went along with it and flashed them as well.

"WWOOOOOOOOOO!", yelled the bikers enthusiastically, but their thinking was diverted, so they ran off the road while still looking.

"ARE THEY GONE!?", yelled Rachel.

"I THINK SO!", shouted Laura. "I know my vision is almost, though!"

"WHY?!", asked Rachel.

"Uh, they flashed them!"

"Really?! NICE THINKING TIFA!", shouted Rachel.

"HIC! NOO PROB!"

"Where are we going?", asked Yuffie.

"You'll see!"

"Whoa, look at that!", said Vincent in amazement. Since they were done curing Cid, Cid happened to have brought with him an entire box of porno tapes, and Cloud was staring at the screen.

"Did that.", said Cloud.

"WHOA! WHAT ABOUT THAT POSITION! HOW DO THEY DO THAT!?", Vincent shouted.

"Did that, too.", said Cloud, munching on some popcorn.

"Why are we even watching this?", asked Vincent. "Don't we have anything else to do?"

"Nothing better than watching porno.", said Cloud.

"But then again," said Cid, "What IS better?"

"Dude, you're SICK!", said Vincent.

"Then why are YOU watching?", asked Cloud. "God, I did that, too!"

"Wow, Tifa must be flexible for THAT one.", said Cid.

"JESUS! You're all SICKOS! I'm leaving!", said Vincent, removing himself from the couch.

"Whatever dude. . .", said Cid.

"Are you SURE this is all we can do?", asked Vincent before he left.

"Pretty much, yep."

"GOING!", said Vincent on his way out.

"DID THAT, TOO!", yelled Cloud to the screen.

"We're here!", announced Rachel. It was an empty strip of road.

"Where's here?", asked Aeris.

"Hold on.", said Rachel.

"New challengers, eh?", asked a large man, leaning on a souped up Corvette.

"YEP!", replied Rachel.

"Er, what are we competing about?", asked Lucrecia.

"A 'vette match. In other words, WE'RE GONNA RACE!", said Rachel.

"Um, is that such a good idea?", asked Aeris.

"Why not?"

"Nevermind. . ."

"A STRAIGHT!", said Cloud with a visor over his head, laying out cards.

"ROYAL FLUSH!", said Cid, laying out his cards, raking in the poker chips.

"How about you Vincent?", asked Cloud. Vincent came back after some persuasion that there wouldn't be anymore porn.

"Nothing. . .", he sighed.

"HAH! That's 10,000 gil you owe me now.", said Cid, smoking a cigar.

"Grrr, pass me a beer, will ya'?"

"Get ready!", said the racing judge.

"YEEHAW!", said Rachel.

"GO!" The tires screeched forward, and the man was out in front.

"WWWOOOOHOOOO!", yelled Tifa.

"CALM DOWN!", said Laura. "COME ON! PUNCH IT RACHEL!"

"ARE YOU SURE!?"

"MOVE THIS THING!"

"OKAAAY!" She slammed down on the acceleration, and they jolted forward.

"YEAH! WE'RE MOVIN' NOW!", said Laura, as they came side by side with their opponent. But he STILL move forward, even at 120 mph.

"I know how to move faster!", yelled Lucrecia against the force of the wind against her.

"How?!"

"Everyone! Duck down!" She ducked lower, and so did Aeris, Shera, and Tifa. The car began to accelerate. The force of the wind blowing against them was so strong it was pushing back their faces, and the large, hairy man looked in his rearview mirror, and saw them approaching. He pushed even farther down on the accelerator.

"We won't catch up!", shouted Aeris.

"Oh yeah! This thing was SO expensive, and it's only for one reason!", shouted Rachel.

"It's a Corvette?", guessed Laura.

"Besides that!", yelled Rachel.

"The paint job?", guessed Shera.

"No! I had the guy give this a special engine that could use nitro!"

"NITRO!", they shouted.

"YEP! LET'S GIVE IT A TRY!" Rachel pulled a lever beside the emergency brake, and it activated the nitro.

"WWOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!", Rachel cried maniacally. "We're movin' now, BABY!" She passed the man, and adjusted the rearview mirror with the purple fuzzy dice, and she could see him disappear, and they crossed the finish line.

"Bored, bored, BORED!", said Cloud. Vincent had left to go back to his mansion and perhaps read more about the Jenova project, and Cid was asleep on the couch. "I wonder what the girls are doing. Hmmm. . ." he peered over his seat and saw a bottle of nail polish. He picked it up and wondered, "Why do girls like this stuff? I see them apply it, and they seem almost entertained. Hmmm. . ." He looked around to see if anybody was looking, and he twisted off the top and he began applying the polish.

"YEAH! I WIN!", said Rachel, jumping out of the car. The others were still adjusting to the stop, their hair very windblown, and Laura stepped out with Rachel.

"What do we win?", she asked.

"Bragging rights.", said Rachel.

"THAT'S IT?!", screamed Laura. "I THINK I ALMOST DIE IN A CAR, AND ALL WE GET ARE BRAGGING RIGHTS! JESUS! HOW DID YOU BECOME MY FRIEND IN THE FIRST PLACE?!"

"I pummeled that guy insulting you in the lunch line.", said Rachel.

"We go to an all girls school, genius.", said Laura.

"Well, the girl was so huge you'd THINK it was a guy.", said Rachel.

"Congratulations, you beat me.", said the man.

"Do we win anything?", asked Rachel.

"Yes."

"All right!", thought Laura. "I DIDN'T almost die for nothing!"

"What do we get?", asked Aeris.

"A pine freshener!"

"DIH!", went Laura, collapsing to the ground.

"WOOHOO! PINE! Laura?", said Rachel.

"Are we going anywhere else?", asked Lucrecia.

"It's your decision."

"I'm a little tired now."

"AWWW! But it's only midnight!", said Rachel.

"It's her decision, Rachel.", said Aeris.

"Fine. Let's go."

"Yeah. Anyway, I think it'd probably be best for Tifa, anyway.", said Shera. Tifa was lying unconscious on the hood of the car.

"This is WEIRD.", said Cloud, looking at the bright pink coat of nail polish on his toes.

"CLOUD! WE'RE HOME! Er, nice toes. . .", said Aeris.

"EEP!", he shrieked.

"Er, yeah, what's up with that?", asked Rachel, helping in Tifa.

"Er, um, uh-

"And what's up with the porno tape in the VCR?!", asked Aeris.

"UH!"

"Nevermind. It's late. You were probably bored."

"Um, yeah. . . What about you guys? Did you do anything exciting?"

"Us? Nah, nothing really.", said Rachel. "Oh yeah, and I guess Shera took Cid back, he's not there anymore."

"Wait a second. Shera was never here!", realized Aeris.

"Wait. The where's Cid?" They heard the TV turn back on, and the video began to play again.

"EEEW! GROSS!", shrieked Rachel.

"BLIND!", screamed Aeris.

"CID! THEY'RE BACK!", yelled Cloud.

"Oh. Oops. . ."

"EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"


	14. Chapter 12: A Halloween Horror Story

Chapter 12: A Halloween Horror Story

Note: As usual, permission has been given by LadyTifa26, and all FF7 characters are Squaresoft's. And special thanks to Sephiroth1Ripley8 for the horror movie references! THANK YOU AND ENJOY!

* * *

"Hello, I am your host for this evening. My name is Rachel, and this is Laura.", said Rachel. "If you're wondering where the rest are, they are inside that very mansion."

"Plus, they can't get out!", added Laura.

"Indeed they cannot.", said Rachel grimly. "So, for your Halloween, we bring you the fate of our compatriots."

"Uh, Rachel?"

"Yeah Laura?"

"Aren't WE supposed to be in that mansion as well?"

"Yeah."

"Then why are we out here?"  
"God, woman, I don't know! Come on, let's go back inside." Laura walks back inside, but Rachel hesitates. "Yes, here is our sad and spooky tale of horror and insanity. Enjoy, for it may be our last. BWAHAHAHAHA!", she cackled, as lightning flashed and bats flew out of the mansion.

"YAY! Halloween!", squealed Rachel, hopping about the Shinra mansion, decorating it for the party they were having.

"Why must we have parties HERE?", asked Vincent.

"Well, it's the biggest place we have, AND it's Halloween! This place is perfect for it!", said Rachel happily.

"The decorations are done outside!", said Lucrecia.

"Thanks Lucrecia! Where's Laura?"

"She said something about Vincent's bedroom."

"WHAT!?", cried Vincent. "Not again!"

"Lalalala!", sang Laura, traipsing through Vincent's bed chamber. It was an eerie crypt, with three coffins, bones, and a heap of skulls. But despite the atmosphere, she was very cheerful. "Now, what can I do here. . .?"

"What are you doing here again?", asked Vincent, coming through the door.

"Hi Vinnie!", greeted Laura. "I'm just decorating your room."

"But it's my room woman! My sanctum sanctorum! Is nothing sacred!?"

"Apparently not!", said Laura cheerily as she opened a coffin and found some of his boxers.

"Give me those!", he said, grabbing them.

"Oh Vinnie, why aren't you happy?", asked Laura. "It's Halloween! We get to play pranks on people and get free candy! What's wrong with a holiday like that?!"

"I DO NOT like any holiday where anybody but me enters my room.", said Vincent, putting his boxers back.

"But Vinnie, you shouldn't mind ME in your room! Not if we're getting married. . .", she giggled.

"OH SWEET JESUS, NO!", yelled Vincent. "ANYTHING BUT THAT THOUGHT!"

"Hmmm, I would've thought-

"NO! NO THOUGHTS! GOD IT BURNS!", cried Vincent.

"Come on, let's go.", said Laura, taking him out of the room and back upstairs.

"Hi Laura.", said Cloud, coming in and seeing Laura ushering Vincent down the stairs.

"Hi Cloud!", she said.

"What's up with Vincent?"

"I was talking about getting married to him, then talking about how I should get used to his bed chamber, and well. . .This happened."

"Hmmm, hot sex in a coffin. Sounds good to me.", shrugged Cloud.

"I didn't mean THAT when I was talking about it!", said Laura.

"You didn't?", said Vincent, regaining his eyesight.

"NO!"

"But what did you mean?"

"Well, if we WERE married, we wouldn't live here! I would need to get used to it because we would first of all need to show people through this place so we could sell it."

"Oh yeah? And SUPPOSE we WERE married, where WOULD we live, huh?", he asked.

"Well, if we sold this place, we would move to a big castle next to the ocean where there would be a gentle sea breeze. You would be the prince of the castle, and I would be the fair young maiden, and we would live happily ever after!"

"You've been going over that, haven't you?"

"Many times!", she said.

"Hey, who's coming to the party again?", asked Tifa, poking her head through the doorway.

"Anybody but the Turks and people from Shinra.", said Cloud.

"Okay! Gotcha!"

"What's going on at this party? There better not be any more strippers.", said Vincent.

"Nah, no more strippers.", said Rachel. "Unless Sephy were still here. . . Sigh."

"You're nuts.", said Cloud.

"What?! He may be evil, BUT HE'S MY EVIL LITTLE STUD MUFFIN!", cried Rachel.

"Wait, I thought you liked ME!", said Cloud.

"I do."

"So? Who do you like more?"

"You."

"Him? Why?", asked Vincent.

"Come on! Just look at him! Nice abs and biceps, PLUS he has the bluest eyes I've ever seen! Cloudy, hands down.", said Rachel.

"I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. . .", mumbled Cloud.

"Oh yeah, and I must mention since he's 5'7" and I'm 5'6", he'd be MUCH easier to make out with."

"GOD! DON'T EVEN GO THERE!", cried Cloud.

"HAHA! At least she thinks you're better looking Cloud.", said Vincent. "And besides, SHE doesn't break into your bedroom."

"Oh no. . .heh heh. . .", she laughed nervously, thinking about the time she broke in and took his journal.

"PARTY TIME!", shouted Rachel giddily. There were decorations everywhere, music blaring, and everyone had shown up. It was a costume party, and Tifa was a sorceress with a costume that looked like Sorceress Edea's from FF8, Aeris was a princess, Barret was a commando, Cid was a drunken pirate captain (old habits are hard to break), Yuffie was an assassin (unsurprisingly), Cloud was a knight, Vincent was a vampire (very fitting, eh?), Lucrecia was just normal (not enough time to get a costume), Shera couldn't make it, and Red was wrapped up like a mummy.

"Where's Reeve?", asked Aeris to Rachel, dressed like a punk rocker with a tie, tied across her head.

"Beats me!"

"It's a costume party? Aw, nuts.", he said, stepping into the mansion.

"Hi Reeve! Don't worry, your okay, the costume was optional.", said Rachel.

"Rachel, there's someone on the radio saying something!", said Laura, dressed in a chocobo suit.

"A thunderstorm has been reported in the area! Please stay indoors, until the storm is over. Thank you.", said the reporter.

"We should be fine! We're indoors, right?" A loud crash of thunder was heard outside the window and lightning severed the sky in two, and the lights dimmed and flickered out. "Aw, futz."

"We'll just move to another place.", said Cloud. "I have a generator back at my house."

"But the guy said not to go anywhere.", said Laura.

"It won't be THAT bad.", said Cloud. "Come on, let's go." They all walked to the door, and he opened it. "See? Nothing." He headed out, and stopped. "I'm fine, no prob! GGAGAAAAAAAAK!" Lightning came down, and struck him, and you could see his skeleton. "Uhhhhhh. . .:", he said listlessly. "Lightning doesn't strike twice in the same spot though! AAAAAAAAAAAAGAGAHHHHHHH!" Lightning hit him again, and this time, smoke was coming off of him. "Owww. . ." BOOM! More lightning struck down, hitting a nearby tree. "SEE! IT MISSED THIS TIME! OUCH!" The tree tipped over and fell on him. "I'm okay. . ." By this time, everyone had ran back inside, but Cloud had pulled himself out. "OKAY! NOTHING BAD COULD HAPPEN NOW!" A black, fuzzy rabbit came out from behind the fallen tree, and hopped forward. "Awwww! A bunny!", he said. It's eyes glowed red. "Eeeeep! AARRRRRRGH!" They heard him cry from the inside of the house. The door flew open, and he ran in, the demon rabbit chasing him. "QUICK! CLOSE THE DOOR! IT THIRSTS FOR BLOOD! AHHGH!" He slammed the door. "Okay, no way out. That's not good.", he concluded.

"Yeah, we figured.", said Tifa.

"Well, we'll just have to make due.", said Lucrecia, handing out some candles. "So what will we do?"

"I don't know."

Time passed slowly, the clock on the wall ticking away at the seconds, its clicking echoing through the room. They laid down lethargically, not knowing what to do. Lucrecia however being the smartest one there, was working on how to put the radio back into commission.

"I've got it!", she said. "All I have to do, is find something with enough acidity and. . ."

"And what?", asked Rachel, lying on a couch on her back.

"I can make a battery strong enough to power the radio back up."

"So start!", Rachel urged.

"Okay, I'll be downstairs making it. Just keep yourselves entertained. I should be done soon." She departed for the basement, and Laura stood up.

"Why don't we do something? You know, for entertainment.", she said. "Anybody have a talent they could show off? Anybody? Tifa, what about you?"

"OOH! DO THAT ONE THING! THAT DRAMATIC SCENE YOU CAN DO FROM THAT ONE MOVIE!", said Aeris.

"Do I have to?", asked Tifa.

"YEP!", said Rachel. She pushed Tifa to the center of the room, so she could perform that scene. Aeris however, ran to the kitchen, but nobody really noticed.

"Okay, here goes. . .", suddenly, Tifa noticed something come up behind Cloud, sitting on the couch, and it looked like they had a knife.

"LOOK OUT! LISTEN! HE'S GONNA KILL HIM! YOU GOTTA HELP HIM!", Tifa shrieked.

"Hey, I know this one!", said Laura. "It's 'I Know What You Did Last Summer'!"

"ICE!", shouted Tifa, casting Ice on Cloud's assailant.

"Huh? Aeris?" Cloud looked behind him, and Aeris was holding two things in her hands.

"What's that?"

"Errrrgh. . . Cookies. . .are. . .done!", said Aeris, before collapsing to the ground.

"Sorry Aeris.", apologized Tifa, moving her onto the couch, because she was half frozen. "But how did you make cookies? There's no electricity."

"Ow. . .", said Aeris, rubbing her head. "I used Fire to bake these. Where's the spatula?"

"Oh, THAT'S what looked like a knife.", said Red, picking up the spatula with his mouth.

"Getting paranoid, aren't we?", said Vincent.

"It was an honest mistake!", said Tifa. "You need better lighting in here!"

"As if it would matter.", added Yuffie. "There's no electricity."

"Oh yeah. . ."

"This mansion can play tricks on you.", said Vincent. "Once you get used to it, it's no problem. Just don't lose it."

"Yeah, HOW COULD anybody lose it in here?", said Rachel, looking at a skull on the floor. RING RING! Yuffie's PHS went off.

"Hello?", she asked. A man's voice was talking.

"What's your favorite scary movie?"

"'Scream'.", replied Yuffie.

"Yuffie! Who's that?", asked Barret.

"Some dude asking what my fave scary movie is."

"And you said 'Scream'?", asked Rachel.

"Yeah."

"This night is getting ironic. . ."

"YES! Thank you miss for answering our question on our questionnaire!", said the man's voice. "As a thank you gift, we'll send you any DVD of your choice!"

"WOOHOO! LOTR! LOTR!", said Yuffie, jumping up and down. "Two Towers!"

"Okay! We'll send you those immediately! Thank you, and goodbye!" Yuffie hung up, and the others were just staring at her.

"What?! It was just somebody for a questionnaire. AND I GOT LOTR!"

"Sigh. . .", sighed Rachel. More time passed, and the shadows crept ominously on the walls, lightning flashing through the windows, and everyone was going insane, and not to mention, a little paranoid.

"What's-

"NO! MINE! MY PLUSHIE!", screeched Rachel, cutting off Laura, holding onto her plushie of Cloud.

"Er, I was just asking what time it was."

"Oh. 9:00", said Rachel, looking at her watch.

"I got it!", said Lucrecia over the stair banister. "I have a battery!" She held up a few lemons with gator clips attached to it, and they were also attached to the radio.

"Lemons?", said Cloud curiously.

"Yes. It has enough acidity to act as a battery. What?" She was the smartest one there, and they were all just staring at her. "Er, okay. . . I'm just gonna turn on the radio now. . ." She turned the knob, and a news reporter was on.

"And in the Nibelheim area, the storm is STILL plowing through, but the clouds are also still regathering, so the storm is still benign in that area for a little while longer. Reports till suggest to relocate if necessary. Repeat, relocate if necessary."

"ALL RIGHT!", said Rachel happily. "Let's get out of this bat infested hell hole!"

"HEY! This is MY bat infested hell hole!", said Vincent.

"Yeah whatever. Come on! Let's go!"

"NO!", cried Cloud. "NOT THAT WAY! Oh sweet Jesus. . ." Rachel opened the door, and the demon bunny attacked.  
"GAH! CLOSE THE DOOR! IT IS BLOOD LUSTING!" They all forced the door closed, and Vincent motioned them with his hand.

"Come on. There's a back door." They moved into the backyard, surrounded by a high, pointed gate. "THIS is the backyard."

"OH! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH VINNIE!", squealed Laura, hopping onto him.

"WAUGH! BUT THERE'S NO WAY OUT! Hey, aren't you going to get off of me? I SAID, there is still NO way out!"

"MY VINNIE! NOT LUCRECIA'S! MINE!", she said in a spoiled, childish tone.

"Sigh. . ."

"Why can't we just climb over the %&%#! thing?", asked Cid.

"Even if we COULD, most likely we'd be skewered by those pointed arrow heads on top of them.", said Vincent.

"Fine with me. Come on Laura, give him some breathing space and help me with this fire.", said Rachel. She pulled up some dry logs that sat under a tarp, and Laura gathered stone and created a substantial circle around the logs. "One more thing. . .", said Rachel, pointing her index finger at it. A fireball shot out of it, and lighted the logs. "I love that materia. GATHER THE MARSHMALLOWS!"

"Marthmallowth? Whath marthmallowth?", said Barret, his mouth full of them, his hand buried in the bowl.

"Come ON Barret! I need those!", said Rachel, reaching for the bowl.

"MINE!" Barret began shooting off his gun, until Tifa lowered it.

"Barret, just give up the marshmallows.", said Tifa.

"Fine. . ." They began to sit around the fire, on some other dry logs, and they began to roast the marshmallows.

"Sigh. Too bad there's no electricity.", said Yuffie. "And we're stuck in a place like this. Ironic, isn't it?" The others still looked somberly into the fire. "I just hope that nothing happens to us. But I doubt that anything would happen. We just have to live a while without electricity." Nobody said anything. "What's with them?", thought Yuffie. "They're so quiet! Hmph." She moved to speak again. "I feel so paranoid here. What about you guys?" This time, they nodded slightly.

"I'm sure we'll be fine.", said Aeris. "Nothing like this would ever tear us apart right? I mean, its just some time without electricity. And even though we're in the dark doesn't mean we'll get all edgy. And I'm SURE nobody is plotting against us."

"Yeah, Aeris is right.", said Yuffie. "But what if we DID turn on each other?", she thought. "What would that be like? Hmm, if I found a way out of here and didn't tell anybody though, I COULD steal all of their materia. That settles it! I NEED to find a way out!"

"Wow, I can't believe we're stuck here.", thought Aeris. "I don't mind it much though. And I'm here with Cloud. That's all I need, right? I should be fine. . ."

"Whew, chilly out.", thought Tifa. "Whoa! Look at her, scarfing all of those marshmallows!" She was watching Rachel eat three marshmallows at once. "Soon, I'm gonna NEED electricity. I never realized how much I depended on it. But I can't believe I'm stuck here with Rachel! She'll try and steal Cloud again. . . That's it! I'm going to bring Cloud, and find a way out! And while everyone else is stuck here, we'll be alone! For once! I NEED to find a way out!"

"Stuck here with the loonies, just great.", thought Red. "And nobody is even CLOSE to my species! I can't stay here and keep all this beast-like manliness to myself! But who am I kidding, I AM the beast. That's it, I can't stand it! NO electricity, and I'm stuck ALONE with theses PEOPLE! I'll just leave them here, while I search for an exit. I NEED to find a way out!"

"No electricity and no beer, make Cid go crazy!", Cid thought. "Need beer! Need cigarettes! Need porn! But if I found a way out, I could leave these guys here, take all the beer, cigarettes, and porn they have, and keep it to myself! I wouldn't get yelled at, OR have to share! I NEED to find a way out!"

"Everyone looks so shaken up!", thought Lucrecia. "I hope Vincent is at least okay. He's been so solemn lately. And what's up with Laura? She acts so strange around him. I think she likes him. . . How cute! And they look so cute together!" She had a small smile on her face and almost giggled, looking across the fire at Laura, grasping on to Vincent's arm and he rolled his eyes. "But I like him, too. He's so nice, really. I hope he's not a perv like Cid or Cloud though. Oh well, I just hope we get out soon. We NEED to find a way out!"

"So many meetings! I can't BELIEVE I'm being held up here! It's all HER fault, isn't it!?", thought Reeve. "Wait. If I leave them here, I won't be bothered! Not anymore! Yes, that's it! I leave them here! It's official! I NEED to find a way out!"

"I want some marshmallows.", thought Cloud. "Wow, just look at Rachel eat those though. Why does she even like me, anyway? I mean, besides the obvious? She gets beaten up by Tifa, she keeps my secret from Aeris when she could just sabotage me by telling her, and STILL she keeps it and likes me! How persistent. . . But hey, if I left here with Tifa, I wouldn't be bothered by anybody, now would I? Now THAT'S a plan. WOOHOO! I can picture it now. . . IT'S LIKE A WHOLE MARATHON OF WHAT I DO BEST! And by looking at me, it's OBVIOUS to what I do best. . . Okay! It's settled! I NEED to find a way out!"

"MY marshmallows!", thought Barret. "Grrr, I shoulda never given em' up! But if I left here without them, I could have as many marshmallows as I wanted! NEED MARSHMALLOWS! I NEED to find a way out!"

"Vinnie!", thought Laura, hanging onto his arm, now dressed OUT of the chocobo suit, because she had a change of clothes, just like the others who were now dressed normally. "I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH! But you like Lucrecia. . . I KNOW I'll beat her! I'm SO much better! What does she have that I don't?! Other than a Ph.D. , that's it! Sigh. I hope we get out of here soon. But I'm in no hurry. . ." She leaned on him and closed her eyes. "Vinnie. . ." Soon the heat of the fire carried her out of consciousness, and she fell asleep.

"EEEW! Why is she sleeping on me?!", thought Vincent. "It looks so CUTE though. . . NO! MUST NOT THINK ABOUT THAT! BUT IT'S SO CUTE! CAN'T HELP BUT THINK THAT! AUGH! I'm going insane! I can't stay for much longer! I NEED to find a way out! But she's so cute. . . I MUST be insane if I think she's cute! Wait, did I just say she's cute? I mean, the sleeping on my shoulder is cute! But wait, I can't think that either! MUST NOT THINK IT'S CUTE! NEED GET OUT! NEED ESCAPE! ALONE! TO THINK! AUGH!"

"Mmmm, marshmallows. . .", thought Rachel. "I like doughnuts, too. Don't they make marshmallow filled doughnuts? DOUGHNUTS FROM GOD, I SAY! Man, I reeeeaaally want a doughnut. Oooh! Nice shot of Cloudy at this point. . ." She looked across the bonfire, and saw his face in the radiant glow of the flames. "Mmmm, Cloudy. . . Mmmm, doughnuts. . . THAT'S IT! I KNOW WHAT I ULTIMATELY I WANT! CLOUD AND DOUGHNUTS! WITH MARSHMALLOW FILLING! So that's it! I NEED to find a way out, and only bring HIM! So, now I have him, AND I can find a doughnut shop! Then, I'll have all I want! Cloud plus Doughnuts equals paradise! YES! THE MEANING OF LIFE IS SOLVED!"

"So, how about this?", said Aeris, standing up. "If we find a way out of here, we tell everybody. Okay?" They all looked across the flames, and nodded, keeping their intentions to themselves. "It's settled then." The rain began again, and they all hurried back inside, the fire dying out slowly.

Time passes slowly, their eyes glazing over, the haunting silence echoing throughout their minds and sub-consciousness. Echoing that they must escape the ultimate monotony of what is going on. Going insane.

"JESUS!", thought Tifa. "It's SO boring! And so far, no sign of another way out. At least SHE is knocked out cold." She looked over at Rachel, who was sound asleep on the couch. "Jesus. . . Better keep looking. . ." Cloud was in another room, alone, staring at a blank television screen.

"NEED. . .TV. . .", he thought desperately.

"Hi Cloud.", said Reeve, walking in.

"Oh. Hi Reeve.", said Cloud.

"You know, I realize we all wouldn't be here if Rachel didn't schedule that party."

"Hmmm, I never thought of that. . ." Reeve was about to exit the room, and then hesitated, thinking about his ultimate vengeance, to ensure he wouldn't be bothered anymore.

"Just think about it. I'll see you." Cloud laid down, and thought about it.

"It TRUE. She DID plan this. And even if we lost power over anywhere else, we wouldn't ALL be trapped here." The ticking of a clock, and the dripping of a faucet seemed to clamor in the background as he sat there, bored out of his mind. No electricity. No TV. No air conditioning. Just boredom in the solemn pits of this God forsaken mansion. His mind flooded with all the background noises, just thinking about what Reeve said. He became more irritable with every drop of water that fell, and his eyes became small and bloodshot. He had gone insane.

"Maybe over here. . .", thought Yuffie, pulling apart the bookcases in the basement of the mansion. "Nope, still nothing. . ." She walked back to the laboratory. "EEW! IS THAT A HUMAN HEART!? Oh wait no, just a model. . ." She sat down, with a VERY bored look, and she picked up a vial full of a purple liquid. "What's this?" She just looked at it, and curiously, poured it into the next vial, and it fizzled. "Ooh! Cool! And what about this. . .?"

"NOT THAT!" The sound of Lucrecia's voice startled Yuffie, and she dropped in the next liquid. "NO!" BOOM! It exploded in Yuffie's face, and she cough out a cloud of smoke. "I told you. . ."

"Don't startle me!", said Yuffie, turning around.

"Sorry. . ."

"Sigh. Hey, do you have any idea where there could be another exit?"

"No, I have no idea."

"Darn. WHERE could one be?", said Yuffie, walking over to the bookcases and leaning on it. "Hmmm, if I were a secret passage, where would I hide. . .?"  
"Somewhere secret.", said Lucrecia.

"Well, no DUH! But I mean- WAUGH!" Her fingers slid over a leather bound book, and the bookcase spun and turned, revealing a passageway. "COOLNESS!"

"Rachel?", asked Laura, poking Rachel awake.

"Just five more minutes mommy. . ."

"WAKE UP!" Rachel suddenly snapped awake. "Much better. Now, have you seen Cloud?"

"ALL HER FAULT!", thought Cloud, slipping farther into insanity. "JESUS! SHE MUST BE THE DEVIL'S CHILD! I SWEAR IT! But how do I PROVE she's the devil's child? There must be SOME marking. . . I KNOW!" He looked insanely at his buster sword and fingered it lovingly, the lightning flashing through the window increasing the look of the gaunt shadows on his face. "I KNOW WHERE IT IS!"

"No, I haven't seen him.", said Rachel.

"Oh, of all people, I though y-

"HERE'S JOHNNY!", said Cloud, busting through the door with his sword, a maniacal smile on his features.

"But Cloudy, your name is CLOUD!", said Rachel, having no idea what was going to happen.

"THIS SWORD WILL BE YOUR DOOM!" He rushed toward Rachel, and she had no time to draw her katana, so she could only try and dodge the silver streak that charged toward her head.

"GAH! Cloudy, what's wrong with you?!", said Rachel, clearly worried. "AH!" He tried again, and this time, he clipped of a bit of hair on her nape. "OUCH!"

"THERE! THERE IS THE OMEN!", said Cloud, pointing at the numbers printed on her nape.

"941-267-9431?", said Laura curiously. "Cloud, isn't that your phone number?"

"Huh? Not 666?"

"Yeah, dude. Its' not 'The Omen'.", said Rachel. "And besides, I needed to make sure I always had his number!"

"But on your neck?", asked Laura.

"YEP! I can just look in the mirror, than take a small hand mirror, and I can see it."

"But, I was SURE that she was evil!", said Cloud, breaking out of his insane consciousness.

"Of COURSE not, Cloudy! What do you think I am? A DEMON?!"

"Actually, something like that, sure.", he said.

"Oh. THAT'S NOT VERY NICE!"

"BEER! NEED BEER!", shouted Cid, rummaging through the kitchen fridge. "WAH! I NEED BEER! What's this?" He found a switch in the back. "GLAH!" He flipped it and the fridge door closed, and the back of the fridge had opened up, revealing a chute he was now flying down.

"Heh, heh. Kitty gettin' his lovin'!", thought Red, pretending to be asleep in Aeris' lap, who was gently stroking him behind the ears. They were sitting upstairs, with nothing to do, when Tifa walked in.

"Where's Yuffie?", she asked.

"Lucrecia, come ON!" They were heading down a dark stairwell, and Yuffie was leading the way.

"Where does this lead? Any ideas?", she asked.

"No, do I look li- HEY! EEW! What's this?!", exclaimed Yuffie, picking up a pair of men's briefs off the stone floor. "This isn't CLOUD'S room! Hey, these look familiar. . ."

"You recognize people's underwear? That could say a LOT about your lifestyle.", said Lucrecia.

"GOD, NO!", said Yuffie in disgust. "NO WAY!"

"Who's there?", asked Lucrecia, seeing a shadow move across the ground. "Yuffie?!" Yuffie wasn't there anymore. "EEK!"

"YUFFIE! LUCRECIA! WHERE ARE YOU GUYS?!" The rest of the team had assembled together, searching for them.

"Hey, has anybody seen Cid, either?", asked Barret.

"Now that you mention it, no.", said Tifa, looking around.

"Oh great. MORE people missing.", said Cloud.

"LEMME OUT!", yelled Cid from an iron jail cell.

"You won't be going anywhere. . .", said a sharp female voice.

"I see you caught that one.", said a man, walking up to the woman. He couldn't make out there shapes, due to the darkness of the chamber he was being held in. "I guess I owe you money now."

"WHO ARE YOU!? LET ME OUT OF THIS GODDAMN %&%! CELL!"

"Shut up. Maybe this will keep you quiet. . .", they rolled a beer into his cell.

"YIPPEE! BEER!"

"And the ones YOU caught?", asked the woman.

"Easily enough, they were caught. The ninja girl is catching on though.", said the man.

"And the smart one? You know, the old Turk's girlfriend?"

"She's been subdued, just like the other. She won't be figuring out a way to get out of her cell. Don't worry."

"Good."

"Where are they? Do you think. . . They found a way out and left us here?", asked Laura.

"Nah, Cid's probably drunk somewhere, Yuffie's hunting for materia, and Lucrecia's probably finding a way out of here. And I'm SURE she'd tell us if she found a way.", said Tifa.

"If you say so. . ."

"What's this?" Rachel picked up a green hair wrap off of the stone floor of the basement, where they all were. "This looks like Yuffie's!"

"Yeah, and it looks like it's been burned a little.", said Aeris.

"What so you think happened?"

"I don't know, but we should be careful.", said Red. "Look! Footprints!"

"They lead to the bookcase.", said Cloud.

"A WAY OUT!", said Vincent.

"Aeris, you and Rachel search here. Laura, you can help them, too. Barret, Vincent, and Red, check upstairs. Tifa and I will check all the other rooms in the back. Got it?"

"This sounds like Scooby Doo.", said Rachel. "Fred always decides the group, and he's ALWAYS with Daphne, and we ALL know what THEY are doing. . ."

"Er, GOTTA GO!", said Cloud, grabbing Tifa's wrist and running.

"What? What ARE they doing?", asked Aeris.

"Um, we'll tell you later."

WHUMP! Cloud and Tifa were doing their normal routine, and were headed to Vincent's bedroom. They pushed open the door, and Cloud opened the lid of the coffin.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?", asked Cloud.

"You mean hot sex in a coffin?"

"Yep."

"Thought so." Cloud situated Tifa in there, and he turned to close the door. When he did and turned around, the coffin, along with Tifa, was gone.

"Lalala. . ." Laura was humming cheerfully, examining the bookcase, while Rachel and Aeris were both looking at the singed green hair wrap and the footprints. "So, have you guys found anything?", asked Laura.

"Nada. These prints could have been anybody's, PLUS they might've just needed to get a book of the shelf.", said Aeris.

"Sigh. Oh well. . ."

"GUYS!" Cloud abruptly busted through the door.

"Huh? What?", asked Rachel.

"Tifa's gone!"

"YESSSSSS! I mean. . . uh, oh no! No more concussions and bruises! How sad!", said Rachel, in mock disappointment. Aeris leaned back on the bookcase, and the door revolved and swept her in, like it did to all the others.

"Where did Aeris go?"

Barret, Vincent, and Red, were both walking through the upstairs corridor, carefully and almost silently, and stopped in front of a painting of the former President Shinra. Real eyes peered at them from behind the painting, and when Vincent moved forward, Barret moved forward, but Red noticed it. He looked up, and the eyes were still. Suddenly, Red moved and leaned against the walls, peered even harder at the eyes, and poked them.

"AIEEE! OWCH!" Red panicked, but the painting moved and a hand came out, pulling him in.

"Hey! Did you hear that?", asked Barret.

"Where's Red? Something is DEFINITELY wrong here.", said Vincent.

"Oh, and I see you just noticed.", said Barret.

"Come on. This is the last room.", said Vincent, moving into the room with the safe. They moved inwards, and Vincent examined the furniture, while Barret looked at the safe.

"Now what was that code? Let's see. . .", The safe door was closed, and he entered the code. "10-36-52-97. . ." Click! It swung open. "Hah! My memory isn't as bad as I thought! WHOA!" When he looked inside, the door pushed him in, then swung back out, and Barret wasn't there anymore.

"Barret?! Oh sweet Jesus. . ."

"I know what's going on here.", said Cloud, after Vincent presented his case that Barret and Red were now missing.

"What?", asked Rachel.

"YOU'RE PLAYING TRICKS!"

"Have you capture the next four?", asked that woman to the man again.

"Heh. Of course, I'm not incompetent."

"One would think so. . .", said the woman, smiling as the man got angry.

"What are you doing with us?!", asked Aeris from a cell.

"An employer hired us here.", said the woman. "PLUS, I find it amusing how helpless the woman he liked so much is. . ."

"What? Cloud?"

"EEW! No way! I don't do that sort of stuff. And I hope you don't mind staying in here a little longer. But don't worry, our job is almost done."

"HEY! THE NINJA HAS ESCAPED!", shouted a short, strawberry blond haired man.

"What?! And she knows too much, too! Capture her!"

"I see even YOU are having trouble with them.", said a long haired man.

"I must admit, as PREDICTABLE as they are, they are. . .amusing.", said the woman.

"Hey, what can I do with THIS one!?", asked the other man, with the bandanna, looking into Tifa's cell.

"Hands off lecher!", shouted Tifa. "Huh?! Ugh. . ." She was tranquilized.

"And for you. . .", said the woman, walking into the light in front of Aeris' cell. "He always liked you. Though I NEVER knew why. . .", said the woman, revealing short blond hair. "Tseng always had an interesting taste in women."

"ELENA?! !!!. . ." Aeris was tranquilized as well.

"CAPTURE THE NINJA!"

"Playing tricks?! You think we're PLAYING TRICKS?!", exclaimed Laura.

"It makes sense! With all the others gone, you have us all to yourselves! How sick IS THAT?!", said Cloud.

"Look Cloud. You're hot and all, but don't flatter yourself.", said Rachel. "I DON'T dispose of people FOR ANYBODY!"

"THEN WHY ARE THEY MISSING!?"

"HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW!?" Rachel stormed out of there, apparently frustrated with everything, and Laura ran after.

"Cloud, maybe she DOESN'T have anything to do with this.", said Vincent.

"Uh huh, yeah, and I'm the pink happy queen of pixies.", said Cloud, walking over to the bookcase. "How come I've never seen this book before?" He touched it, and it moved inward, sweeping in both him and Vincent.

"JERK!", shouted Rachel.

"Calm down!"

"Why does he suspect me?!"

"Well, I must admit, his reasoning wasn't surprising."

"Then your with him too?!"

"HEY! Don't get angry at me! Let's go back there, and see if we can't figure this out, okay?"

"Suuuurrre. . .", said Rachel, fingering her summon materia. "We'll reason this out. . ."

"Put it AWAY."

"Sigh. . . fine." Shwup! They heard something fall from the ceiling.

"HEY!"

"GAHK! Yuffie?!" She had fallen from the ceiling, nearly giving them both a cardiac arrest.

"Where are the others?"

"If you mean Vincent and Cloud, they're in there.", said Rachel, pointing.

"They're the only one's left?"

"Why? What's going on?", asked Laura.

"I'll explain when we get there." They walked to the end of the hallway, and opened the door, but there was no sign of them.

"Have you found that girl yet?", asked Elena.

"No ma'am. But we have the other two you requested.", said a young man, that was never there before.

"And who are you? You must be new to the Turks. Welcome.", she said.

"THANK YOU MA'AM!", the man saluted smartly, and walked away. "Heheheh. . .", thought the young man, brushing hair and a bandanna out of her face, for it was really a woman in disguise. "Idiots." It was Tifa in that outfit, and the guard she knock out was now in her cell.

"Interesting looking newcomer, wouldn't you say, Reno?", asked Elena.

"You mean that guard? Yeah. Looks smaller than everyone else, and I could've SWORN he was a woman at first glance."

"Same here. But as for that girl, release our final stage."

"But I thought it was only for that stupid girl and her friend, not the ninja."

"RELEASE IT!"

"Yes ma'am. . .", said Reno with anger, for he HATED taking orders from her, because she was now the head of the Turks. HE pulled a lever and the gate for something monstrous opened, and with a demonic cry it charged out of its cage, and headed for the basement.

"Uh, where are they?", asked Yuffie.

Hmmm, I thought they were here.", said Rachel.

"YOU LEFT THEM ALONE!?", screamed Yuffie.

"Sorry. . ."

"Errrgh. . ." The solid rotation of the wall behind them was heard, and they quickly turned around to see a person in a suit, similar to that of the Turks.

"Woo! I'm back!", said Tifa, taking off the bandanna.

"Tifa?! But, uh, HOW!?", said Rachel.

"No time! They're about to release something on you!"

"What?"

"How should I know?! We have to go!", she said, grabbing her arm. The floor rumbled, and that monster you fight when you get Vincent's key crushed the ceiling above them, and tried to attack. "Barrier!" Before it could attack, Tifa left a barrier for it, and it was destroyed in one blow.

"MOVE!", shouted Yuffie, pushing her way up the stairs. This time, they had no choice but move outside. They scrambled out, with no sign of the rabbit, the tree still fallen, and the storm still raging.

"GRRRAAAAARHH!", shrieked the monster, bursting out of the mansion.

"Holy shit. . .", said Rachel. "WE'RE GONNA DIE!"

"SHUT UP, AND FIGHT THIS THING BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASS! MOVE IT!", shouted Tifa, running up to it and casting poison on it.

"Oh great. Poison. THAT will do A LOT!", shouted Rachel. "Here, THIS is gonna work.", she said, grabbing some excess materia from Yuffie.

"HEY!"

"Look, if you want to LIVE, gimme this!"

"Don't you think we're at a high enough level to take care of this easily?"

"I'M LEVEL 12! SHE'S LEVEL 13!", shouted Rachel, pointing at Laura.

"Oh. Nevermind then."

"OKAY! LET'S SEE WHAT THIS MATERIA IS!", said Rachel, putting it in her katana hilt and assuming the fighting stance. The sword glowed red, and the clopping of hooves were heard. "Oh gravy, I summoned a HORSE."

"HOLD ON!", said Tifa. "LOOK!" Something shot into the sky, and the storm clouds parted, and a transparent lance fell right on top of the monster, knocking it out of commission.

"WOOHOO! I love Odin!", said Rachel, doing a little victory dance.

"Aw crap.", said a voice from behind. The entire group was there, all tied up, and the Turks were there as well. "I see our vengeance hasn't been carried out.", said Elena.

"Vengeance? Wait, this was all YOUR doing?", asked Rachel.

"Well, I was gonna tell you. . .", said Yuffie. "But the monster came before I could tell you."

"Well, you can have your friends back. Reeve is gonna be angry. . ."

"Reeve?"

"Yeah, where WAS he the entire time?", asked Laura.

"I've been thinking.", said Reeve, stepping out amongst them. "You have been a great obstruction in my schedule. NOBODY ever does that. So I got to thinking, "Why should they stay here? They're no great asset to us." So I figured, I should test you. And well, as much as you had almost failed horribly, your still alive, and that still counts."

"Wait. A TEST!?", shouted Tifa. "You do this, for a TEST?!'

"It had to be done. AND it was convenient that the Turks were here."

"You didn't invite us to the party!", said Reno.

"WHAT?! DIH!" They collapsed in exasperation. "WHY?!"

"We ALWAYS get invited to parties! It's what we DO!"

"I thought you stole, kidnapped, and murdered."

"That's only a side job."'

"Oh."

"Here, you can take em' back.", said Rufus, walking toward the tied up group.

"RUFUS! YAY!", squealed Rachel.

"GOTTA GO!"

"Hello there. It is I, Rachel."

"AND ME! LAURA!", shouted Laura happily.

"And that is our Halloween episode!"

"Sorry if it sucked.", said Laura, bowing in apology.

"You can only imagine under what conditions A. Nonymous III esq. Wrote this under."

"Lack of sleep, hormonal stuff, little time. . .", listed Laura.

"SO, we're taking a small break!", said Rachel.

"Well, not really a break.", said Laura.

"Yeah. We're going on intermission, so we're going to give you an episode. . ."

"OF COMPLETE NONSENSE!", they said together.

"I though the weird episode was the LAST one though.", said Laura.

"NOPE! The intermission isn't EXACTLY nonsense. What I mean is, it's not a real episode."

"Huh? That's new."

"Due to the fact the author here-

"I thought YOU wrote this fic. I mean, this IS your world."

"Yeah, I wrote it."

"But you said A. Nonymous III esq. wrote it.

"Yeah. That's my pen name, duh."'

"Oh yeah."

"BACK ON TOPIC!", said Rachel. "The author has been surrounded by Dungeons and Dragons lately, SO there's gonna be an episode about that!"

"YAY! D&D!"

"But just to remind you, it's NOT a real episode. Just something I'm giving you until I'm done resting. I HATE SCHOOL!"

"Don't we all?"

"True. But don't worry, the rest shouldn't take long. The author can barely STAND not typing for a long time. The rest might only be one day without typing."

"SO IT WON'T BE LONG! DON'T WORRY!"

"See ya'!", waved Laura goodbye. "And Rachel, why do you have Rufus and Cloud tied up?"

"Er. . ."

"And you have a bull whip."

"Um. . ."

"IN YOUR ROOM!?"

"It's only temporary!"

"It better be. . ." She left Rachel in her room, and Rachel turned around to face Rufus and Cloud who were tied up and gagged.

"Don't worry.", she said, snapping the bull whip. "I'll give you plenty of exercise. . . IN MY ROOM!", she said with an evil smile, taking pleasure in the extremely distressed look in their eyes.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"


	15. Chapter 13: The Trials and Tribulations ...

Chapter 13: The Trials and Tribulations of Tifa Lockheart

Note: OKAY PEOPLES! I AM BACK! I desperately needed sleep, and during my respite, I learned a very interesting thing: If I have a lot of sleep, I'm a better artist. If I have little sleep, I'm a better writer. And when I try to draw when I'm sleep deprived, I draw girls better, and when I have a lot of sleep, I draw guys better. Weird huh? And if you wish I'll send this to you, because (If ANYBODY is even reading this) I'm working on another Sephiroth pic, because it seems I figured out to draw that way I did the Cloud pic (Upon which I'm sure you've ALL seen.), but not quite as well, but I tried. I now only need to do a macho pose, AND VOILA! ANOTHER MASTERPIECE BORN! Huh? I put the credits here? Oh yeah, that's right. FF7 characters belong to Squaresoft, and Laura has the permission of usage from LadyTifa26. And just a warning : I think this sucks.

* * *

"Now how do I start this. . .?", thought Tifa, sitting at an oaken desk in her bedroom, holding a pen in hand and leaning on her other, looking into an open book. "I've never kept a diary before. . . Well, it's mine, right? I can start it any way I wish. Okay, let's start. I guess maybe I should start writing about my friends first, then move into what's going on. Here we go.", she said, putting her pen down on the first line of the blank notebook.

"Dear diary,

Yeah, I guess this is how it goes. You see, I'm not sure how to start this, and I guess I might as well be candid with it. First of all, I suppose I should introduce you to the people I live with. God, that's gonna be interesting. I'll give it a shot." She sat there, wondering who to talk about first. She laughed silently to herself, listening to the racket below her room, at Rachel starting to curse and kick the broken dishwasher.

"YOU $! DISHWASHER FROM HELL! I SHALL SMIGHT THEE! PERISH!" Then she heard some banging, and the washer actually started up. "HUZZAH! IT WORKED!" BLAM! "COUGH!", Rachel gagged. "Uh, Tifa? Are dishwashers supposed to smoke?" But Tifa didn't respond; she was actually laughing to herself.

"Okay, I guess I'll start with Rachel. Wow, this'll be good. How to describe Rachel. . .?", she thought. She once again put her pen down on the paper.

"Rachel is one of the people who live with me, here at my house in Nibelheim. She's 14, 5' 6", brown hair, brown eyes, and as for her personality. . ."

"DIE EVIL DISHWASHER! FEEL THE FURY OF MY BLADE!", Rachel yelled from below.

". . .is interesting to say in the least. . .", she wrote a little nervously. "From what I'm hearing-

"Oops. WHERE'S THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER IN THIS PLACE?!"

"She has no luck with household appliances. . ."

"GGAAAAAAAH! STOP, DROP, ROLL! STOP, DROP, ROLL!"

"And furthermore, she's my LEAST rival over Cloud. If there's such thing as a love rectangle, she's definitely in."

"SAVE ME CLOUD! SAVE ME FROM THE DEMON DISHWASHER!!"

"Huh?", said Cloud from below, now walking in from the outside to see Rachel wrangling with the dishwasher. "HOLD ON!"

"And I guess I should talk about Cloud then, huh? Okay, well there's not much I can say to describe him. Okay, then I guess I should start by saying he's blonde, blue-eyed, 5' 7", and um-

"I SAID HOLD ON! YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE!"  
"CLOUDY! SAVE ME!"

"He's the other link in the er, love rectangle. Hmmm, normally, he used to not express himself enough with words, but you know, words aren't the only things that tell people what you're thinking. But lately, he's been better about saying how he feels."

"IT BURNS! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO WITH THIS DISHWASHER ANYWAY?!"

"I ONLY SHOT IT UP WITH FIRE!"

"OH SWEET JESUS!"

"And he HAS been more expressive."

"GOD! CAN YOU HEAR ME?! IT'S CLOUD! IT BURNS!"

"AND he's been a little MORE than friendly lately. . .", she said, writing down a little hastily, with a tiny smile on.

"What's goin' on?", asked Aeris, now also walking into the house.

"And then there's Aeris. She's the other part of the love rectangle. She nice and all, and she isn't one to hold a grudge."

"HOLY SHIT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISHWASHER?!"

"And she's my best friend, but I guess it must be weird to say that the one girl that is vying for your love's affection as well is your best friend."

"WHERE'S TIFA?! GOD, HOW DID YOU DO THIS?!"

"Um, I heard the yelling. What's up?", said a solemnly serious voice. Vincent had walked in.

"And Vincent, well, he's a little interesting. . ."

"WHOA! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KITCHEN!? WHY ISN'T IT THERE ANYMORE?!"

"He's black hair, red eyed (always thought it was weird), 6", and just lives here in that old mansion. There's not much to say, I guess. He normally doesn't even talk much, and he's not really involved with that whole 'love rectangle' thing. But he can be nice enough, if not a little quiet."

"AAAAAAGHHHH! IT BURNS! A DISHWASHER IS NOT SUPPOSED TO SPEW FIRE!"

"Errrrr, maybe he HAS been a little outspoken lately. . ."

"GAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Vinnie? Is that YOU? Why are you on the floor, smoldering while everyone is stamping out the fire on your cloak? And what happened to the kitchen? Isn't a wall supposed to be there?", said Laura, now also walking over.

"Okay, and there's Laura.", wrote Tifa. "She likes Vincent. She has brown, mid back length hair, brown eyes, and she's 5' 1". I don't know why she likes Vincent, he doesn't really seem to care at all for her. If anything, I'd bet that he'd sooner get rid of her than anything else. She's a little. . .quirky. . ."

"AAHHHHHG! WHY'D YOU SET ME ON FIRE, JACKASS?!", yelled Laura at Cloud, who could be heard whimpering.

"Huh? What's going on, you guys? Having a barbecue in the kitchen?", asked Lucrecia.

"And of course, the brilliant scientist Lucrecia. We're still trying to get her up to speed, because her memories are partially erased, and she and Vincent had this relationship going on before she disappeared."

"NO! DON'T SMOTHER THE FIRE WITH PAPER!", she yelled at Rachel.

"She's obviously a bit ditzier than we expected, but that's to be expected if her mind was wiped. But she's a major contender for Vincent's affections if Laura still likes him. But that's all the people I live with, so I'll get on with my story. Today was just another usual day, well, at least usual enough with everybody here. . ."

"Sigh. . .", mumbled Tifa, walking down drowsily from the staircase. The rule was, that if you're the first up, you have to make breakfast. And normally being the first one, she was the normal cook. "Okay, what do we have. . .?", she asked herself, peering into the fridge and shuffling some stuff around. Even though she had a thing with Cloud, she blew him off last night; it was one of those times where she didn't wish to be bothered. Everything was going crazy, what with all the strange things going on with the new people in the house. Male stripper cops, booze, spying, the Halloween party, and even their arrival was just too much. And now she had to help house them? Crazy.

"YAWN! HI TIFA!", greeted Rachel cheerfully, jumping down the stairs.

"Mmmmph, hi. . .", she muttered. She was up, but she wasn't awake.

"Wow, you're really cheery this morning.", said Rachel. "COME ON! BE HAPPY!", she said with a huge grin. Tifa couldn't believe that a person could be so happy first thing in the morning. At least not until they've had their coffee. Rachel began setting the table, humming a happy tune. It was 5:30. In the morning.

"How can you be so happy, waking up so early?", asked Tifa.

"SUGAR!", said Rachel, holding up a bag of skittles.

"Why do you have SKITTLES?!"

"YUMMY! But if you don't mind me asking, why are you up so early?"

"Tough night. I don't feel so good. . ."

"AW! TELL ME ABOUT IT!", said Rachel, bouncing about, still happy, then going over to Tifa.

"I don't feel like it. . ."

"You NEVER tell me anything! Why not!?"

"In case you haven't noticed, I like Cloud, too. And you like him also. Get it?"

"NOPE! TELL ME!"

"FINE. . .", she grumbled, turning on the stove. "Cloud's being weird. Something about you tying him up and approaching him with a bullwhip?"  
"Oh, heheheheh. . .", laughed Rachel nervously. "Nothing. . . Is that all?"

"Of course not. I wouldn't be like this if that were the only thing. First of all, somebody's been going chocobo tipping. . .", said Tifa. Rachel had a nervous grin on. "Next, somebody is blocking the barn door with their CORVETTE. . ." Rachel began sweating. "Then, somebody graffiti's the barn door with 'Tifa sucks', on the side. Any idea who it was?"

"Hehehehehheh. . . Of course not Tifa! Does it look like I would?"

"Yeah."

"AND WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! I DID IT!? OH YEAH, LIKE I WOULD GO CHOCOBO TIPPING AND PARK MY CORVETTE OUT THERE, AND PAINT 'TIFA SUCKS' WITH A 2" HORSEHAIR BRUSH AND SPRAYPAINT!", yelled Rachel.

"How did you know it was 2"? And how would you know? I found it on the barn door, LONG after you fell asleep."

"Uh, I don't know!"

"SUUUURE ya' don't. . .", she said menacingly, strapping on her gloves.

"EEEP!"

"Here you go.", interrupted Cloud by opening the door with Laura being grasped by the collar of her shirt. "You can have her." He pushed her through the door, taking Tifa's mind off what she was doing, much to Rachel's relief.

"What'd she do now?", asked Tifa.

"She was hunting down Vincent and Lucrecia. I TOLD you Laura, Lucrecia is asleep."

"YEAH! WITH MY VINNIE!", shouted Laura.

"In her HOUSE."

"Then why wasn't she there? Huh? HUH?! CAN YOU TELL ME WHY, SPIKE BUTT!?!"

"First of all, DON'T CALL ME THAT! Next of all, I can assure you she's NOT over at Vincent's at 6:00 in the morning, doing who knows what."

"EXACTLY! WHO KNOWS WHAT BRAINWASHING TECHNIQUES SHE'S PERFORMING ON VINNIE! I MUST SAVE HIM! I'M COMING VINNIE!" She began stomping out the door, but Cloud stuck his arm back out and grabbed her collar again.

"I don't think so.", he said. "Tifa, could you take care of her?"

"Why can't you? Cloud?" He was already running away. Far, FAR away. "Darn it. Oh well, that means BOTH of you are doing the dishes. And when Cloud comes back, tell me. He's gonna have HELL to pay!", she said, smacking her fists together.

"Uh, heheheh. . .", laughed Rachel nervously. "Don't bother her.", she whispered to Laura. "She was about to kill me until you came in."

"And I don't think she's about to stop."

"Huh? GAH! NOOOOOOOO. . .!", screamed Rachel in terror, as Tifa dragged Rachel out the door, still in their pajamas, and Tifa left Rachel in the barn with a shovel.

"As your punishment, THIS is your job." She pointed to a pile of chocobo dookie.

"EWW!"

"And Choco had Gyasahl greens last night, and YOU KNOW how gassy it makes her."

"NOOOOOOOO. . .!", moaned Rachel, left to sulk in the barn.

"SHUT IT OFF!" Tifa was broken out of her concentration of writing in her diary, to the sounds of agony coming from the downstairs. "GAAAAAAH!!!" She shrugged however, figuring they would figure it out themselves, and she continued to write.

"Okay! Breakfast Aeris!", said Tifa, removing the covers off of Aeris, who shivered from the sudden cold. She merely ignored Tifa, and stuffed the pillow over her face. "Ignoring me, huh? Not a good choice. . . WAKE UP!" Being as strong as she is, she lifted up the right side of the mattress and rolled Aeris off her bed.

"Okay, okay, I get the point Tifa.", grumbled Aeris, rubbing her eyes.

"Sleeping till 10:00 is not good.", said Tifa. "You'll never get any work done!"

"Work, work, work. That's practically all I EVER see you do. Train and work. How DULL is your life?"

"Oh, it can be pretty good at times. . .", said Tifa, thinking about Cloud.

"What's THAT supposed to mean?"

"NOTHING!", Tifa said nervously. "So move it! Get dressed! Eat breakfast! Mao diddy mao! Diddy mao!", she urged.

Upon arriving downstairs, she saw Rachel loading some dishes into the dishwasher.

"I wouldn't suggest doing that.", said Tifa. "It's broken."

"Are you sure? I'm positive that if I kick it-

"NO! Now sit down, we're eating. Where's Laura?"

"FIXED! The water line was cut off, and I replaced it!", said Laura, coming out of the basement, looking a little dirty with a wrench in her hand.

"LET'S TRY IT!", said Rachel, activating it. "AAAAAHHHHH!" Fire started spewing out of it. "I THINK YOU HOOKED IT UP TO THE GAS AND HEATING LINE!" Tifa ran over, closed the door, and shut it off, looking thoroughly pissed off.

"WHY YOU-

"TIFA! Calm down!", said Aeris, coming down the stairs. "Cool it. It's fine! They tried to fix it! Give them another chance! I mean, at least they cared enough to try and fix it, right?"

"I'm running OUT of second chances, and third chances and FOURTH chances. . .", mumbled Tifa, slowly walking away. "But remember, DO NOT, turn it back on, all right?"

"I won't forget!", said Rachel.

Cloud eventually came back (And received his just desserts, Tifa made sure of it.), Vincent came over, then Lucrecia came.

"YOU!", said Laura, quickly striding up to Lucrecia. "WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH VINNIE!?"  
"Uh, what? Vincent? I was doing something with him?", asked Lucrecia confusedly.

"DON'T PLAY INNOCENT WITH ME! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING YOU MAN STEALING LITTLE HARLOT!"

"GET BACK!", said Tifa, pulling Laura back. "Keep calm! She wasn't doing ANYTHING with Vincent! OKAY?!" Laura turned around and pointed a finger at Lucrecia.

"IF YOU DO ANYTHING, I'LL KNOW! I SWEAR I WILL! I WILL BE WATCHING YOU! I- GAK!" Tifa quickly took out a piko mallet and swung deftly at Laura, who slammed to the floor, unconscious.

"GOD! I NEVER thought she'd stop!", said Tifa. "Bacon anyone?" Everyone was looking at her due to the sudden outburst and act of random violence, but what can I say, they love bacon.

"OOH! BACON! I'M IN!", said Vincent gladly. "Er um, I mean, yes I suppose I'll partake in the sharing of this meal and its bacon, thank you.", he said again, in his more refined tone.

"So Tifa, what's the itinerary for today?", asked Lucrecia.

"Nothing much. But it's THAT time of year again. . ."

"Oh sweet Jesus! Not THAT!", shouted Cloud, despite his mouthful of bacon.

"What?", asked Rachel.

"Have you ever wondered what our REAL jobs are?", asked Tifa.

"You fight monsters and save the world. What's to know?"

"First of all, that's not all we do. We actually WORK for a source of income. Slaying monsters do not pay all the bills. Only the cable bill."

"So what do you actually DO?"

"Well, Cloud and I normally participate in chocobo races, rodeos, and sometimes tournaments at the Gold Saucer.", she said. "But that's not all. We also do some odd jobs, sometimes I'm an instructor at a martial arts school, and Cloud is sometimes a teaching assistant at a school."

"Him? A teacher?"

"Yeah, believe it or not. He can teach about materia and stuff. Oh, and Vincent sometimes works as a hired gun. But we don't normally do this stuff."

"Why not? Sounds interesting.", said Lucrecia.

"Paperwork." She pulled out a HUGE pile of papers, for resumes and stuff like that. "Look like fun now?"

"Good point.", said Rachel.

"Hmmmm, okay, let's see here. . .", said Tifa, writing down some stuff for a job. She was filling out a resume, and was filling in all the questions. "Name: Tifa Lockheart. Age: 20. Sex : often. . ."

"HI TIFA!", said Rachel happily, finished cleaning up in the stables, but her outburst hadn't broken Tifa's concentration.

"Birth date: May 3. Blood type: B. Current living location: Nibelheim. Previous occupation(s): Bar hostess, heroine, and savior of the planet. . ."

"Hello? Tifa?", asked Rachel, wondering why she wasn't paying attention. "TIFA!"

"Huh, what, what?" She was just broken out of it. "Oh good, it's you. Look, I need you to help out around here, so I need you to get a job. Fill out this form."

"A job? OOOH! CAN I BE A TURK?!", asked Rachel.

"No."

"Darn. . . AVALANCHE?"

"Definitely NOT."

"Sigh. . . SOLDIER?"

"NO! Fill it out already." Rachel took a seat, and began answering the questions.

"Name: Rachel Distler. Age:14. Sex: Yes please. . ." Cloud walked in, and before he could sneak past Tifa, she shoved paperwork into his arms.

"Awww!" He sat down next to Tifa. "Name: Cloud Strife. Age: 21. Sex: Right now? Birth date: August 19. Blood type: AB. Current living location: Nibelheim. Previous occupation(s): SOLDIER first class-

"Cloud, you weren't really a SOLDIER, remember?", asked Rachel.

"Right. . . Shinra soldier, main hero, mercenary. . ."

Lucrecia, Vincent, and Laura, holding onto him of course, walked in to get their papers. They all sat down once they received them.

"Name: Vincent Valentine. Age: 28 (turned that last month). Sex: My coffin, or yours? Birth date: October 13. Blood type: A. Current living location: Nibelheim. Previous occupation(s): Turk, hero, and all around gunslinger. . ."

"Name: Kaiulani Cruz (Nickname: Laura. How they got Laura from Kaiulani, because nobody pronounces it right). Age:17. Sex: With Vinnie? Of course! Birth date: September 15. Blood type: O. Current living location: Nibelheim. Previous occupation(s): Occupation? Does that mean what I've occupied? Well then, a car seat, a theater seat, a classroom chair, a bus seat, a bleachers seat, a toilet seat. . ."

"Name: Lucrecia (My last name? Don't remember. . .) Age: 25. Sex: I don't remember what that means. . . huh? Oh, female. Birth date: What do you know, I don't remember that either! Blood type: Nope, don't remember. Current living location: OH! I KNOW THIS ONE! NIBELHEIM! Previous occupation(s): Esteemed scientist, mother of Sephiroth but don't quite remember him. . ."

"What's going on?" Aeris finally came down from the upstairs.

"Paperwork.", said Tifa, getting up from her seat because she was finished, and the others were finishing up, too.

"Sigh. . .okay. . ." She sat down, took a pen, and started writing. "Name: Aeris Gainsborough. Age: 22. Sex: With me? Um, I don't know. . . Birth date: February 7. Blood type: O. Current living location: Nibelheim. Previous occupation(s): Flower merchant, heroine (or damsel in distress, take your pick) , and does Cetra count?. . ."

"And I STILL have paperwork. . .", wrote down Tifa in her diary. The screams from below were almost unbearable. So she finally stood up, and walked downstairs, to see her kitchen missing a wall, will burned marks everywhere, they were all panicking, and the dishwasher was still spewing fire. "Don't you know anything?!" She put on her gloves, and raise her right hand, and cast Ice3 on the dishwasher, and everything was out.

"Oh. Never thought of that. . .", said Rachel. THWACK! She received a punch to the nose.

"THINK NEXT TIME!", yelled Tifa. "And the rest of you, fix this!" She pointed to the burned ruins of her kitchen. She stomped back up the stairs, and sat back down.

"Okay, diary, I'm back. They burned down my kitchen. . . THAT'S gonna raise the insurance premiums. . . Anyway, back to my story. So I walk to the stables. . ."

"Okay, Choco, are you ready to go?", Tifa asked, as she walked in.

"AWWWW! WHO'S A GOOD BOY?! WHO'S A GOOD BOY?! YES, YOU!" Rachel was talking in baby talk to Nightwind, her favorite black chocobo, and he was getting patted on the head. She turned and saw Tifa saddling up Choco. "And where are YOU going?"

"To turn in some of these resumes.", said Tifa. "See you in a while, and PLEASE remember, NOT to turn on the dishwasher."

"I won't, I won't. . ."

"Won't what?"

"Remember."

"Sigh. Just don't turn it on. I'll be back in time for dinner."

"But I can't cook! I can only bake stuff!", said Rachel.

"Then bake something, I'm too busy right now." She departed, riding toward Wutai, to the martial arts dojo there. Choco sped over the water, (Wonder how they do that. . .?) to the feudal village, and walked in.

"Hi Godo!" He was the master of the dojo, and would normally hire around this time of year.

"I see you have a resume.", he said with a smile. "But you realize you didn't need to do that. I already know who you are."

"Yeah, but it's more formal this way. Where's Yuffie?"

"On the top floor of the pagoda, WHERE SHE BELONGS!"

"HI TIFA!" Yuffie dropped down from above.

"YUFFIE! WHY ARE YOU HERE!?"

"To help run the dojo, of course. Remember, it was your idea that if I wanted to get out, it should be for something helpful?"

"She's got you there, Godo.", said Tifa.

"Right. . . Here, I'll introduce you to your students. . ." Godo and Yuffie, who were already in the martial arts school's uniform, handed her one, and walked to the do jang to introduce her.

"STUDENTS!", bellowed Godo. They snapped to attention, and ran in to their lines by rank, standing up straight. "This is your new teacher! Introduce yourself.", he instructed Tifa.

"Er, okay. Um, hi, I'm Tifa, and I'm going to be your new instructor." They all were still silent and straight. "Wow Godo, you have a lot of morale here. . ."

"Yes, they listen to me, UNLIKE a certain daughter of mine. . ."

"WHAT?! I haven't' done ANYTHING! At least not yet!"

"Dismissed!", commanded Godo, and the students and all three of them bowed, including Tifa, and when she bowed, she could tell that many of the male students were peering down her shirt.

"Grrr. . .", she grumbled. She took in what she saw from the students, who were now training outside, and they were sparring in a ring. There were two skilled fighters in there, and she watched in amusement, until Yuffie walked up.

"Want to get in there? I know how much you like to train. . .", she said.

"Are you sure? I don't want anybody to get hurt."

"They'll be fine! Some of them were trained PERSONALLY by me! See that one over there?" She pointed to the one that was ducking a blow. "That one is my best student. I'll introduce you to him. HEY! SHIRO!" The young man with black hair gave a time out signal, and walked over to the ring ropes.

"Yes Miss Kisaragi?", he asked.

"This is Tifa. Mind if she spars you?"

"I dunno. . .", he said with a grin. "Is she any good?"

"Better than me. Remember, I train students in weapons classes, while Tifa here will be taking care of the hand-to-hand unit."

"Why not, I'd like some sport.", he said.

"Okay Tifa, you have an opponent! Are you gonna wear that, fighting in front of a bunch of guys?" She pointed at Tifa, who was of course wearing her small white shirt and black miniskirt.

"What? I'm perfectly comfortable fighting in this!" Yuffie then pointed to the bunch of young men staring intently at her chest. "On second thought, I'll put on the uniform. . ." She returned, wearing the uniform and a black, which nobody took any notice to see the seven stripes on, signifying she was a seventh degree black belt, meaning she was a grand master. She took off her boots, walking into the ring with her bare feet, took the materia off her gloves, made sure they were on correctly, and took her stance.

"No helmet?", asked Yuffie. "Or mouth guard even?"

"Don't need one.", said Tifa with a dignified smile.

"Don't need one either.", said Shiro, finishing up with taping up his knuckles, to give the same impact that Tifa would with her gloves. "Ready?"

"As I'll ever be.", Tifa replied. Yuffie walked in to the middle, between the fighters, and pulled out a fan, and held it in between them. "Standard rules. Stick to your own style of combat, just no foul play. Only clean fighting, got it? GO!"

She removed the fan between them, and they both circled the ring, glaring into each others' eyes. Cherry blossom petals blew off the trees and swirled in between them, and in a flurry of them, Shiro was gone. Tifa already knew where he was; right behind her.

She spun around, and blocked the kick that was aimed for her face.

"But how? That was a new move!", he said, beginning to understand his adversary's skills.

"Your right leg hesitated, and I already knew you were going to go somewhere.", she said. She punched, and he blocked too, but due to the force of it, he might as well of just stood there.

"GAAAH!", he yelled. "And as for knowing I'd be behind you?!"

"Oldest trick in the BOOK!" She hurled another blow, at full force, but this time, it only grazed his shoulder, but it still hurt, because it was so hard, it tore his sleeve.

"Ooooooh!", said the crowd in unison.

"I'm not done yet!" He sidestepped, and let a flurry of kicks hit her, and she could only X-block it.

"AAAAHHHH!" His kicks eventually hit past her arms, and struck her face, giving her a bleeding lip.

"Not bad. . .", she said, wiping off a little blood. "But I've trained under Master Zangan and. . ." She slipped behind him in a sidestep too fast to notice. "I WON'T LOSE THAT EASILY!" She took his arm, twisted it, hitched it over her shoulder, and flung him across the ring. His body made an audible "THUD!" on the mat, and he tried to stand up. Tifa allowed him to do so, giving him leniency, and he grasped his left arm in pain, but still had a smile on.

"It's been a while since I've had a challenge. . .", he said. "This'll be fun."

"Yuffie! What's going on?", asked Godo, running up to her.

"Just watch!", she said with great enthusiasm.

"I wonder what Tifa's doing. I NEVER get to leave this place. . .", moaned Rachel. "Oh well, I'm sure she's just as bored and tired as I am.

"AAAAHHH!" Tifa was hit square in the jaw with his back fist.

"Don't take me lightly! I may be only 16, but it doesn't make you any better! GYAAAH!" He started another flurry, but this time it was in punches to her gut. He moved quickly; she couldn't react. And she sat weakly on the ground, and he stood up tall, with a smug grin, while the crowd cheered wildly, "SHIRO! SHIRO! SHIRO!"

"SHIRO! SPECIAL MOVE!", cheered one of the girls in the crowd.

"YOU GOT IT!" He picked up Tifa by the scruff of her collar, her lip still bleeding, and he began punching her, then actually picked her up and hurled her. "Ready to give up now?", he asked. "Admit it, girls can't fight!" She leered up at him, with angry sparks in her eyes, her gaze like daggers.

"I'VE GONE TOO LIGHTLY, AND YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!", she yelled. "I DIDN'T WANT TO KILL ANYBODY, BUT NOW IT'S PERSONAL! LIMIT!"

"Oooooh Crap-OLA!", said Yuffie. "And too bad for him, limit breaks aren't against the rules! MEDIC!"

"Huh?" She immediately stood up in her stance, and charged.

"BEAT RUSH!"

A hard shower of punches pelted him, and limit after limit, hitting all of them, from Dolphin kick, to Meteodrive, and STILL even to Final Heaven, she hit him with all she had in her. And when the dust settled from the ring, and all fell silent, a figure stood in the center, breathing heavily. "Whoops. I think I went too hard. I tore a sleeve. . .", said Tifa, the figure in the ring.

"LOOK AT HIM!", pointed one of the students. He sat in a bloody heap on the ground, and he was hit so hard, his shirt was torn off.

"Tifa, are you sure you didn't go too hard on him?", asked Yuffie, while the medics put him on the stretcher.

"You heard what he said Yuffie!", said Tifa. "I can't STAND men like that!"

"I know, and I took offense too, but still, you broke twenty of his bones, three of his ribs, and gave him a concussion that's going to lead to delirium! AND YOU EVEN TORE YOUR OWN SLEEVE JUST PUNCHING HIM!"

"Sorry. . . Do you think Godo's gonna hire me now?", asked Tifa.

"I doubt it. . ."

"Well, there's still one thing I need to tell you, Yuffie."

"What?"

"I could have already told he's your student."

"And how?"

"He's fast, and he insults too much. So much like you."

Tifa walked up nervously to Godo, figuring she had already lost the job.

"Sorry, Godo. . ." He looked down on her, with a look of anger.

"HIRED!", he said with a big grin.

"WHAT?!"

"That boy needed a lesson.", he said. "ESPECIALLY if he had any influence from my daughter here."

"HEY!", yelled Yuffie.

Tifa had left, the other students made sure they crowded out of her way, and she rode back to Nibelheim.

"ANYBODY-!" She was cut off. Rachel was cooking. Actually COOKING.

"HI TIFA!", greeted Laura, helping her.

"Um, I wasn't serious when you said you had to cook.", said Tifa with a sweat mark.

"Wait, WHAT?!", shouted Rachel. "I LEARN HOW TO COOK PROPERLY, AND YOU AREN'T SERIOUS!"

"Just get the dishes done.", said Tifa, walking up the stairs.

"HEY!", called Rachel after her. Tifa paused from ascending the staircase. "Look.", she said, pointing to her mouth, "If you don't want this to happen to your face, LAY OFF!"

"Okay, okay, JESUS!"

"And DO NOT USE THE DISHWASHER!"

"I GOT IT!"

Tifa was finishing up her diary entry, and signed it in a fanciful signature, and sighed happily, that she got her thoughts out before she could head to bed. She closed it, and lock it, and before she could stand up, Cloud opened her door.

"Er, sorry the kitchen burned down.", he apologized. She only mumbled angrily in reply. "Um, and that a wall is missing." She growled again. "And it was partially my fault everybody has third degree burns and I don't." She shot him an angry look over her shoulder, but he really didn't notice. She was getting really put off today, and this wasn't helping. "But maybe I can help you ease your temper. . .heheh. . ." He was about to grab her bum, but her hand flew back and grabbed his wrist.

"NOT NOW!", she yelled.

"Aw, but I know girls aren't as good at fighting as men are!", he said. Her anger flared up again, and she held his wrist more tightly, until the color was drained out of it. "Was it something I said? AAAAHHHHHH!" She became so angry, she flung him out the window.

"Good night, Cloud Strife.", she said, turning off her lamp, and moving under her covers.

"O-owwwwwww. . ."

* * *

A/N: HIYA PEOPLES! Yes, this is I, the great and godly A. Nonymous III esq. here. Sorry, it took so long to post; I haven't had a very open week. And if this wasn't as funny as you'd hoped, I have been reading a lot of serious fics, as well as having to write poems for a project at school. I've also had time though to practice drawing, and I have a new one again of Vincent. I might send it out to you, I don't know. I just don't think it's up to par. . . But anyhoo, I suppose it's pointless to say, I am STILL (and will be always) accepting more resumes, and I am now writing another story! An original, not a fic, but I DO have another fic idea. Wow, this A/N is getting LOOONG! UPDATE COMING AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! Oh, and before I go, I STRESS I have permission from everybody I mentioned for the resume filling out part of the fic; I don't want this taken off for more infringements! SAYONARA!


	16. Chapter 14: Boot Camp

Chapter 14: Boot Camp p.1

Note: Okay, first of all, I credit the idea for this chapter to my good friend Lincy. Next, all FF7 characters belong to Squaresoft. Third, the permission to use Laura as a character comes from LadyTifa36. I guess that all sums it up and, yeah, that's all.

* * *

"Okay!", said Tifa, pushing open the door.

"What? Dinner?", asked a starving Rachel.

"NOPE! I have the responses back from all the employers you and Laura gave your resumes to."

"AND?!", asked Laura, hopping out of her seat.

"Hmmmm, YES!", said Tifa, flipping through them, then putting them on the table.

"And? AND?!", asked Laura.

"Just like I thought!"

"WOOHOO! I'M GONNA BE A TURK!", shouted Rachel, beginning to do a dance.

"No, you didn't get hired from ANY of them.", said Tifa.

"WHAT?! FROM ALL 50?!", screeched Laura.

"Apparently not, no.", said Tifa, in a dull tone. "But Cloud and I have decided on something."

"To use condoms?", asked Rachel.

"NO!", barked Tifa, hitting Rachel upside the head.

"OW! Then what?"

"BOOT CAMP?!", yelled Rachel and Laura together.

"It's a disciplinary action.", said Tifa.

"Isn't Aeris our disciplinarian?", asked Laura.

"Yes, but we removed her for a while so we could do this." Tifa handed Rachel a paper.

"Gone to Costa del Sol to relax.", read Rachel from the note. "Make sure Tifa isn't too hard on you. I KNOW she's gonna be pushy, so as long as she

's not: enforcing harsh drug laws that pertain to regular over the counter drugs, having sex with Cloud, feeding you to the chocobos, having sex with Cloud, giving you to Lucrecia for strange experiments, or having sex with Cloud, there's nothing wrong. Did I mention having sex with Cloud? Because if she IS, TELL ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

Sincerely,

Aeris"

"She never said anything about sending you to boot camp.", said Tifa.

"And both of you are going, and we might stop off there.", said Cloud.

"But BOOT CAMP?!", shouted Laura. "I'm not made for BOOT CAMP!"

"Work through the pain!", said Tifa. "You're leaving tomorrow."

"NO!", cried Laura, being pulled by her ankles out the door of Cloud's house. "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!", she cried.

"Move.", said Vincent, putting a gun to Rachel's back, her arms tied, out of Tifa's house.

"Thanks for the assistance, Vincent.", thanked Tifa.

"Right. . ." It looked as though there was something heavy on his mind. "But did you really have to send them? I mean, not boot camp. . ."

"It'll be fine Vincent, it won't be long.", said Tifa.

"Huh?", thought Rachel. "Vincent wants us here?"

"UP!", ordered Tifa. Rachel climbed on top of Nightwind, and Cloud heaved Laura on Nat, throwing her suitcases with her.

"GIDDYAP!", shouted Cloud, slapping his hand on the chocobos' backs, and they rode into the distance, both of them screaming bloody murder.

"Okay Vince, time to go.", said Cloud.

"If you wish. . ."

"OKAY LADIES! WELCOME TO BOOT CAMP!", shouted a man with a scar on his face with an eyepatch.

"Um, dude, we ARE ladies. . .", said Rachel meekly, standing in the middle of a line next to Laura, who was between guys.

"WHEN YOU ADDRESS ME, YOU ARE TO CALL ME SIR!", bellowed the man. "IS THAT CLEAR, PRIVATE?!"

"Private?", asked Rachel.

"THAT'S RIGHT! YOU ARE MY PRIVATE!"

"I should think not, dude.", said Rachel. "I have my own, and I'm sure yours is still there too, unless you yelled so hard it shot off."

"THAT'S IT! YOU HAVE MESS DUTY!", yelled the drill sergeant .

"Hee, mess doodie. . .", laughed Rachel.

"ARE YOU STUPID?!", asked the sergeant. "HAVE YOU BEEN DROPPED ON THE HEAD AS A CHILD?!"

"Well, actually-

"SHUT UP! YOU HAVE MESS DUTY AFTER YOU ARE DISMISSED! IS THAT CLEAR?!"

"Clear as your breath is poisonous, sir.", said Rachel.

"GRRRRR. . .", he growled. "HERE ARE YOUR SUPERIORS! THIS IS LIEUTENANT FALLOWS!! SHE WILL BE GOING THROUGH YOUR DAILY EXERCISES, UNTIL YOU ARE GIVEN TO ME, DRILL SERGEANT PETERSON! THIS IS SERGEANT FRANKERT! HE WILL BE ATTENDING TO THE WAR GAMES! AND THIS. . ." A man with black hair stepped out. "IS LIEUTENANT VALENTINE! HE WILL BE GOING OVER SHOOTING DRILLS!" Rachel's eyebrows rose.

"No wonder. . .", she thought.

"THIS IS LIEUTENANT STRIFE!" Cloud stepped out, with a shaky smile, and Vincent smiled vengefully. "HE WILL INSTUCT YOU IN THE USE OF BAYONETS! AND THIS IS MAJOR LOCKHEART!" Tifa stepped out, the uniform tight around her. The male student's eyes grew wide, and all leaned to get a look.

"Damn big-breasted genetics. . .", thought Tifa. "At least my rank is higher. . ."

"SHE WILL BE YOUR HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT INSTRUCTOR! WHILE YOU ARE HERE, YOU ARE TO ANSWER RESPECTFULLY TO ALL YOUR SUPERIORS, AND FOLLOW THEIR INSTRUCTIONS! ALL RULE BREAKERS ARE TO REPORT TO MISS LOCKHEART'S OFFICE IMMEDIATELY! AND YOU . .", he said, shoving his face in front of Rachel's. "are to report there, NOW. . ."

Rachel was directed to a bunker, with the Shinra flag out front, and she stepped in nervously.

"Hello. . .?"

"Hi Rachel. . .", said someone, turning around in their chair. Tifa was of course sitting their with a stern look on her face. "I'm sure you're wondering why we're here."

"No, actually-

"Vincent made us. This is his job. Okay?! No more wondering, no more questions, just follow orders and you will be fine. He made us feel guilty, and anyway, this job pays more. Okay?"

"But-

"Fine, you don't have mess duty."

"BUT-

"What is it?"

"WHERE IS THE BATHROOM! I'VE NEEDED TO GO SINCE FOREVER!", gasped Rachel against the pressure of holding it in.

"Oh. One bunker down." Rachel saluted, and then ran out the door.

"PRIVATE CRUZ!", shouted drill sergeant Peterson.

"Er, yes sir?", Laura responded, a little scared.

"YOU'RE IN 'D' BUNKER! YOU'RE FRIEND IS IN 'C' BUNKER!"

"Yes sir!", she replied smartly. She received her uniform, and hurried off to the bunker with a larger letter "D" on the door. She opened it, and saw other recruits there, mainly men, but with some girls, and took her bunk above another girl's.

"Hi.", introduced the girl. "My name is Jessie. What brings you here?"

"A disciplinary action.", said Laura.

"Same. Stole a chocobo.", she said. "You?"

"Um, I don't actually know. I was sent here mainly by Tifa."

"Tifa?"

"Er, Major Lockheart."

"WHOA! You know the major?!"

"Yeah, but I don't think she likes me much."

"Ah, crap. I thought this way I could get on her good side and go home early. But did you see the shooting drill instructor? HOT!"

"I'm his next door neighbor. . ."

"LUCKY!"

"I don't know girls. . .", said a tough looking blond from the next bunk over. "I like the bayonet instructor."

"Yeah, my friend in the other bunker likes him, too. I live with him."

"DO YOU KNOW EVERYONE?!", asked Jessie.

"Well, almost. . ."

"She lives next to Lieutenant Valentine.", said Jessie to the blond girl.

"God! You must be in serious trouble if you know them and were sent here. Who's your friend anyway?"

"The other brown-haired one that got Sergeant Peterson all angry."

"Oh yeah, her. The strange one. . ."

"SUIT UP!", yelled Peterson. "HERE IS THE BUNKER LEADER, MAJOR LOCKHEART! SALUTE!" She strode down the aisle of bunk beds, doing the traditional examination, and turned around.

"Okay Sergeant Peterson, they look good to go. Dismissed!" She and the sergeant saluted, and he left. "Okay, I am the head of this bunker. We are to train together, sometimes associating with other groups, and in the end, we will use our skill in the war games. Change into your uniforms, and report to the mess hall." She walked to the exit, and stopped when she reached Laura. "And Private Cruz, tell me when you see Private Distler. Got it?"

"Got it!", she said, saluting. Tifa walked out, and Laura looked at her uniform. It looked familiar. "What's this?" She looked more closely, and identified it as a Shinra soldier uniform. "Eeee. . ." She put it on however, and decided it actually looked pretty good, and headed over to the mess hall with Jessie and the blond girl, who's name was Shannon.

"Ahhh. . .", said Rachel, walking out of the bathroom. She saw Laura heading to the mess hall in their uniform, and ran to her. "What's up?"

"Head to your bunker, I think Tifa wants to speak with you."

"Er, okay. . ." Rachel ran over, and changed, and began to run out, when she stopped when someone else tried to enter. "GAH! CLOUDY!", she squealed, tackling him.

"AAAHHHH! GET OFF! I'M YOUR SUPERIOR!"

"Well, I don't know Cloudy. . .", said Rachel with a smile. "With a little practice, I could be superior. . .if you know what I mean. . ."

"EW! NO!", he said, covering his eyes. "I'm in charge of this bunker."

"That's not ALL you're-

"STOP! No more sexual innuendoes! Got it?"

"Fine. . . Nice uniform." She saw him in his previous Shinra uniform.

"I can't stand it. . . Looks good on you though."

"YAY! CLOUDY LOVES ME!"

"STOP!" She was about to tackle him again. "CALM DOWN! I COULD REPORT YOU TO TIFA!" Rachel quickly backed away, with a look of fear on her face.

"CRAP! TIFA!" She plowed through the door, knocking Cloud over, hoping she wasn't dead for forgetting Tifa needed to speak with her.

"Where IS she?", thought Tifa, scouting around.

"Aaaaaaaahhhh. . ." She heard a faint yelling in the distance.

"What the-?"

"AAAAAAAHHHHH. . ." It was growing louder.

"Where is it-?"

"AAAAAHHHHHH!"

"Huh? AGH!" Rachel was running and yelling from behind her, and in her hurry, didn't see she was about to knock Tifa over.

"Oooowwww. . .", said Rachel, rubbing her head. "Er, sorry Tifa. . ."

"What where you're going!", said Tifa. "I see you have your uniform."

"Yeah, these things are more comfortable than they look.", said Rachel.

"But that's beside the point. I needed to speak with you, regarding war games."

"War games? Like Battleship?"

"NO!"

"Risk?"

"NO!"

"Stratego?"

"Sigh. . .", said Tifa, massaging her temples. "No. War games are when we practice what we've learned in simulated combat against each other. And you should know Laura is on my team."

"Huh? But we're always on the same team!"

"I thought you might behave a little better without her."

"Why?" Tifa thought about it awhile, and came to the conclusion that it IS weird, considering Rachel tends to be more wild than Laura, who was more of the drama queen.

"Er. . .", said Tifa, not being able to come up with a good answer.

"Well?"

"Uh, that's not the point! Anyway, I thought you should know, AND. . ."

"What?"

"HANDS OFF CLOUD!"

"Yes madam buttsavage. . .", mumbled Rachel, beginning to walk away. She left and went to the mess hall, and sat next to Laura.

"Hey Rachel!", she greeted. "This is Jessie, and here is Shannon."

"Yo.", one said, the other waved.

"You PO'ed the sergeant, right? His face was beet red. . .", said Jessie. "Yeah, pretty good. . .", said Shannon. "What are you in for?"

"Same as Laura. Except its probably more serious."

"More serious than getting in bad with the major?"

"Much worse. Not only does she scorn my very existence, but it's just because she thinks I'm trying to steal her boyfriend. . ."

"Oooh, who's that?", asked Jessie.

"Cloud.", said Laura. They still had no idea who that was.

"She means Lieutenant Strife. Yeah, try dealing with THAT, AND having to live with Major Lockheart. . ."

"Ouch. You live with her?", asked Shannon.

"Yeah."

"MOVE IT, PRIVATE!", yelled Sergeant Peterson in Rachel's ear, causing her to jump out of her seat.

"What for?"

"WE SIT IN OUR BUNKER TEAMS! YOU ARE TEAM 'C', WHEREAS YOUR FRIEND HERE IS TEAM 'D'!"  
"Woo! Take a breath mint, will ya' fella? I'm going, I'm going. . ." Rachel walked miserably to the team "C" table, and Vincent walked up to a platform with a microphone, and many audible sighs were heard from the girls, and he just peered around, looking as though that had never happened before.

"Er, yeah. . . Okay, I'm just here for the announcements.", he said. "We are supposed to get ready to leave in about ten minutes, and for all who are new, welcome to boot camp, where you'll be staying for two weeks. Exercises start in the morning, and on our last few days, we will be starting the war games. That is all."

"Hi, I'm John.", introduced the dark-haired boy next to Rachel.

"Er, hi, I'm Rachel.", she said. "I guess we're on the same team, huh?"

"If not, I wouldn't be here.", he said. "These are the guys.", he said showing her to some normal and perhaps even nerdy looking guys.

"I'm guessing-

"Yeah, we're nerds.", he said. "Nerd and proud!"

"I can relate somehow.", said Rachel.

"COOL! GIRL NERD!", said John. The others began to chant, "One of us! One of us!"

"I'm guessing you don't talk to girls often. . .", said Rachel nervously.

"Nah, not us. We're all here for sending computer viruses."

"HEY! THEN WERE YOU THE ONE WHO SENT OUT THE VIRUS THAT CRASHED MY COMPUTER?!"

"No, that was Steve.", he said, pointing to a scrawny kid with acne. "Back down though. While he was here, he's already been beaten up by 2 guys, and 15 girls."

"15 girls?"

"Yeah. He hit on one and they all ganged up."

"Ouch." Something hit Rachel in the back of her head, and saw a bunch of guys who looked like jocks. "Jocks?"

"Yeah.", said John. "Ridiculing us ever since we got here." Rachel, having a taste for revenge, reached over a John's plate, took a spoonful of Jello, and flung it at the head jock, who turned around and scowled, and walked over, and shoved the plate on Rachel's lap. Her face grew dark, and her hand reached for her katana, which she brought everywhere, until John shot some butter at him.

"FOOD FIGHT!", someone yelled. Food was hurtling through the air, and bits of everything were everywhere, and she and John ducked under the table.

"Nice goin'.", said John.

"Hey, YOU were the one you flung something back.", said Rachel.

"YOU WERE GOING TO KILL HIM!"

"As if! I may not like jocks or preps, but I don't randomly KILL people."

"OKAY! CUT IT OUT!", screamed a familiar voice. The table flipped over, and Sergeant Peterson's face was glaring down at them.

"Hi, sir. . .", laughed Rachel nervously.

"Rachel. . .", said Tifa in her office, putting Rachel's record on her desk. "Why?"

"They were making fun of me and John.", she said.

"You should have TOLD somebody.", said Tifa. "I'm afraid I need to issue you and John a punishment. John is on mess hall duty, and you are on patrol. Got it?"

"Yeah. . .", Rachel mumbled.

"You both start now. Dismissed." Rachel saluted back, and so did John, and Rachel left for her post. It was getting dark out, and Rachel was standing at a guard post, high atop a tower.

"Why do they need a guard for a camp?", asked Rachel to herself. "Huh? What's that?" She spied something moving across the ground, and nobody was supposed to be out at this hour. She peered closer, and saw somebody run into Cloud's personal cabin. "NO! CLOUDY! I WILL SAVE YOU!", thought Rachel urgently. She practically jumped down from the tower, and ran towards his cabin. When she got there, she stood outside his door, and she heard noises, some of them sounding painful. She took out her katana, and proceeded with caution in twisting the door knob. Big mistake.

"EEEEEEEEKK!", she heard a woman shriek.

"OH SWEET JESUS!", cried Rachel, shielding her eyes. John was doon from his mess hall duty, and heard girls screaming. He ran quickly, and saw Rachel running from a cabin.

"What wrong?!", he asked.

"I'm now mentally scarred for the rest of my LIFE. . .", said Rachel, rubbing her eyes.

"What'd you see?"

"I am NOT telling you. The image still burns. . ."

"Come on, let's go for a walk. . .", he said.

"You guys SUCK. . .", said Laura with a smile, raking in poker chips, sitting with her friends and a few guys, playing strip poker around a table. A guy was sitting there, wearing nothing, with absolutely NO chips left. Laura however, was only missing her socks, her Shinra helmet, and the top part of her shirt.

"Excuse ME, we don't cheat. . .", said the guy.

"You're just a sore loser.", she said, grinning. "And um, somebody hand his boxers back. I don't think we want to see your little friend anymore." Somebody handed his boxers back, suppressing a laugh.

"Well, since I win. . .", said Laura, "What are we going to do now?"

"I know, get our clothes back. . .", said another cute guy, who was completely naked and snatching his pants back from Shannon, who barely had anything taken off of her.

"Can I PLEASE have my pants back?", asked Vincent from the other side of the table. It turns out the girls were better at poker, and the guys sucked, and they all didn't have anything on.

"I don't know. . .", said Jessie, with a smile growing larger. "You look pretty good just like that. . ."

"DEAR GODS! Just give them back!", said Vincent. He received his pants, and reclothed himself. "Just as soon as I think I can win, they see through my poker face. . ."

"Are you okay now?", asked John.

"I'm fine.", said Rachel. They were walking along the edge of camp, which was beside a forest, and they were sitting in a tree.

"Good. What was it?"

"Did you ever. . . no, nevermind. . ."

"What?"

"Well. . ." Rachel leaned over and whispered in his ear what she saw.

"DEAR SWEET JESUS!", he said in disgust. "I'm surprised you're not blind. . ."

"Me, too. That's not the first time either. . ."

"EEW!"

"I know. . . Thanks for going for a walk with me."

"No prob. Not everyday I get to talk to a girl who doesn't make fun of me, has her boyfriend beat me up, or knows how to play Dungeons and Dragons. The life of a nerd. . ."

"I don't know why you should be considered a nerd. I mean, you look pretty normal, and there's nothing wrong with playing D&D. . ."

"Exactly.", he said. "I hate people who judge you before they know you, you know what I mean?"

"I know EXACTLY.", said Rachel. "Hey, since you look enough unlike a nerd, I mean, at least NOW in your uniform, how do they know you're a nerd?"

"They can smell you out, I swear." Rachel laughed. He smiled back.

"So, you play RPGs?", asked Rachel.

"No, I LIVE THEM!", he said.

"Okay, that's a bit strange to say, but I relate.", said Rachel. "How about Golden Sun?"

"One of the gifts of the gods.", he said.

"Final Fantasy 7?"

"Never heard of it." She remembered she was in the FF7 world, and sighed, realizing that quite possibly, he may not even be real.

"Yeah, sorry, I guess not many people know of it. . .", said Rachel. "Um but uh. . ."

"What?"

"How do I get down from this tree?"

"Oh. I forgot. . ."

"WE'RE STUCK?!", yelled Rachel.

"Quiet! I'll figure it out. . .", he said.

"Grrr, you better. . ."

An hour had passed, and they were still up in the tree.

"Great, I'm going to die cold, hungry and thirsty.", said Rachel, shivering from the cold.

"At least you're not going to die alone.", he said. Rachel didn't find this amusing.

"Sigh. . . Hey if you're cold, move closer.", he said.

"Forget it.", said Rachel, a little annoyed.

"Fine then, I will." He scooted nearer, but Rachel moved farther apart. "Great.", he thought. "I'm cold, and as soon as I find a girl who has something in common, she hates me because we're stuck in a stupid tree."

"Great, I'm stuck in a tree.", thought Rachel. "AND IT'S FREEZING! I can't feel my butt! And Tifa's still with Cloud! CRAPOLA!"

"Okay, here's the plan.", said John.

"And that is?"

"Follow my lead." He had really no plan on how to get out, and he looked down, getting a little acrophobic, closed his eyes, and just jumped. "AAHHH!"

"Uh, John?"

"Is anything broken?"

"You're fine." He opened his eyes, and looked up at Rachel, the where he was standing.

"I'M ALIVE! HUZZAH!"

"And how do I get down?", she called from fifteen feet up.

"Um. . . THINK OF SOMETHING DARING!", he thought to himself. "IT'S AN ACTUAL GIRL TALKING TO YOU!" He looked back up. "I'LL CATCH YOU!", he yelled. "OH MY GOD! DID I JUST SAY THAT?!", he thought urgently, not recognizing the words coming out of his mouth.

"Okay, if you want. . ." He braced, and Rachel jumped, and well, he HALF caught her, so she wouldn't be hurt, and he would still have his arms.

"Good catch!", she actually said happily.

"Er, thanks. . . !!!" She kissed him, and began running off and waving, while he stood there with his mouth gaping open.

"WHOA! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?! I'm not complaining though. . .", he thought. He began doing a dance. "YES! I'M NOT HOPELESS! I GOT A KISS! AND I'M NOT A SAD, MIDDLE AGED MAN EITHER!"

"Okay guys, fork over the money. . .", said Laura, past another round of strip poker. They all grumbled, and forked over the cash. "Ha ha!" They all heard footsteps, and ran for their bunks, flicking off the lights, and somebody walked in.

"Hmmm. . ." It was just Tifa, making sure all of them were asleep, but noticed a pair of feet sticking out from underneath Laura's bed.

"Out!", she ordered. It was Vincent, and not being from this bunker, AND completely naked from that last round, she heard a sigh, and a VERY indignant Vincent came out, and took his clothes off a chair, leaving Tifa with a shocked expression, as she looked at his state while he walked out, and looking at Laura, wonder why he was naked under her bed, and tried to block out all possible thoughts, tried to ignore it, and walked out.

A bugle cut through the morning silence, and activity began to bustle.

"WAKE UP!", yelled Cloud in Rachel's ear. She snored on. DOINK! Cloud was forced to stab her with his sword.

"OUCH! I'M UP ALREADY!", she screamed in pain.

"ALL RIGHT, LITTLE GIRLS!", shouted the sergeant. "DRILL TIME!"

"No breakfast?', asked Rachel.

"BREAKFAST IS FOR THE WEAK! BREAKFAST IS AFTER DRILLS! NOW ALL OF YOU PACIFIER SUCKIN' WUSSIES DROP AND GIVE ME 50! HUP, TWO, THREE, FOUR! HUP, TWO, THREE, FOUR!" They all completed them, in a matter of fifteen minutes because of how harsh it was, and he stood aside to reveal a woman standing behind him.

"THIS IS LIEUTENANT FALLOWS! SHE IS HERE TO GIVE YOU DRILLS THAT WILL AID YOU IN THE WAR GAMES!"

"Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am here to give you your drills. First, are the marching exercises. Now, LINE UP!" The all moved into a line. "NOW HUP HUP!" She began the march, and everyone followed.

"And hook your leg like this.", said Tifa, showing her team how to trip over the opponent. "It is very handy in close combat. Now partner up, and try this technique." Laura paired up with Jessie, and all of a sudden, Jessie hooked her leg, knocking in Laura's knee joint, and causing her to collapse.

"Very good!", said Tifa. "Now Private Cruz, it is your turn." Laura hooked her leg, and did the same. "Good! Now. . ." More time had passed, and Tifa had taught them all the basic moves. "Okay, now that you know the moves, before we move on to sparring, we are going to gauge your power. Private Cruz, you're first." Laura moved up to the front, and stood in front of a dummy. "Now, when you punch it, it should move. Go." She punched, but it didn't budge. "Again." She tried it again, and still no results. She tried over and over again, but nothing. "Sigh. . . Here, this always works. . .", said Tifa, glueing something on to the dummy. All of a sudden, Laura's eyes glowed red a little, her muscles tensed, and her leg shifted back, while her arm hurtled forward, whistling through the air, and the shock of the force and the excess energy incinerated the bag.

"TAKE THAT!", she said, yelling at it. The other students looked around, and wondered what had caused that. As Laura walked away, the picture of Lucrecia kissing Vincent fell to the ground.

"COUGH! GASP! WHEEZE!", sputtered Rachel, on the ground, resting from the exercise.

"OKAY! WE ARE JOINING TEAM 'D' FOR THE REST OF OUR EXERCISES! HUSTLE!" Rachel stood up wearily, and ran over to the group, who were watching the sparring match between Cloud and Tifa, which was just supposed to be an example for the students. Cloud still had his sword, because the lesson was on disarming.

"AND. . .! TWIST!", said Tifa, quickly grabbing Cloud's arm before he could pull away from a vertical chop, and she took the pressure point on his wrist, twisted his arm, squeezed, and he dropped his sword. "And there is a disarming technique. Try it."

"Hey Laura.", said Rachel. "Wanna try it?"

"I have no choice. . .", she said.

"No, I think I'll try sparring Private Distler myself. . .", said Tifa.

"WHAT?! DO I HAVE INSURANCE EVEN?!", yelled Rachel.

"NOPE! Come on!", said Tifa, grabbing Rachel's arm, who was practically crying.

"AGGHH! WHY ME?!"

"Well, ONE, you left your post, and TWO. . . I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO TALK ABOUT THAT ONE IN PUBLIC!"

"YEAH! GO RACHEL!", cheered John. Rachel looked over her shoulder, and saw John waving.

"I hope he doesn't get clingy. . .", thought Rachel.

"What do you prefer to use, your hands, or you sword?", asked Tifa. Rachel saw Cloud mouth "sword" to her, but she already knew he wanted her to show off the new moves he had been teaching her, so she took the sheath and removed it from her belt, and took her stance.

"Hands.", said Rachel. She took a similar stance of Tifa's, and Vincent was the referee.

"OKAY! READY?! GO!"

"GAK!" Rachel was already blocking punches, and it felt her bones were about to snap under the force of them.

"You can quit at any time, I just hope you know that.", said Tifa.

"Thanks, but I don't think you needed to tell me that!", said Rachel, taking her arm, and while Tifa thought she was going to do a flip, Rachel duck under, knelt on her left knee, and performed a sweep with her right, tripping Tifa.

"Hey! I'm not too bad! ARGH!" Tifa practically flipped up, and kicked Rachel in the stomach. "Ow. . ."

"Don't get cocky!"

"NEITHER SHOULD YOU!" Rachel used a crescent kick, and whacked Tifa in the face.

"YOU JUST DID!" Tifa lashed back, and gutted Rachel with a fist to the stomach, and then elbowed her in the back.

"MEDIC!"

* * *

A/N: Sorry folks, it was supposed to be MUCH shorter than this, so I was forced to do another split chapter. SORRY! I just don't have much time either. I'm contemplating doing a web comic of Alternate Earth, I'm writing an original story about my D&D character, upon which if you read intermission, you should know who she is, but this id a MUCH more serious one. Plus, I'm doing a bit of freelance art right now, then there's more I still have left, then my free time (which is now like, cut greatly in half), and school, and homework . . . AND I'M STILL ONLY A FRESHMAN! WAH! I HAVE TOO MUCH TO DO! Let's recap, shall we? Web comic, freelance art, free time, writing this, writing my original fic, school, and let's not forget my shower, eating, and sleeping. So yeah, it was necessary for another split episode, but the war games are in the next one, so I'll be back with another chapter!


	17. Chapter 14 p2: Let the War Games Begin

Chapter 14 p.2: War Games

A/N: I HAAAATE NOOOOOTES! ....:Anywaaaay....the drill applies here. Squaresoft owns FF7. LadyTifa26 owns Laura. Others own random other characters, blah, blah blah...

* * *

Rachel was on the ground, bleeding from Tifa's last blow.

"Ready to give up?", asked Tifa. Rachel looked back up at her, and before Tifa could do anything else, Rachel had tripped her foot, and caught Tifa while falling in a headlock.

"Shouldn't I be asking that?", said Rachel. Tifa just smirked in the spirit of healthy competition, and reached up and grabbed Rachel's head, and flipped her back on the ground.

"No, I'm pretty sure it's my line."

"WOOHOO!", shouted Cloud. "CATFIGHT!" Vincent just shot him a weird look. "Well WHAT?! You would love to see them mud wrestle, too." Vincent just continued to look.

"Perv. . .", he muttered, shaking his head.

"Owie. . .", mumbled Rachel. "Why did you choose to fight?", she asked.

"Thought we could get all aggressions out this way.", replied Tifa.

"BUT I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST YOU! YOU WERE COOL IN THE GAME!", yelled Rachel.

"Game?", asked Tifa.

"When you were saving the world with Cloud. You were one of the coolest characters in the game! And now you're like, entirely different! Maybe you were better, BEFORE Cloud knew how you felt!"

"Oh. GAME?!" Tifa never got past that part.

"Nevermind. . ."

"Okay. . .", said Tifa.

"GAHK!" Rachel never removed herself from the mat, and Tifa's foot came down on her throat.

"NOW, do you care to give up?"

"UNCLE! UNCLE! GAH!" Tifa finally let up.

"And that was all you had to do.", she said.

Rachel spent the rest of the day recuperating in the medical ward, before she was released to accomplish the rest of her training. Today was firing and accuracy with Lieutenant Valentine.

Fun.

"Here, you will learn how to fire you M-16's.", said Vincent, pacing up and down the line of gunmen. "Now, you have your targets. I've already taught you how to load, and when I say fire, fire at will!"

A man ran out of line screaming bloody murder.

"Who was that?", asked Vincent. Laura piped up.

"Um, that was Will, sir.", said Laura, the others were laughing.

"Sigh. . . Continue without him. NOW FIRE!" Rachel began fumbling with her gun, because her thumb slipped and her bullets were falling out. She reloaded them quickly, and in a hurry put her finger up to the trigger, and her finger slipped again, and fired the gun.

"OH, FFUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!!!!!!!" A string of profanities unattainable by even a sailor, or even Cid, came out of Vincent's mouth. Rachel shot him in the butt.

"WHAT WERE YOU DOING, PRIVATE?!", screamed Sergeant Peterson, his eyes bulging out of his sockets.

"Well, first of all sir, when you say, 'doing', and 'private' altogether in the same sentence, it brings horrible things to mind.", said Rachel. "And next of all, I was reloading my gun."

"WELL, MS. I'M SO SMART,YOU WERE TO FIRE AT THE DESIGNATED TARGET! THE LAST TIME I CHECKED, LIEUTENANT VALENTINE DID NOT HAVE A TARGET, STRAPPED TO HIS ASS!", shouted the sergeant.

"You were checking out his ass? Tells a LOT about your "private" life, dude.", said Rachel. The sergeants skull looked like it was about to split.

"YOU ARE SO-!!!!" He was cut off, and he grasped his left arm in pain, and fell to the ground.

"See what happens if you don't chill?! YOU DIE! Now where's that medic. . .?"

After fetching the medic, who was consequently laughing because he knew this day would come, Rachel was sent to be back with her own unit, with Cloud teaching his bayonet class.

"Arm your guns like this!", said Cloud, attaching his bayonet. "And. . ." He did his signature twirl.

"Cool!", said Rachel, while trying to attach hers. She was trying, but it wouldn't fit. She eventually grew so angry at it, she was banging it on the ground, and bent it.

"GIVE ME THAT!", said Cloud, taking it out of her hands. He was able to attach it, and twirled it. "See, it's not that-!" During his twirl, because the bayonet was bent, it cut across his pants, and they fell to his ankles, and he turned a very deep red.

"Oops. . ." Girls in the line began whooping like crazy, and a few jumped for his pants.

"RACHEL!!"

Her week went along much like this, getting chewed out by most of her instructors while Laura did just fine, until one morning, they were called to meet by a podium on top of a dais. Sergeant Frankert strode up to it, wearing a steel helmet and heavy leather boots, with the Shinra flag in the background, giving out a speech.

"It is that time in your training, where you are to go out, and test your abilities. To survive. To give it all you got. And to show the world, you aren't an overall ninny. IT'S TIME FOR THE WAR GAMES!", he shouted. "THE OBJECTIVE IS TO COOPERATE WITH YOUR TEAMMATES, AND BE THE LAST ONES TO SURVIVE, ALL WHILE TRYING TO DESTROY THE OTHER TEAM! HEAD IN TO YOUR RESPECTIVE GROUPS, AND FALL IN! TEAM A IS LIEUTENANT VALENTINE! TEAM B IS MY GROUP! TEAM C IS UNDER LIEUTENANT STRIFE! AND TEAM D IS UNDER MAJOR LOCKHEART! IS THAT CLEAR!?"

"YES SIR!", shouted everyone. Rachel wasn't listening and yawned widely, when everybody turned around.

"What?"

"MOVE OUT!", yelled Sergeant Frankert. Everybody ran to their designated transport vehicles, and they rode to the site of the war games.

"WOOHOO! War games!", shouted Rachel with a big smile. "All we have to do is bump off all the others, right?"

"That's exactly it.", said Cloud. "And since you are all under my jurisdiction, AND since my group wins every year, WE WILL BE WORKING HARD!" An audible sigh was heard, and they all stopped with a jolt. The door opened, and they were at their command post, which was only a cabin, big enough for one person, because it was filled with radio equipment.

"This is the commander's cabin.", said Cloud. "Which means, STAY OUT! All the rest of you, pitch your tents!"

"Tent? That's what this is?", asked Rachel, throwing down her back pack. "Looks like cloth and sticks."

"And THAT is what you're going to make your tent out of."

"Holy CRAP!"

"Okay! We're here!", said Tifa, leading her group out of the transport. "We set up camp here. Nobody stays in the radio cabin, we're all out here."

"But somebody else can stay in there!", protested Jessie.

"We're all sticking together.", said Tifa. "I'm going to gather wood. Laura, you're in charge while I'm gone. DO NOT SCREW UP!"

"Er, yes ma'am!", saluted Laura.

"Rachel, you are going to fetch the wood! You are in charge of it! GO!", commanded Cloud.

"Yes, SIR. . .", grumbled Rachel, taking her paintball gun that resembled her M-16, and began to trudge through the woods.

"Yeah! Laura's in charge!", said Shannon. "What's you're command?!"

"Um, I don't know. . .", said Laura.

"Come on! You're in charge! You can do ANYTHING!"

"Um, okay well then I guess we should go scout ahead. Jessie, Shannon, come with me."

"Hey! I meant something FUN!", said Shannon.

"Unless you want to lose miserably, you'll come. Now move your butt!"

"Grumble, grumble, stupid Cloud. . .", mumbled Rachel with an armful of firewood, trudging back to camp. "Here you go, Sahib.", said Rachel, dumping it on the ground in front of Cloud, who's feet were kicked back and relaxed.

"There you go knave- er, I mean, private.", said Cloud. "Now start the fire!" Rachel put the wood in the circle of stones and pointed her finger. "No! WITHOUT materia."

"GRRRR!", growled Rachel. She picked up a flint rock and scraped it against another rock to produce sparks and light the fire. "Anything ELSE, master?"

"Yeah, rub my feet.", said Cloud, beginning to toast some marshmallows.

"You MUST be joking."

"Get rubbin'!", he said, kicking off his boots.

"OH SWEET JESUS!"

"I hear something!", said Shannon.

"What?", asked Laura. They turned around and peered through the bushes, and spotted a pair of lookouts. The cocked their guns, and proceeded.

"DROP EM'!", shouted Laura, catching the scouts by surprise, prompting them to drop what they had.

"Woohoo! Prisoners!", said Jessie. But they celebrated too soon; more of team B had popped up behind them. "Whoops."

"Where's Private Cruz?", asked Tifa when she got back.

"She left to scout.", said another soldier.

"AW CRAP! There are team B members there!", she said urgently.

"So? They took their guns. They should be fine."

"EEP!" One soldier put a gun to the back of Laura's head.

"But team B excels at sneak operations!"

"Aw crap. . ."

"Move out!"

"What do we do with the prisoners?", asked one soldier to another.

"Take them back to the base. If they resist, shoot them.", said the commander.

"Laura!", whispered Shannon.

"What?"

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU BRING US ALONG?!", she hissed.

"FREEZE!" Tifa popped out in front of them, holding them at gun point, with the rest of the team surrounding them, outnumbering the other soldiers 1:3.

"EEEEEEW!", thought Rachel, walking over to the nearby stream to wash her hands from rubbing Cloud's feet. "I like him, but I don't like him enough to rub his FEET!"

"PRIVATE DISTLER!", called Cloud.

"Oh great. What ungodly thing is he asking me to do NOW?", said Rachel.

"Up the tree.", he said.

"WHY?!"

"Lookout duty. It's getting late.", he said. "And since you never put up your tent, you might as well do this. Goodnight.", he said, walking into his cabin.

"Stupid bastard. . .", cursed Rachel behind his back.

"We agree!", said the rest of the soldiers.

"Huh? What did he do to you?", asked Rachel.

"He made us hunt! THE NERDS! HUNT!", said one.

"And he yelled at us for putting up the tents too close to the cabin, so we had to move them FOUR times!", said another.

"And he won't share the porn!" They all turned around and looked at the one soldier. "Okay, maybe that was just me. . ."

"Yeehaw!", shouted Laura. "And BANG! Out like that!" When Tifa saved her hide, instead of just taking prisoners, the paintballed them all, and kept one to lead them to their camp.

"How do we know he's not leading us to a trap?", asked one. Tifa didn't answer, and just pressed her gun harder into the back of the prisoner.

"He's not.", said Tifa. The prisoner smiled, and said, "Just beyond those bushes." Tifa squinted her eyes, and took a step forward cautiously, the prisoner's smile getting larger.

"HERE!" Tifa took the prisoner's sleeve and threw him forward, and a net snared him. "As long as he was out in front, he shouldn't have led us to a trap. Unless he wanted to get caught himself. Now get him out, he still has to take us there."

"REBELLION!", said Rachel to the other troops, who had elected her as their leader.

"We don't need him!", said the others.

"Another leader!", said somebody else.

"We strike tonight!", said another.

KNOCK KNOCK! Cloud woke up to a knocking at his door.

"Who is-!" When he stepped out, he was blinded with red pointers aiming for his head, and he saw somebody walk forward.

"This Cloudy,", said the person, taking off the helmet the covered their face. "is what you get for not being nice." It was Rachel of course, with a huge smile, and put her gun to his neck. "Let's have some fun."

"When I tell you to move, we do, okay?", whispered Tifa. It was nighttime now, and they all looked through the bushes of Sergeant Frankert' team. The orange embers reflected off their war-painted faces, and they loaded their guns, readying, when they heard screaming.

"AAHHHH! THE ENEMY!", they heard somebody yell, but their team was present and accounted for, and when they arrived, they had already shot their prisoner. They saw somebody from a different team run in and shoot some of team B, and during the skirmish, they saw a man with ebony hair walk in front of the fire, his hair swaying back and forth. Team A was here as well.

"Think he's had enough?", asked Rachel to some other female soldiers.

"I don't know, what do you think?" All the female troops were outside with Rachel, and the guys were inside, because Rachel had strung up Cloud by the ankles and undressed him down to his boxers and put duct tape over his mouth, and the guys were inside, looking at his porno.

"Oh, I don't know. . . Hey gimme that marker.", said Rachel. She walked up to Cloud and put a mouth on the duct tape. "HAH! Now he looks as stupid as her deserves. So Cloudy, learned anything yet?"

"MMHHFFFHHFFMMM!", he said, the duct tape muffling his words.

"Oh, sorry, wrong answer. The lesson is, I DO NOT RUB FEET!"

"I thought the lesson was that you're just sadistic and evil at times.", said another soldier.

"Meh, that's good, too.", shrugged Rachel.

"Okay, all that's left is teams C and D.", said Vincent, team D still watching through the bushes. "Take what you need, and move out. We'll attack while they're asleep." They moved through the tents and the other shot soldiers, unconscious from being hit with so many paintballs, particularly in the head, and took what they needed, and all gathered around the fire, where Vincent stood. "Are we ready? Let's move out." They headed for the bushes.

"Oh crap!", said Laura.

"Follow me!", said Tifa. Vincent's team beat through the bushes, with no sign of Tifa's group, and carried on.

"AGH!", he heard one of his soldiers scream.

"What's going on?! AGGGGH!" Tifa landed on him from the trees, the rest of her troops falling out on top of them, and blasting whoever they missed, and took very few casualties so far.

"Nice to see you, Vincent.", said Tifa with a happy smile. "Now stay still. . ." She pulled out a revolver, and shot him with a paintball.

"Cool! A paintball revolver!", said Jessie.

"Enough of that though. We have to find team C still. . . Let's move."

"HA HA!", laughed Rachel. "Okay, he's learned his lesson.", she said. "Just give him back his clothes, but not his gun. After this, he'd DEFINITELY not hesitate to shoot any one of us. But most importantly, ME."

"Rachel, what horrible torture methods have you employed, NOW?", asked a familiar voice.

"Wha?" She turned around to see Laura holding a gun to Rachel's forehead, and the other people in team D had taken the rest as hostages, and the guys in the cabin were pelted with red paint.

"YOU LOSE!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!", laughed Laura, holding the trophy for winning the war games as they walked to Tifa's house to relax.

"Shutup.", said Rachel.

"YOU are just jealous.", said Laura.

"And YOU are gonna be in pain when I jam that thing up your-

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!", yelled Aeris when they opened the door.

"A-Aeris! I thought you were at Costa Del Sol!", said Cloud.

"I WAS, about two days ago!"

"Oops. That's right, it was a two-week course.", said Vincent.

"AND I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK! GET BACK HERE CLOUD STRIFE!", yelled Aeris to Cloud, running away.

"And that's the man you love?", asked Laura to Rachel, watching with a sweat mark above her head.

"Heheheheheh. . ."


	18. Chapter 15: God Save the Princess

Chapter 15: God Save the Princess

A/N: Okeedokee, time for the next damned chapter in this pitiful series...FF7 is owned by Squaresoft, and Laura is owned by LadyTifa26! Does that mean there are 26 LadyTifas? Meh!

* * *

"Yuffie!"

"Yes master?" Godo had summoned Yuffie to the court in front of his throne in Wutai. Cushy.

"Yuffie, have you no idea what today is?", he asked.

"Well SIRE, if I had any guess, it would be my birthday."

"Wait, WHAT?! I was just asking whether it was Thursday or not! I mean, of COURSE it's your birthday! I wasn't out harassing the small, impressionable children!"

"Admit it. You LOVE jumping out of the bushes and scaring them, don't you?"

"But it's so much FUN!"

"But you didn't remember your own daughter's birthday!", scolded Yuffie.

"Um, that's not all. . ."

"Now what?"

"Um, how old are you?"

"AAAGGGGHHHHH!"

"Oh Cloudy, of COURSE I'll marry you!", mumbled Rachel in her dreamlike state. "And we'll live happily ever after, and after, and after. . .zzz. . ."

"WAKE UP!", yelled Tifa in her ear.

"OUCH! HEY! NOT SO LOUD!", screamed Rachel after recoiling from the shock.

"That's the only way to wake you up! We're going to Wutai!"

"Wutai? Can I have a ninjinata?"

"No."

"Shurikens?"

"No."

"Poison tipped daggers?"

"If you're going to stab yourself with them."

"Hmmph! Fine, I'll move. . ."

"Hee hee, oh Vinnie. . .", said Laura in the same dreamlike state. "You know that tickles. . .hee hee. . .zzz. . ."

"Oh sweet Jesus. . .", said Cloud, walking into her room. "WAKE UP!"

Laura didn't move.

Cloud shook her rapidly. "WAKE UP!"

She still didn't move.

"Sigh. . . Vincent's here."

"OOH! WHERE?!", she said, whipping her head around to see.

"Next door, now move it! We're going to Wutai!"

"That's everybody.", said Yuffie, hanging up her PHS. "But Godo, after forgetting MY birthday, what's so special about, my seventeenth birthday?"

"A girl's seventeenth birthday is special, in the traditions of our ancestors.", he said. "The princess of Wutai receives a special celebration!" Yuffie was squirming around in her silky red dress, putting on high heels.

"I thought it was the sixteenth birthday."

"Um, well maybe I forgot about that, too. . ."

"AGH!"

"Everybody got her a present?", asked Vincent, dressed in a tux.

"YEP!", said Laura, in an elegant green dress made of satin.

"Ready.", said Tifa in black dress.

"Ditto!", said Aeris in a pink dress.

"Pretty sure.", said Cloud in another tux.

"Got it!", said Rachel in a blue silk Chinese dress.

"I remembered.", said Lucrecia in a purple dress.

"Then let's go!" The Highwind arrived to pick them up, and when they entered, Red XIII was in there wearing the top of a suit.

"Um, Red?", asked Rachel.

"What?"

"How in hell did you button that shirt?"

"It took me an HOUR. AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE CUFF LINKS!"

"Shut up, and sit your ass down!", yelled Cid in a tux.

"Nice to see you.", said Shera.

"Hello.", said Reeve, already and always in a suit, with the robotic Cait Sith wearing a little red bow tie.

"I am NOT on speaking terms with YOU, Mr. Moneybags.", said Rachel.

"IT WAS HALLOWEEN!", he said.

"LALALALALALA! NOT LISTENING!"

"Shut up, or I'll shoot ya', fool!", threatened Barret.

"Whatever you say, Mr. T"

"WHAT?!" RATATATATAT! Barret shot off his arm.

"AAAAHHH!!"

"And since when was I ever considered a princess?!", asked Yuffie, walking with her father to the ballroom.

"Since you were BORN, duh. I AM the ruler of Wutai, making YOU the princess."

"And let's see here, I'm a thief, a liar, a trickster, and STILL even though I'm a princess, I do these things, even though I'm supposed to be swimming in it?"

"MY MONEY!"

"Aw, fine. . ."

"WE'RE HERE!", announced Cid.

"That was only a few seconds!", said Rachel.

"Yeah, but Rachel," said Laura. "in the game, you could circle like, the entire world four times in like, five minutes."

"Good point."

Yuffie was found standing quietly under a blooming cherry blossom tree, very unlike her. . .

"Hey Yuffie. What's up?", asked Tifa as they walked up. "And er, what's up with the dress?" Yuffie was wearing a red silk dress with transparent sleeves and a slit for the legs that moved high up the thigh.

"Don't ask. Godo forgot my birthday. . .", said Yuffie.

"But he's planning something big, right? He IS the ruler of Wutai. . ."

"We'll see. . . Come on, the party's inside." She led them to a huge pagoda on the other side of Wutai, and as soon as they all walked in the door, a gong began banging.

"Welcome honored guests!", shouted a man from the top of some steps where a throne was. "We are here to celebrate the seventeenth birthday of Princess Yuffie Kisaragi of Wutai! Bow before her and her father, Godo Kisaragi!"

Godo stepped out in a heavy robe with a solemn look on his face, and walked up to Yuffie.

"Yuffie! The ancestors have passed down sacred traditions that are followed even today. And today, is the day we continue another one of those sacred traditions!"

"And er, Godo?", asked Yuffie. "What would THAT be?"

"OH MY GOD! YOU ARE NOT SERIOUS!", screeched Yuffie. "That can NOT be one of our traditions!" The others were standing there with eyes as large as dinner plates.

"Yuffie, in the days of our ancestors-

"YEAH, OUR ANCESTORS!", cut in Yuffie.

"AHEM! In the days of our ancestors, it was necessary to continue the family line, and MARRY by the time they are seventeen!"

"EEW! NO WAY! I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED!", she screamed.

"TOO BAD! IT IS TRADITION AND THE WAY OF OUR ANCESTORS! I WAS MARRIED WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN!"

"AND I FEEL SORRY FOR MOM! EEW!"

"I LOVED YOUR MOTHER!"

"BUT SIXTEEN!? EEW!"

"Um, are we supposed to be here?", asked Laura, beginning to sweat.

"Of course!", said Godo. "You are the wedding guests!"

"There is no wedding!", cried Yuffie. "I'M GOING TO MY HOUSE! SEE YA'!", she said, jumping to the ceiling and disappearing.

"Hmm, I THOUGHT it was a bad idea to teach her the way of the ninja."

"Eew! Married?", asked Yuffie to herself back at her house in front of the TV, changed back in her usual clothes. "He's nuts." She turned on her CF2 (Cool Facility 2. Bad parody, huh?) and began playing a game.

"Yuffie?" Aeris walked in, to see if she was okay.

"Oh, hey Aeris.", said Yuffie dully. "Did Godo send you?"

"No, he's sending out for guys who want to marry you."

"Oh, PLEASE. I'm not going through with it. Marry a guy I haven't even dated? Icky."

"I know. Weird tradition. How about you just get a divorce the next day? I mean, you wouldn't even have to go through the honeymoon if you didn't want to."

"Well, THERE'S an idea. . . But I'd rather not go through it at all."

"Yeah, but I brought somebody who might be able to persuade you. . ." Aeris stepped aside and a servant girl stood there.

"Eww!", said Rachel. "Not at seventeen!"

"Oh I dunno. . .", said Laura. "I wouldn't mind getting married to Vinnie at age seventeen. . ."

"You ARE seventeen, dip."

"DUH!"

"DON'T GET ANY IDEAS!", said Vincent.

"Oh, but I've got PLENTY. . .", said Laura with a smile.

"EEW!"

"Kalana? What are you doing here?", asked Yuffie. Kalana was apparently a friend of hers and was a servant in the palace of Godo's.

"Miss Yuffie, please, just listen to Godo.", said Kalana. "I know it's strange, but Miss Aeris has a point. I may only be a servant, but you don't know how much it means to Master Godo."

"Bite me."

"Please Miss Yuffie!"

"Kalana, I DON'T like to argue with you!", said Yuffie. "You're the only friend I have in all of Wutai!"

"That's because you stole materia from everybody else.", said Kalana with a bead of sweat.

"EXACTLY! And so just drop it!"

"Aw, come on Yuffie!", said Lucrecia. "It couldn't be that bad! Just get a divorce!"

"I'm not gonna.", said Yuffie, burying her head in a pillow.

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Kiss my ass."

"Puh-LEEZ?!"

"FINE!", said Yuffie.

"AND NOW ANNOUNCING, PRINCESS YUFFIE!", called the crier in the throne room.

"Ah, Yuffie! I knew you would have a change of heart!", said Godo.

"Let's see what you got.", sighed Yuffie. "This BETTER be good. . ."

"BRING OUT THE SUITORS!", shouted Godo. After everybody was seated, men began filing in, all with roses.

"OOH! BACHELOR NUMBER 3!", cried Rachel. "THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE SEPHIROTH! YEAH, YOU!"

"Calm down Rachel!", said Laura. "These guys aren't here for you." Rachel began to sob a little.

"See Miss Yuffie?", asked Kalana. "It's not that bad."

"It hasn't even begun. . .", said Yuffie. Yuffie and the others stood up as ordered by Godo and inspected the suitors, looking carefully.

"OOH! CAN I HAVE HIM?!", asked Rachel, grabbing on to a guy that looked like a blond Sephiroth with Cloud's eyes. "I PROMISE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM!"

"WE ARE NOT SHOPPING FOR PETS!", yelled Tifa. "MOVE!"

They all walked back up the stairs to their seats, and Yuffie told Godo the ones who should remain. Only seven were left out of the forty-five men.

"BREAK!", called Godo. "What do you think?", he asked once the men left.

"I don't know why I'm going through with this.", said Yuffie. "Godo, just leave. I'd feel better with my decision if you weren't here."

"ALREADY THINKING LIKE A LEADER! SHE TRULY IS MY DAUGHTER!", he said, then left.

"What a loony.", she said, twirling her finger next to her head.

"What do you think?", asked Cloud.

"Well Cloud, LEAVE! YOU TOO VINCENT! BARRET! CID! RED!", ordered Yuffie.

"Why?"

"I'm picking a guy. I doubt you'd feel comfortable."

"But it's a party!"

"GO!"

"But-!"

"Princess Yuffie, is this man giving you any trouble?", asked a guard.

"Take him away.", she ordered with an evil smile.

"OOH, I HATE you. . .", he said, while being dragged away.

"And what about you?", asked Yuffie to the other guys, who promptly left after her threat. "Good."

"So, Yuffie?", asked Tifa. "What do you think?"

"I think I'm gonna die.", she said. "I just have to remember to get a divorce, and I think I'll live through the day. Kalana, why are you supporting my father's wishes? Normally you hate him as much as I do."

"I have an idea.", she said. "And it doesn't involve you having to get married."

"I'm listening. . .", said Yuffie, leaning closer. Kalana began whispering her idea to her.

"And?", asked Rachel. "AND?!"

"Can't work.", said Yuffie. "Godo would know."

"Oh well then. . .", sighed Kalana. "Guess you're screwed."

"Should I think of something?", asked Lucrecia.

"Or should ?", asked Shera.

"No, it doesn't matter. Let's just stick to Aeris' plan."

"BRING THEM BACK IN!", ordered Godo once the consultation was over.

The set looked just like a dating game, where the bachelors were sitting behind a screen so Yuffie wouldn't know which bachelor was which.

"Okay!", said Yuffie. "If you were on a desert island and could only have one thing, what would it be? Bachelor number 6?"

"I would bring you of course.", he said in a suave voice.

"Ooh, I like him. . .", said Rachel.

"Shut up.", said Red.

"Okay, and how about you bachelor number 4?"

"Water, duh. You can't live without that."

"Bachelor number 3?"

"A TV, hands down."

"But you realize there wouldn't be any electrical outlets, right?"

"Oh. . ."

"What do you think?", asked Yuffie. She was allowed to talk to them for consultation.

"Don't pick the last one.", said Aeris. "He sounds like a moron. But the first one sounds romantic and the other one sounds smart. Ask the others more questions."

"What kind of question?", asked Yuffie. Rachel was hastily writing down a message on a piece of paper and held it up for Yuffie like a cue card.

"Okay. . . BACHELOR NUMBER ONE! BOXERS OR BRIEFS!?!"

"DIH!" The others had collapsed.

"What?", asked Rachel.

"You're such a moron. . .", said Laura.

"Umm. . .", said bachelor 1. "Briefs."

"OKAY! Bachelor number 2, boxers of briefs?"

"Boxers."

"And how about you number 6?"

"Why don't you come over here and see?", he said in a similar tone.

"Oooh, now I REALLY like him. . .", said Rachel.

"DECISION TIME!", announced Godo. "WHO WILL BE YOUR HUSBAND!?"

"Sigh. . .", said Yuffie. "You might as well spin me around blindfolded and have me point to one. Bachelor number six I guess. . ." The blind went up, and it was the blond Sephiroth clone with bright blue eyes. Rachel was crying.

"I KNEW HE WAS TOO PERFECT! WAH!"

"Are you ready, Yuffie?", asked Kalana, standing next to Yuffie in a corridor of the palace, walking to the throne room where Yuffie would be married.

"God, shoot me. . ."

"Heh, I'll take that as a yes.", said Kalana. "Just remember Miss Yuffie, I'm backing you up."

"Kalana?"

"Yes?"

"Stop calling me Miss Yuffie. Just Yuffie. Got it?"

"Yes, er, Yuffie."

"And Kalana?"

"Yes?"

"If God doesn't smite me down before I'm married, do it yourself, okay?"

"Yes Yuffie.", she laughed. "But here, I still have something to say. . ."

"We are gathered here today, to wed Yuffie Kisaragi and Takeshi Inoue. . ." Yuffie and the other guy were still actually wearing their normal clothes and strangely, Yuffie had a smile on, and Kalana was almost laughing. Rachel and Laura were next to her, and noticed this.

"Uh, Kalana, what's up?", asked Rachel. Kalana saw her laughing was noticeable, and stopped immediately.

"YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE!" Surprisingly, Yuffie and Takeshi had no awkwardness in kissing.

The reception was short, because it was such short notice, and before Yuffie left, Rachel asked what was going on.

"Yuffie, what's going on? And you too Kalana, what's up?"

"I'M NOT YUFFIE!"

"AND I'M NOT KALANA!"

"What?"

"WE SWITCHED!", they both said, taking off wigs.

"WHAT?!", everybody yelled.

"We had this planned from the beginning.", said Yuffie, the real one. "Her boyfriend was in the line-up, and all I had to do was keep picking him."

"And what about the screen? You weren't able to see him!", said Tifa.

"But Kalana could.", said Yuffie. "All she did was signal me what number to pick."

"And now we're married!", said Kalana. "Both of us were too poor to get married, so this worked out well!"

"Where are you going for the honeymoon?"

"Costa Del Sol. As if it matters though, you never spend much time outside of the bed. . ."

"God, I don't need anymore images. . .", mumbled Rachel.

Kalana departed in the limo, and after most had left, Rachel was crying.

"Hey, what's up?", asked Laura.

"NOOOO!", cried Rachel.

"What? No what?"

"SEPHY AND CLOUD CLONE! WAAAHHHHH!"


	19. Chapter 16: Thanksgiving Theatrics

Chapter 16: Thanksgiving Theatrics

* * *

AN3: YAY! Twentieth technical chapter! Honestly, I didn't think this fic would be popular enough to last this long.

Aeris: How long did you think it would last?

AN3: Somewhere between the first chapter, I thought people would think it was complete. . .dookie.

Rachel: Love that word.

AN3: Of course. YOU ARE ME! But anyway, THANKSGIVING! WOOHOO!

Tifa: And you can only guess who is doing the cooking. . .

AN3: If you're suggesting you are, nope. THAT IS WHY THIS THANKSGIVING IS GONNA BE INTERESTING! NOBODY CAN COOK!

Cloud: Oh sweet Jesus. . .

Cid: And what about us? The secondary characters. THE &(! SECONDARY CHARACTERS! I WASN'T MEANT TO BE A &! SECONDARY CHARACTER! I'M CALLING MY AGENT! pulls out PHS

AN3: Um, well, being a mere secondary character, not much will happen. But as for the credits. . .takes out hat fishes around OKAY! WHO HAVE WE HERE!? RED! DO THE CREDITS!

Red: I never get enough lines in this stupid story anyway. Okay, Laura is in the image of LadyTifa26, and Squaresoft owns all FF7 characters, like myself. Happy?

AN3: VERY! Um, Cid? Where are you going?

Cid: NEXT DOOR! I HEAR THEY HAVE A (#! ROLE FOR A GUY NAMED CID!

next door at the set of FF8

Director: And this is the scene where Squall swoops down in that Galbadian rocket thingy, and saves the dangling Rinoa from her death!

Cid: AND WHERE THE HELL IS MY &! PART?!

Director: Er, well Cid, we DO have a part for you, but you don't make much of an appearance after this. . .

Cid: AW $&! YOU! NOBODY EVER LOVED CID! breaks down

AN3: sweat drop

"Turkey? Check. Stuffing? Check. Pumpkin pie filling? Check. . ." Rachel, Tifa, and Laura were standing around in the kitchen, going over the checklist. Tifa was going to be away at Choco Billy's chocobo ranch, to learn the latest techniques on chocobo care.

"And that's it!", announced Tifa. "I'll be off! But remember, I'll be back for dinner on Thanksgiving. Got it?"

"Got it!", said Laura cheerfully, giving her the thumbs-up sign.

Tifa departed for the ranch, leaving Rachel, Aeris, Laura, Vincent, and Cloud to do their own Thanksgiving dinner.

"Let's assign roles!", said Rachel. "Laura and I have the turkey, stuffing, and gravy, Aeris is taking care of some of the baking, such as, well, I dunno, maybe a kind of bread or something. . ., the yams, and any other vegetable, and Cloud and Vincent do hmm. . . How about a few pumpkin pies?"

"Fine with me.", said Aeris.

"Men don't cook.", said Cloud proudly.

"And sexists get their asses kicked. GET BAKING OR DIE!", screamed Rachel.

"Yes ma'am. . .", cowered Cloud.

"Let's see. . .", said Rachel, looking at the recipe. "Thaw for twenty-four hours." She looked over at the thawed turkey. "Okay. . . Rub on butter excessively if you wish." She looked up from the recipe, with a strange look on her face. "Okay. . ." She picked up the butter and began rubbing it on her arms. "I don't know how the hell this will help cook the turkey, but if it says so. . ." She looked at the next instruction. "Insert hands and take out giblets. What the hell are giblets?" She referred to a dictionary and brought it to the kitchen, flipping through its pages. "Ah! Here it is! Uh, huh. . . EEW! NO WAY!", she shrieked. But she wanted the Thanksgiving dinner to be perfect, so against her will, she slowly stuck her hand in the turkey's bum, giving a look of pure disgust.

"Rachel?", asked Laura, walking into the kitchen. "Why are you covered in butter, sticking your hand up a turkey's ass?"

"It said so!"

"Oh, I thought this is how you get your kicks. . .", said Laura. "That turkey's giblets are already taken out."

"Gravy then!" Rachel tugged at her arm, but her hand was stuck. "Uh oh."

"What do you mean 'uh oh'!?"

"My hand's stuck."

"Oh shiitake. . ."

"Candied yams? Why not. . .", said Aeris, taking out a pan for it. "Why in God's name would anybody eat yams covered in marshmallows? Oh well, they asked for it. Hey, Cloud, how are you doing?" Aeris looked at Cloud, and almost did a double-take. When she looked up, Cloud was wearing a pink apron. "OH MY GOD! THIS IS TOO PRICELESS!", she shouted, bursting out laughing.

"Shut up. I thought you liked me. . .", he groaned.

"BUT THIS IS TOO FUNNY!" She was own the ground, howling.

"HE got off easy. . ." Vincent walked in, also in a pink apron, but he had a ridiculous chef's hat on, and his hair was tied back in one of Aeris' ribbons.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!", laughed Aeris. "But why are you wearing that stuff?!", she asked, wiping tears from her eyes.

"Rachel made us.", said Vincent. "And my hair has to be back so no hair lands in the food." Aeris pulled out a camera and took a picture.

"Turkey, $25. Stuffing, $5. A picture of you dressed like a girl, priceless!"

"And PULL!", said Laura, pulling Rachel's torso, who was also trying to pull out her arm from the turkey's butt. "ARE YOU SURE YOU BUTTERED YOUR ARMS?!"

"IT FEELS WEIRD! GIMME THE SPATULA!" Rachel dug in the spatula as well as she could, and used it for leverage while she pulled her hand out. "IT'S WORKING! Oops." With all the pressure on the turkey, her hand was free, but the twenty pound turkey shot across the kitchen, hitting the wall.

"You are the world's stupidest being, you know that?", said Laura. "Let's clean it up. . ."

"Oh that was too great. . .", said Aeris, picking herself off of the floor.

"Shut up. . ."

"You DO know how to bake a pie, right?"

"We know, don't we Vince?"

"Um, well. . .", said Vincent. "I don't think I've ever cooked a single thing in my entire life. Who here knows?" Lucrecia all of a sudden walked through the door, yawning.

"What's up?"

"Now, insert the stuffing.", said Rachel. Laura was looking inside the turkey's rear, and stuck out her tongue.

"In there? I WILL NOT BEFOUL MY HANDS WITH TURKEY INNARDS!", she declared.

"You said it yourself, there are no giblets. STICK IN YOUR FRIGGIN' HAND!"

"Grrr. . ."

"Good! Lucrecia!", said Aeris. "Help the culinary impaired here how to cook."

"Grr. . .", mumbled Cloud.

"Cook? I can try. . .", said Lucrecia. "But it's not something I'm particularly skilled at."

"What DO you do?"

"Mainly chemistry. Is that any help?"

"Just think of it like this. Cooking is like chemistry. You take different things, to create a different substance through synthesis.", explained Aeris. Cloud just looked around and pretended to understand.

"Okay. . ."

"NOW! HELP THEM!"

"Look at it a different way, that looks pretty. . .interesting.", said Rachel, holding the stuffing while Laura's arm was sticking it all in.

"Shut up. You're the perv."

"And since when was I ever the perv?"

"The 'anatomy class'."

"I SWEAR! IT WAS A CLASS!"

"Just shut up. Okay, it's all in."

"Now what do we do?"

"Sow it shut."

"SOW A TURKEY'S BUM SHUT!? WHAT IS THIS HOLIDAY REALLY ABOUT NOW?!"

"Start sowing. I'm going to work on the gravy."

"Lalalalala. . . Why the hell am I baking bread for Thanksgiving?", asked Aeris to herself as she checked up on it. "WAUGH!" Apparently, she added too much yeast, and when she opened the oven door, it looked inflated and was poking out. "GIANT BREAD! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!", she cried while running.

"Bread? Where? AGH!", cried Cloud, the bread rising so fast that it rolled out and squashed him.

"DIE EVIL FOOD PRODUCT!" Vincent began shooting it up with bullets. BLAM! The thing was like a balloon, so upon impact, it exploded.

"What was that giant explosion?", asked Rachel, the house shaking from the blast. Being in a different kitchen, namely Tifa's, they weren't next door in Cloud's kitchen to witness what happened.

"I dunno. Why is there bread dough falling from the sky? And why is there a hole in Cloud's roof?"

"Ouch.", coughed Lucrecia, sputtering out smoke.

"How much yeast did you put in that anyway?", asked Vincent.

"3 tablespoons.", said Aeris, removing the dough off of Cloud, unconscious on the floor.

"This say tsp. The abbreviation for tablespoon is tbs., not tsp.", noted Lucrecia.

"Oh. . .oops."

"Okay, the turkey as well as I am buttered, it's giblets are removed, the stuffing is in, and it's butt is sown up. Do we have to do anything else to it?", asked Rachel.

"Cook it. Then eat it. Got it?"

"Ummm. . .yeah. . ."

"GOODO! Now, help me shove it into the oven." They slowly slid it in, set the timer, and stood there.

"Now what?"

"I think we have everything under control here, Lucrecia. Go next door and see if they burned down anything else."

"Gotcha."

"Vince?", asked Cloud. "Tell me one thing."

"What?"

"WHY ARE WE STILL WEARING THIS STUFF?!"

"Shut up and pass the can of pumpkin filling. The faster this is done, the sooner we take off this God awful clothing."

"Here." Vincent scooped out the contents.

"Um, dude?"

"What?"

"THERE IS NO CRUST IN THERE YET!"

"Oops."

"Hello?" Lucrecia walked in, and tried to find somebody. The turkey was roasting neatly in the oven, and everything looked fine, but there was no sign of Laura or Rachel.

Until she SAW.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"

"GAH!" Rachel was tearing through Tifa's room as if she were looking for something, and Laura was going through her bureau. "ARE YOU TWO SICKOS?!" Laura had a bra in her left hand, did a double-take when she realized what she was holding, then dropped it and gave a nervous smile.

"Now that that is fixed. . .", said Cloud, cleaning out the pie tin. "we put in the crust. Didn't we buy any?"

"Buy? I don't think so. . . Here." Vincent took out the rolling pin, and handed it to Cloud.

"Dude, what the hell is this? If this is some sex toy-

"GOD HAVE MERCY NO!", cried Vincent, grasping the sides of his head in pain. "DO YOU LEAN THAT WAY?!"

"EEEWW! NO! I WAS ABOUT TO SAY-

"Are you two yelling in here about homosexuality?", asked Aeris, giving them strange looks from across the kitchen.

"Hey Aeris, I'll show you I'm not gay.", said Cloud, flashing a smile and leaning on the counter.

"Vincent, hand me that please.", asked Aeris. CRACK! Aeris took the rolling pin and hit Cloud over the head with it. "Sicko." She strolled away.

"Now, EXPLAIN the obsessive rummaging through a woman's room.", said Lucrecia.

"Well, I was proving I'm NOT a pervert.", said Rachel, raising her hand to speak.

"By going through somebody else's room? That makes no sense."

"What I was proving is that I could stand to be in quite possibly the most porn infested room, and not crack."

"But you were going through things."

"Maybe. . .", said Rachel, shifting her eyes back and forth.

"And what about you?", she asked to Laura.

"I was seeing if she could do it."

"And why were you going through Tifa's things?"

"E-BAY!", said Laura in a loud shout. "Do you know how well this would sell?", she asked Lucrecia, holding up Mr. Warkster.

"Mr. Warkster!", exclaimed Rachel, before grabbing it and squeezing it hard enough to make its eyes bug out.

"A stuffed chocobo? What about the other stuff?"

"I had to get through it all to find it. Tifa knew Rachel wouldn't go through it."

"And you did?" Laura raised hands with rubber gloves on.

"GLOVES!"

"AND YOU WERE GOING TO SELL HER THINGS?!"

"Maybe. . ."

"Freaks. . .", declared Lucrecia, shaking her head.

"Ouch. . .", said Cloud, putting on some gauze on his head to stem the bleeding where Aeris hit him. "Jesus Aeris! You never had THIS much attack power!"

"Tifa taught me how.", said Aeris, handing him the antiseptic. "Now hold still, sicko."

"I AM NOT GAY!"

"BUT YOU ARE A PERV! GOOD ENOUGH!", said Aeris strongly.

"Wow, aren't you two the perfect couple.", said Vincent, sitting on a stool next to the counter, twirling his guns and fastening them in their holsters.

"Shut up.", said Aeris.

"Of all people, I thought you would agree!", said Cloud.

"Shut up and keep an eye on what you're cooking. Look." She pointed a finger to the oven, and it was beginning to smoke.

"AAAAHHH!"

Lucrecia was taking care of the gravy, while Laura was taking care of the cranberries, and Rachel was just twiddling her fingers in front of her face to keep her entertained.

"Hey, can't you help?", asked Laura.

"Mmph. . .", mumbled Rachel.

"Move your ass.", said Lucrecia.

"Zzz. . ."

"What?" Rachel all of a sudden fell asleep sitting up.

"What's up with her?", asked Lucrecia.

"Rachel? Rachel?", said Laura, shaking her back and forth. Rachel had this almost wasted look on her face, and a strange smile, even though she was asleep. "Huh? Mmmph. . .zzz. . ." Laura fell asleep, too.

"Laura? What's going on?" Lucrecia could smell something. Her eyes widened, and she looked at the turkey, which for some reason wasn't cooking.

"Oh shit."

"Oh Cloud, how appetizing.", said Aeris, looking at the jet black char that was the pumpkin pie.

"Quiet you. You've been PMS-ing or something.", said Cloud.

"You're IMS-ing.", retorted Aeris.

"What?"

"Irritable male syndrome.", said Vincent. "PMS for men."

"YOU TAKE IT BACK!", yelled Cloud.

"Nope.", said Aeris, walking away, with a small, suppressed smile, but she slumped down on a stool.

"TAKE IT BACK!"

"No way. You've changed, Cloud."

"Changed?! How have I changed!? I'm still young! Virile! I'm still sex god!"

"No, you CHANGED. . .", said Aeris, putting a finger close to his face. "And whether you like it or not, that's what happened."

"So does that mean you don't want a piece of this?", he asked in a cracking voice, like his ego was popped.

"Maybe. . ." She walked off.

"WHAT'S HER PROBLEM?!"

"Gas.", said Lucrecia, who turned off the oven and gas, and woke up Laura and Rachel.

"Ha, ha. You have gas. . .", said Rachel, still in a state of delirium. "Why is the room spinning? I'd like to get off."

"Gass. . .", said Laura with a trailing lisp. "Noodles. . .", she said all of a sudden. "What a fffunnnyy wooord. WORD OF THE GODSSSS!"

"Let's try this again.", said Aeris, putting a pie in the oven. "Now, SET THE TIMER! First major folly of the male gender. THEY DO NOT LIKED TO BE TIMED."

"I don't need a timer.", said Cloud selfishly. "And I don't need a girl making fun of me."

"No Cloud, you DO need a timer, and what you believe you need, is having a girl in your pants all the time.", said Aeris.

"Psst!", hissed Vincent. "I think she's dissing you man!", he whispered. Cloud looked at him.

"No duh dude. Why are you like this all of a sudden. Wait. DID RACHEL SAY ANYTHING?!"

"What?", asked Aeris.

"I KNEW IT! I'M GOING OVER THERE RIGHT NOW!"

"Lucrecia, do you have the gravy under control?", asked Rachel. "It tasted sorta bad before when I tried to make it."

"Just needed a bit of NaCl.", said Lucrecia, putting in some salt. "And maybe a few other chemicals. . ."

"Wait, WHAT?!", said Rachel in disbelief. "What other chemicals?"

"Oh. I forgot. But it was on that recipe.", said Lucrecia, pointing to a bottle.

"Lucrecia, this isn't a recipe. These are the ingredients. And another thing, THIS IS SHAMPOO I FORGOT TO PUT AWAY!"

"Oops. And I guess it wasn't a good idea to taste it then. I think it's pretty good though."

"Let me see it." Lucrecia lifted the whisk, but the pot came with it as well.

"Uh oh. I think it's viscosity went way up too fast. And is it supposed to be green?"

"My gravy. . .", said Rachel, with a blank, yet disturbed look on her face. "MY GRAVY!" She began to tear up.

"Okay Rachel. Calm down.", said Laura.

"GRAVY! NOOOOOOOO!!"

"RACHEL!" Cloud had stormed in from the front door. "DID YOU TELL HER?!"

"Tell who?", asked Rachel, broken out of her conniption. "Tell what?"

"YOU KNOW!"

"Cloud?" Aeris poked her head in the door.

"TELL AERIS ABOUT YOU-KNOW-WHAT?!"

"Know what?", asked Aeris.

"ABOUT THE SLEEPING, AND THE SEX, AND THE TIFA!"

"Nope. I said I wouldn't tell, and I didn't.", said Rachel.

"What about sleeping, and sex, and Tifa?", asked Aeris. "Cloud? Are you hiding something?"

"Wait then.", he said, coming to his senses. "Then you don't know. . .", he said to Aeris. "And you didn't tell. . .so. . ." He looked at Rachel, with a look of relief. "I LOVE YOU!"

"GAK!" All of a sudden, she was receiving this giant hug from Cloud, and her head was squashed up against his chest. "Same. . .here. . .Cloudy. . .squee. . .", she said, being choked to death.

"Huh?" Vincent who had come with Aeris noticed something wrong. "What's wrong here?"

"Yeah, why is it so hot?", asked Lucrecia. "DEAR SWEET JESUS!" Out the window, the pie they left in the oven had set the house on fire. "ICE3!"

"And why are my eyes burning and lungs cringing?", asked Rachel.

"I think that's Cloud's deodorant.", said Aeris.

"Not gonna stop, are you?", asked Cloud.

"Uh, guys? WHY IS THE TURKEY A FLAMING BALL OF DOOM?!", screamed Vincent.

"Aw crap."

"MOVE! ICE3!", said Cloud, aiming at the oven.

"Oh luvvy. . .", said Rachel. "All the food is burned, and now, there is nothing left. TIFA IS GONNA KILL ME!"

"Well, we still have the cranberries.", said Laura, picking them up.

"YAY! CRANBERRIES!" They all charged for them.

"AAHHHHH!", screamed Laura. She dropped them and ran.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Okay guys! I'm home! Where's the turkey?", called Tifa, stepping into her house with a few bags. "Cloud?" Cloud was on the floor in the fetal position, sucking his thumb on the floor.

"No Thanksgiving and no turkey make Cloud go CRAZY!", he yelled.

"Oookaaay. . .", said Tifa. "Rachel? You guys?" The rest were slumped on the couch, looking very crazy from withdrawal.

"Soo. . .HUNGRY!", said Rachel.

"MY LIFE! IT IS FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES!", cried Laura.

"Flashing?", asked Rachel. "LET ME SEE!"  
"PERV! YOU AND CLOUD ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER, I SWEAR!", said Laura.

"Don't sweat it.", said Tifa. "I knew you'd screw up."

"Oh, thanks for the vote of confidence.", said Rachel.

"No, I bought Chinese.", said Tifa. "Anyway, they were the only people open."

"Food?", asked Cloud, coming to his knees and crawling over. "For me? FOOD FOR CLOUD!?"

"Whoa! Down boy! Save that for later- uh I mean, down!", said Tifa.

"YAY! FOOD!", said Rachel, snatching out of her arms. "FOOOOOD!"


	20. Chapter 17: Dreams and Delusions

Chapter 17: Dreams and Delusions

A/N: I HATE NOOOOTES! CAN'T PEOPLE JUST REMEMBER THEM FROM PAST CHAPTERS?! Oy. . .FF7 is owned by Squaresoft, and LadyTifa26 owns Laura. Yay. We're done.

* * *

Being in the blustery months of November and December, filled with the chilled air that freezes most anything, people are prone to, well, get sick. And our characters are no exception! Here, in the little mountain town of Nibelheim, a bit of an epidemic has swept through! And Aeris and Lucrecia seem to be the only ones okay, because Lucrecia made a vaccine and took it, and Aeris is well, Aeris. She's a Cetra. With healing power. Need I say more?

"Just rest easy, okay?", said Aeris to Rachel, tucked into a bed with an unhealthy blush.

"Pudding pie!", shouted Rachel. This was no ordinary flu. This was the kind that would give you a 105 degree temperature. Ouch.

"She's becoming delusional. . .", said Aeris to Lucrecia. "How are the others?" While visiting and stuff, the rest of the crew became sick, and are now under Aeris' and Lucrecia's care.

"Not much better.", said Lucrecia. "In fact, about the same. I'm developing a cure as we speak."

"Good.", said Aeris. "Let her sleep."

In Rachel's delusion.

"WHOA! PUDDING!", exclaimed Rachel, in a room full of it.

"And it's all yours!", said a Cloud, popping up next to her, shirtless with a bow tie, and otherwise dressed like a waiter.

"Cloudy? And pudding? WHAT COULD BE BETTER?!"

"How about more Clouds?" More Clouds showed up.

"WOOHOO!"

"What's. . .going on?", asked Laura in her delusion.

"She's not doing well. . .", said Aeris, now checking up on her, who was taking up Aeris' bed.

"How's Tifa?", asked Lucrecia.

"Not much better. She's in her room. Check her please.", requested Aeris.

"Where is everybody?", mumbled Tifa with her eyes closed. "Empty. . . Gone. . ."

"Oh sweet Jesus. Aeris, I need to make that cure NOW. I'll have to leave you here.", said Lucrecia.

"OKAY! JUST HURRY!"

"Vinnie? What's going on?", asked Laura in her delusion.

"Why, our wedding, my darling.", he said in a suave tone.

"REALLY?!", she shouted. "I mean, of course! All of a sudden, she was wearing an elegant wedding dress, and he was in a fancy tuxedo. "WOOHOO! WEDDING!"

"Yes, my love.", said Vincent. "And it's on the balcony of that castle we are to live in, overlooking the sea, with a white sand beach, where we shall live happily ever after."

"COOLNESS!"

"Hello?", called Tifa, in the middle of her dream. "HELLO?! Is anybody here?" She was standing in the middle of a black room with no walls. "Am I stuck in the Lifestream AGAIN?!"

"Tifa.", said a lifeless voice. And to her horror, she turned around, and saw Zack.

"WHOA! What the hell are you doing here? Am I dead?", she shrieked.

"No.", he said in the same voice. "You know why I'm here."

"I'm going to be dead, right?"

"Not exactly."

"Okay, that ONE night alone with you doe-

"No. That's not it either."

"Oh. Good."

"WHHEEEEEEE!" In Vincent's dream, he was riding a mechanical pony, and he was squealing like a giddy school girl. Until it stopped. Then, he reached for another quarter, but it slipped and fell down a drain. It was the last quarter. "NOOOOOOOOO!", he screamed, and then just sat there.

"YES! THIS IS IT!", shouted Yuffie, on top of a diving board. "GERONIMO!" She performed aerial tricks in her dive, and fell into a pool full of. . .materia. "AND THERE'S NO GODO!" She began doing a breaststroke through the materia. "AND I WILL RULE RHE WORLD! Oh, and, um, Wutai, too. HA, HA!" Just to say, while Yuffie was visiting, she caught the bug as well.

"Cloud. . .", said Aeris, almost sadly, putting some ice on his forehead. "You're not getting any better. And are you LIKING it?"

"Oh yeah, that's good.", he said with a delirious smile. "Oh yeah, baby."

In Cloud's dream.

"Uh, huh! You know that tickles!" He was playing with a pack of dogs who were licking him, and the other members of AVALANCHE were playing with dogs, too.

"Cloud. . .", sighed Aeris. She knelt over, kissed him on the forehead, and walked off to check on everyone else.

"THIS IS MY KIND OF DELUSION!", said Rachel, being fed pudding by one of the shirtless Clouds. A shirtless Vincent was rubbing her feet, and Sephiroth was massaging her back, while the other Clouds paid homage to her by bowing up and down before her.

"My lady!", said one of the Clouds, walking forth. "We have come to give you a gift! And being in the presence of your greatness, and that your almighty omnipotence reigns over all, it was difficult to find something you would like! Here!" He genuflected, and offered up Chobits No.2 on a velvet tassel pillow.

"I LOVE DELUSIONS!"

"Oh well, I lost the quarter.", said Vincent, stepping off the pony. "Is anybody else here?" He was standing in a blank white room, with no sign of anybody. POINK! He was transported to a hill, with a tree, overlooking a lush green field, with no monsters in sight. "What the hell?"

"Okay, that's enough. . .", said Cloud, walking away from the dogs.

"Where are you going, Cloud?", asked Aeris.

"Oh, I dunno. Somewhere."

"I'll come, too!"

"Me, too!", said Tifa, stepping up.

"Um, okay. . ."

"You may now kiss the bride!", said the priest in Laura's dream. Laura smiled and kissed him. Almost.

"Lord Vincent!", said Cloud, running up to him in chain mail and armor. "The war has gotten worse! We are in need of a brave knight like yourself!"

"But Sir Cloud, you yourself are a knight, and I am married now!"

"But your country needs you!" Laura was just watching them.

"Um, what's going on, Vincent?", asked Laura.

"The war has gotten worse. They need me. I will return my love!", he said running off, hopping onto a white horse, and pulled out a gleaming sword, and rode off. Laura just stood there with her mouth open.

"DON'T EXPECT TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER, AFTER PULLING THIS STUNT!", she called angrily. He looked back, and threw her a blood red rose that landed at her feet. "Or not. That was pretty.", said Laura, picking up the rose. "MAYBE NOT!", she back. He took one look back and flashed a smile of perfect, white teeth. "OKAY! NOW WE'RE DEFINITELY GONNA LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!"

"So Tifa.", said Zack, with empty blue eyes. "Where is Aeris?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know?", said Tifa. "You're the only person I've seen here."

"And I guess I shall never see her again."

"And why not? If I'm guessing correctly, this is a hallucination. I can just think of her, and POOF! She's here. Wait. Why ARE you here?"

"I need to see Aeris. You need to talk to her."

"And WHY?! That's what I've been asking!"

"Because I love YOU, Tifa!"

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Before Tifa could say anything else, Zack was swiftly making out with her.

"Tifa?" Cloud was behind her. Watching. "What are you doing?"

"Cloud. . .", mumbled Tifa, in the waking world, so Aeris could hear.

"How did I know she would say that?", said Aeris, sighing, and giving Tifa some medication, and applying Cure, which cooled her fever a little. "Get better. I need all the help I can get."

"OH YEAAAAHH!", said Rachel, being lifted up by all the shirtless men in her dream. "I'M LIKIN' THIS!" They put her on to an altar, and genuflected again.

"MY LADY!", the all said. "THIS IS IN HONOR OF THE GODDESS OF BEAUTY! PLEASE UNDERSTAND!"

"Wait. Goddess of beauty?", said Rachel.

"YOU ARE THE ONLY THING WORTHY TO GIVE HERE IN HER NAME!"

"And what IS her name?"

"TIFA!"

"And let me guess. I'm the sacrifice?"

"YOU ARE CORRECT! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, AND INTELLIGENT, MY LADY!"

"So, I'm gonna be set on fire, to be her sacrifice, AND not only is it gonna be painful, I'll be dead. Right?"

"CORRECT!"

"Aw, shit."

"Where am I?", asked Vincent.

"With me!" Laura popped up next to him.

"AH! DEMON CHILD! REMOVE YOURSELF FROM MY PRESENCE!", he ordered.

"Oh, Vinnie-poo.", she cooed. "You know why we're here!"

"We're not married, are we?", he asked, with dread.

"No Vinnie, we're not.", she said gently, hugging him.

"PHEW!"

"WE'RE SECRET LOVERS!"

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!", he shouted to the sky.

"YES MY MINIONS!", shouted Yuffie, to her army, in a tank, wearing armor studded in materia. "WE ARE TO CONQUER THE WORLD!"

"Empress Yuffie!", said one soldier, running up next to the tank. "We have news! Midgar had fallen, Empress Yuffie! Only one power is left to stop us!"

"And that is, MAJOR Miyozaki?", said Yuffie with a wide smile. The soldier at his heightened rank smiled and said, "The armies of Evil General Rachel!"

"Wait. WHAT?!"

"Ahhhhhh. . !", mumbled Vincent, with Aeris in the room. She looked at him awkwardly.

"I know the medicine I gave you tasted like crap, but you don't have to yell at me about it.", she said. She walked to the next room. "Okay Laura, how are you holding up?"

"I will. . .find you. . .Vinnie. . .", she muttered.

"Figures. . ."

"CLOUD!", said Tifa in surprise, breaking off the lip attack from Zack.

"Cloud. . .!", mumbled Tifa. Aeris overheard, and walked in.

"Tifa, what's going on?", asked Cloud.

"It wasn't what you think!"

"You mean you WEREN'T just having a friendly talk with him like I thought, and you were making out with him, like my last notion?"

"Um!"

"And did our relationship mean nothing?!"

"What relationship? I wanted one Cloud, but you reduced it to sex every other night!", shouted Tifa.

"Cloud. . .sex every other night. . .", mumbled Tifa. Aeris, hearing this, lifted her eyebrows.

"And now I now what game you're playing, Cloud Strife.", said Aeris, with a serious look on her face, and biting on her lip.

"And what about everything else?", said Cloud.

"What do you mean? The occasional slap on the butt? Cloud, there IS nothing else!", said Tifa, almost trying to spell it out for him. "This is what we have been reduced to! Get it! AND I WASN'T MAKING OUT WITH ZACK! I DON'T EVN KNOW WHY THE HELL HE'S HERE! WHERE ARE WE ANYWAY?!"

"We are in, the Twilight Zone.", said Zack. Cloud and Tifa looked at him. "Er, okay, maybe not. I'll go now." Zack walked off.

"Odd.", said Tifa.

"I WILL FIND YOU VINCENT!", called Laura, dressed in full armor, throwing a dagger into a soldier's heart in the middle of the battlefield, where she was madly searching for Vincent. "Now, where would I find him?", she asked almost cluelessly, hitting a guy in the face with her staff without even looking. "Where?" She was walking and thinking aloud through the battle, slaying the occasional person, while people burned things and killed stuff. "Where?"

"LAURA!" Vincent was on his white horse, and he hoisted her on behind him. He rode to the edge of the battlefield, and they jumped off. "Laura, what are you doing here?"

"Looking for you, duh!", said Laura.

"And now we are here together!", he declared. "Let me show you my gratitude, as well as my burning love!" They kissed. Almost. "GAK!" An enemy soldier stabbed Vincent in the back, and Vincent fell.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!", screamed Laura, turning red. The soldier saw Laura's look of anger, and his terror-stricken eyes widened, and he began to run. "COME BACK HERE! I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!"

"Um, Laura?", said Vincent. "I have Cure materia. Laura?" Laura was busy kicking the guy in the face, and didn't stop until the soldier's face was thoroughly beaten in.

"AND TAKE THIS! YEAH! ARE YOU GOOD NOW?! ARE YA!? HUH?! I CAN'T HERE YOU!"

"LAURA!", said Vincent, calming her down. "I'm fine! Plus, I think he's dead now." Laura spit on the guy's dead body.

"He better be.", she said, sticking out her tongue.

"Now! Back to the kiss!", he declared. And NOW they kissed. Almost.

"Laura?" Lucrecia was shaking her awake. "You're cured! Don't you feel better now?"

"NO! I CAN'T BE WELL! I DIDN'T GET MY HAPPY ENDING YET! CLOUD, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR SORRY ASS!"

"Oh dear sweet Jesus.", said Rachel, tied up to a stake they were putting gasoline on.

"Lithos!", they chanted. "Lusec! Wecos! Vinosec!"

"WRONG VIDEOGAME!", shouted Rachel.

"Oh right. Sorry.", the said.

"Think Rachel! This is your hallucination. Who's gonna save your hide? Vincent is out, Sephiroth is out, and Cloud is out. And Tifa is the maniacal goddess of beauty, but as if I would want her to save me anyway. Who do you love next in line?"

"BRING IN THE TORCH RUNNER!", called a Cloud. A shirtless Sephiroth ran in, carrying a torch, waiting to light Rachel. Until a. . .chocobo ran in?

"MR. WARKSTER! COME TO MY AID!", cried Rachel. All the Clouds, Vincents, and Sephiroths, fell in exasperation.

"DIH!"

"MY SECRET LOVER?!", cried Vincent. "WHAT CRUEL WORLD IS THIS!"

"Yours!", said Laura.

"Wait. WHAT?! Then why has all this happened? All these bad things?!"

"Everybody's world is a deeper display of themselves.", said Laura. "In other words, it shows somewhat of an inner self, while not making sense."

"If you're my secret lover, of COURSE it doesn't make sense."

"No, the pony thing was what didn't make sense. This is a message of something deep within yourself."

"That not only am I crazy, but desperate in the dating world?", said Vincent.

"NO! I'm a figure of your imagination, because, well, you're having delusions, and me and you are supposed to represent something."

"What two different people are like, and we're the comparison?"

"NO! You'll figure it out. Just think of it. You can be dramatic. I can be dramatic. I like you. You had crazy thoughts that you liked me on Halloween."

"HOW DID YOU KNOW?!", he cried.

"I'm part of your mind. I'm not really Laura."

"Oh."

"Are you getting it?"

"No."

"Sigh. Figure it out on your own time. SEE YA!"

"WHAT?!" The world was fading out. "Well, at least I'll die before I figure out why the hell I was her secret lover. Ewww. . ."

"OKAY VINCENT!", said Aeris, and Lucrecia was taking a needle out of him, with the inoculation. "YOU'RE BETTER!"

"Nice to see you again!", said Lucrecia. "I'll go and see the rest."

"I could tell you were having delusions. The rest are, too. What were you thinking?", asked Aeris.

"The worst thing I could ever imagine just happened to me.", he said. "And it wasn't the dream. I get it now. My stupid inner self just told me the ONE thing I never wanted to happen. Excuse me while I shoot myself.", he said, picking up a revolver and setting it to his head.

"WHOA THERE! What did you realize?", asked Aeris.

"I like Laura. Now shoot me.", he said, putting the gun in Aeris' hand. "SHOOT ME NOW! Just don't tell Laura." Aeris just blinked and looked back at him, then rested a hand on his shoulder.

"May God have mercy on your soul."

"I'M NOT LISTENING!", said Tifa, holding a hand up to Cloud. "YOU are the world's biggest man slut!", she said. "I want a REAL relationship, and YOU want sex!"

"WHAT MAN DOESN'T?!"

"But THEY can handle a relationship! YOU can't! And YOU are probably the primary reason why I'm all tensed up! YOU are making me miserable! And while we're not in the real world, I know how I can settle all this aggression!"

"Is it going to be painful?", he asked in a small voice.

"VERY.", she said with a malicious smile. "HOLD STILL!"

"YEEEEEEK!", Cloud screamed like a three year old girl on helium.

"Tifa?" Lucrecia was standing above her. "Who's ass are you going to kick? It sounded like you were angry."

"Huh?", said Tifa, sitting up. "NOW I KNOW WHY I'VE BEEN SO ANGRY LATELY! LET ME AT HIM!"

"Whoa! You're still a little woozy! Get some rest! Kick his um, ass in the morning."

"Fine. . ."

"What? Now where am I?", asked Cloud. Tifa was standing frozen behind him, her eye were completely still. Aeris was praying on a familiar altar. He was confronted with it again. Her death. "Aw shoot. Not again!", he said. But this time, there was another Cloud. This was just a memory." He saw himself walk forward and pause, then lift his sword. "NO YOU BUFFOON!", he yelled. "SHE'S GONNA DIE!" but nobody could hear him. Nobody could see him. Aeris looked up. Her eyes with hope instilled within them. And she was stabbed.

"NO!", he yelled. The world began to fade, and he could see Sephiroth's sword sticking through her. She couldn't even fall to the ground. She hung suspended from his sword, like a lifeless puppet. "NO!"

"Aeris. . .", he muttered in his sleep. Aeris was sitting at his bedside, waiting for Lucrecia to come. "I love you." He head turned, and once again, had this expression that he was acting weird. But she smiled nevertheless.

"I love you, too. Just get better. Lucrecia!", she called. Lucrecia came running down with a needle in hand.

"I'm coming, I'm coming. Here.", she stuck him with the needle, and right after she injected him, he jumped up screaming.

"AHHHH! NEEDLE! GET IT OUT!" The needle was still stuck in his arm. "GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT ,GET IT OUUUUUTTT!", she screeched.

"HOLD ON!" Lucrecia took it out.

"I hate needles.", he said, rubbing his arm. Lucrecia went upstairs again.

"YES MR. WARKSTER! THAT'S RIGHT! JUST WORK AT IT!" Mr. Warkster was pecking away at the ropes and freed Rachel. Rachel hopped on him, and began a daring escape from um, wherever she was.

"GET HER!", cried the torch runner.

"THIS IS ONE FREAKY DREAM!", shouted Rachel, watching the hordes of shirtless bishonen try and catch her. But the speed of the gold chocobo was too much.

"YESSSSSSSS!", cried Rachel, hopping out of the bed, almost hitting Lucrecia.

"AHH! Hold on child!", said Lucrecia.

"Huh? Mr. Warkster?", said Rachel, looking around.

"He's right there.", said Lucrecia. Rachel was gripping the plushie in her arms.

"Oh."

"YOU ARE GOING DOWN, EVIL GENERAL RACHEL!", yelled Yuffie from her tank. Rachel had this near insane look on her face, standing there silently with her drawn katana at her side, while Yuffie was charging forward in her tank. "FINE! IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO MOVE, I WILL RUN YOU DOWN! WHY AM I YELLLING!?"

The tank was 3 feet away. Rachel did not move. Instead she raised her katana, and gave an evil smile.

"BARRIER!", she yelled, and a clear barrier sprang up to block the tank.

"DE-BARRIER!", shouted Yuffie, to remove the barrier. It worked, but the barrier was just a diversion. Rachel had jumped up, and her katana was inches away from slicing off Yuffie's head.

"LIEDERHOSEN!", yelled Yuffie, waking up. "DARN! I died! I didn't even conquer the world!"

"What?", asked Lucrecia, putting away the needles to throw out. "Conquer the world?"

"Uh, heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh!", laughed Yuffie nervously. "NOTHING!"

"I was worried, you know.", said Aeris.

"I figured.", shrugged Cloud.

"Cocky as ever.", she sighed.

"Cocky? What else could I ever be?"

"Idiot. Moron. Pervert. Man slut. Those come to mind.", said Aeris.

"And what? That's what I am. That's what I do. I don't do anything out of the ordinary. Other than save the world."

"First of all, technically, I saved the world. Next of all, you were talking in your sleep, Cloud.", said Aeris, sitting on the couch.

"Wha? Um did I say anything. . .important?", he asked. She thought for a moment.

"No. Nothing.", she sighed. "Nothing." Tifa's voice came from upstairs.

"CLOUD STRIFE! YOU ARE DEAD!"

Laura: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU SMOKING WHEN YOU WROTE THIS?!

AN3: Sorry. Insomnia drove me to insane measures. But the purpose of this episode was to show inner feelings of the characters, and being in my half conscious state, this is what came out. I apologize if any IQ is missing.

Sadie: MY BRAIN IS FRAGGED!

Meagan: WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!

AN3: Yeah. . . Sorry. I'll try harder next time.

Rachel: YOU BETTER!

Tifa: kicking Cloud's ass

AN3: sweats


	21. Chapter 18: A Cinderella Story

Chapter 18: A Cinderella Story, Auditions

A/N: For all of you new guys, I'd just like to say that the first time this was done, the notes probably made either more or less sense. Next of all, the other characters in this all include ones made by reviewers and such, and since this was an unofficial episode for them to appear, they must ALL be forgotten that they existed, until they get they're own, special introduction. Squaresoft owns all FF7 sources, and LadyTifa26 owns Laura.

* * *

"HEY GUYS! IT WORKED!", shouted Rachel, sitting at Tifa's dinner table.

"What?", asked Tifa. "Are you experimenting with the chocobos and different types of nuts, AGAIN?! I told you, they are not aphrodisiacs!"

"Well, first of all, Mike looked pretty happy to see Nightwind, and next of all, that's not it. I wrote a play!", said Rachel with a happy smile.

"A play?", asked Aeris. "What kind of play? Who'll be starring in it?"

"It's actually a rewrite of Cinderella, and I think it was accepted, because all of YOU will be playing in it!"

"WHAT?!", exclaimed Aeris and Tifa in unison.

"Yep! When I told them that the saviors of the planet would be the actors, he seemed pretty eager!"

"Maybe because he wants the saviors of the planet to make fools of themselves.", said Tifa, taking a sip from her coffee mug. "Where is the play being held?"

"Okay, well, you know where Loveless used to play? In that theater in Midgar? It's there."

"Oh dear. . .", said Aeris, "I forgot something. . ."

"What?", asked Rachel.

"My mom lives there. I forgot to tell her I'm alive again. . ."

"I wouldn't recommend telling her.", said Tifa. "She might have a coronary if she sees you."

"Yeah, Aeris, I wouldn't sweat about it. Come on, we'll tell everybody else."

"REALLY?!", squealed Laura when Rachel told her. "COOLNESS! Who's playing Cinderella?"

"I can't quite tell you. . .", said Rachel with a nervous smile. "And where's Vincent?"

"I'm here."

"WAAAAAAUUUGH!", screamed Rachel. "JESUS! WHY DO YOU DESCEND FROM THE SKY LIKE THAT?!"

"It makes me look mysterious.", said Vincent, brushing himself off.

"Well, PACK YOUR BAGS!", shouted Rachel. "WE'RE GOING!" She grabbed his arm and dragged him towards the Shinra mansion. "LAURA! COME ON!"

"COMING!" She grabbed Vincent's other arm, and practically carried him off by herself.

"We're ready, right?", asked Cloud.

"YEAH!", said everybody else.

"Are you sure I can't bring my portable lab?", asked Lucrecia.

"Just forget about it.", said Cloud.

"Okay, Scruffles, you can't come. . ." Lucrecia set down this Labrador retriever puppy on the ground.

"OH! A DOG!", said Rachel. "I might need him. BRING HIM!"

"AH!", said the owner of the theater when they arrived. "You are here! Where is the one named 'Rachel'?"

"HERE!", said Rachel, waving her hand enthusiastically.

"Good! And I am guessing you are the director/script writer of this play?"

"Yep!"

"Okay! Then this play is going up in a week! Be ready!" The owner waved good-bye, and Rachel turned to the rest of them. "OKAY! Everybody! To the business room!"

They all walked to this room, with a long rectangular table, and chairs lining them, and Rachel sat at the far end, or, the big, cushy leather chair.

"Okay! Now that we're all here. . ." The rest of the party came in, Cid muttering numerous curses under his breath. "We're going to do the cast calls! Everybody, pick a part, and meet me on stage! Any questions?"

"YEAH!", roared Cid. "WHY THE HELL AM I GOING ALONG WITH THIS?!"

"Because I made Shera make sure you come."

"Oh yeah. . ."

"Any more questions?" Everybody's hand flew up. "Any more questions with a particular relevance?" Many hands went down. "Okay! Yeah, Tifa?"

"Couldn't you just take the appropriate characters you need from the original journey to save the planet?", asked Tifa. "I mean, when you refer to the 'game', I'm guessing in your world, there was a videogame made after it, right?"

"FINALLY! ONE OF YOU IS SMART ENOUGH TO GET IT! I could, but it's hard to decide whether you or Aeris should play the part of Cinderella. I mean, I couldn't help but sympathize with both of you in the story. . .", said Rachel, a tear building up. "IT WAS SUCH A MOVING STORY! I LOVED IT! I STILL LOVE IT! AND HERE I AM, WITH THE VERY CHARACTERS IN SUCH A STORY, AND I HAVEN'T DONE EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED TO! EXCUSE ME!" Rachel, in her "anguish", leaned over to her right where Cloud was sitting, and promptly jammed her tongue down his throat, than pushed him back off, throwing him out of his chair, him unconscious from what happened. "THERE! I FEEL BETTER! I CAN CROSS NUMBER TWO OFF OF MY 'TO DO IN FF7 WORLD' LIST!" Everyone just stared. "What? WHAT?!"

"Casting call for the role of the prince!", called Meagan, a stagehand.

"OKAY! BRING IN THE FIRST TRY! AND BRING OUT A CINDERELLA TRYOUT TO REHEARSE THE LINES MORE SMOOTHLY!", shouted Rachel. Vincent walked onstage, wearing a prince costume, and Yuffie was shoved onstage.

"Gah! Hey, don't shove!", said Yuffie. Mike, another stagehand just walked off. "Hmph! And I thought he like me! What's this?" Mike left his number in her pocket. "Hmph!"

"Okay! Begin!", said Rachel, sitting in a seat with a table in front of it with a bunch of papers.

"And what is your name, young maiden with the glass slippers?", asked Vincent, in a smooth voice, that made Laura swoon, and Rachel smile.

"He might be it. . .", said Rachel.

"OH MY GOD!", said Yuffie. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WEIRD YOU SOUND?!" Yuffie was suppressing laughter.

"Yuffie? Your line?", asked Rachel.

"OH YEAH! My name, handsome prince, is Cinderella!", said Yuffie, in a more distressed voice. "But surely, you have no intention to dance with such a homely girl, as I!"

"Oh, but my fair maiden Cinderella. . ." Vincent knelt over and kissed Yuffie's hand, whereas Laura was ready to kill, and Yuffie actually blushed a little. "you are not homely, but are more beautiful than any star in the twilight struck sky."

"OKAY! THAT'S ALL I NEED! BRING IN THE NEXT PERSON FOR THE PRINCE AND CINDERELLA! CLOUD! AERIS!" Cloud strode out, also wearing a prince costume, and Brad was backstage, flirting with Yuffie and Aeris. "AERIS! MOVE IT!"

"Sorry!", said Aeris, running onstage, wearing a gorgeous blue dress and glass slippers. "I'm here!"

"Okay! Start your lines, where the clock strikes midnight!"

"Oh no! It's midnight!", said Aeris, with a lot of distress. "I'm sorry, my prince! I must go!", she said, almost pleading, and began to run, when Cloud took her hand.

"Will I ever see you again, Cinderella?", he said, just as smoothly as Vincent, looking into her eyes, and holding her hand, where she almost froze.

"Maybe! One day, my prince! I must take my leave!" Cinderella ran offstage, leaving behind the glass slipper.

"OKAY! GOOD! Is anybody else trying out for prince? Come on Barret, I know you wanna!"

"FORGET IT!", bellowed Barret from backstage.

"SELENA! MOVE HIM!", ordered Rachel. Selena pulled a pistol out of her boot, and forced Barret onstage. "GOOD!"

"And what if I don't wanna be no $#! prince?!", asked Barret.

"Is there anybody else? I need at least three per part! Brad! Move your tiny hiney out here! Aeris, you stay!"

"Why am I dressed like this?", asked Brad.

"BECAUSE THAT'S THE PRINCE OUTFIT! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FRILLY! START WHERE YOU'RE TRYING ON THE SLIPPER YOU LOST AERIS!"

"Um, uh, hi. . .", said Brad, waving to Aeris, who was blushing a little.

"Why is he like that?", asked Aeris.

"This is one of the finishing scenes. It ends with a kiss.", said Rachel. "Okay Brad, just a stage kiss!"

"Er, you must be the, um, young lady I danced w-with!", said Brad, tugging at his collar. "Woo! Warm in here! Anyway, this slipper fits you perfectly! You are to be the wife I have searched for!"

"My prince! You have found me!", said Aeris, rushing to him, into his arms, and his eyes widened, and there was a hint of a nosebleed.

"Uh, heheh!", laughed Brad nervously. "C-come! We are to be wed!"

"NOW!", yelled Rachel. "CHANGE TO THE SCENE WHERE YOU ARE IN THE CARRIAGE, AFTER THE WEDDING!"

"We shall l-live, happily, um, ever after, my bride!", said Brad, his eyes continuing to get wide. "And remember, it is all because I l-love you!"

"And those are the sweetest words I have ever heard.", said Aeris, burying her face in his chest, and the nosebleed got worse.

"OKAY BRAD! THE KISS!", shouted Rachel. Brad was about to, when he spotted Cloud backstage, motioning with his sword the he'd slice his head off if he did.

"EEK!" Brad looked toward Rachel, who was motioning with her katana that she'd cut his head of if he didn't. "EEK! WELL, I WON'T DIE SAD AND ALONE IF I DO! HERE GOES!" Brad lifted up Aeris' head, and kissed her, Cloud getting very red in the face.

"BRAD! I SAID A STAGE KISS, NOT A FULL BLOWN MAKE OUT SESSION!", called Rachel. Brad looked up, and blushed, with Aeris laughing.

"But I must admit,", said Aeris, through laughter. "that he's not bad!"

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!", said Cloud, whipping out his sword, and chasing after Brad.

"AAAAHHHHHHH!"

"Uheheheheheheheh!", laughed Rachel nervously.

"Cinderella auditions! Okay!", said Rachel, after calming Cloud down, and shuffling through the papers on her desk. "Let's see. Yuffie and Aeris have already had their audition, so, we are now auditioning. . .Tifa, Laura, and. . .Sadie! Gotcha! SADIE! ON STAGE NOW!", yelled Rachel. "Meagan! Move the curtain!" The curtain whipped open, and Sadie was onstage. "And Vincent will be the prince you are practicing with! VINCENT! MOVE YOUR PALE ASS OUT HERE!"

"Yes, my liege. . .", moaned Vincent. "But why? Wouldn't it be easier to just do the auditions for the evil step-sisters and mother now?"

"Yes, but you look pretty good in those pants! Tell you what, if you can get Cloud out here, and get him to twirl around in those pants, you may go."

"It's worth a shot.", shrugged Vincent. "CLOUD! THE DIRECTOR WANTS TO SEE YOU!"

"What now?", asked Cloud.

"Um, you dropped something behind you.", said Rachel. Cloud turned around and bent down. "Excellent. . .", said Rachel, checking out his bum while he bent over, looking for something.

"Are you sure I dropped something?!", asked Cloud.

"Positive! Just a little more to your right!", said Rachel. She watched him scoot over. "Perfect! Front row seat!"

"ALL RIGHT! 1,000 gil!", exclaimed Cloud. "THANKS!"

"Dammit!", shouted Rachel. "Okay! I'm satisfied now! Bring them out!" Sadie was still onstage, and Scarlet stepped out, along with Heideggar and Palmer.

"WHAT THE HELL?!", yelled Rachel. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?!"

"We're auditioning. . .", said Scarlet. "I'm the evil step-mother."

"Well, that fits.", said Rachel. "What are you guys being?"

". . .Step-sisters. . .", sighed Palmer. "Why, Scarlet?"

"You said you needed a job, and this is one! You're incompetent in everything else!", retorted Scarlet.

"BUT WE'RE MEN!", shouted Heideggar.

"No, Palmer is a blimp, and you're a jackass, with a laugh to match.", spat Scarlet. "I'm here because I like to act, and well, Rufus fired you because you're incompetent, blithering philanderers."

"No, Don Corneo is a philanderer.", corrected Palmer.

"Gyahahaha!", laughed Heideggar. Rachel was just watching them fight onstage, with Sadie growing more annoyed.

"GET ON WITH IT!", screamed Sadie. "I CAN'T STAND THE LAUGHING! DIE!"

"SADIE! Aw, nevermind.", said Rachel, watching Sadie beat the crap out of Heideggar. "This is too entertaining to pass up."

"AAAGHHHH!", screamed Heideggar. "MAKE THE PAIN STOP!"

"Fine. . .", sighed Rachel. "Sadie! Look! Meagan! Pull the cord!" Meagan pulled a cord dangling from the ceiling, and Sadie turned around, to watch a banner unfurl.

"SEPHY SAMA!!!", squealed Sadie, running up and hugging it. Meagan ran to it as well.

"Well, she stopped.", said Rachel. "I guess that's a good thing. Are you okay Heideggar? Aw hell, I don't care about his well being! Is there anybody else?!"

"YO!", shouted Scarlet. "DON! MOVE YOUR ASS OUT HERE!"

"What?", asked Don Corneo.

"THAT'S IT!", screamed Sadie. "THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE HERE THAT I HATE! IN THE NAME OF THE ALMIGHTY GOD OF POWER, SEPHIROTH, I WILL ROYALLY KICK YOUR ASS! COME HERE!" Sadie rushed towards Don Corneo and Palmer, beginning to whomp on both of them.

"Pass the popcorn, Meagan.", said Rachel, as Meagan took a seat next to her.

"NOW!", said Rachel. "WE NEED TO DO THESE AUDITIONS RIGHT! NO MORE FOOLING AROUND!"

"But Rachel," said Red. "it was your idea to order the Chinese."

"I'M HUNGRY! SO SUE ME! AUDITIONS START NOW! Sadie, first of all, sorry, you didn't make it, because I'm afraid in case we have a critic in the audience, you'll burst and kill them."

"No, that would be ME.", said Mike.

"Either way, we don't need a murder on our hands! Now, Laura, you practice with Vincent, and you Tifa, practice with Cloud. And no sexual innuendoes implied!"

"Awww. . .", moaned Laura.

"Whatever.", said Tifa.

"WHAT?!", exclaimed Cloud.

"It's over Cloud!", said Tifa. "Must I spell it out for you?!""

"Mmmm. . .", whined Cloud.

"Okay! Tifa's audition! Start at where you and Cloud are dancing! Mao! Mao diddy mao!"

"I'm not used to dancing.", said Tifa, to Cloud, resting her head on his shoulders as they danced.

"It doesn't matter. Just follow me.", said Cloud, whispering it in her ear.

"Yep. He's a good prince.", said Rachel.

"I like Vincent better.", said Meagan.

"You like men with long hair, don't you?"

"Only if it's done right.", said Meagan. "If not, they look stupid."

"Agreed."

"Where are you from?", asked Cloud. "I haven't seen you before. I should think from the way you're dressed, you have quite a sum of money."

"Well, actually, my lord-!" The bell tolled midnight.

"OKAY! NOW BRING OUT LAURA AND VINCENT!"

"WHEEEE!" Laura was dragging out Vincent, who resisted as much as he could.

"I DON'T WANNA!", complained Vincent.

"I KNOW YOU LOVE ME VINNIE! COME ON!", pleaded Laura.

"NO!", said Vincent.

"PLEASE!?"

"FORGET IT!"

"Please, Vinnie?", asked Laura, batting her eyelashes.

"Well. . ."

"Please?" She put her nose close to his face, and fondled with his hair almost sexually.

"Uh, well. . ." Vincent was turning a brilliant red. "Um, uh, buh, guh, wuh. . ." He was lost for words. She traced her finger on his chest, and kissed him on the lips very briefly.

"Now?"

". . .if you insist. . .AGH!" He was being dragged onto the stage.

"GOODY! COME ON!"

"WHY?! WHY DID I SAY 'YES'?!"

"BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME!"

"Eeee. . .", he whined, just like Cloud.

"Okay!", shouted Rachel. "Start back at where both of you are introducing yourselves. Aeris, give him the revised lines." Rachel handed her the paper, and she passed it off to Vincent.

"These are the lines?", asked Vincent. "Why?"

"Well, instead of calling you just prince, it would be better if you introduced yourself. Just say your name in the line, and that's all that's changed. GO!"

"And what, praytell, is your name, young maiden with the glass slippers? Laura? Hello?" Laura had blanked out at these words.

"Um, Vincent? Too smooth.", said Rachel, with a sweat mark.

"I see. . .", said Vincent. Laura's eyes were completely blank. "MEDIC!"

"Where's Rachel?", asked Aeris, in the director's office, when Tifa walked in.

"She's having the auditions for who's playing the king and the advisor and stuff. It's not going well. Cid's auditioning to be the king."

"AND WHAT THE HELL IS MY &#! MOTIVATION?!", asked Cid.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!", yelled Rachel. "READ YOUR LINES! IT'S BEEN AN HOUR SINCE YOU GOT ON STAGE!"

"AND WHY THE HELL AM I TRYING TO BE THE KING?! WHAT'S MY DAMN PURPOSE, WOMAN!?"

"AAAHHHHHHH!"

"Okay guys, I have done some serious thinking, and I have your roles.", said Rachel, her eyes bloodshot and her voice very tired.

"OOH! LEMME SEE!", said Laura. Everybody clamored for the list.

"WHAT?!"

AN3: HAHA! GOTTA WAIT!

Laura: You're evil, you know that?

AN3: And what's wrong with evil? Somebody's got to be it.

Aeris: Is there gonna be a cast party?

AN3: YOU BET! EVERYBODY INCLUDING RESUME PEOPLE! BACKSTAGE! PARTY!

three hours later

Everybody: HIC! ::on the floor, drunk::

AN3: ::in slurred voice:: SHEE YA' NEXSHT TIME! HIC!


	22. Chapter 18 p2: A Cinderella Story, Rehea...

Chapter 18 p.2: A Cinderella Story, Rehearsals

AN3: This is the second chapter I've started today. Well, the more reviews I get, the faster I write this story! Okay! FF7 is owned by Squaresoft, and Laura is owned by LadyTifa 26! GOT IT?!

* * *

"GIMME BACK THE PAPER!", yelled Rachel. "But yeah, here are your parts! Cid, you are NOT the king. Reeve, you are.

"Fine with me.", said Reeve.

"And Tifa, you didn't quite make it as princess, so you are the court advisor."

"Whatever.", said Tifa.

"Um, Scarlet?"

"What?", asked Scarlet.

"Were you having a slapping rematch with Tifa? Forget it, she won back on the Sister Ray."

"I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!", shouted Scarlet.

"Anyway, you are the evil step-mother, as well as Heideggar and Palmer. Don Corneo, you're the understudy for either of them. And yeah, this is gonna be great. YOU TWO ARE PLAYING WOMEN!"

"Shut up. . .", said Palmer. "Just no polyester in the dress. It chafes my skin. . ."

"Yeah. . .", said Rachel. "Anyway, Yuffie, let's see. . . Deciding your part was hard. . . Oh well, you can be the ninja/messenger who invites the people and maybe any other part."

"Right-o!", said Yuffie.

"Aeris, you are Cinderella."

"Hey! Cool!", said Aeris. "But Tifa was pretty good, too."

"Yeah, but I figured you would look more pitiful."

"Oh."

"YEAH! Moving on, Barret, you are the driver of the carriage. Which means. . ."

"What?"

"Since this is the Disney version, that means you are a mouse in the beginning. . ."

"A MOUSE?!"  
"Sorry dude! That's all I got!"

"Grrr. . ."

"Lucrecia, as I understand, you are working on the set?"

"Yep!", said Lucrecia. "That's me! I'm already working on the lights and stuff."

"Okay then. Sadie, you'll be working with her. And you too, um. . .Konoshi?"

"Yeah, that's me.", said a girl in a black tank top with a pink heart in the middle, and silver hair with pink highlights.

"You are working on the set. You will be working with Holly. . ."

"Yo.", waved a girl in the back, who was drawing something.

"What are you doing?"

"Here." Holly handed over the piece of paper, and when Rachel saw it, her eyes widened, and hid it in her pocket.

"HEHEH! YES! WELL!", said Rachel loudly.

"What was that?", asked Cloud.

"NOTHING FOR YOU TO SEE!"

"GIVE ME IT!" Cloud wrestled her for it, and finally took it from her pocket. "WHOA! Um, that's supposed to be bigger.", said Cloud, pointing to a part of the paper.

"What was that?", asked Aeris in a whisper. Rachel whispered back.

"Nude Cloud pic. BUT ONCE AGAIN! MOVING ON! Holly, you are working with Selena and Konoshi, and maybe with Surka. Those are the stagehands. Back on to the characters in the story, Red, you are the step-sister's cat."

"DEMEANING!", said Red. "I'm smarter than most of you here!"

"TOO BAD! YOU LOOK A LOT LIKE A CAT, SO YOU ARE! And, drum roll please, the role of the prince! Now, I actually think both of you did an equal job.", said Rachel. "So, who looks more like a prince? Who thinks Vincent?" Five hands went up. "Why? Yuffie?"

"Well, it's the long black hair. Makes him look almost elegant, if not feminine.", said Yuffie.

"Feminine?! What do you mean?!", asked Vincent.

"It's sorta true.", said Laura. "He uses Pantene Pro-V."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW?!"

"I WENT THROUGH YOUR BATHROOM! NINJA!", she said, taking a ninja stance.

"Anybody else have an opinion? Konoshi?"

"Looks like Sephiroth, kinda."

"Okaaaaay. . . Anybody else? Anybody other than Laura, whom we all know loves?"

"Awww. . .", moaned Laura.

"Now, who votes Cloud?" Nine hands went up.

"Okay? Why, other than the obvious?", asked Rachel.

"HE LOOKS LIKE A GOD!", shouted Holly.

"Like I said, OTHER than the obvious."

"Well, the physique is nice.", said Aeris. "And you know the amount of gel he puts in his hair has to be expensive to keep it like that, so he'd have to be rich."

"Good, good! Anybody else?" Holly was jumping up and down. "Anybody? Come on! Fine. . .Holly."

"MOST OF THE GIRLS HERE LIKE CLOUD!"

"Actually, no. Most here like Sephiroth. Including me. But I DO love Cloud more. The hair makes him look less like a woman. So, since I guess I feel like it, CLOUD IS THE PRINCE! Vincent, you are the understudy."

"Fine with me.", said Vincent. "It'd be awkward kissing Aeris anyway. Besides, I know Cloud would try and kill me if I did."

"No doubts there. . .", said Cloud.

"And as for Brad and Mike, you take care of the hecklers and critics."

"My pleasure. . .", said Mike, cracking his knuckles and brandishing a gun.

"No prob.", said Brad, sharpening his shurikens.

"Am I forgetting anybody. . .Cid, you are the understudy for the king. . .Laura, you are the understudy for the court advisor. . ."  
"Why not Cinderella?"

"Because you look more like Tifa than Aeris. ANYBODY ELSE?!"

"What about you?", asked Cloud.

"I'm the director, DUH. I have to run this thing."

"Then we're doomed. . .", sighed Vincent.

"Ha, ha, Mr. Funny man. Don't make me make you the Fairy Godmother."

"Who IS, the fairy godmother?", asked Aeris.

"Pffff! Okay, Laura! Fairy Godmother!"

"But I'm younger than Aeris! How can I be her godmother?!"

"Fairies work in mysterious ways. . . YOU! GODMOTHER! OKAY! LET'S REHEARSE!"

"Okay, we are rehearsing the entrance of the fairy godmother! RELEASE THE SMOKE!" Meagan pulls another rope, and a hose releases a blue fog, that sweeps over the stage.

"HACK!", coughed Laura. "WHAT IS THIS EVIL CLOUD OF. . .EVIL!?"

"FAIRY GODMOTHERS DO NOT CHOKE!", yelled Rachel. "REDO THIS!"

"OKAY! AGAIN! RELEASE THE SMOKE!", ordered Rachel. The smoke was released again, and this time, there was no coughing. "GOOD! Wait. TAKE THAT OFF!" Laura was onstage, wearing a gas mask. "FAIRY GODMOTHERS DO NOT NEED GAS MASKS!"

"I AM A SPECIAL FAIRY GODMOTHER!", yelled Laura.

"YEAH, THE GODMOTHER OF BIOLOGICAL WARFARE! TAKE IT OFF!"

"Mean. . ."

"AHEM! RELEASE THE SMOKE!", Rachel demanded again. "WE HAVE TO GET THIS RIGHT!" Instead of coughing, giggling was heard. "What now. . .?", sighed Rachel. "HEY! THAT IS NOT WHAT SMOKE IS FOR! IT IS NOT A PRIVACY VEIL!" Laura was pinning down Vincent to the back wall, and he had this look of terror on his face.

"Huh?", said Laura. "Oops. . ."

"NO MAKING OUT WITH UNDERSTUDIES! I need a Tylenol. . .", groaned Rachel, putting her head down on the desk. "Why. . .?"

"START THE BEGINNING! KAMI! YOU ARE THE NARRATOR!" Kami looked down from the catwalk, and ran to a microphone. "START THE INTRO!" The lights are dimmed, and a spotlight shines down on Aeris, who is quietly sweeping the floor in a tattered dress.

"AHEM!", coughed Kami. "There once was a- SCREEEEEEECH!" The microphone was busted. "Um, named Cinde-SCREEEEECH!-rella and-SCREEEEEEECH!"

"AGH!", yelled Rachel, clasping her ears. "IT BURNS! MAKE IT STOP!" Everybody else was holding their ears, except Konoshi, who was wearing ear muffs.

"HAHA! HEY!" Konoshi was laughing at Holly, who was standing right next to the microphone, and she took his ear muffs and ran off with them. "GIVE THOSE BACK!"

"FIX THAT MICROPHONE!"

"OKAY! LET'S DO THIS AGAIN!", shouted Rachel. Aeris was still onstage, and they began the scene again.

"There once was a neglected young girl named Cinderella.", said Kami. "who lived in the kingdom of Osterland, and-wha?" CREEEEK! The set behind Aeris was beginning to fall.

"What the-?", said Aeris. "AHHHHHH! OW!" Aeris made a run for it, but it was too far gone, and she was crushed. "Cure! Ah! Better!" She crawled out from underneath.

"Um, Sadie?", asked Rachel. "What was that?"

"GET BACK HERE!", yelled Kami, chasing after Holly with the ear muffs. "THOSE ARE MINE!"

"GOTTA CATCH ME! HAHA!", laughed Holly.

"GRRRR!"

"Okay, now that THAT has been fixed. . .",. said Rachel, watching Vincent tie both of them up with rope. "We will now do the scene where Laura ascends, and takes her leave after helping Cinderella! Laura! Do you have the cords on?"

"They're giving me a wedgie .", said Laura, tugging on them.

"Yeah, well nobody said they'd be comfortable! Start the scene!"

"Good luck, Cinderella!", said Laura. "And remember, be back by midnight!"

"Thank you fairy godmother!", said Aeris, waving.

"PULL THE CORD!", yelled Rachel.

"OKAY!", said Laura.

"NO! NOT YOU!"

"GAAAAAHHHH!" Laura yanked on the cord as hard as she could, pulling down Sadie who was the one who had to operate the machine to hoist her. "Ow! Huh?" The machine was tipping over the edge. "AAHHHHH! OUCH!" Laura, Sadie, and now the machine were piled in a heap on the stage. "Cure. . .3. . .", mumbled Laura from under the weight. "Ow. . ."

"PULL THE CORD, SADIE!", yelled Rachel, after they were healed. "Sadie?" Sadie was sitting by the machine, reading a magazine.

"What's going on?", asked Laura, who was just standing there.

"SADIE!", bellowed Rachel. "MOVE IT!"

"Huh! OH YEAH!", realized Sadie. "HOLD ON TO YOUR SHORTS!"

"What? BLAAAAAAAAGH!" Sadie had hoisted her up to fast, and Laura was sent flying. "AAGH! LET ME DOWN!"

"WORKING ON IT!", yelled Sadie. "OKAY!"

"DAH!" Laura landed flat on her face. "M-medic. . .PLEASE. . ."

"DO I HAVE TO!?"

"Yes Cloud, you do.", said Rachel, dragging him onto the set. "Laura is injured, and one more will put her out of commission. YOU ARE TESTING THIS! PUT ON THE CORDS!"

"Fine. . .", sighed Cloud. He put on the cords and waist-thingy that goes on there.

"SADIE! PULL!", yelled Rachel.

"GOT IT!" SHOOF!

"Why is it drafty in here?", asked Cloud. A few catcalls were heard, and Holly blew a whistle.

"Um, Cloud?", said Rachel. "I don't think you put the waist on right. Your pants. . ."

"Huh? AGH!" He looked down, and everybody could see his pink chocobo boxers.

"Let's do the scene with the prince, the king, and the advisor.", said Rachel. "BRING EM' OUT!" Reeve, Cloud, and Tifa walked on.

"HOLD ON!", yelled Yuffie, looking really distressed, and jumping down from the catwalk. "WHERE'S THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER?!"

"Er, if you don't my me asking, WHY?!", asked Rachel.

"You see, Laura was with Vincent in the back. . ."

"I can see where this is going. . .", mumbled Rachel.

"And Laura said something, and accidentally cast Fire. . .3", said Yuffie.

"I KNEW IT WAS BAD TO GIVE HER MASTERED MATERIA!", said Tifa.

"Um, Tifa?", said Cloud.

"What?" Cloud was pointing up, with a nervous expression. "The ceiling. . ."

"Huh? WAUGH! ICE3!" The ceiling was on fire, and was about to collapse. And it began. . .snowing.

"Tifa,", said Reeve. "Never point up and cast Ice. It causes snow."

"WHEEE!", squealed Rachel, running up to the stage. "SNOW!" She began making snow angels onstage.

"YAY!" Laura ran up, and began making a snowball. "THINK FAST, VINNIE!"

"What? AAH!" Laura hurled the snowball and hit him in the face. Directly.

"HEY MIKE!", yelled Sadie. "THIS IS FOR TRYING TO SHOOT ME! HIYAH!" Sadie jammed snow down Mike's pants.

"AHHHHHH! NOT THE FRONT! NOT THE FRONT! OH SWEET JESUS!", yelled Mike. "NOT COOL! NOT COOL!"

"Awww, no more snow. . .", said Rachel.

"And all this because our director is a child. . .", said Vincent, shaking his head.

"Shut up! Anyway, I think you all should know, that opening night is this Friday. Do we all have our lines memorized?" Everybody nodded. "Is everything fixed?"

"Well, there's still a hole in the ceiling.", said Sadie. "And the lifter machine is busted."

"Konoshi hit Holly over the head with the microphone, so that's not working.", said Kami. Konoshi and Holly were standing beside each other, glaring angrily.

"And the fog machine is wearing out.", said Megan. "And Surka is trying to unfreeze the floor with Selena."

"DAMN YOU EVIL FLOOR!", shouted Surka. "UNFREEZE, DAMMIT!" Selena was watching, with a sweat mark.

"Well Lucrecia?", asked Rachel. "What about the lights?"

"I think they're good to go!", called Lucrecia from the catwalk. "Here!"

"AGH!", yelled Rachel, the spotlight right on her. "WHAT KIND OF LIGHT IS THAT?!"

"Halogen", said Lucrecia. "Why?"

"TOO BRIGHT! IT BURNS!"

"Sorry." Lucrecia turned the light off.

"Blind. . .", said Rachel, rubbing her eyes. "Anyway, are all the costumes done?"

"Of course.", said Reeve. "We're wearing them."

"GRAVY THEN! So, all we have to do is fix this place up a bit, and we should be fine!"

"How many tickets have been sold?", asked Laura.

"ALL OF THEM!", said Rachel. "It seems people like this story. . . Oh, and the president is gonna be here, too. And yes, the Turks are his guards for him, so Reno and the others will be here, too."

"RENO!", squealed Selena, Surka, and Konoshi.

"Yeah. . .", said Rachel. "Pretty much all the bishonen will be present. SO DESPITE THAT, STAY FOCUSED!"

"But you said it!", said Selena. "All the bishies will be there! How will we focus with all the pretty men?!"

"Okay. You said 'pretty men'. That's a little odd.", said Rachel. "And just think that if they love your performance, they'll love you!"

"But we're stage crew.", said Sadie. "AND I LIKE SEPHIROTH! HOW IN HELL IS HE GONNA SEE ME?!"

"Fine. . .", said Rachel. "You can have the gi-normous banner of Sephiroth back there."

"SQUEE! SEPHY SAMA!", squealed Sadie.

"Yeah, and for the rest of you Sephy fans. . .", said Rachel, talking to all the girls wearing a "We love Sephiroth" tee shirt with him posing shirtless on it. "First of all, I knew I shouldn't have given you those shirts. Next of all, you can have a banner like that. JUST STAY FOCUSED!"

"GOTCHA BOSS!", they all said, saluting.

"Boss?", asked Laura. "Why boss?"

"I like boss! What's wrong with boss?!", asked Rachel.

"Sigh. . ."

"OKAY! TODAY'S THE LAST DAY!", said Rachel, two days later from the Fire3 incident. "Now that everything is fixed, and everybody knows their lines, is there anything that needs a run through?"

"We never did our part.", said Palmer. "Sadie kept locking us in the broom closet!"

"I'm surprised you FIT in the broom closet, you gelatinous oaf.", said Sadie. "Next of all, it was your fault! I bait you with cheesecake, and you follow! I can't believe you! HOW SUSPICIOUS IS CHEESECAKE IN A BROOM CLOSET?! I MEAN, COME ON?!"

"Well, madam meany-pants," said Palmer. "that was damn good cheesecake! And it looked good, too! I couldn't resist something like that!"

"I could.", said Rachel. "I don't like cheesecake."

"HEATHEN!", said Palmer, pointing a fat finger at her. "SHE DENIES THE CAKE OF CHEESINESS!"

"Shut up.", said Scarlet.

"GYAHAHAHA!", laughed Heideggar.

"Is it any wonder Rufus fired you?", asked Scarlet. "Other than the fact you and Palmer kept raiding the company fridge?"

"Why do you hurt my feelings. . .", said Heideggar. "IT'S NOT NICE!"

"Calm down, Heidi. . .", said Palmer. "She didn't mean it, did you Scarlet?"

"I meant it with every fiber of my being. . .", said Scarlet coldly.

"WAAHH!", cried Heideggar.

"I'm just gonna walk away. . .", said Rachel.

"I'm coming, too.", said Laura.

"Don't forget us!", said the rest.

"WAAAAAAAHHH!"

Keo: So that's it?

Rachel: YES INDEED!

AN3: Heh! I'm surprised anybody is even reading these author's notes. . . Anyway, opening night is the next chapter! What will happen. . .?

Sadie: And how much am I getting paid to be a stagehand?

AN3: Uh. . .

Meagan: Me, too?!

AN3: Well. . .

Brad: Are we even getting paid?

AN3: Well, you didn't demand any money! You just gave me a resume, and POOF! Here you are! And don't ask for money! I already have your permission!

Resume people: Awwww. . .

Tifa: So next time, we publicly humiliate ourselves, right?

AN3: YOU GOT IT!

Keo: And shouldn't my name in here be LadyTifa26? That IS my pen name. . .

AN3: Meh. It's just easier to call you Keo. And besides, what if I called myself Rachel, like my actual name? You wouldn't be able to tell me and the other one apart!

Keo: Nah. You're the one in the black shirt, and Rachel is wearing the white one.

AN3: I mean BESIDES that.

Keo: Oh. But Rachel's hair is up, and yours is down, PLUS, you're the one with the script in your hand.

AN3: Excuse me. leaves comes back in wearing a white shirt and hair up no script How about now?

Keo: It says your name right there. points to paper

AN3: I GIVE UP!

Keo: PLUS, Rachel has-

AN3: I ALREADY GAVE UP! SHEESH! DROP IT ALREADY! JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR ALTERNATE EARTH!

Cid: Pfff. . .as if THAT is gonna happen. . .

AN3: growls


	23. Chapter 18 p3: A Cinderella Story, Openi...

Chapter 18 p.3: A Cinderella Story, Opening Night

A/N: I AAAAAAAAAAAAACHE! LET'S GET THIS OVERWITH! YOU KNOW WHAT OWNS YOU KNOW WHO AND YOU KNOW SHE OWNS YOU KNOW WHAT'S CHARACTER! ....THAT didn't make sense to me, but if you read it a few times, you'll get it. I promise. ....Not really.

* * *

"Is everybody ready? We're going on in a half hour!", shouted Rachel.

"Rachel, where's my costume?", asked Aeris.

"OH MY GOD!", shouted Rachel. "YOU ARE THE STAR OF THE WHOLE, DAMN PRODUCTION, AND ALL YOU HAVE IS YOUR MAKE-UP ON?! By the way, the make-up looks good."

"I'm not wearing any."

"THEN PUT SOME ON! YOU LOOK HIDEOUS!", yelled Rachel. "HERE!" Rachel grabbed Aeris' costume from a rack of clothing.

"This is my old dress from AVALANCHE!"

"IT'S PERFECT! IT'S ALREADY TATTERED!", said Rachel.

"It has a blood stain where the stomach is, and a hole.", said Aeris.

"PFFFF! WE'LL CLEAN IT!"

"Rachel?", asked Selena. "Where is Reno?!"

"GET BACK TO WORK!", screamed Rachel. "IT'S OPENING NIGHT! WE HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO! GO AND CHECK THE LIGHTING WITH LUCRECIA! WHERE IN HELL IS SURKA?!"

"Here boss!", said Surka, running up. "Whatcha need?"

"I need an aspirin. . .", moaned Rachel. "I'm fourteen, and I'm running a sold out show! AND THE PRESIDENT IS HERE! AND HE'S HOT!"

"Double whammy!", said Meagan. "Okay boss, here's the aspirin. . ."

"Sigh, thanks. . . YOU ARE OFFICIALLY SECOND IN CHARGE!"

"WOOHOO!", shouted Meagan.

"Lighting's good, boss!", said Holly, reporting. "And Lucrecia checked them all!"

"Good. . .", said Rachel, walking over to the stars' dressing rooms. Show business sucks. . .Laura, how are you doing?"

"FINE!", said Laura. "But is this dress supposed to be this. . .frilly" Laura stepped out, in what looked like a frilly tutu. "I mean, I know I'm a fairy, but PUH-LEESE!"

"Sorry, blame the costume maker. Where IS Kyoko anyway?"

"How should I know?", asked Laura. "I need to finish. See ya'!" Rachel walked along the hall where they were, and heard a little bit of whining.

"Palmer? Are you okay?", asked Rachel, knocking on the door.

"I SAID NO POLYESTER!", yelled Palmer, busting open the door.

"OW!" Rachel was hit with the door. "What? OH MY GOD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Shut up. . .", grumbled Palmer. He was wearing a pink dress, and his skin was a little red and chafed. "But this is not nice!"

"OOOH!", yelled Rachel, red from laughing. "HAHA! Wooooh. . . Anyway, that's all we have. Put some powder on that rash, will ya? You're going to scare the little children in the audience."

"Mmmmm. . .", grumbled Palmer. "There better be cheesecake in that closet. . ."

"Oooogh. . .", somebody moaned. Rachel walked by, and Cloud was clutching his stomach.

"CLOUDY!", yelled Rachel. "YOU CAN'T DIE! I WON'T LET YOU!"

"Get. . .away. . .", said Cloud. "I'll. . .be fine. . ."

"You better.", said Rachel. "You're the prince! But if you can't-

"NO!", protested Cloud. "VINCENT WILL NOT KISS AERIS!"

"Dead set on that, aren't you?", asked Rachel nervously. "But remember, I can't have you sick! Do you need a potion or something?"

"Maybe. . .", he said, guzzling one. "Ugh. Here, I'll just take an X-potion or an antidote before I go on, okay?"

"Fine. . . And wish me luck, I'm going to check up on Tifa."

"Why should I?", asked Cloud, drinking a bit more potion. "Mmm, strawberry. . ."

"She's having her. . .yeah.", said Rachel. "Hope I live. . ."

"Heheheheh. . .", laughed Sadie, holding a plate of cheesecake, walking along the catwalk towards the broom closet. She swung off the catwalk, and left only her legs on there, dangling. "Thank you Yuffie, for the ninja lessons!" She lowered the cheesecake onto the floor, and locked the door, leaving it slightly ajar. "THIS NEVER GETS OLD!"

"Tifa?", asked Rachel, walking cautiously into Tifa's dressing room. "Tifa?" Dead silence. Heart pounding, she continued on. "Tifa? WHOA!" She saw a curtain rustle, but figured it was the wind. And all of a sudden, she heard breathing from. . .somewhere.

"RRAAARRRRGH!" A brown-haired beast jumped out from behind the dressing curtain, looking slightly. . .like Tifa? Adrenaline rushing to her head, Rachel stepped closer.

"Tifa?" Tifa looked up, looking a little ill. "Are you sick?"

"Uhhhhhh. . .", moaned Tifa. "A little. . ."

"Don't take this personally, but you look like shit. Or, Heideggar first thing in the morning, constipated."

"That bad, huh?"

"Oh yeah. Here, take this." Rachel handed Tifa a HP-plus materia, an X-potion, and a remedy. "You don't have an understudy, so you need this. But it's all I have, SO MAKE SURE IT WORKS!"

"How are you so sure?", asked Tifa, putting on her gloves, and sticking in the materia.

"Um, let's say it worked on me around that time. . .", said Rachel, rolling her eyes a bit.

"Ah."

"OOOOOH!", said Palmer, looking into the closet. Sadie was hanging around closely on the bottom of the catwalk, stifling her laughter. "CHEESECAKE!"

"MINE!", said Holly, hitting Palmer out of the way.

"Oh crap.", said Sadie.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Konoshi hit Holly out of the way, and dove in, closing the door.

"Hoo boy. . .", sighed Sadie. "I'm gonna pay for this. . ."

"Barret, it's not so bad.", said Rachel. "It's not like Eleanor or Dyne is gonna see this. . ."

"BUT MARLENE WILL!", said Barret from inside his dressing room. "I CAN'T LET HER SEE HER FATHER LIKE THIS!"

"Barret, she's like what, 3? 5? She'll like it."

"Okay, come in then." Rachel opened the door, and was stopped dead by what her eyes saw and her mind tried to fathom. Barret. IN A MOUSE SUIT!

"WOOOOOOOH!", shouted Rachel, going into a fit of laughter. "NICE SUIT, BARRET!", laughed Rachel.

"I'M GONNA KILL THE DESIGNER!", bellowed Barret.

"Don't worry, Cid, Cait Sith, and a few stage hands are gonna be mice, too."

"That doesn't mean I won't shoot that damn Kyoko. . .", growled Barret, putting ammo in his gun arm.

"Konoshi?", asked Sadie, through the door. "How is it?"

"GOOD CHEESECAKE!", Konoshi yelled through the door.

"DIH!", went the others around the door, falling to the ground.

"I MEAN HOW YOU ARE DOING!", yelled Sadie.

"Well, it smells funny in here. . .", said Konoshi. "And I'm a little wet!"

"Aww. . .", said Palmer. "She sat on the juice box I kept in there to go with the cheesecake!"

"PALMER, YOU DUMBASS!", screamed Sadie. "HOW STUPID ARE YOU?! HOW DID YOU EVEN GET AN INTERVIEW AT SHINRA?!"

"Well, the president liked me, because we were golfing buddies."

"Oh.", said Holly. "I thought it was because you beared an eerie resemblance to the president. And how did you even see the tee on the ground past your gut?"

"It wasn't easy."

"Shut up."

"BOSS!", said Kami, running up to Rachel. "15 minutes til' curtain!"

"Thanks, Kami.", said Rachel. "Is there anything wrong before showtime?"

"Not one.", said Kami. "Cloud is looking better, and Tifa's back to normal."

"GRAVY! LET'S RALLY THE TROOPS!"

"I want you to go out there and win.", said Rachel, dressed as a general with black eye paint and a baton thing. "I want you to have fun with it, too. Just remember your lines, and all will be fine. When that curtain goes up, they will see you, and say 'they look like a bunch of stupid dumbasses', BUT YOU WILL IGNORE THAT! YOU SHALL TRIUMPH! WHO IS WITH ME!", yelled Rachel, standing in front of the whole cast and stage hands, just blinking and trying to understand what just happened.

"Can we just go now?", asked Selena.

"Fine. . .", sighed Rachel. "Can I keep this general costume?"

"NO!"

"Curtain in 5 minutes!", announced Meagan. "Where's Surka?"

"RACHEL?!", yelled Surka in Rachel's ear, standing in a doorway.

"BLARGHEN!", yelled Rachel. "WHAT?!"

"5 MINUTES!"

"OKAY! Where's Konoshi?"

"ONE! TWO! THREE! HEAVE!" CRASH! Sadie took her katana and busted open the door. "Konoshi?" Konoshi was sitting in the corner, happily drinking a carton of juice.

"HIYA!"

"ONE MINUTE!", yelled Selena.

"Is everybody in costume?", whispered Rachel. All excess stagehands where dressed as mice, meaning, Holly, Surka, and Konoshi, were in fuzzy, skin-tight rodent outfits.

"Good, Palmer, you put something over that rash.", said Rachel. "It looked like my great aunt."

"Shut up."

"Aeris! Move on stage!" Aeris took her prop broom, and ran out to the stage, taking her position.

"10, 9, 8. . .", counted down Meagan.

"Cross your fingers, people.", said Rachel.

"3, 2, 1! SHOWTIME!" Meagan pulled the rope for the curtain, and it swept neatly back. Lucrecia turned on the spotlight, and Aeris fit the part perfectly, looking down, sweeping silently, with dirty looking make-up scattered on her face, and the tell-tale little feet that Cinderella was claimed to have. Kami's narration began.

"In a far off land, that bore the name of Osterland, existed a young girl.", said Kami. "Her name, was Cinderella, and there was something special about her."

"How's it going so far?", asked Selena.

"Fine, surprisingly.", said Rachel.

"WHERE'S RENO?!", she hissed.

"THERE!" Rachel pointed to a man with a blue bandanna, standing at the doorway, and Rufus was sitting in center seats. Elena and Rude were standing at the other entrances.

"SQUEE!", squealed Selena.

"SHUT UP!", whispered Rachel. "THEY'LL HEAR YOU!"

"WHAT?!", whispered Selena.

"THEY'LL HEAR YOU!", said Rachel.

"I can't hear you!", said Selena.

"I SAID THEY'LL HEAR YOU DAMMIT!", yelled Rachel. The audience looked around a little, looking for the person who yelled, and Aeris was looking at Rachel, glaring. "Oops."

The play went on, as successfully as it could've gone, with Rachel yelling and all, and the people seemed to have given rapt attention to the play. Rachel couldn't believe a rewrite of something of hers could've done so well.

"Cinderella!", said Scarlet, in her normally cruel voice. Perfect. "Clean up this mess!"

"Yes, step-mother. . .", said Cinderella. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Do the laundry!", said Palmer, walking out onto the stage, Rufus almost unable to contain his laughter, but he did. Unfortunately, Reno couldn't resist.

"HAHA!", he laughed, some heads turning. "LOOK AT MR. HIGH AND MIGHTY NOW! NOW HE'S WEARING A DRESS, AND HIS SKIN IS CHAFING! WHO FEELS SPECIAL NOW?! Huh?" Mike was standing behind Reno, with his guns.

"Come with me." Mike dragged him to the back, and a few shots and blood curdling screams were heard, everyone with a nervous smile, and sweat mark.

"Better." Reno walked back in, perfectly fine with a smile, and Mike came out, bruised and bleeding.

"Is there a Cetra in the house? Gah. . ." Mike became unconscious.

"Serves him right.", said Reno. Elena was giving him the evil eye, and the play had halted for his interference, and the other people were glaring at him as well. "Um, sorry? AGH!" A group of audience members ganged up, pummeled the crap out of him, and sat back down. "Ow."

"Oh God. . .", sighed Rachel. "Selena ran out to help him. . ." Selena, after the play had continued, ran out to help Reno. "Wait. Isn't she helping Lucrecia with the lighting?!" Aeris was out on stage, waiting for the lights to dim like they were supposed to, but since Selena was managing those, they didn't. "SELENA!?"

"Why did I feel a nasty thought directed at me?", asked Selena. "Oh well. RENO!"

"Uh, hey babe.", said Reno, standing up. "Thanks for helping. Say, what are you doing after the play?", he asked, eyeing her, and peering down her shirt a little.

"What are YOU doing?", asked Selena.

"I like that answer. And who knows, maybe you."

"SELENA!", hissed Meagan in Selena's ear. "The lights! Boss is getting angry!"

"Oh crap." Selena looked down at the stage, the lights FINALLY dimming, because Rachel had to do it herself, and when she looked, she could see Rachel's head angrily glaring at her, with daggers in her eyes. "And I finally meet Reno. . . Hey, dude. . .", said Selena to Reno. "Here." She, all of a sudden, kissed him, ran off, and winked, and when Reno reached in his back pant pocket, her hotel room number was on it.

"Nice."

"YOU IDIOT!", yelled Rachel, behind far enough to ensure that she wasn't heard. "I TOLD YOU NOT TO FOCUS ON HIM! I COULD'VE DONE BETTER, BECAUSE I KNOW HIM! YOU COULD'VE WAITED!"

"Sorry, boss. . .", mumbled Selena. "But-!"

"SHUT UP! I have to watch the rest of the play! Go back up to the catwalk, and help Lucrecia already, will ya'?"

"Yes, boss. . ."

Rachel was walking back up to the edge of the stage, and watched Tifa, Cloud, and Reeve walk on, to the scene in the royal court.

"What have you summoned me for, um, father?", said Cloud, a little unused to the thought of calling Reeve his father.

"You are now old enough to carry on the family name.", said Reeve, standing up from his throne and taking his scepter, smoothing a little bit of his hair. "You are hereby ordered to find yourself a bride! Do you understand, um, son?", replied Reeve, also unused to the term. "The court advisor will see you about it."

"Yes, sire.", said Tifa, wearing the court advisor's outfit, and since it was originally designed for a man, the chest wrapped around her tightly.

"Jesus, why are her shirts, ALWAYS like that?!", asked Rachel. "Couldn't game designers pick something less demeaning?"

"I am here to assist you.", said Tifa, still genuflecting with her head down. The entire audience that was made up of guys dragged along by their girlfriends, leaned to the right, to gaze down her shirt, and the left portion leaned to the left, to scope her bum.

"WHY?!", thought Tifa. "WHY IN GOD'S NAME?!" She heard murmurs in the audience.

"She's a savior of the planet. She can save me, anytime.", said one guy.

"I know she can assist me, any night.", said another.

"Then we shall set up a ball.", said Cloud.

"What kind? Who shall we invite?", asked Tifa, standing up.

"Everybody in the kingdom!", said Cloud.

"EVERYBODY?", asked Tifa.

"Okay, well, all the ladies.", said Cloud. "I DO NOT lean that way."

"Yeah, this is DEFINITELY boss' rewrite of Cinderella.", said Kami. "Only SHE would include THAT line."

"I'd include that line.", said Sadie.

"You don't count."

"Mean."

"Greetings!", said Yuffie, as Aeris opened the door to the house. "A message from the royal court!" Yuffie's costume looked a bit tattered, and she insisted to keep her short-shorts, and the guys leaned now to the left to examine her butt.

"Dear sweet Jesus. . .", thought Yuffie.

"She's cute.", said one guy. "I know one message I'd like her to deliver. . ." His girlfriend glared at him, and contemplated on breaking up on him.

"Perv. . .", she thought.

"A ball?", asked Aeris, reading the scroll of paper that Yuffie handed to her, then, also insisting keeping the ninja moves, sprang up and disappeared, which received a little applause.

"YEAH!", said Yuffie, doing her rapid arm punch. "WHO'S THE NINJA?!"

"What is that, Cinderella?", asked Heideggar, wearing possibly the world's ugliest dress, and even less flattering on his walrus-like body. "GIMME!" He snatched it from her hands, and read it, then threw it up and squealed like a little school girl. "A BALL! A BALL! THE PRINCE IS GOING TO MARRY!", she shouted. Palmer waddled out, and began doing a little dance, as well as Heideggar.

"Well then, my. . .daughters. . .", said Scarlet, looking around with edgy eyes, REALLY unused to calling Heideggar and Palmer, girl titles, let alone her daughters.

"THIS IS TOO RICH!", laughed Sadie off stage. "HAHAHAHAHA!" Palmer noticed her laughing, and slipped her the finger behind his back, upon which she grimaced when she saw it. For the rest of the scene, she threw paper at the back of his head.

"So, Cinderell-AH!", he said, the paper flying and colliding with his bald head. "I guess you will n-AH-t be AH-tending? OW!" He turned around, and saw Sadie making funny faces at him, sticking out her tongue and pulling down on her eyelid.

"NAH NAH!", she taunted, and threw paper neatly down the front of his shirt.

"AGH!", he yelled, but everybody's eyes were already on him, so he turned around with a strange smile on, taking out of his mind how uncomfortable the paper wad down his shirt was. "I m-mean, you h-have n-no dress!", he said.

"I guess so. . .", said Aeris, putting on a sad and depressed face, which, actually got some sympathy from the guys. Kinda.

"Aw. . .", said one guy. "I know what would cheer her up. . .heh, heh. . .OW!" He was elbowed by his girlfriend. "I KNEW I should've taken you to the play about the Evil Dragon King Valvados at the Gold Saucer. . .", she mumbled. A few other guys were checking her out.

"I like this play. . .", said one.

"This kingdom must be a fairy tale, because that girl's in MY fantasies. . .", said another.

"AHHHH!", said Rachel, coming out of the bathroom. "I wonder what scene they're on. . ." she walked out, and heard annoying singing. "Oh, I know which one. . ."

"CINDERELLY, CINDERELLY, MAKE WAY FOR CINDERELLY. . .!", sang the people in the mice suits. Rufus immediately recognized Barret, and was ready to burst, when. . .Rude did?

"OH MY GOD!", yelled Rude. "HE'S A MOUSE!" Elena and Rufus turned to look at him.

"You finally talk when mice are singing?!", asked Elena. "Not when you're doing everything else, like that one time when you crushed your toe, and you only held up a sign that said, 'OUCH!'?!"

". . .", replied Rude.

"I thought so. . .", said Elena.

"I should've put Cloud in one of those suits. . .", thought Rachel. "They are so tight. . . Sigh. . ."

"We know what you're thinking.", said Tifa, walking up behind her with Aeris, who was not in this scene. "Go ahead. He's just a jerk."

"Aww, Tifaaaaa. . .!", whined Cloud. "PLEASE?!"

"NO!"

"AERIS!", whispered Rachel. "GET READY! YOU'RE ALMOST BACK ON!" Aeris ran onstage when it was time, and saw the mice with the completed dress.

"Is this for me?!", asked Aeris, in surprise. "IT'S GORGEOUS! I'll try it on!" She walked pass Red, who was caged at the moment because it was his job to try and catch the mice, and went into the dressing room to change.

"HAHA!", laughed Konoshi. "You're stuck in a stupid cage!" Red glared, and noticed the broom close by. He moved the cage around a bit, knocking over, and fell on the lock that kept him in, and it fell in the gap in the door. He used it as a wedge, and the door flew open fiercely, and jumped out, trying to catch the mice.

"DIE!", he said, taking people off-guard.

"AAWWWWW!", said one girl. "The kitty can talk!"

"AWWWWWW!", said another. "HE THINKS HE'S PEOPLE!" Red began cursing on the inside.

"Fat, pompous baboons. . .", he thought. "I smarter than all of them combined. . ."

"BAD KITTY!", said Aeris, walking back onstage, wearing the dress people marveled at. She took the broom, and began hitting him on the head with the broom, trapping him back in the cage, and she kept it closed with a chair. "There. How do I look?" The mice, nodded in approval. "But how will I get there? Aw, crap!"

"Yeah. . .", said Sadie. "DEFINITELY boss' rewrite."

"Don't worry, Cinderella!" The blue fog went onstage, and Laura was shielding her nose, as Rachel gave her a better costume, that was the traditional blue robe. "I am your fairy godmother!" She took down her hood, and smiled, more murmurs coming from the guys in the audience.

"Wow. . .she's hot. . .", said one guy. "Looks a lot like that advisor. . ."

"Why are all the cute ones in this play?", asked another. "I'm seeing this one again."

"YEP!", said Rachel, flashing the 'V for victory' sign with her hand. "IF YOU DON'T WANT TO COME FOR THE STORY, COME FOR THE GIRLS! And guys. . .", said Rachel, watching Cloud change in the dressing room, changing his shirt. "Heh, heh. . ."

"Who? My fairy godmother?"

"Yes, my child!"

"What's going on?", asked Yuffie, coming out of the dressing rooms.

"BIBBITY, BOBBITY, BOO!", sang Laura, with the orchestra behind her.

"The annoying, crazy fairy song. . .", said Rachel.

"Gotta love it. . .", said Yuffie.

After the crazy fairy song, it was time for intermission. Rachel was backstage, checking on all the actors.

"Good, Barret's fine, Red is fine, and Cloud. . .is obviously SUPER fine. . but. . ." She walked in, and saw Cloud tossing his cookies in the trash can.

"BARFFFF!", went Cloud.

"Hoo, boy. . .", said Rachel. "I think we're gonna need that understudy. . ."

"NO!", said Cloud. "HE- BARRFF!- CAN'T KISS AERIS!", protested Cloud.

"Who? Cloud?", Aeris walked in, to check up on him. "What?"

"He's sick. . .", said Rachel.

"Aww!", sympathized Aeris. "Oh well. . .Do I have an understudy?"

"'Fraid not.", said Rachel.

"But, he can't go out there!", said Aeris. "Plus, I am NOT kissing a guy who just threw up!"

"BLECCK!", coughed Cloud.

"Look, there is only ONE person I know who knows your part.", said Rachel. "But we're gonna need somebody else who has no part, and isn't a stagehand. Come with me. Cloud, change into something else. Vincent is taking over."

"Gotcha. . ."

"Who?", asked Aeris.

"I HAVE NO IDEA!", said Rachel. "I know your part. . . But there is NO WAY in HELL I'm gonna act. . . Where can I find one?"

"I have more costumes!", said Kyoko, walking in with a rack of costumes.

"AH HA!", shouted Rachel pointing her finger. "THERE!"

"Am I in trouble?", asked Kyoko.

"No. . .", said Rachel. "I fact, this is your lucky day. . .heh, heh. . ."

"Huh? REALLY?!", asked Laura. "I CAN!?"

"YEP! You're the replacement. . .",said Rachel. "I mean, you're the only other person who knows Aeris' part, and isn't going to appear again. "And, Kyoko here is your replacement."

"HIYA!", said Kyoko. "You only have a few lines left, and I already memorized them. WHERE IS MY SUGAR?!"

"I'll have it brought in. . .", sighed Rachel. "I'm paying her in sugar, not gil." "WHEEEEEEE!"

"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.", announced Rachel on Kami's microphone. "During intermission, it has come to my attention that Cloud, the prince, is sick. Aeris, or, Cinderella, is taking care of his illness with some materia, AND an old Cetra remedy. . ."

"HOLD STILL!", said Aeris, with Cloud's shirt off.

"But I'm sick!", said Cloud. "Are you SURE you want to?"

"NOT THAT!", said Aeris. "I have a remedy for stomach flu. I got it from the planet."

"Uh, huh.", said Cloud. "Are you sure dead people's voices are gonna help?"

"IT'S NOT JUST DEAD PEOPLE!", said Aeris. "IT'S THE PLANET ITSELF, TELLING ME IT'S CONDITION! IT'S OPTIONAL TO TALK TO THE PEOPLE!"

"Yeah. . .", said Cloud. "Anyway, what's the cure?"

"Here. . ." She took out butter, and a live lobster.

"I think you have to cook that thing first, Aeris.", said Cloud.

"NO! It HAS to be live!"

"I tell you, in any cookbook-!"

"IT'S THE REMEDY! NOT DINNER! HOLD STILL!"

"Is this gonna be kinky?"

"SHUT UP!" She lowered the lobster.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

People in the audience could hear his scream, and sat with sweat marks.

"Yeah. . .", said Rachel. "And let's pray for them, shall we? Anyway, Laura, the old fairy godmother-!" Whistles where heard from a few guys in the audience. "HEH! Yeah. . . Can we stop that?"

"BRING OUT THE MESSENGER!", called one guy. "OR THE ADVISOR!"

"BRING BACK CINDERELLA!", yelled another.

"SHUT UP!", yelled Rachel into the microphone, so loudly, the deaf could hear. "OKAY! Laura is taking over Aeris' job. Kyoko, the costume designer, is becoming the godmother, and Vincent, is becoming the prince! All else is set, and the play will now resume in fifteen minutes!"

Behind the scenes, in the dressing rooms, Laura and Vincent were getting ready for their part together. NO. Not THAT part. They WERE NOT doing THAT. I KNOW YOU'RE A BUNCH OF SICK PERVERTS, SO GET IT ALL OUT OF YOUR MIND! Thank you.

"So Vinnie. . .", said Laura, walking out of a changing curtain. "What do you think?"

"You're a child. I have no opinion.", replied Vincent, wearing the refined prince's costume.

"I AM 17!", yelled Laura. "And Vinnie, you didn't even look!"

"Stop calling me 'Vinnie', and I don't need to look."

"Please?"

"Fine. . .", sighed Vincent. "But yo-!" He was halted at what he saw in front of him. A young girl in an elegant blue dress, wearing ACTUAL glass slippers (cost a lot of gil), and smiling straight at him. He blushed.

"What? Why the hell are you staring?", asked Laura. "I asked for you to look, not turn an icky red color and stare down my shirt!", she yelled. "Wait." She realized something. "Icky red color?"

"It's just the make-up!", said Vincent, quickly turning away.

"HA, HA!", laughed Mike, walking in. "YOU WEAR GIRLY MAKE-UP!" He walked out.

"Weird. . .", said Vincent.

"You're blushing, aren't you, Vinnie?", asked Laura, popping up in his face.

"AGH! NOT SO CLOSE, CHILD!", he yelled, recoiling back.

"You know you want me even CLOSER. . .", said Laura, actually stepping back.

"It's the make-up.", said Vincent. "And when we do the final scene, REMEMBER: it's a stage kiss."

"Are you sure, Vinnie?", asked Laura.

"Dead sure. . ."

"Hey, Vincent!", said Lucrecia, popping in much like Mike did. "How are you? Now I have to cure Cloud's stomach flu."

"I'm good.", said Vincent, hugging her. Laura gave a small growl. "Just stay well, okay? I don't need you getting sick."

"You care so much about me, Vincent.", said Lucrecia, hugging him tightly back. "That's why I love you." Vincent turned back to Laura, and pointed at Lucrecia, who was still hugging in, and gave her an as-a-matter-of-factly look.

"Now go on.", said Vincent. "It's almost showtime, and we don't need the little barbarian getting angry."

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!", screamed Rachel from down the hall.

"See ya'.", said Lucrecia. Vincent kissed her before she left, and waved back as she exited the room.

"And THAT is why I don't like you.", said Vincent.

"Strange.", said Laura, with a bitter expression on her face. "That's why I don't like you, too." She walked briskly out of the room, with an icy cold expression.

"Are you ready, Laura?", asked Meagan. "Because I think boss might need to see you."

"Whatever.", said Laura, almost shrugging her off and walking straight over to Rachel.

"Um Laura?", asked Rachel with a nervous smile. "Is everything all right? I thought I heard arguing."

"Yeah, I'm fine. . .", sighed Laura. "Come on, we're ready."

Laura walked on stage in Cinderella's dress (WHICH received much approval from the men, due to the low neck.), and Kyoko walked on in the blue robe, to perform the fairy godmother part.

"Let me see those mice, my child.", said Kyoko, pointing to the mice.

"Um, okay. . .", said Laura. She shooed along the mice, and they gathered in front of the godmother.

"BIBBITY, BOBBITY, BOO!", shouted Kyoko. Blue smoke exploded, and Barret became the carriage driver, Konoshi, Surka, and Holly were in chocobo suits, and Cait Sith had become just what he normally looked like, leading the team of chocobos. "And now for the carriage. BIBBITY, BOBBITY, BOO!" The pumpkin grew into a carriage.

"Thank you, fairy godmother!", said Laura.

"No problem, child! But remember!", said Kyoko. "Be back by midnight, for that is when the magic wears off!"

"I will!"

"SADIE!", whispered Rachel, standing on the catwalk. "Pull!"

"OH RIGHT!", remember Sadie.

"WHOAA!", said Kyoko, not having run through this part. "COOL! FAIRY MAGIC!"

"Sigh. . .", went Rachel. "That girl ate too much sugar. . ."

"Vincent, get ready.", said Meagan. "And you too, Tifa. By the way, Vincent, what were you and Laura arguing about?"

"I'd rather not talk about it.", said Vincent.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of!", said Meagan. "I use Pantene Pro-V, too!"

"NOT THAT!", yelled Vincent. "Besides, it makes my hair all smooth and shiny."

"Yeah. . .", said Meagan. "But will you PLEASE, tell me?!"

"We were fighting because she thinks I like her. WHICH I DO NOT!"

"Sure, sure. . .", said Meagan. "I know you give her googly eyes. . ."

"No, she gives ME googly eyes.", corrected Vincent. "And am I THAT obvious?!"

"No.", said Konoshi, walking past to get out of the mouse suit. It was about ten seconds before Vincent went on with Tifa. "It's even worse than you think."

"OH GOD!"

"Vincent!", said Meagan. "You're on!"

Vincent walked on stage after they setting had changed to inside the castle, and Tifa walked on with him.

"Ooh. . .", said one guy's girlfriend. "All the princes are hot. . ."

"Grrr. . .", muttered her boyfriend. "And she accuses ME. . ."

"Who do you like, my lord?", asked Tifa.

"Well, hello there, your holiness. . .", said Heideggar, fluttering his eyelashes and fanning himself with the paper fan. "It's nice to see you this evening."

"And I as well hope to see you. . .later this evening. . .", said Palmer, walking on. Vincent felt nauseated, even though it was just a play, because it felt disgusting to be hit on by men, much less fat, hairy lumps of fat like Palmer and Heideggar in dresses. Heideggar and Palmer were sent away by Tifa however, and returned to talking with her master.

"My lord?", she asked. "Who are you looking at?"

"I like. . .her." He was pointing to Laura, who had just come in, and when she did, people turned around to look, all envying her beauty.

"She looks familiar.", said Palmer.

"My lady. . .", bowed Vincent, before Laura, or rather, the prince before Cinderella. "I am Crown Prince Vincent of Osterland. Would such a beautiful creature as yourself like to dance with me?"

"Beautiful creature?", asked Meagan. "BEAUTIFUL CREATURE?! Now I'm questioning whether this is boss' rewrite or not."

"But what about these other young women, who are wealthier than I am? Wouldn't you rather dance with them?"

"My offer still stands. Now, would you?" Vincent looked up to see Laura's face, which was meant to look surprised, but it grew into a smile.

"She's pretty when she smiles. . .", thought Vincent. "Oh shit. OH SHIT. OH SHIT! Put this on to do list: shoot myself."

"Yes, my lord, if you insist." She wrapped her arms around him to dance, and the blush came back to his face, and the audience thought this was probably the best special effect of the play.

"They look nice together.", said Rachel, smiling, watching them dance. "JUST LIKE ME AND CLOUDY!"

"BAARRRRF!"

"Nevermind. . .", sighed Rachel.

"Why DID you pick me?", asked Laura. "There are prettier women than me."

"No, there is not, it's just that you are more humble.", said Vincent, crossing his head past hers, putting his lips close to her ear.

"Hee. . .", thought Laura. "His breathing tickles. . ."

"You really are as beautiful as I perceive you to be." He moved a bit closer, and whispered in his ear, and despite the great acoustics, only Laura could hear this line. "I really do."

"Huh?", whispered Laura. "That's not in the script! Wait, that must mean. . ."

"What is your name?", asked Vincent.

"My name is-!" The clock struck midnight, and Laura, broke away. "Oh! I must go!" She began running away from the ball.

"Your name!", called Vincent.

"I'm sorry! Oh!" Her slipper fell off. The curtain closed.

"Awww. . .", went the crowd.

"SORRY PEOPLE! MORE INTERMISSION!", said Rachel on the microphone.

"What was that all about?", asked Laura to Vincent in the changing rooms.

"What?", asked Vincent.

"What you whispered!"

"That was an ad lib.", said Vincent. "They could hear it. And besides, it was all just acting."

"YOU BREATHED IT IN MY EAR!", shouted Laura. "THAT IS NOT JUST ACTING!"

"It is, and your overreacting.", said Vincent, touching up on the make-up. FLASH!

"HA, HA!", laughed Mike. "NOW I HAVE PROOF! MUAHAHAHAHA!" He ran off.

"Weird.", said Laura this time. "And what do you mean overreacting?! MY DEAD BODY! LET'S SEE HERE! A BISHONEN LIKES ME! ME OFF ALL PEOPLE! I DON'T THINK THIS IS OVERREACTING!"

"Do we have a net?", asked Aeris, walking by. "The lobster is on the loose."

"Um. . .no. . .", said Laura.

"AGH! A LOBSTER!", screeched Tifa. "WHAT THE HELL?!"

"OOPS!", said Aeris. "FOUND IT!" She ran off.

"Weird.", said Vincent.

"YOU'RE ON, LAURA!", said Meagan.

"We'll settle this later.", she said, walking off.

Cinderella was cleaning in the house, when her sisters and step-mother came home.

"What a marvelous ball!", said Scarlet.

"I think he liked me.", said Heideggar.

"No, I'm sure it was me, my dear sister.", said Palmer. "Too bad YOU missed out, Cinderella.", he cackled.

"Sigh. . .", went Laura.

"What's this?" Scarlet had gone upstairs, and found Laura's dress on the bed. "A dress? Wait! IT WAS YOU! I TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD NOT GO!", Scarlet yelled.

"But-!"

"TO YOUR ROOM!", bellowed Scarlet. "AND DON'T COME OUT UNTIL I SAY! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT LISTENING!"

"BUT-!"

"GO!" Laura ran crying to her room, and flung herself on her bed, and not to wake up til morning.

"Who was that girl, my liege?", asked Tifa, after the ball. Her foot was dragging a bandage, from where the lobster attacked her.

"I don't know. But I must find out.", said Vincent. "I know, that she is the girl I'm looking for. But, how do find her, if I don't know her name?"

"There are more ways to find out who she is.", said Tifa.

"You have an idea?"

"I wouldn't be court advisor if I didn't."

"HEAR YE, HEAR YE!", yelled the town crier that next morning. Laura woke up to that noise. "THE PRINCE HAS A DECLARATION, REGARDING LAST NIGHT'S BALL!", shouted the crier.

"I just KNOW, he's declaring his love to me.", said Palmer, in a disgustingly girlish voice, wearing too much make-up.

"THE GIRL WHO OWNS THIS SHOE, WILL BE HIS BRIDE!" Many women looked around, and just shrugged, and figured they would simply pretend.

"Oh. . .!", said Laura. "For as long as I am locked in here, he will not find me. . .", she said sadly.

The fittings for the shoe went all morning, and into the afternoon. The prince was with the fitting group, and each time, the foot did not fit right. The women would squeeze in their feet, or they would get it stuck. What can I say? The women here have fat feet! Finally, they came around to the step-mother's house.

"Well, hello there, you majesty!", said Palmer.

"Forget this house.", said Vincent. "There aren't any girls here."

"Oh, how you tease!", said Palmer.

"I'm not. Let's go."

"BUT WAIT!", shouted Scarlet, running to the door. "Please, try us!" Vincent sighed.

"Fine. Why not? Present the slipper." The slipper was carried in, and Palmer was the first to try.

"WHOA!", said the fitter. "TOO FAT! And hairy. . .ick." Heideggar was next.

"EEW! TOO FAT, AND SMELL FUNKY!" Now it was Scarlet's turn.

"Too long.", said Vincent sadly. "She's not here." Pounding on the door was heard.

"Step-mother!", cried Cinderella. "Please let me out! I'm growing hungry in here!"

"Who is that?", asked Vincent. He was being averted from the door.

"It's nothing!", said Heideggar.

"Are you shoving the prince?", asked Vincent. Heideggar stepped back. "I thought so. Bring me the key." Scarlet produced the key, and Vincent ran up the stairs. Cinderella heard the door unlock.

"Oh, step-mother, I see you-!"

"Please. . .", said the prince, stepping in front of her, and kneeling, almost sure of what he thought. "Try on this glass slipper." Without a word of objection, Laura tried on the shoe, and it was a perfect fit. "IT FITS!"

"W-what does that mean?!", asked Laura, in shock at his expression. "Do I win something?"

"YOU ARE TO BE MY BRIDE!"

"WOOHOO!"

"Yeah. . .", said Holly. "She wrote this."

"I WILL NOT PERMIT IT!", yelled Scarlet. "I SHELTERED YOU! CLOTHED YOU!"

"Not well enough.", said Vincent. "Take her away."

"NOOOOOO!"

"And you. . .", said Vincent, turning to Cinderella. "I am going to make you the happiest girl in the world."

"I already am." Laura went up and hugged Vincent gently.

"AW GEEZ!", he thought. "Do not blush, do not blush, do not blush. . . Aw, who in hell am I kidding?!" He blushed.

"AWWWW!", said Rachel, watching the set change to after the wedding. "HE LIKES HER!"

"Are you the last one to notice?", asked Meagan.

"What? WHAT?!"

"You are to be the queen of this kingdom.", said Vincent, stepping into the carriage, drawn by white chocobos.

"Don't say that quite yet. . .", said Laura, hugging him and closing her eyes, almost taking a nap on his shoulder. "I just want to be with you."

"I think I'm gonna HURL. . .", said Mike, running to the bathroom.

"I'M COMING!", said Kami, running after.

"DON'T FORGET ME!", said Sadie, running with them.

Vincent thought his head was gonna explode.

"Um. . .", he said, forgetting his lines. "Oh yeah! But as for now, you will be with me. Remember, that even though you were a poor peasant girl, I love you."

"And those are the sweetest words I have ever heard. . .", said Laura, moving her head to his chest.

"Here we go. . .", said Rachel, biting her lip. "The kiss. . ."

Um. . ." Vincent was chickening out.

"VINCENT!", hissed Rachel from offstage. "THE KISS! THE PLAY IS RIDING ON THIS!" Looking down at the face that was so close to him, he closed his eyes tightly, gulped hard, bit down, and. . .and. . .YES! LADIES AND GENTLEMAN! VINCENT HAS FINALLY KISSED LAURA!

Laura opened her eyes during the kiss in shock. Was her really kissing her? It felt like it! Is that his tongue? Her eyes rolled back, and shut again.

"VINCENT!" Rachel was yelling at him again. "YOU'VE BEEN DOING THAT FOR 2 MINUTES NOW!"

"Huh? WHOOPS!" He finally broke off, the crowd on the edge of their seats. One stood up and clapped. Then the rest joined in.

"WOOHOO!", said Rachel. "SUCCESS!"

"Hot and heavy out there, eh Laura?", said Rachel, winking and nudging.

"Shut up.", said Laura.

"What? You got what you wished for!"

"It w-was nothing.", she said, walking faster.

"IT WAS TOO LONG AND WET TO BE NOTHING!"

"WELL IT WAS!", yelled Laura. "Let me be!"

"What was that about, Vincent?", asked Cloud, better now. "I heard what happened.

"SO WHAT IF I LIKE LAURA!", yelled Vincent. "SO WHAT IF I WAS KISSING HER FOR 2 MINUTES! BIG DEAL!"

"I meant the weird lines. . .", said Cloud.

"Oh. YOU HEARD NOTHING!"

"Sigh. . .Fine, be difficult.", said Rachel, walking away from Laura's room. "AND YOU STOP THAT!" Selena was making out with Reno in the middle of the hallway. "Sheesh. . ."

"Where is all the cheesecake?", asked Sadie.

"I don't know. I don't like it." Chewing was heard from the closet. LOUD chewing.

"What in hell is that?", asked Mike, opening the door. "OH MY GOD!" When he opened the door, he saw Palmer with cheesecake all over his face, gorging, still in the dress he had for a costume.

"What?"

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Laura: I AM HAPPY!

AN3: I knew you would be. . .sweats

Rachel: What was up the normal narration? It was WEIRD this time. And I quote, "I KNOW YOU'RE ALL PERVS!"

AN3: WHAT'S WRONG WITH HAVING A LITTLE FUN WHIL DOING THIS! I WAS BORED THIS ENTIRE TIME WRITING THIS!

Keo: Then why write it at all?

AN3: Okay, well, maybe I wasn't completely bored. And anyway, typing is more habit than chore now.

Tifa: Weird. . .

Mike: YOU LIKE LAURA!

Vincent: Shut up. This is what happens when the authoress is stupid.

AN3: AU CONTRAIRE! I am in the top 30 in the nation in math scores, and top 25 in literature and grammar!

Vincent: Are you sure you weren't holding those statistics upside down?

AN3: Shut up. SEE YOU NEXT! TIME! Okay, at least I hope. I'm gonna go to the cast party now.

Sadie: HIC!

AN3: DID SHE JUST DRINK ALL THE LIQUEUR?! THERE WERE SIX CASES OF BEER!

Laura: I think she did. . .

AN3: crying See you. . .sob . . .later. . .


	24. Alternate Earth Bonus

Alternate Earth Bonus #1

The Night Before Christmas

A/N: Please, don't sue me.

* * *

'Twas the night before Christmas

when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring,

including one pervy louse glares at Cloud

Cloud: WHAAAAAAT?!

Aeris: Nevermind.

The stockings were hung, next to the cookies on a plate,

And if there were a Cloudy plushie there in the morning,

you know that'd be great.

Rachel and Laura were nestled all snug in their beds,

while visions of bishies,

danced in their heads.

And Tifa in her nightgown,

And I, in a big shirt,

had just fought about Cloud,

But hey, he's a big flirt.

Cloud: OH YEAH! I'M IN ALMOST EVERY STANZA!

Aeris: Shut up, you moron. Rachel wrote this thing.

Rachel: grinning

Aeris:

When out on the lawn

there arose such a clatter,

I sprung from my bed,

to see what was the matter.

Away to the window,

I flew like a flash,

tore open the shutters,

and threw up the sash.

Laura: What's a sash?

Aeris: No more interruptions PLEASE!

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,

gave the luster of midday to the objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes, and to what I should know,

but a miniature sleigh,

and eight tiny chocobo!

With a tall, manly driver,

so handsome and deft,

I knew in a moment,

GOD RUN, IT SEPH!

More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came,

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name,

"Now Funky! Now Stinky! Now Sneezy and Sleepy!

On Winky! On Blinky! On Inky and Wheezy!"

"To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall!

Now dash away, dash away, dash way all!"

Rachel: They can just walk everywhere, can't they?

Aeris: SHUT UP!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the housetop, the chocobo they flew,

With the sleigh full of who-knows-what,

and St. Sephiroth, too.

Cloud: St. Sephiroth?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!

Aeris: THE NEXT ONE TO TALK GET MY ROD UP THEIR ASS! silence Thank you.

The stump of a toothpick he held tight in his teeth,

and his eyes, were greener than holly on a wreath,

He had a broad chest, and broad shoulders too,

And when he smiled, I didn't know what to do.

(I mean, he smiled! He wanted to kill the world! Why in hell is he smiling?!)

He changed a bit,

The Planet made sure,

to make killing and burning,

bring to him a forbidden allure.

And I laughed when I saw him,

in spite of myself,

To see Sephiroth of all people,

brought down to a right happy elf!

A flash of a sneer,

and the lack of a sword,

soon gave me to know,

I wouldn't get gored.

(AGAIN! I KNOW!)

He spoke not a word,

and went straight to his work,

but ignored all the stockings,

whilst I kept thinking "WHAT A JERK!"

And laying his hand,

as he knelt to his feet,

jumped up back into the chimney,

in one giant leap.

He walked to his sleigh,

to his team gave a whistle,

and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him shout back,

ere he drove out of sight,

"WHY THE HELL AM I FORCED TO DO THIS!?

WATCH FOR YOUR LIVES NOW, THIS MERRY CHRISTMAS NIGHT!"

Everyone: ::blinkity blink, blink::

AN3: I MADE IT UP AS I WENT!

Tifa: I can see that. . .

Sephiroth: Now, WHY WAS I PORTRAYED LIKE THAT!?

AN3: It could've been worse, and I tried as hard as I could to keep your character!

Sephiroth: SURE YOU DID. . .

AN3: Fine, you evil jerk! sticks out tongue as he walks away Anyway, the Christmas episode will either be out Sunday, or maybe the 23rd. Whatever. SEE YA'!


	25. Alternate Earth Christmas Special

Chapter 19: The Big, Big, Really, Really BIG Christmas Episode!

A/N: I don't own FF7. . .You KNOW who owns it. . .And you KNOWwho owns Laura. . . Merry Christmas! Don't sue! ...Oh, and speaking fo suing, most of these songs in here were made by someone else, not me! I believe they were made by...uh...MadMog, or someone like that....who was it? Ummmm....anyway, they're from this site, called Sephiroth O Kuku...I'm sure most of you have heard of it...so...yeah! ON WITH IT!

* * *

Rachel was singing a song in tune to "Deck the Halls" in the hallway of Tifa's house, decorating for the holidays.

"DECK THE HALLS WITH MATERIA! FA, LA, LA, LA, LAAAAA, LA, LA, LA, LAAAAAA! KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND AND ULTIMA! FA, LA, LA, LA, LAAAA, LA, LA, LA, LAAAAAAA! HELPS YOU IN TIMES OF PERIL! FA, LA, LA, FA, LA, LAA, LA, LA, LAAAAA!"

"RACHEL! WILL YOU SHUTUP?!", yelled Tifa, standing right next to her.

"Er, sorry Tifa. . .", said Rachel. The halls were decorated with garlands and wreaths and everything you could think of, and Lucrecia and Aeris were decorating the bottom floor.

"How's it going?", asked Vincent, walking through the door with a box of decorations in his arms, and kissed Lucrecia briefly on the cheek.

"You are going down. . ." Laura was once again perched on the roof in spy gear, wearing binoculars over her eyes, and looking in the window at the smiling Lucrecia. "ONE DAY, VINNIE WILL BE MINE! I SWEAR TO THE GODS ABOVE! WHA?! WWWWAAAAAAAUUUUUUGH!" She yelled so hard, she lost balance and fell off the roof. "Owie."

"Cloud's gonna love this. . .", said Aeris with a big smile.

"What?", asked Rachel

"MISTLETOE!"

"Oh yeah, baby. . .", said Rachel, picturing her and Cloud under the mistletoe. "I KNOW he'll love it, heh, heh. . ."

"I hate gravity.", said Laura, opening the door, and completely covered with snow. Outside, the ground was blanketed with six inches of snow, so her fall was cushioned.

"Laura, were you putting up the lights like I asked?", asked Vincent.

"Of COURSE, Vinnie!", said Laura, immediately attaching herself to his torso. "JUST LIKE YOU SAID!"

"We'll see. . . OH MY GOD!" He walked outside and back away from the sight of his mansion. It had some of the world's tackiest decorations. "WHAT EXPLODED ALL OVER MY LAWN?! A 50 OFF SALE AT WOOLWORTH'S?!"

"You told me to."

"NOT ALL THIS! I'M GOING BLIND! AGH!"

"I HAVE THE WRAPPING PAPER!", announced Cloud, busting in, wearing a jacket and a scarf. "Did anybody get the presents?"

"I'll give YOU your present early. . .", giggled Rachel.

"OH NO, YOU STAY AWAY!"

"BUT TIS THE SEASON!"

"NOT TO BO BLIND AND PUKE! AWAY!"

"Awww. . ."

"Cloudy. . .", said Aeris, pointing up. "Mistletoe!" She promptly began making out with him, and well, he didn't seem to care. Tifa however was looking down the stairs with fireballs practically shooting out of her eyes.

"GRRRRRR!"

"EEK! Uh, Aeris?", said Lucrecia in a whimpering voice, tugging at her sleeve. Aeris broke off from the make out session, but Cloud didn't seem to.

"What?"

"Eee. . ." Aeris looked to where Lucrecia was pointing, and saw Tifa, putting in some summon materia in her glove.

"Um, Cloud?"

"Yeah babe?"

"I think you should stop. . ."

"Why?"

"ULTIMA!", shouted Tifa.

"OH MY-AAAAAAGGHH!"

"FA, LA ,LA, LA, LAAA, LA, LA, LA, LAAAAAAH!", sang Yuffie, off in Wutai. "GODO! What's the plan?", she asked.

"We don't celebrate Christmas. We're Shinto.", he replied.

"Maybe YOU adhere to that, BUT I CELBRATE CHRISTMAS! Come on! It'll be fun!"

"No."

"DO IT, OR I'LL HATE YOU!", she said in a spoiled tone.

"Oh please. That might've worked when you were three, but you're seventeen. That's not gonna work."

"Well, that was gonna get old sometime.", she sighed. "But we're just as rich as Reeve, so we should get everybody a present!"

"SHINTO!", he spelled out in the air.

"PRESENTS!", Yuffie spelled out. "Fine. Gimme that." She reached in Godo's pocket and took out the Shinra Express credit card. "I'LL go shopping. You stay here."

"BUT THERE'S NO CREDIT LIMIT FOR THAT!"

"THAT'S WHY I TOOK IT, ALONG WITH YOUR PLATINUM MATERIA MASTERCARD!"

"Mmm. . .", whimpered Godo.

"Owie. . .", said Cloud, being healed by Rachel.

"Eeee. . .", muttered Aeris, while Vincent used Cure on her.

"Hmmph, serves you right!", said Tifa. RING RING! Rachel received a call on her PHS.

"Yeah?", asked Rachel.

"YO! It's Yuffie!", said a cheerful voice on the phone.

"Oh, hey Yuffie. Aeris and Cloud just got a little incinerated over here, so make it quick, I'm healing the burns."

"I'm celebrating Christmas this year! So, I thought we'd all go shopping!"

"WOOHOO! When?"

"I'll be there in a sec!" Yuffie hung up.

"I'M DONE, I'M DONE!", yelled Cloud. "Jesus, don't heal me more than I need."

"Who was that?", asked Laura, helping Aeris to her feet.

"Yuffie! WE'RE GOING SHOPPING!"

"I thought we already did this.", said Tifa, walking to the barn with all the other girls.

"NOPE! I USE THIS ONLY ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS!" Rachel walked in and pressed a button on her keypad, and the lights to her blue viper came on. "LET'S ROLL!"

"Aw, Shera, do I have to?", moaned Cid.

"Come on, it won't be as bad as you think.", said Shera.

"Since when were YOU in charge of this &! house? I liked it better when I'd chew you out!"

"TOO BAD! I SAVED YOUR KIESTER! NOW GET INSIDE THE PICTURE!" Cid trudged over in front of the camera dressed like an elf, and stood next to Shera who pressed the button.

"OKAY! CHEESE!" The camera gave a flash, and Shera sent out all the pictures on the Christmas card.

"YOU JUST DIDN'T!", yelled Cid.

"Fine, then I didn't.", said Shera.

"BUT YOU DID!"

"Then I did."

"AGH!

"Where are we headed to?", asked Laura to Rachel, driving the car.

"Who sells the best stuff?", said Rachel.

"I dunno.", said Yuffie. "Let's just go to Midgar and stuff."

"GOING! BUT FIRST, WE NEED TO PICK UP SHERA!"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE CID'S GOING TO GO WITH THE GUYS SHOPPING!"

"Is that such a good idea?", asked Tifa. "That wasn't such a hot idea the LAST time we left them all together."

"TOO BAD! THAT'S THE PLAN!"

Reeve was sitting at his posh and styled home in Midgar, sitting in front of the fireplace in a comfy leather couch while listening to music and reading a book, when the telephone rang behind him.

"AGH! DAMN!", he yelled in surprise. "Hello? Who is this? Really? And how do you know? Help with what?" He put his feet up in interest in the immobile Cait Sith, that he used as a foot rest or an ottoman when he wasn't in use. "And why should I? How can I believe you? A lot of people have searched for her. . . I suppose. Yes, I shall. That necessary? Okay then. I'll do this. And by the way, she's fine, just fine. Yes, I'll tell her that. I'll do that. Good-bye." Reeve hung up the phone, and turned Cait Sith back on. "We're going, Cait."

"AERIS GOT A RUN THROUGH BY A SEPHYYYY!!!!", sang Rachel at the top of her lungs, driving, and Laura joined in at the refrain.

"WALKING HOME FROM OUR HOUSE CHRISTMAS EVE!

YOU MAY SAY THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS SEPHY,

BUT AS FOR ME AND CLOUD, WE BELIEVE!

SHE'D BEEN DRINKIN' TOO MUCH EGG NOG,

AND WE'D BEGGED HER NOT TO GO!

BUT SHE'D LEFT HER ROD AND MATERIA,

SO SHE STUMBLED OUT INTO THE SNOW!

WHEN THEY FOUND HER THE NEXT MORNIN',

AT THE SCENE OF THE ATTACK,

THERE WERE SILVER HAIRS ON HER FOREHEAD,

AND INCRIMINATIN' SWORD MARKS ON HER BACK!"

Aeris was growing more annoyed by every line Rachel and Laura sang, but she figured they didn't have lyrics for the entire song, she didn't say anything. But they still sang.

"AERIS GOT RUN THROUGH BY A MASAMUNE,

WALKIN' HOME FROM OUR HOUSE CHRISTMAS EVE!

YOU MAY SAY THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS SEPHY,

BUT AS FOR ME AND CLOUDY WE BELIEVE!

NOW WE'RE ALL SO PROUD OF CLOUD,

HE'S BEEN TAKIN' THIS SO WELL!

SEE HIM IN THERE WEARING HER DRESS,

DOING NAUGHTY THINGS WITH HIS FRIEND ZECHS!

IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS WITHOUT AERIS,

ALL THE FAMILY'S DRESSED IN BLACK!

AND WE CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER:

SHOULD WE OPEN UP HER GIFTS OR SEND THEM BACK?!

AERIS GOT A RUN THROUGH BY A MASAMUNE,

WALKIN' HOME FROM OUR HOUSE CHRISTMAS EVE!

YOU CAN SAY THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS SEPHY,

BUT AS FOR ME AND CLOUDY WE BELIEVE!

NOW TIFA'S ON THE TABLE,

AND THE PUDDING MADE OF PIG!

AND A PRETTY SILVER CANDLE,

THAT WOULD HAVE MATCHED THE HAIR IN SEPHY'S WIG!

I'VE WARNED ALL MY FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS,

'BETTER WATCH OUT FOR YOURSELVES!'

THEY SHOULD NEVER GIVE A MASAMUNE

TO A MAN WHO'S LOONIER THAN HOJO HIMSELF!

AERIS GOT A RUN THROUGH BY A MASAMUNE,

WALKIN' HOME FROM OUR HOUSE CHRISTMAS EVE!

YOU CAN SAY THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SEPHY,

BUT AS FOR ME AND CLOUDY WE BELIEVE!"

"Are you done?!", asked Aeris, through clenched teeth.

"And WHAT about me?", asked Tifa.

"I THOUGH IT WAS CATCHY!", said Yuffie happily. Aeris and Tifa turned around at her. "Um, nevermind."

"Any more songs?", asked Laura.

"I've got one, but we're already here!", said Rachel, coming into the snow-covered Rocket town. "Okay!" BEEP, BEEP! Rachel honked the horn, and Shera came bustling out.

"Hey!", said Shera, hopping into the small car. "Did you see?"

"See what?", asked Tifa.

"THIS!"

"SHERA!", yelled Cid, coming out. "DON'T! AW SHIT!" Shera was already showing them a picture of him, in an elf suit. "DAMMIT SHERA!"

"Sorry Cid, but it was too cute!", said Shera.

"AWWWWW. . .!"

"Ready, Cloud?", asked Vincent, ready to go, warm enough in his cloak. "Cid'll be here in the Highwind soon!"

"Ready.", said Cloud. "What should I get Tifa?"

"Still aiming for her, Cloud?", asked Vincent. "Aeris likes you."

"No, DUH.", said Cloud. "I just figure I should try again."

"Why?"

"Best um. . .nevermind. I'll just wing it."

"This is it.", said Reeve, walking to a house in the slums. It was in an alleyway, and he saw a small figure walk forward to him.

"Thank you for coming.", said the figure. "It means a lot."

"Why don't you go to her yourself?"

"It might be too much for me. . .", the figure said. "To see her again."

"So I'm your ticket to keep an eye on her?", asked Reeve?

"Yes. I know you'll be fine for this job."

"It's Christmas. Do something for her. Or for yourself. Whichever one it is. I'll go and find her." Reeve trudged out of the alleyway, and the figure stood there, and called back, 'I will!'"

"I SAW AERIS KISSIN' SEPHIROTH,

UNDERNEATH THE MISTLETOE LAST NIGHT!

OH, HOW FUNNY IT WOULD HAVE BEEN,

IF CLOUDY HAD ONLY SEEN,

AERIS KISSIN' SEPHIROTH LAST NIGHT!"

Rachel was singing again, and Aeris was twice as annoyed.

"HE KILLED ME!", she yelled. "WHY THE HELL WOULD I BE KISSING HIM?!"

"MISTLETOE!", said Rachel. "TRADITION!"

"I HAVE A SONG!", said Yuffie.

"HERE COMES SEPHIROTH, HERE SOMES SEPHIROTH,

RIGHT DOWN CHOCOBO LANE!

RENO AND RUFUS AND ALL THE OTHER TURKEYS

ALL RUNNIN' AWAY!

MASAMUNE SWINGIN' AND EVIL LAUGHTER RINGIN'

THE GENERAL SHOWIN' HIS MIGHT!

RUN FOR SHELTER AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS,

'CAUSE SEPHIROTH'S COMIN' TONIGHT!"

"GRRRR!", growled Aeris. "Are these ALL about him?"

"Pretty much, yes.", said Rachel. "COME ON! HE HAS THE SAME RYTHMN IN HIS NAME AS SANTA CLAUSE!" They continued on, singing renditions of, "Roland, the Red Chocobo", all the way to Midgar (don't ask how in a car, they just did), and were nearing their destination.

"ROLAND, THE RED CHOCOBO,

HAD A VERY SHINY BEAK!

AND IF YOU EVER SAW IT,

YOU WOULD PROBABLY CALL HIM A FREAK!

ALL OF THE OTHER CHOCOBOS,

WENT AND LAUGHED AND CALLED HIM NAMES!

THEY WOULDN'T LET POOR ROLAND,

PLAY IN ANY CHOCOBO GAMES!

THEN ONE FOGGY CHRISTMAS EVE,

SEPHIROTH CAME TO SAY,

ROLAND, WITH YOUR BLOOD RED PLUMAGE,

COME AND SLAY, 'CAUSE SOME DOOM AND DAMAGE!

THEN ALL THE CHOCOBOS FEARED HIM,

STEED OF THE FORMAL GENERAL!

GO UP AGAINST THEM,

AND YOU GO TO YOUR FUNERAL!"

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!", yelled Tifa. "QUIET!"

"WE'RE HERE!", said Rachel.

"DIH!"

"Ready, guys?", asked Cid, as Cloud and Vincent walked on board, with Godo standing in the corner.

"No daughter of mine. . .", he mumbled.

"I see Godo and Yuffie have had another disagreement.", said Vincent. "But where are we going?"

"Kalm.", said Cid. "They have a new mall over there."

"Cid, I got this e-mail from Shera. . .", said Cloud. "Is this you?"

"AGH!", yelled Cid, taking the picture that Cloud had printed.

"Nice elf hat, Cid.", said Vincent, stifling a laugh. "And those green tights are so YOU."

"SHUT UP!"

"Where's Barret?", asked Cloud.

"He and Red went off on their own. Barret said he doesn't need to go, and 'hang out with a perv, a vampire, and a hillbilly.' Red said that he didn't have anybody to shop for. A DAMN HILLBILLY?!", shouted Cid. "HOW IN HELL DID HE GET THAT NAME?!"

"Just pilot this thing, Cid.", said Vincent.

"Damn critics. . ."

"What do you think Vincent would like?", asked Aeris to Tifa.

"A maid.", said Tifa, eyeing the fighting gloves. "Do you know how many corpses I found in his basement?!"

"Eleven. . .", said Laura. "If you wish to be exact."

"You counted?", asked Rachel, dodging a stampede of shoppers. The wall market was crowded with people, making last minute shopping choices.

"OF COURSE! I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT VINNIE!", said Laura proudly.

"Then where was he born?", asked Tifa.

"Uh. . .NOT FAIR!", shouted Laura. "HOW SHOULD I KNOW?!"

"Exactly. Don't make such a claim. . ."

"Why?! Do YOU know what age he got his wisdom teeth pulled?!", asked Laura.

"Um, fourteen?", guessed Tifa.

"NOPE! HE STILL HAS HIS!", said Laura. "I COUNTED!"

"You counted the man's teeth.", said Rachel. "HIS TEETH!"

"Yeah. So?"

"Good point. Cloud doesn't have his wisdom teeth though."

"ARE YOU TWO GONNA TAKE UP DENTISTRY?!", asked a disgruntled woman behind them. "DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE!"

"Shut up, old bag. . .", mumbled somebody in front of them.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!", bellowed the large woman.

"Calm down. . .", said a woman beside the black haired man that insulted the woman. Their backs were turned, so none of them knew who they were. "He'll move, WON'T YOU?!"

"OUCH!" The woman elbowed him to move. "You're supposed to be nice. . . All right lady, I'll move." The man turned around a bit, and Rachel and Aeris immediately knew who he was. Zack? The corner of his eye noticed their presence, and in a hurry, grabbed the woman, and ran, only to disappear in the crowd, after Rachel and Aeris scouted for them.

"Was that. . .?", asked Rachel.

"I think so. . .", said Aeris. "I'd know his face anywhere. . ."

"That's because he looks like Cloud, but with longer, black hair."

"Or the other way around. It's a mix-up, I'm sure.", said Aeris dismissively. "Back to shopping. . ."

"WHEEEEE!!!!", shouted Cloud, running through the stores, on a small bike. "FUN!"

"He's an IDIOT. . .", mumbled Vincent. He turned around, and saw a mechanical pony. Checking around cautiously, he neared it, hopped on, inserted a quarter, and when it started, he was as giddy as a little kindergartener, on sugar and Barney.

"Saviors if the planet?", asked Godo to Cid. "Really?"

"STOPPIT!", yelled Cid. "DAMMIT!" The two men both stopped, and when Vincent got off, a line of other kids had already formed. One kid stuck out his tongue at Vincent as he got off, and Vincent pointed his gun for a brief moment, until the kid put his tongue back in.

"Yeah, Cid?", asked Cloud.

"WE'RE HERE TO GET THESE DAMN PRESENTS, THEN, WE GO BACK TO OUR OWN $#$! LIVES! ALL RIGHT?!"

"Yeah, sure. . .", said Vincent. "Can I ride the pony?"

"NO!"

"Five hours til' the store closes!", said Tifa. "And tomorrow, as we all know, IS CHRISTMAS!"

"Why did we wait til' today to shop, and decorate?", asked Rachel.

"Because SOMEBODY burned down Lucrecia's house, and we had to fix that first.", said Tifa.

"It's fine, Tifa.", said Lucrecia. "Don't get angry at her."

"She needs DISCIPLINE!", said Tifa. "DISCIPLINE!"

"Not all of us can kick the shit out of a Nibel Dragon when we're sixteen, Tifa.", said Aeris. "CHEER UP! IT'S CHRISTMAS!"

"I have one question, though.", said Laura.

"What?"

"It's snowing here in the wall market. But, we're below one of Midgar's plates. Why is there snow? And why does it look cleaner, friendlier, and have bricks and cobblestones on the roads now?"

"The managed to get rid of the hobos.", said Aeris. "They never leave."

"Oh. Right. . ."

"I've got Lucrecia's present.", said Vincent. "A SLASH-ALL MATERIA CRYSTAL BANGLE!"

"She doesn't have a weapon, Vincent.", said Cloud. "What's she need slash-all for?"

"Oh right. . ."

"SMOKES!", said Cid, walking out of the pharmacy with a carton of cigars. "AH HA!"

"Jesus Cid, didn't you buy anything for Shera?"

"It's not like we're married.", he said. "And she annoys the HELL out of me!"

"Then why not evict her from your house?"

"She makes a damn good pot of tea."

"God. . .", they sighed.

"Is this an arcade?", asked Rachel, walking into a tiny shack with Laura, seeing what looks like a videogame. "Let me see. . . WAUGH!" The gun behind her fired as soon as she activated it.

"I DIDN'T LOSE YET!", said Rachel. "YOU CAN'T KILL ME NOW!"

"Rachel, it always does that.", said Laura. "And we've been wandering around for an hour. It's four more hours until the stores close! I already have some Demi materia for Vincent, some stuff Cloud wanted me to pick up from the Honeybee Inn, whatever it is, I got Aeris a revive materia, just in case she happened to die almost rather off-handedly again from a certain one winged angel, and I still need to pick up some stuff!"

"Fine. . .", sighed Rachel.

"I'm going to the bathroom. Go and get whatever you need. I'll meet you up around Don Corneo's house."

"Yeah, sure. . .", said Rachel. Laura left for the bathroom, and Rachel promptly kicked the machine. "BLARGH!" It fired again. "DAMN YOU!" She trudged out angrily, and as soon as she left, it came apart, and revealed a pile of gil. "Damn good for nothing machine. . ."

"YAY!", said Godo. "I WIN!"

"What?"

"A MASTERED SET OF MATERIA!", said Godo. "I think it's because I had this earth harp, or whatever."

"YOU NEED TO DEFEAT EMERALD WEAPON FOR THAT!", shouted Cloud. "HOW?!"

"Family heirloom. Have a butt load of those.", he said. "It's a part of being rich. AND I GOT THIS GOLD CHOCOBO, TOO!"

"WARK!" The chocobo was standing happily behind him.

"Hoo boy. . ."

"La, la, laaa. . .", sang Rachel, walking through the less cluttered streets of the wall market at the back. "I've gotten Tifa's present, Laura's present, Cloudy's present, hee. . . Now I only have a little bit left! Now, where is she?" Rachel was standing around the front of Don Corneo's house, waiting. She decided to take a stroll, until Laura came. Instead, what came was the noticed black flutter of a leather cloak. "Anybody there?" She saw the cloak disappear around the corner into an alley, where the break in the plate was to the surface. She rounded the corner, and hit somebody, falling on her bum. "SORRY! I- WHAT?!" Sephiroth himself was there.

"Tell me. . .he said in a deep voice, smooth and low, reaching for his masamune. "Why I shouldn't kill you."

"Sephy, stay back!", said a girl in black jeans, a black tank top, a white button up over shirt, black hair, and vivid MAKO blue eyes. "I shall handle this one." She swiftly reached the hilt of her sword, flashing it out aiming for Rachel's throat. Until in a clash of sparks, it stopped.

"Eeee. . .", whined Rachel, who had deftly taken out her sword in defense. She barely managed to block the long sword this girl had taken out. She scrambled to her feet, and took the fighting stance.

"NOBODY BLOCKS MY BLADE!", shouted the girl. "I SHALL-

"Stop right there, Surka.", said Sephiroth. "You won't stand a chance against her. I know that stance."

"But, Sephy-

"STOP! I need you as a key. . . You, girl.", said Sephiroth, moving his hand away from his sword. He pointed a finger at Rachel. "You have forgotten what you have seen. Tell Cloud nothing." He walked away, with that girl following.

"PHEW!"

"Yes, my pack mule!", laughed Godo, piling on Christmas presents for the court. He was stacking them, to his chocobo's displeasure, on it's back.

"Godo, you're Shinto.", said Vincent. "What's up?"

"SO MUCH STUFF!", he said. "ON SALE! THIS TRULY IS A BLESSED HOLIDAY!"

"Hey guys, guess what I have. . .", said Cloud, walking up.

"More cigars? Beer?", guessed Cid. "PORN?!"

"NOPE!", said Cloud. "BETTER!"

"Better then porn?!", asked Cid. "IMPOSSIBLE!"

"IT IS SOOO POSSIBLE!", said Cloud. "FIFTY GALLONS OF HAIR GEL, HALF OFF!"

"DIH! YOU SPIKY HAIRED IDIOT!", yelled Cid. "WHY HAIR GEL?! WE DON'T USE IT!"

"If it were Pantene Pro-V, it would be a different story. . .", muttered Vincent.

"What was that?"

"NOTHING!"

"Hey Rachel! Jesus, it looks like you saw Barney.", said Laura coming over. "I BOUGHT THESE REALLY COOL DAGGERS! WANNA SEE?!"

"I don't think so. . .", said Rachel.

"Rachel doesn't want to handle pointy, hazardous objects? Now I KNOW something's wrong. Would burning down Don Corneo's mansion help?", asked Laura. "It's right there."

"It's nothing. . .", said Rachel. "Let's go."

"Without burning things?"

"Okay, we'll just ransack his house, then burn it.", said Rachel. "FIRST TO HIS EVIL LOOKING LAB ROOM FIRST GETS TO TORMENT THE FIRST HENCHMAN!"

"YAY!"

"SO MANY LINES!!!", thought Tifa, waiting in yet another line. "And why do I smell smoke? I ONLY HAVE A HALF-HOUR LEFT! AND I NEED TO PAY FOR ALL THESE THINGS?! WHERE IS AERIS?!"

"This looks like something Cloud would like. . .", thought Aeris. "No, nevermind. I need to find something special." Her mind flashed back to the guy that looked like Zack. "No, it couldn't be. . .", she said. "I need to focus! AHA! PERFECT!"

"She looks happy. . .", said the woman, to the black-haired man. "Good. Why are we here, anyway?"

"I've been given a chance to see her again.", he said. "I'M NOT GONNA SCREW UP! The planet said, that if I win her back in a day, it'll leave me here. And, since YOU have a part in this happy story, I picked you and the other dude to come."

"You mean D-

"SHHH!", hissed the man. "SHE'LL HEAR!"

"Yes, I'd like this please.", said Aeris to the salesman. He rung it up, and she paid him the money, and left with a smile on her face, past the two.

"Has her father's damn swagger.", said the woman. "I KNEW he had such bad posture."

"You're concerned with her POSTURE?!", shouted the man. "You're incredible, you know that?"

"LOOK WHO I FOUND!", said the other man they brought with them. "MY ASSISTANT!" He pointed to Lucrecia, crossing the street. "SUCH GENIUS! AND SHE BOUGHT A NEW LAB SET! SHE HASN'T LOST HER TOUCH!"

"In love with her, are you?", asked the woman, annoyed.

"It's not like that!"

"Surrrrre. . . Let's get this mission done with."

"Wow, I hope Cloud likes this.", thought Aeris. She looked around in the crowded street, full of people hugging and smiling, children laughing, and the all around togetherness that the Christmas season has. "Everybody this time of year has somebody to hold on to. Family, friends, somebody. . . Family. . . Hmm. . ."

"WOOHA!", shouted Rachel, bobbing up beside her. "HIYA AERIS!"

"BLAAAAGH!", Aeris screamed. "Oh, hi Rachel."

"Are ya' ready to go?" Aeris just looked out a little blankly across the street, looking at a happy family, and a smiling couple.

"I guess I am."

"Her data doesn't exist. . .", said Reeve to himself, looking into a computer screen in a dim room. "It's as if she never existed at all. . . I swore I'd find information without her knowing, but why would they want all this? I'll just have to find out myself." Reeve took his jacket, and left out the door.

"FINISHED!", said Vincent, walking out of the weapon's shop.

"Whatcha get?!", asked Cloud. "COME ON!"

"NOOOOO!", said Vincent, pushing Cloud away.

"I KNOW IT'S SOMETHING SPECIAL!", teased Cloud. "YOINK!" He grabbed the item out of Vincent's bag. "AWWWW!" It was a special synthesized bangle, between a crystal bangle, precious watch, and minerva band, to make a choker with materia slots. "IT'S EVEN ENGRAVED!" In it's silver band, in letters on the back, it said, "Even if it's not meant to be, at least we'll have this Christmas, this bangle, this bond. Eternally, Vincent."

"SHUT UP!", said Vincent, snatching back. "It's nothing. . ."

"WHO'S IT FOR?!", jumped in Cid. "LUCRECIA?! SMOOCHY!"

"SHUT UP!"

"I SEE HE'S BECOME A ROMANTIC!", said Cloud. "AWWW! SO CUTE!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Ma-

"QUIET!" Vincent whipped out his shotgun.

"OKAY! JESUS!", said Cid. "Don't have to blow out our damn brains. . ."

"I can't. You don't have any. . .", mumbled Vincent.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

"Nothing!"

"We're back!", announced Rachel, walking up with Laura to Tifa.

"Good, I just got my stuff."

"BACK!", said Yuffie, with Shera and Lucrecia. "MUAHAHAHA! MATERIA!"

"I'm here!", said Aeris.

"LET'S GO!" Rachel and the others walked back to the car, and realized, WHERE IN HELL ARE ALL THE PRESENTS GONNA GO?!

"Hey, Vincent!", asked Cid.

"What?"

"I know something that'll cheer you up!"

"Wh-AAAAAGH!" Cid and Cloud pushed him into Santa's lap, in a department store.

"SANTA!", said Cloud.

"I am NOT gonna do this!", said Vincent.

"Stop being such an ass!", said an elf, pushing him back down as he tried to stand up. "Now, just go through with this."

"YOU SAID 'ASS'!", said a kid, pointing his finger to the elf. "Put a dollar in the swear jar!"

"I'LL SHOVE YOU IN A SWEAR JAR!", said the elf. Cid was highly amused.

"WAUGH! MOMMY!"

"HAHAHAHA!", laughed Cid. "Happy little elves I think not!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"I know!", said Rachel. "Let's put the excess stuff in the shack over there!"

"Are you sure it won't be taken?", asked Tifa, skeptically. "I mean, anybody could break into there."

"Nobody's here!" All the shops were closed, so nobody had a reason to be in the wall market. "SURE!" They hopped into the car, and fit what they could, then drove off.

"They left their stuff here.", said the black-haired man. "Perfect."

"What are you planning?", asked the woman. "Oh no. You're not suggesting. . ."

"We take up our old jobs?", asked the man. "Why not?"

"I'm not sure the Planet would like it. . .", said the older man. "I mean, we WERE good at our jobs, but we're here on business."

"THIS IS OUR BUSINESS GUYS!", said the black haired man. "And, nothing could be more perfect! I have just the person to do this to, as well. . ." He lifted an orb out of his pocket, that looked like clear materia, and the face of a happy, singing Rachel came up on it.

"OH WHAT FUN, IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE CHOCOBO OPEN SLEIGH!", she sang.

"She's a bit. . .dumb.", said the woman. "You sure?"

"I also have Aeris' present. . .", said the black-haired man. "We could do this to both. At least to that one. . ." Now, Zack was pointing to Tifa, covering her ears to drown out the singing. "What's her name? Tifa? I think she was that mountain tour guide from eight years ago."

"BRILLIANT!", said the older guy. "Although I'd hate to make Aeris cry or something. . ."

"Stop being so sensitive.", said the black-haired one. "It's not like I won't feel bad about it. What about you, Ifalna?"

"You know how I'll feel.", she said. "I won't like it, but if this is how you want to play it out. . ."

"Good. This is our plan. . ."

"Tell me what you want, little boy! HO, HO, HO!", laughed Santa, Vincent looking demeaned with a candy cane in hand.

"I don't want anything. . .", said Vincent. "I KNOW! LET ME GO YOU GODLESS SACK OF LARD!"

"Did you just call Santa a name?", asked the so-called Santa.

"YOU HAVE SATURATED CHRISTMAS WITH COMMERCIALS, SO WE HAVE ALL LOST RELIGIOUS MEANING! YOU ARE NO SAINT! SACRELIGIOUS!", yelled Vincent.

"HO, HO, HO!"

"Someone shoot me now. . ."

"Okay, the presents should be here. . .", said Rachel, looking around. "I'm sure they're supposed to be here. . ." Rachel brought along Aeris, Tifa, and Laura, to help haul the stuff. "Oops."

"OOPS?!", asked Tifa. "WHAT IS 'OOPS'?! I SPENT A LOT OF GIL ON THESE PRESENTS!"

"Well, you might wanna try something else. . .", said Rachel.

"Does that mean Cloud's gift is gone?", asked Aeris. "And it was perfect. . ."

"Sorry Aeris. . .", said Rachel. "Look, you can blame me-

"BLAME!", shouted Tifa, pointing her finger. "BLAME!"

"OR!", said Rachel. "You can forgive me."

"CHOICE NUMBER ONE!"

"Calm down.", said Laura. "Don't you thing she feels guilty enough?"

"No."

"Nevermind. . .", she sighed.

"Not here. . .", said Reeve, in Nibelheim. "I can't believe I'm doing this. . .Did I agree to this just to be nice? Come on, she's not here." Cait Sith was jumping about behind him.

"Where else would she be?", it asked.

"That's what I want to know. Do you think. . .? Nah, her shopping should be done by now. Let's go. They're on there own. I have enough info for that."

"That was so demeaning. . .", said Vincent, flying back on the Highwind.

"THAT WAS HILARIOUS!", shouted Cid, laughing so hard he was crying. "YOU NEARLY SHOT ALL THE ELVES!"

"THEY LOOKED AT ME FUNNY, THOSE PINT-SIZED CANNIBALS!", yelled Vincent.

"They're hired.", said Cloud. "And Godo had a better time."

"YAY!", said Godo, with candy canes in hand. "I LOVE THIS HOLIDAY!"

"It's a religious holiday, you know?", asked Cloud. "You're still Shinto."

"BIG WHOOP! WHERE DO I SIGN UP TO JOIN YOUR PAGAN RITUALS?!" They all sighed.

"Nevermind, Godo. . ."

"Great, I screwed up Christmas. . .", said Rachel to herself, trudging along the dark, empty streets of the wall market, in Sector 6. "I lost the presents, of all things. . ."

"Something wrong?" It was the black-haired man, but his face was nestled snug in a red cotton scarf. "I can tell."

"I screwed up Christmas. What are you, a hobo?", she asked.

"No, just someone who loves long walks. Where are you from?"

"Not of this world. Would you believe that?"

"Of course. Same here."

"WHAT?!", said Rachel. "IS THERE ANY WAY TO GET BACK?!"

"I see you must not like it here if you're so eager to leave."

"I wish I'd never come here. . .", said Rachel. "Maybe it would be better that way."

"Well, have an appointment at twelve.", said the man, looking at the clear orb, showing Tifa finishing decorations. "But I can try."

"What do you mean?", asked Rachel. "I'm here, and nothing can change that."

"I can. Look." He undid the scarf, and Rachel's eyes grew wider.

"ZACK?! I KNEW IT!", shouted Rachel. "Wow, you do look like Cloud."

"Thieving bastard, he took my sword. . .", said Zack. "I LOVED THAT SWORD! AND HE NEVER WAS A SOLDIER EITHER!"

"CALM DOWN!", shouted Rachel. "What was it about me never coming here?"

"I can change that.", he said.

"So, you're the angel of what?"

"Not necessarily angel. . .", he said. "More of a. . .field unit of Planet."

"What's it like there?"

"Oh lovely this time of year! I me- HEY! BACK ON TOPIC! Okay. . ." He was flipping through a book called "Miracles for Dummies", and looked back up at Rachel. "OKAY! CUE THE FOG!" A fog began enshrouding them, clouding up everything. "Rachel, what I'm about to show you, is this world if you never came here. We return to Wutai, where the palace is. Does this look familiar?"

"Yeah.", said Rachel. "OF COURSE! But how would I affect Yuffie?"

"YUFFIE!", shouted a man, who looked rather ugly. "COME!" Yuffie jumped out from the ceiling, dressed in great clothing.

"SEE?!", said Rachel. "She's just fine!"

"Yes. . .dear.", mumbled Yuffie.

"Wait. WHAT?!"

"Yep.", said Zack. "Without your appearance, Aeris never would have brought over Kalana, and Yuffie would've had to get married. Plus, Godo picked this guy, because it is customary for the man to rule."

"Damn sexists. . .", said Rachel. "Why aren't they noticing us?"

"You never existed in this world Rachel!", said Zack. "You couldn't possibly interact if you were never here!"

"Good point."

"Come!", said the ugly man, of about thirty. "To the. . .bedchamber. . .", said the man.

"EEEEW!", shouted Rachel. "EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW! IT BURNS! THE IMAGES, THEY BURN! YUFFIE, DON'T DO IT!"

"Yes. . .", she sighed.

"Where is Kalana when you need her?", asked Rachel.

"She's out of town.", said Zack. "She's not even from here. She came for Godo's martial arts school, but Tifa was in charge of advertising it as well. Without your appearance, it wasn't necessary for her to get a job. She works hard to keep you in her house, you know."

"I thought she kept me around for a free punching bag. . ."

"Come, to our next stop!", he said. "I HAVE A SCHEDULE TO KEEP! LET'S GO!"

"Where in hell is Rachel?", asked Tifa, to Aeris. "Wait. WHERE'S AERIS?!"

"AERIS!", said a commanding voice.

"Wha?" She woke up, from a nap in front of the fireplace. Tifa was over at Cloud's decorating.

"Wake up, honey!", said another voice.

"Who? You look familiar. . ." Aeris was looking up into the woman's face, who had the same hair and eyes. "Mom?"

"YES!", she said. "HAHA! YOU OWE ME MONEY!"

"Whatever. . .", said the man, who had used that voice. "We're married, we shouldn't gamble against each other. . ."

"Dad? I think.", said Aeris. "Who are you?"

"BOOYAH!", said Ifalna. "AND SHE DIDN'T REMEMBER YOU! THAT'S ANOTHER HUNDRED GIL!"

"I get it. . .", the man sighed. "I am Dr. Gast.", said he. "I am your father."

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", yelled Aeris. "Wait. No, I think that's right."

"Now where are we?", asked Rachel. "Why is it so cold?"

"We're in Icicle Inn.", said Zack. "Look." He pointed to Lucrecia, walking around with Hojo.

"HOJO!", yelled Rachel. "THE WEENIE MUST DIE!"

"YOU NEVER EXISTED IN THIS WORLD!", yelled Zack. "MORON!"

"Oh yeah, that's right."

"This is enough reason in itself.", said Zack. "Hojo would be alive, and Vincent would never see Lucrecia again."

"EEEEWW!", said Rachel. "THEY'RE KISSING! AND HE'S LIKE, MIDDLE AGED, AND LUCRECIA IS 25!"

"I know. Sad, isn't it? This world isn't the same without you. . ."

"But this still isn't enough.", said Rachel.

"No turning back?"

"Let's see more."

"So, this is where you live?", asked Ifalna, sitting down.

"Yeah, with two other people.", said Aeris. "Too bad I couldn't visit you. . .", said Aeris.

"What do you mean?"

"I died, and never got to the Planet.", said Aeris, merely shrugging off the fact.

"YOU DIED?!", yelled Gast. "Hmm, you look just fine for a dead person."

"I'm ALIVE dad.", said Aeris.

"How'd you die?"

"I got stabbed, in the City of the Ancients."  
"HUHWHA?!", he exclaimed. "I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO THERE!"

"Meh, it's okay.", said Ifalna. "Nothing much. It just looks like an underwater place on land."

"Like Sea World?"

"For a professor, you're an idiot.", said Aeris.

"Did you just insult your father?!", asked Gast.

"Calm down, dear.", said Ifalna. "She's still getting used to you. You died from Hojo killing you when she was 24 days old! Do you think she'd remember you?!"

"I guess not. . .", said Gast. "How is that damn Hojo?"

"Dead. Cloud killed him.", said Aeris.

"Cloud? AW, MY DAUGHTER HAS A BOYFRIEND!", said Ifalna.

"Mom. . ."

"We are in Nibelheim.", said Zack. "Take a good look."

"It looks the same.", Rachel said. "Except less tacky because there aren't any decorations."

"First, we'll go to Vincent's house."

"Why?"

"I'M THE ANGEL WITH THE MAGIC HERE! DO NOT QUESTION ME!"

"Fine. . ."

"Ugh. . .", they heard somebody say. "It's hopeless. . ."

"Yep, sounds like Vincent.", said Rachel. "He sounds depressed, like in the game. What's wrong? OH MY GOD!" Vincent was in a pink apron, pulling out this sunken soufflé. "WHY IS HE LIKE THAT?!"

"You never united him with Lucrecia, so he became bored, and started baking. He's girly now."

"And Laura. . .?"

"We're getting to her.", said Zack. "Now, come see Aeris, Tifa, and Cloud."

"Gravy. . ."

"Do you two want anything?", asked Aeris, bringing in some tea.

"Nah. On duty.", said Gast. "BUT LOOK AT MY LITTLE GIRL! SO POLITE!"

"I knew it was a good idea to give her to that woman before I died.", said Ifalna. "BUT HOW IS YOUR BOYFRIEND?!"

"Aw, mom. . .", sighed Aeris. "He's not my boyfriend. . ."

"You're blushing!", said Gast in a sing song voice. "COME ON!"

"I like him. . .", said Aeris. "But it's hard to get him to notice me. . ."

"Wait.", said Ifalna. "Shouldn't Zack be getting here soon?" CRASH! Aeris dropped her teacup.

"WHO DID YOU SAY?!", she asked.

"Um. . . Zack.", said Ifalna. "Why? Anything serious? He wanted to see you, but. . ."

"N-nothing. . .", said Aeris, sitting back down. "Just nothing. . ."

"Why do I have a feeling this will be interesting?", asked Rachel. "I mean, all THREE of them? Is this gonna be dirty?"

"I have no idea.", said Zack. "But I'll kill that Cloud if he lays one hand on Aeris. . ."

"I didn't think you two were really serious.", said Rachel. "She never mentions you much." Zack looked crushed.

"SHE DIDN'T?!", he exclaimed. "WHY?! I WAS IN SOLDIER JUST SO I COULD AFFORD AN ENGAGEMENT!"

"She just referred to you as some old boyfriend.", said Rachel. "And when are we gonna get there?"

"OH RIGHT!", said Zack. "OKAY! HERE WE GO!"

"Where in hell are they?", asked Aeris, by herself in a rather comfortable looking chair. "Another night alone I guess. . ."

"Why is she alone?", asked Rachel.

"Well, notice I didn't bring you to CLOUD'S HOUSE.", said Zack.

"Oh. OHHHHHHHH!", realized Rachel. "EEW!"

"Indeed.", he said. "Did you know you are the one who carried the flu? When you went to Icicle Inn to get the rest of Lucrecia's things?"

"So, since I carried the flu, but never existed. . ."

"Tifa never broke up with Cloud.", said Zack. "Getting the picture?"

"Yeah, but still, life goes on. They still seem rather happy. Well, except Aeris, but she's a naturally positive person."

"Guess who we're missing?", asked Zack.

"Reeve?"

"He's in Mideel, taking a vacation in a hot spring."

"Barret?"

"Lives happily in the soon-to-be rebuilt Corel with his daughter."

"Cid?"

"Still smoking, and damn proud."

"The Turks? Wait, nobody really cares. . . Red XII?"

"Nope. Still fine."

"Laura. . .", said Rachel after a moment. "She's here, right?"

"DING, DING, DING! WE HAVE A WINNER!", said Zack. "Go upstairs." Rachel walked warily up the stairs, and opened the door, to see Laura in her room. She apparently didn't wish to be bothered, because the door was locked, but Rachel and Zack could pass through doors. Rachel stood behind her.

"What's wrong with her?", asked Rachel. "She's just looking out the stupid window."

"Look closer." Laura was sitting there with a small tear.

"WHOA!", said Rachel. "But wait. DID VINCENT DO ANYTHING WRONG?! I'LL KILL HIM!"

"HOLD ON!", said Zack. "Listen."

"Nobody cares. . .", mumbled Laura. "They think I'm useless. I want to go back home. I wonder. . .What happened to Rachel?"

"See?!", said Zack. "SHE CARES! AND THE WORLD ISN'T QUITE THE SAME! GET WHAT THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS?!"

"No.", said Rachel. "Not really."

"IT MEANS, EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS AN IMPACT ON THIS WORLD, NO MATTER HOW INFINITESIMALLY SMALL THEY BELIEVE THEIR ROLE TO BE!", he yelled.

"Oh. Really?"

"YES!"

"I hope she's doing okay. . .", said Laura. "But why didn't she come? It's her story. . . I just wish she were here. . ."

"Wanna go back now?", asked Zack. "Because, I DO have the power to change all of this."

"Maybe. . .", said Rachel. "And maybe not. Somehow, I don't think this world needs me."

"You serve some greater purpose than what I have shown you.", said Zack. "Think about it. What do you think will happen if this world carries on without you? And, do you think Laura will ever get home? What if, she's gone in your world, but here in this one. Won't you miss her? I think you know how she feels."

"And everyone else?"

"They won't know or realize a thing. This is all your decision. And who knows, you can make up for this Christmas. Do you wish to go back?"

". . .no."

"What? Then you want to never come here?"

". . .no."

"Then what do you want?" Rachel's mind went back to the encounter with Sephiroth earlier that day.

"A key. . .", thought Rachel, remembering what he referred that girl as. "I know what I want."

"What?"

"I want you to protect this world.", said Rachel. "Because I'm not in it."

"So, you're sure you don't want to be here?"

"WHO SAID THAT!?", said Rachel, her mood lifting. "I'M NOT IN THIS WORLD, BUT I AM IN THE OTHER ONE! WANNA GO?!"

"You're strange child. . .", said Zack. "And, once you're ready."

"I want you to do one thing for me before we leave."

"What?"

"So, you're saying, Zack is with you?", asked Aeris, cleaning up the spill.

"Not right now, but he should be here shortly. Why?", said Ifalna.

"It's just. . . This is Cloud." She handed over a picture of him.

"WHOAAAAA!", said Gast. "He looks just like him! Well, except for the face. . ."

"Exactly.", said Aeris.

"And your point?"

"I always thought that Cloud was some sort of extension of Zack.", said Aeris. "Like, his own other self. I mean, I always believed Cloud was his own person, but they seemed too much alike, they knew each other, but still. . .nevermind. It's a silly thought."

"HEY LAURA!"

"OH MY GOD!", screamed Laura, jumping out of her seat from the window. "RACHEL?!"

"THE ONE AND ONLY!", said Rachel. She gave the thumbs up sign to Zack, who had allowed her to be visible for an amount of time.

"Is that. . .you? EEEK! Laura could move her hand through Rachel.

"ZACK!", barked Rachel. "WHAT'S UP WITH THIS?!"

"Sorry. . . Here." With a wave of his hand, he restored Rachel, who now was solid.

"Zack? What's going on?", asked Laura. "Why are you here? HOW?!"

"It's a long story. . .", said Rachel. "I'm just here to say, DON'T GIVE UP HOPE, YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE NOT USELESS! DON'T RELY ON WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOU! THAT IS THE DOWNFALL OF MANY HUMAN BEINGS! HAVEN'T I TAUGHT YOU ANYTHING?!"

"You taught me how to blow snot bubbles.", said Laura. "But nothing else."

"HEE! THOSE BUBBLES ARE FUN AREN'T THEY?! HEY! DON'T GET ME OFF TOPIC!"

"Sorry. . ."

"WELL, I'VE TAUGHT YOU ANOTHER THING! ZACK! IF YOU WILL!?" Rachel became invisible again. THUD! They both tried to pass through the door, but Rachel was still solid. "ZACK!"

"Sorry. . ." She passed through.

"Thank you."

"What the hell just happened?", asked Laura, getting up to her feet. "Oh well. And what the hell was I drinking to get THAT reaction?!"

"Sorry if I startled you honey. . .", apologized Ifalna. "But I know something's wrong."

"How would you know?", asked Aeris.

"Let's just say mother's intuition, and that it's completely obvious. Even you're father can tell, and he's not that observant at times."

"DAMMIT!", he yelled, watching football. "THOSE STUPID ICICLE INN BANDERSNATCHES ARE LOSING TO THE WUTAIAN SAMURAIS!"

"Only dad, huh?", asked Aeris.

"Well. . .", said Professor Gast, "I haven't seen football in the real world for about twenty-two years, and so far, the leaders in the league are the Midgar Chocobos, then there's the Rocket Town Meteors, and-

"No dad, I wasn't talking about football.", said Aeris. "Nevermind, let's just skip it. . ."

"No, tell us what's on your mind.", said Ifalna.

"It's just that, Christmas is a time for family, and well, you're dead, and I generally have no relatives. And as for friends, Tifa is sorta busy next door, and I have no idea where in hell the rest are."

"Don't worry, we're here for Christmas!", said Gast. "And Zack is coming later!" Aeris shuddered. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No, forget it."

"You don't feel comfortable talking to us?", asked Ifalna.

"I must admit, it's weird talking to parents who are supposed to be dead. And well um, you look. . ."

"Too young to be your mother, Aeris?", Ifalna said. "At the Planet, you don't age from the time when you died, and I was 25, and your father is thirty. . ."

"So technically, you're only three years older than I am.", said Aeris. "Creepy."

"Saves me money on anti-wrinkle cream, though."

"And I won't bald.", said Gast.

"Nevermind. . ."

"I'm getting seasick . .", said Rachel, turning a shade of green. They were in a spinning, spiraling vortex to get back to their world.

"I think this is it.", said Zack. POOF! Rachel was in her room again.

"WOOHOO! I'M BACK TO MY WORLD!"

"And what about Laura. Want to go back and get her?"

"OF COURSE!", said Rachel."

"Just one minor set back. . .", said Zack. "I only have enough awesome, astounding magic power to go to one more place. I can leave you here and I can go back, or, you can come with me back. Do you stay, or do you leave? STOPPIT!" Rachel was surfing the internet on the computer that still had her story on it.

"Sorry."

"So, leave or stay?"

"Can I bring a barf bag if I go?"

"NO!"

"Can't you just use those powers to transport Laura here?"

"NO!"

"Can I have a pony?"

"NO!"

"Where in hell is Rachel?", asked Laura, walking around the dark streets of the Wall Market. "I thought she was here. Funky. . ." POOF! Zack appeared. Alone.

"That's a new decision. Normally they feel sympathetic and come back."

"HEY! ZACK LOOK-ALIKE!", yelled Laura. "HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE THIS GIRL IS?!" She handed in a picture of Rachel giving the V-sign.

"It's a long story. . .", said Zack.

"OH MY GOD! YOU AREN'T!", yelled Laura.

"Yes, I'm a-

"YOU'RE A RAPIST!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!", yelled Zack. "I'M AN ANGEL FROMT HE PLANET!"

"Oh. So what happened to Rachel?"

"Ugh. . ."

"WOOH! Finished!", said Tifa, walking out of Cloud's house, now decorated. "He better pay me a lot of money for this. Aeris, are you- WAUGH!" She saw Aeris' parents in their, casually having a cup of tea.

"Um, hi?", said Ifalna. "JOHN! SAY SOMETHING!", she hissed to Gast.

"OH! Um, hey there pretty lady. . . Can I have your number?"

"IDIOT!", yelled Ifalna. "I'M YOUR WIFE, REMEMBER?!"

"What's going on here?", asked Tifa. "Am I missing something?"

"Let me explain. . .", said Aeris. "If I can. . ."

"RACHEL ISN'T COMING BACK?!", yelled Laura.

"Well, she figured she was only a minor person, and you could get on without her. She said she'd done enough."

"I'LL KILL HER! YO! USE YOUR FUNNY PIXIE MAGIC NOW ZACK!", demanded Laura, grabbing him by the scruff of his shirt.

"YEEEK! I DON'T HAVE ANY LEFT! IT TAKES A WHILE TO REGENERATE IF I'M NOT ON THE PLANET!"

"HOW LONG?!"  
"A MONTH WITHOUT IT!"

"AGH! HOW DO WE GET YOU BACK TO THE PLANET?!"

"I MUST BE RECALLED WITHOUT ANYTHING LEFT!"

"SO YOU'RE STUCK HERE, AND RACHEL IS GONE?!"

"Pretty much. . ."

"YOU'RE GONNA DIE!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEPPPP! LOOK! IT WAS HER CHOICE NOT MINE! AND I HAVE TO GET TO NIBELHEIM!"

"WHY?! FOR YOUR FUNERAL?!"

"I'M ALREADY DEAD IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER!"

"Oh yeah. . ."

"Exactly. . .", said Zack, prying of Laura's fingers. "But, I have to fix this. . .thing."

"So, no wonder they looked familiar from that tape.", said Tifa.

"What tape?", asked Aeris.

"NOTHING!"

"YOU FOUND MY TAPES?!", shouted Gast. "YOU SAW NOTHING!"

"I meant the ones about you asking Ifalna questions about the Ancients and Weapon."

"Oh. THOSE tapes! PHEW!"

"What other tapes were there?", asked Ifalna in a disapproving tone, giving him an angry glare.

"Um, nothing dear. . ."

"Aeris. . .?", said a familiar tone. Aeris turned around when she saw Tifa clasp her hands over her mouth to prevent herself from screaming, and Aeris nearly fainted. It was Zack, in the flesh.

"ZACK?!"

"The one and only!"

"Where the hell did Zack poof himself off to?", asked Laura. "HE COULD'VE AT LEAST TAKEN ME!"

"Maybe that wasn't such a great idea. . .", said Rachel, standing up in front of her computer. "And mom and dad aren't home. . . And I bet Laura is freaking out. . . But everyone else should be happy, right? It's not like I'm gonna annoy them anymore, and I won't be such a burden to bear. . ." She turned around, and saw the computer screen, with her story still on it, and she grinned.

"Cid, it's been an hour.", said Vincent. "Why are we still here?"

"COME ON VINSHE!", said Cloud, drunk. "SHTRIP CLUBSHH ARE FUUNNNNN!"

"I AM NOT A PERVERT!", yelled Vincent.

"You know you're having fun.", said Cid, trying to catch a girl's panties. "I KNOW I AM!"

"Shera's gonna kick you out. . .again. . .", said Vincent, as a waitress made a pass at him. "LET'S GO!"

"Dammit, fine. . .", sighed Cid. "Let's go. Help me haul Cloud out, will ya'?"

"Glahhg! How to get Rachel back. . .? Time vortex? I know Demi materia is a compression of gravity, but not time! Wait. Time materia? No, time wouldn't change anything. . ."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. . ." Laura could here yelling from somewhere. "AAAAAAA. . ." She looked up. "AAAAGHH!"

"OW! WHAT THE HELL?!" Rachel fell on top of Laura.

"HI LAURA!"

"My spleen. . .", Laura moaned. "I think it's crushed. . ."

"Whoops. BUT I'M BACK!"

"Great, NOW GET OFF!"

"Jesus, sorry Madam Crabby-pants." Rachel stood up, and helped Laura to her feet.

"Now. . .", said Laura.

"Happy to see me?"

"YOU ARE SO DEAD!"

"AAAAAAHHH!"

"Well, this is odd. . .", said Aeris, sitting around with the ones who were supposed to be dead, and Tifa, still overcoming the shock.

"Um, where's Rachel. . .?", asked Tifa.

"I dunno, Laura is trying to find her.", said Aeris.

"Doesn't matter.", sighed Tifa. "She's probably dead in a ditch."

"Isn't that a bit harsh?"

"She's annoying! I don't care!"

"Um, there's a bit of a different story. . .", said Zack. "But hey, she's still alive, plus, you won't be bothered by her again!"

"Good. . .", mumbled Tifa.

"I CAN'T STAND IT!", yelled Gast. "YOU ARE WAY TOO HARSH!"

"Uh, honey. . .?", said Ifalna. "Aren't you being a bit loud. . .?

"LOOK! SHE TRIED HER BEST TO NOT ANNOY YOU! SHE DOES HER SHARE OF WORK! SHE'S PUT UP WITH A LOAD OF CRAP FROM YOU! ZACK! FOG PLEASE!"

"Um, Gast dude? Have you lost it?", asked Zack. "Time vortexes aren't for the mentally crazed."

"I'M POSITIVE!"

"What's going on?", asked Aeris. "What about time vortexes?"

"WE ARE THE GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS!", said Zack. "I thought you might flip if I told you. . ." And indeed, Aeris had spaced out. "Aeris? Aeris? Oh boy. . ."

"Why DO you want to fix this?", asked Ifalna to her husband.

"She might not be too smart-

"Actually, she's the one who calculates a lot of the bills. . .", said Tifa.

"Okay, then maybe she is smarter than you think, BUT SHE HAS A HEART! Right? And besides, next of all, you're beginning to annoy me."

"Me?", asked Tifa. "I'm sorry if you don't like the fact I have a low opinion of her, but that's how I feel."

"THEN WE SHALL CHANGE THAT! FINE, I'LL START UP THE FOG!" Gast clapped, and a fog swept across the floor. "Ahem!", he coughed. He picked up a book, and opened to a page, and began to read. "AND I QUOTE! THIS NIGHT YOU SHALL BE VISITED BY THE THREE GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS, IN ORDER TO CHANGE YOUR WAYS!"

"What's so bad about my ways? WHAT ABOUT MY WAYS?!"

"QUIET! DO NOT ARGUE WITH THE GHOSTS! NOW, THIS IS TO CORRECT YOUR HARSH DICTATOR WAYS! Now, I'm supposed to vanish like so. . ." He snapped his fingers, and he disappeared.

"Don't be freaked out by your dad, dear.", said Ifalna to Aeris, who had stopped spacing out. "He's always been this. . .enthusiastic. Well, I'm off!" She disappeared.

"I'll clear this up later!", said Zack. "Gotta go!" And in an explosion of blue mist, he was gone as well.

"I have a question, Tifa.", said Aeris.

"What?"

"Why am I in this vortex, too?"

"I have no idea. . ."

"GAAAAHK! LET ME GO!", choked Rachel, trying to push off Laura from her grip on her neck. "I KNOW KARATE!"

"AND I KNOW JUDO! I'M NOT LETTING GO!", yelled Laura. Rachel swung her head back, and butted Laura's face. "OUCH! WHY YOU!" Laura grabbed Rachel's arm, and twisted it over her shoulder.

"AGH! PAIN! IT'S PAINFUL! STOPPIT!" Rachel put her left leg behind Laura's, then moved her right leg forward and swung it at the back of Laura's knee. It bent, and Laura fell to the ground. "I've taken three years of karate, and I'm not about to be stopped by someone who has taken 3 months of Judo.", said Rachel, rubbing her arm.

"Ouch. . .", moaned Laura. "Note to self: Don't try and beat up somebody who gives black belts black eyes. BUT WHY DID YOU WANT TO LEAVE?!"

"I figured I wasn't necessary.", said Rachel. "And I also thought you'd be better off without me."

"Now, why?!", asked Laura. "I never complained about you."

"But everyone else did, and it's hard to put up with rejection, you know? It's like they were always saying how much of a pain I was ever since I got here, but they seem to be okay with you. Even Vincent likes you now, but I don't have much to hang on to." Laura just sighed and smiled.

"So, you thought you could just leave?", she asked. "Nobody bails out that easily. And it was just as hard for me, too. "

"Was it really?", asked Rachel.

"Remember back when I fell off the cliff strapped onto that chocobo?"

"HAH! HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN!?", laughed Rachel. "That went in the scrapbook."

"Shut up. . . Anyway, remember that Vincent really didn't want to? And he dropped me? Remember how much I was resented? You just have to work at it."

"It still doesn't matter.", said Rachel. "And stop giving me a sermon. I came back, didn't I?"

"Yeah, true. . .", said Laura. "But you still talk like you're unappreciated. You are, trust me. I probably would've had a breakdown if you weren't here at all." Rachel had this nervous smile as she remembered the little flashback with Zack. Hey, that rhymes. "What are you smiling about?"

"Nothing. . ."

"Good. In that case. . ." Laura smacked Rachel upside the head.

"OUCH! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"

"THAT WAS FOR TRIPPING ME!"

"Ghosts of Christmas, my ass. . .", mumbled Tifa, getting out of the vortex. Aeris was strangely gone. "Aeris? Oh, I know, this is a joke, isn't it? You can come out now!" Nothing happened.

"Hi there, Tifa.", said Zack, walking up behind her.

"GAH!"

"YEP! I'M THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST! My domain is all that resides in the memories and possibilities of the past! Cool, huh?"

"I always thought the future as better."

"OH SURE! EVERYBODY SAYS THE FUTURE IS COOLER! WELL, THERE WOULD'NT BE A FUTURE WITHOUT A PAST! AHEM!", he coughed. "Sorry, I'm off topic. Anyway, I'm here to show you wrong doings of the past! LIGHTS!" The light dimmed. "I love controlling elements of nature. Okay, so, here we are."

"What a damn slave driver. . .", mumbled Rachel, walking down the stairs. "All I do is try to clean the piano like she said but nooooooooooo! She thinks I broke it intentionally. . ."

"Remember this?", asked Zack. "Cruel and unusual punishment." Rachel was scrubbing the hardwood floor with a toothbrush. "Plus, this is also known as a breach of innocent until proven guilty. She WAS just doing as you said."

"Not convinced.", said Tifa. "What about when she burned down the kitchen?!"

"She was trying to fix it, and wash the dishes. As far as I know, that's not a crime. ON TO THE NEXT SHOW!" He clapped his hands, and they appeared at the barn, where Rachel and Laura were shoveling chocobo crap. "This, is for killing the grass in the backyard."

"And don't tell me, they were innocent?"

"Nah, they were really the ones who did it.", he said. "But it wasn't the entire lawn, only a patch. CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT!"

"Since when were you the ghost of trial and judgment?"

"I WANT to be it, and so far, there's an opening in the field so I figured I-

"GET ON WITH IT.", said Tifa. "I don't have the time."

"BUT I DO!"

"You're the ghost of the past. Of course you do."

"SO TOO BAD! COME, WE HAVE ONE MORE THING TO SEE!"

"Thank god. .."

"Now, take my hand.", he said.

"Why? You're Aeris' old boyfriend. . ."

"I wouldn't dream of it.", he said, still smiling. "Now, give me your hand, or I'll keep you stranded here."

"Fine." She put her hand in his.

"Good!", he said. "HOLD ON!" He disappeared with her in that thick blue mist.

"Where the hell is everybody?", asked Cloud, walking in with Vincent. "Aeris, where is everybody?" Aeris was sitting on the couch, just waking up from what happened.

"My head. . .", she mumbled. She was knocked out again.

"Aw, futz."

"Does a barf bag come on this mystical journey?", asked Tifa, popping up with Zack at a house in Costa Del Sol.

"Why does everybody complain about my driving? I only take you back a few months, and BAM! You have nausea! Don't complain, will ya'?!"

"Whatever. . . So, why are we here?"

"OW, OUCH, OWIE, OOF! DAMMIT!" Rachel took a fall down the stairs of the cabana to the basement. "I can't believe I have to do this. . ."

"Is this where she. . .?"

"Yep, this it.", said Zack. "Probably the most embarrassing thing she has ever done. Rachel had put on a pink chocobo suit, and trudged up the stairs. "To preserve what happened, all I can say is, it was totally UNFAIR, and, those children are STILL having nightmares."

"Hey, I said for her to do a dance in public, not fall over and put a tear in the back of that suit.", said Tifa. "AND IT WAS A DISCIPLINARY ACTION!"

"Aeris handles it much more. . .mercifully."

"You were her boyfriend until you DIED. Of course you're in her favor."

"And she even prettier years later. . . OOF!" Tifa elbowed him in the gut.

"I don't care how much you're like Cloud, just get us the hell out of here."

"FINE! Just don't gut me again, it hurts. . ." Again, they appeared out of the mist, in the living room in front of Cloud.

"WHAT THE HELL?! ZACK?!", Cloud yelled. Zack, looked up, and became red. HE WANTED HIS SWORD BACK.

"GIVE ME BACK MY SWORD!"

"NEVER! IT'S MINE NOW!"

"STOPPIT YOU TWO!" Ifalna walked out from a shadowy corner, to split up the two. With a wave of her hand, Zack had disappeared. "I love having more power than him."

"Um, thanks?", said Cloud. "Who are you?"

"Ifalna, nice to meetcha!", she said rather happily. Aeris had woken up again. "Aeris, is this your boyfriend? His hair is. . .interesting."

"Mom, he's not my boyfriend. . ."

"MOM?!", yelled Cloud. "YOU'RE HER MOTHER?!" HE fell unconscious to the ground, not having any idea what the hell the dead were doing from their graves.

"Oh dear. . .", sighed Ifalna. "Well, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present. Ready to go? GET BACK HERE!" Tifa was sneaking up the stairs.

"Fine, let's go. . ."

"YOU RENAMED HIM?!", yelled Rachel, situation herself on Laura's chocobo, now aptly named Angelo.

"I LIKE THAT NAME!", said Laura happily.

"But Nat is the name of your boyfriend. . ."

"Actually, I broke up with him the day before we wound up here."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"

"I think I forgot. . ."

"God. . . Come on, let's get. . .Angelo, out of here. I'm freezing my arse off."

"RIGHTY-O! ONWARDS!" Laura hopped on, and they rode off to Nibelheim.

"Christmas present?", asked Tifa. "Wouldn't that be now? You know, you wouldn't have more power than the past.

"No, I just have more power because he's so juvenile.", replied Ifalna.

"Oh."

"So, are ya' gonna be nicer now?"

"You didn't show me anything, you realize that, right?"

"I mean BEFORE I do anything. I'd hate to leave Aeris to stay alone with that unconscious dude back there."

"Don't worry about Cloud. . ."

"THAT'S CLOUD?!", shouted Ifalna. "THAT'S the guy Aeris likes? Oh, I shouldn't have died before I could teach her good taste in men. . .", she sniffled. "OH WELL, ON WITH THE LESSON!"  
"You're a positive person, aren't you?"

"THAT'S HOW I GOT THE JOB! OKAY, ON TO OUR FIRST AND ONLY VISION!"

"Only one?"

"You're a special case, unlike that Scrooge guy. You're not as advanced, but, you're getting there."

"You mean I'll be rich, old, and mean?", asked Tifa. "Not to mention ugly. . ."

"Um, no. . ."

"Then what do you mean?"

"HERE WE ARE!"

"But-

"HERE WE ARE!", repeated Ifalna.

"But- Ifalna started whistling.

"Why are you whistling?"

"I'd tap dance too, if it would change the subject. Now, look here." She was pointing to Rachel, looking all beat up an tired behind Laura, guiding the gold chocobo. "Rachel wouldn't be so beaten up if you didn't yell at her."

"She lost the presents!", reasoned Tifa. "What else could I do?!"

"Oh that's right, we have your presents.", said Ifalna.

"YOU WHAT?!" Ifalna began whistling again. "STOPPIT!"

"Fine. . .", she said. "But you really should be nicer. People perceive you to be, you know?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"In this so-called videogame in Rachel and Laura's world, you were probably one of the nicer characters. Now, in this reality, or as to us, our reality, you're a. . . how should I state this? A bitch?"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!"

"DON'T HARM THE ONE WITH THE MAGIC!", cautioned Ifalna.

"You have the domain of the present.", said Tifa. "How the hell are you gonna harm me?" She was whistling again. "You don't have a lot of answers, do you?"

"I left the 'How to be a Christmas Ghost for Dummies' book at the Planet. . .", said Ifalna. "I'm lost without it."

"I see.", said Tifa. "I thought Rachel was gone."

"Um, no. . ."

"Why not?!"

"She found a hole in the space/time continuum when she wrote her story. . .", said Ifalna. "You see, while the Planet was garnering an extra bit of energy to heal itself, there was an energy gap. A gateway, if you want to call it that. And what happened in her story. . ."

"Happened here?", asked Tifa.

"A smart one, aren't you? Okay, so yes, that's what happened."

"Was it just a lucky guess?"

"You'll find out later about her, trust me."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Shall I start doing the tap dance?", asked Ifalna.

"Um, no thanks."

"GOOD! 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW!"  
"Thank god Aeris didn't inherit her parents ditziness. . .", mumbled Tifa.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing. . ."

"Anyway! So, they slipped through this energy gap while the Planet tried to gain this burst in energy, so it weakened the borders between our dimensions. Ever heard that a story has more to it? Well, it just so happens that with every great story, there is. Each has it's own dimension, that there lacks a door to. And only certain things pass through these doors. For instance, I had to, to cross into the world of the living again. But in the case of Rachel, she fell into this one. But also, another thing is required to cross. Your mind must be dormant, and willing to fall into another state."

"And this would be. . .?", said Tifa, needing more information.

"The state of sleep.", said Ifalna. "In sleep, brain current changes. So, her mind was dormant, along with Laura's, who had also been asleep. Since the mind and body was dormant, the gap was opening, and that there was such a hole, she just sorta. . . Fell through. John is better at explaining these things. . ."

"John?", asked Tifa.

"Oh, Professor Gast.", said Ifalna. "But BACK TO THE MEANING! Ow. . ." Rachel was so tired, she fell of the chocobo. "The meaning is. . ."

"I'm a bitch?", asked Tifa.

"EXACTLY! SO COOL YOUR JETS! BACK TO THE-

"This IS the present."

"Oh. OH YEAH! Well then, BACK TO NIBELHEIM!" In a shroud of red smoke, they disappeared, back into Nibelheim.

"Ow. . .", mumbled Rachel.

"Are you okay?", asked Laura, helping her up.

"Yeah. Did you see red smoke back there?"

"Nope. You're seeing things."

"Ouch. . ."

"WOO! Hey Aeris, we're back!", said Ifalna.

"And I now know where your positive side comes from. . .", mumbled Tifa. "Do I really have to? I get the point now."

"Yes, you have to go with him." POOF!

"HI THERE!" Gast popped up next to Tifa.

"BLAGH! Don't do that!"

"SORRY! IT'S MY JOB! Now, as to fulfill my job. . ." Black smoke rose up and encircled him, until he came out, wearing an eerie black cloak. "Okay sweetie, I'm off to work!", he said to Aeris.

"Don't mind your father. . .", said Ifalna.

"Don't worry. . .", said Aeris. "This is a part of being a mad scientist, right?"

"MAD SCIENTIST?!", yelled Gast. "HOJO WAS A MAD SCIENTIST! BUT I AM A GENIUS!"

"Whatever you say, dad. . ."

"I AM OFF!" And in a flash, Tifa was gone with Gast.

"Hello?", asked Rachel, sticking her head in the door. "I'M BACK! And um, I see dead people. . ." She couldn't help but stare at Zack on the couch asleep, and Ifalna casually talking to Cloud, with Aeris with a sweat mark.

"NOW!", shouted a booming voice. "FEAR ME, FOR I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE!"

"I know who you are. . .", said Tifa.

"Darn.", he said, popping up, with the cloak hood down. "It normally works better if my victims don't know me."

"Where the hell are we?", asked Tifa. They were in a room with nothing but black, with no walls, in what seemed like the Lifestream. "Am I in here AGAIN?!"

"Sorta. . .", said Gast. "ANYHOO! I AM TO SHOW YOU VISIONS OF THE FUTURE!" He waved his hands up and down, making all sorts of weird noises.

"That's not helping your scary effect.", said Tifa.

"It's not?"

"No."

"Not even a little?"

"You're more funny than scary."

"Is that good?"

"Nope."

"DAMMIT!", he yelled. "Okay, a vision of the future. . ." He looked in his book, and looked back up. "I'VE GOT ONE!" All of a sudden, Tifa was standing in her brightly lit living room. "Go to the backyard." She walked back, and what met with her eyes was. . . well, terrifying to her at least. She saw Rachel and Laura with war paint on, chanting curses, and with a life size dummy of Tifa, burning at the stake.

"That's not pleasant. . .", said Tifa.

"NOPE! IT'S NOT!", he said with a clueless smile.

"What a ditz. . ."

"Get the point?"  
"I GOT THE STUPID POINT AT THE LAST ONE!", yelled Tifa.

"It doesn't sound like you learned anything. . .", he said bittersweetly.

"GOD. . . Yes, I have learned my lesson, and am willing to reform my heathenistic ways. . ."

"Heathenistic is not a word. . ."

"FINE! I am willing to reform my dastardly ways, in sake of preserving peace in my household."

"GOODY, GOODY GUMDROPS!", he said with the same stupid smile.

"Are you sure you're brilliant? You didn't hit your head on the way up?"

"POSITIVE!"

"Jesus, what about you made you eligible to get married in the first place? Balloon animals?"

"NO! Balloon animals are a hobby. . .", he said. "I TREATED HER LIKE A REAL HUMAN BEING, INSTEAD OF SOME SORT OF FREAK JUST BECAUSE SHE'S A CETRA!"

"I would've thought it made you special. I mean, it does increase your magic capacity and you look just like a normal human being."

"I believe you coined this term. It's 'the voices'."

"Ah."

"Um, don't mind them. . .", said Aeris. "Just move Zack's feet and sit down."

"Eew, I'm not touching his feet!", said Laura. "It reminds me of a storm drain."

"Or a sewer.", said Rachel.

"GAHK!", said Zack, bolting upright. Aeris hit him on the head to wake up. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"

"You're taking up the entire couch. Move it."

"And I came back here to win you over. . ."

"Say WHAT?!", shouted Aeris. "I thought you were just doing you Ghost of Christmas job!"

"NOPE!", he said. "So, what do you say, Aeris? If you accept me, I get to stay here." Cloud was still unconscious, and when she looked at her mother, she just shrugged.

"It's your decision. Personally, his feet stink and he burps really loud, but otherwise, he's just like that blonde version over there."

"AND, I'M AN ACTUAL SOLDIER! Not like that fraud I save over there. . ."

"How, DID you die anyway?"

"I GOT SHOT SAVING HIS ASS!", he said. "I GIVE HIM THE CLOTHES, I GIVE HIM THE RIDE WITH ME ON THAT TRUCK, AND FOR WHAT?! EVEN THOUGH WE WERE GONNA GO INTO BUSINESS TOGETHER, HE STEALS MY SWORD AFTER I SAVE HIS ASS!"

"Calm down. . .", she sighed. "Okay, m answer is-

"JESUS, THAT WAS POINTLESS!", said Tifa, popping back up with Gast. "Oh." She saw Zack on his knees, looking like he was about to propose to Aeris. "Am I interrupting something?"

"It's nothing. . .", said Aeris.

"What the hell is going on here?!", asked Vincent, coming from the upstairs. "I go to the bathroom, and we already have guests! WHO ARE THEY?!"

"Hey, Aeris, I like this one!", said Ifalna, walking over to Vincent and taking his arm. She was pretty, so he blushed that somebody took such an instant liking to him with being civil about it.

"Hey, who's this?", asked Vincent.

"Um, that's my mom. . .", said Aeris.

"YEEK! GET HER OFF!"

"I'M 25!", said Ifalna. "JESUS!"

"Not to mention your HUSBAND is standing right here. . .", glowered Gast.

"Oh yeah. . .", remembered Ifalna. "Although if I DID age, I'd be about. . . let's see, she was 4 when I died, so that means I would be in my forties. Yowch."

"Wait. SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!", shouted Vincent. "YEEEEEEK! I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!"

"Don't freak out.", said Cloud. "You get used to it after. . . fifteen minutes."

"What an interesting Christmas. . .", said Laura. "We get dead people as guests."

"Not to mention Sephiroth. . .", mumbled Rachel.

"Who now?", asked Cloud.

"NOBODY!"

"And it's not Christmas yet.", said Tifa.

"Au contraire.", said Rachel. "It's twelve forty in the morning."

"Oops."

"OH YEAH! Here are your presents!", said Zack, pulling up a bag.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!", shouted Tifa. She began strangling Zack.

"Shouldn't we stop her?", asked Ifalna. "I mean, WERE supposed to teach her something. . ."

"No, I like this. . .", said Gast. "HIS EYES BUG OUT!"

"Why did I marry you. . .?"

"What? WHAT?!"

"Here, Cloud. . .", said Aeris, while the others were watching Zack and Tifa fight.

"What is it? It's too small to be a sword. . ." She unwrapped it, and it was a picture frame.

"I know it's not much. . .", she said. "But I want you to remember these things. I recall that you used to have such a problem in the past, and I want you to keep these memories. Put whatever means anything to you in it. Even if it's your. . .hair."

"MY HAIR?!"

"You must admit, it IS a bit. . .odd. But then again, I don't think many people would forget it!", she said, laughing.

"HEY! I LIKE THE HAIR!"

"Sure. And let's see you keep that statement in a few years when you want to change it."

"Hey, this kind of hair won't EVER go out of style."

"True Cloud. . .", she said, walking away. "You can't put anything out of style that never was in style."

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!" She turned around with a mischievous smile.

"You know what I mean." She was about to walk up the stairs, when there was a knock at the door.

"I GOT IT!", said Rachel, running to the door. "OH, AND PUT DOWN TEN GIL THAT TIFA KICKS THE CRAP OUT OF ZACK!"

"It look like you're having a nice Christmas." Reeve was at the door, looking in at Tifa pummeling Zack. "I think you have a visitor for Aeris."

"Um, hi Aeris."

"MOM?!"

"Yes?", said Ifalna.

"NO! THE OTHER MOM!" Elmyra was standing outside at the door.

"Hey, you look familiar. . .", said Ifalna, walking up to her. "Aren't you the one I asked to take care of Aeris?"

"Aren't you the one who DIED?!", asked Elmyra.

"Oh. THIS IS WEIRD ISN'T IT?!"

"You have no idea. . .", sighed Rachel.

"HEY! NOW THE WHOLE CAST OF FF7 IS HERE!", said Laura. "Well, except for Sephiroth and some of AVALANCHE. . . BUT MOST OF THE RARELY APPEARING CHARACTERS ARE!"

"Weird Christmas. . .", said Tifa, after knocking out Zack, covered with cuts and bruises.

"Hmm. . .", said Gast, examining Elmyra. "You're the one who took care of my little girl?"

"Um. . .yeah. . .", she said, freaked out by his manner.

"WANNA BE MY GUINEA PIG ON ONE OF MY EXPERIMENTS?!"

"Don't mind him. . .", said Ifalna, dragging him away. "He's easily excited. . ."

"YOU MUST TO BE THE GENIUS THAT IS GAST!", he declared.

"Um, hey Laura. . .", said Vincent, nervously. He walked away from all the commotion in the living room, to where Laura was in the door of the kitchen.

"Hey Vince.", she said casually.

"Um, no Vinnie?", he asked.

"You said not to call you it. Now get out of my way." She wanted to see who was yelling, but Vincent took up a lot of the small doorway.

"Uh, here. . ." He handed her the silver synthesized bangle, that was engraved. He looked extremely nervous. She was reading the engraved message when he began to walk away, but she grabbed his wrist and smiled.

"HEY LOOK!", shouted Rachel. "MISTLETOE! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!" And indeed, they were under the mistletoe.

"And what if I don't want to?!", said Laura.

"Too bad." Vincent bent down to her height (hey, he's 6' and she's 5" 2'. There's a lot of difference!), and well. . . frenched her one.

"WOOOOOOOH!", said Rachel, taking a picture. "THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD WHEN IT DEVELOPS!"

"GET BACK HERE!", yelled Laura, grabbing for the camera.

"GOTTA WORK FOR IT!" Rachel was keeping it from her. "OUCH!" Swiftly kicking Rachel in the shin, Laura took the camera, and the picture that came out.

"Merry Christmas indeed. . .", sighed Vincent. "Merry Christmas."

"Where are we going, Sephiroth?", asked Surka to Sephiroth.

"We are going to rest. . . For now."

"And our primary destination is. . .?"

"Nibelheim. After we complete a few necessary. . . rounds."

"Rounds?"

"We are going to visit a few people. Before I announce my return to that blonde-rat."

"Cloud, right?"

"You ask far too many questions.", he said, he hand nearing the pommel of his sword, licking his lips, but he stopped in the frigid air. "No. I need you for this. Come, we visit that idiot, Palmer." And as it snowed from Midgar to Nibelheim, they left those cold streets. They would encounter the others soon.

AN3: MERRY CHRISTMAS! GOD THIS WAS LOOOOOONG!"

Sadie: I thought I'd die before I'd be done reading it.

Meagan: Same here!

Konoshi: yawns

Brad: I dunno. I personally like long chapters.

Mike: glares

Brad: WHAT?! It's my own opinion. . .

Rachel: WHEE! SEPHY MADE AN APPEARANCE!

Sephiroth: Why do I put up with these mortals?

AN3: Don't forget, you're a mortal, too.

Cloud: YEAH! I KILLED YOU!

Sephiroth: Shut up, pitiful being.

Sadie: He's so hot. . . swoons at his evilness

AN3: AND DON'T YOU THINK WE ACKNOWLDGE IT?! Plus, there's a happy little contest I'm hosting. . .

Holly: What?

AN3: Okay, this doesn't suit your tastes, BUT FOR ANYHBODY WHO LOVES SEPHIROTH, IT DOES!

Sephy lovers: listening intently

AN3: LOVELY! Okay, first of all, bad news for Sadie.

Sadie: What?

AN3: I'M REOPENING THE CONTEST FOR THE drum roll WHO GETS TO MARRY SEPHIROTH CONTEST!

Sephiroth: WHAT?!

Sadie: WHAT?!

AN3: I know, I'm evil. Yes, Sephiroth, you ARE getting married, and YES, you ALL have a chance at this. As we should all know, I LOVE messing with Sephiroth, so, I'M LETTING ONE LUCKY GIRL (hopefully a GIRL. I don't want to imagine otherwise. .) MARRY THE ONE WINGED ANGEL! I'll need you to give me three numbers, 1-20, and we'll see if you get it! I have multi-sided dice, so, I'll roll for your number, AND IF I GET YOURS, YOU WIN!

Sephiroth: Why am I not liking this?

AN3: Aw, come on, it's time you got married. You don't want to be single forever.

Sephiroth: COME ON! THAT'S WHAT I'M ALL ABOUT! SEX, POWER, AND DESRUCTION! AND TO SUPPORT THE SEX FACTOR, I HAVE TO BE AVAILABLE!

AN3: DO NOT INSULT YOUR GOD! I AM THE AUTHORESS! I CONTROL ALL! SO! THE LINES ARE OPEN! PICK YOUR NUMBER, AND THIS IS YOUR PRIZE! attaches a red bow to Sephiroth's hair Okay, I'm gonna finish the web comic now. It should be up in January. And if you know a good place I can host it, TELL ME! I'm gonna try to get one on geocities now. . . MERRY CHRISTMAS! God, this chapter sucked so much ASS. . .


	26. Chapter 20: Countdown to the New Year

Chapter 20: Countdown to the New Year

A/N: I may look ahead, but I'm really behind, considering I'm posting what's almost a year old. . .Anyhoo...Squaresoft owns FF7 and LadyTifa26 owns Laura. It never changes...

* * *

"Rachel?"

"Grumble, grumble, waffles please. . ."

"WAKE UP!"

"WHO, WHAT, WHERE?! WHERE ARE THE ENEMIES, CAPAIN?!", yelled Rachel, waking up. "Oh, hey Laura."

"GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS!", Laura yelled.

"Ow, not so loud. . .", complained Rachel. "It's too early. Um, is it Kwanzaa?"

"I don't think so. . . But we don't celebrate that anyway!"

"Aww. . . Okay, is it Wednesday?"

"Yeah, BUT THAT'S NOT IT!"

"But it's hump day! What's more important?!"

"Hump day?", asked Laura. "WHAT THE HELL KINDA HOLIDAY IS THAT?!"

"No, that's the nickname for Wednesday. It's like that because it's the hump, or top, midway point of the week, and it's all downhill from there. Got it?"

"Yeah, I know you're just covering for the REAL meaning. . .", said Laura, suspiciously. "I know it's REALLY just a cover for some sicko thing."

"Whatever. So, what day is it?"

"NEW YEARS EVE!"

"Can I drink?"

"NO!"

"Darn. . ."

Tifa was sitting in the living room, with a laptop in her well, lap, tapping on the keys, when an e-mail came up.

"YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

"AGH!" The speakers were turned up way too loud when the computer blared that out. "Ow, stupid AO-SMELL!"

"Tifa, don't insult the computer.", said Aeris, walking in the door from watering her rose garden.

"Sorry. . .", she said. "It's from Reeve."

"What's it say?"

"It says. . . We are cordially invited to his New Year's Eve party." Aeris clicked on the TV, and there was a bulletin on the news.

"News flash!", said the reporter. "There has been a report, that George Palmer, head of some department we don't care about, has been attacked."

"Palmer?", asked Tifa. "Meh, that loser deserves it."

"I actually agree with you."

"He is currently at the shock trauma center in Midgar, after what seems to be suspicious swords marks all over his body. He was found in an alley, and sources say, that the apocalypse is coming."

"Huh? So, he got mugged by some dude with a knife. Big whoop. Change the channel." Aeris changed it to a talk show, but they were also talking about this.

"Sources say, that these markings are from the formal general himself, Sephiroth. But of course, we all know this is impossible. He died, and here is one of the saviors of the planet herself, Princess Yuffie of Wutai! Bring her on out!" Yuffie walked onstage, waving to the mass of clapping people, waving and cheering.

"Yuffie?", said Aeris. "Why not any of us? Or all of us?"

"Hey there, Mitch.", said Yuffie, sitting down on the couch, next to the star of the show. "It's great to be on your show."

"Ah, but it's a pleasure to have such a lovely lady, AND she's single guys, MROW!" The men in the audience cheered.

"My god. . .", sighed Tifa. "Get the chocobos."

Rachel and Laura walked downstairs, expecting to see Tifa and Aeris, but they were gone, with the TV still on.

"So Yuffie, what was it like, saving the planet like you did?"

"Well, it was nothing really, Mitch.", said Yuffie, leaning into the chair comfortably, holding her head up with one hand, polishing her nails on her shirt but rubbing them. "A couple tosses of my shuriken, and the dude was toast."

"So, you did it by yourself?"

"Of course I did. Too easy."

"WHY THAT &$##$! &$&! &&$#$&&!", yelled Cid at the TV in Rocket Town.

"THAT'S IT! I PITY THE FOOL THAT KNOCKS DOWN MY WORLD SAVING CREDIT!", yelled Barret, leaving his house in the currently under construction town of Corel.

"BY THE NAME OF MY ANCESTORS, SHE WILL PAY!", shouted Red, running out of Cosmo Canyon.

"What?", said Reeve, lifting an eyebrow. He picked up his cell phone to his head. "I'm calling my lawyer."

"She will pay from this moment on, the Chaos she has released!", said Vincent, pulling out the Death Penalty.

"Zzzz. . .snort, huh?" Cloud woke up to the TV he left on the night before. He got out of bed in his boxers, and five seconds later he was running out with his sword over his head, in his boxers.

"Wow, the others are gonna get mad. . .", said Rachel, with a sweat mark.

"You're telling me. . .", said Laura, with the same expression. BAM! A knock was at the door.

"LET'S GO!"

"Um, nice look for you Cloud.", said Laura. Rachel was blushing. Cloud looked down, at his boxers.

"FORGET IT! MUST DESTROY YUFFIE!" Vincent jumped down from the roof and cocked his gun.

"I agree with him. Let's go."

"And you're a princess, is that correct?"

"I don't like to refer to myself as that, but, sure, whatever.", replied Yuffie.

"You hear that! A princess saved us all!"

"NO SHE DIDN'T!" Tifa was storming onstage, with Aeris pulling her back by the arm.

"RATIONALIZE YOUR THOUGHTS FIRST, TIFA!", yelled Aeris with great difficulty of calming Tifa down.

"MUST. . .KILL. . .", said Tifa, almost able to grasp Yuffie, who was cowering in the corner of the couch.

"WHO SAVED THE PLANET?!" Red and Barret came out of the left side of the stage.

"Um. . ." Yuffie was looking extremely nervous. The loud sound of engines was heard, and then Cid came in.

"I DIDN'T DOUBLE-PARK JUST TO SAY FUCKIN' HOWDY-DOO!", bellowed Cid, turning red. The Highwind took up two parking lots, and part if the highway.

"SAY IT, YUFFIE!", said Aeris, struggling more than ever with Tifa. "BEFORE I LOSE CONTROL OF HER!"

"PREPARE TO DIE!", yelled Tifa.

"Um, uh. . ."

"LOOK OUT!" Rachel and the rest were in the viper, and destroyed the back of the set by ramming into it with her viper. "AW, NOW YOU MADE ME SCRATCH THE PAINT!" Cloud's hands were on the wheel, instead of Rachel, and he jumped out in his boxers. On live, national television.

"YUFFIE, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING THIEF! YOU STEAL THE MATERIA, THE GIL, BUT NOT THE GLORY! NEVER, THE GLORY!" He was fuming, and Vincent stepped forward with Death Penalty.

"This bullet will belong to you, if you want the credit.", he said, rather calmly.

"I represent a Mr. Reeve.", said a guy in a business suit. Reeve walked on with him. "He is willing to drop the charges if you hand over the share of the credit he owns."

"My viper. . ." Rachel was hugging the hood of her car. "YUFFIE! YOU OWE ME A PAINT JOB!"

"WHOOPS!" Aeris couldn't keep Tifa under control.

"YOUR HEAD IS MINE!"

"EEEEEK!"

"WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES! SORRY!" On TV screens everywhere, the technical difficulty screen came up.

"CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT!" All the men in the audience were cheering as they watched Tifa try to beat the hell out of Yuffie. "TWENTY GIL ON THE BRUNETTE IN THE BLACK MINISKIRT!"

"Well, THAT was embarrassing. . .", said Laura, the only one besides Aeris who kept her sanity.

"Ow. . ." Yuffie was on crutches with a broken arm and a neck brace when she came out of the studio.

"I feel good.", said Tifa, stretching, looking much more pleasant. "I did NOT put my neck on the line to save the world so somebody could take the credit."

"So, how do you plan to pay me?", asked Rachel. "THAT WAS AN EXPENSIVE PAINT JOB!"

"It feels drafty.", said Cloud, walking out in his boxers. "Does anybody have any pants?"

"I'm using mine right now.", said Vincent.

"That sounds almost gay.", said Cid.

"Shut up, spike ass.", said Barret.

"You really should give credit, where credit is due, Yuffie.", said Aeris.

"I feel like I was flattened by a steam roller. . .", she moaned.

"Reeve, what were you telling me?", asked Tifa. "You sent me an e-mail."

"Ah, yes. . .", he said, straightening his tie. "My New Year's Eve party. You are all invited. But, due to the fact that there was an assault on a government official, I will have to relocate for security measures. And so, I need another place to host it. YUFFIE. . .?"

"What?"

"You owe us. You are hosting the party in your palace."

"You better pay for my medical costs. . .", she said. "Godo is gonna go nuts. . ."

"I can he-

"NO.", said Reeve, denying Rachel's assistance. "I assure you, I will be fine with Yuffie's servants. Each of you, bring an escort. EACH OF YOU.", he said, shooting a look at Rachel.

"WHAT?!"

"So far as I know, you couldn't get a date if your life depended on it."

"Can I just not come?"

"NO!"

"Meanie. . ."

"So, each of you need an escort. Okay? I shall see you all at eight."

"Oh yay, I need a stupid escort. . .", said Rachel. "STUPID FORMAL PARTIES!"

"Yeah, as if I have an escort.", said Laura.

"Pfff, you've got Vincent."

"No, Lucrecia does." Rachel was walking into her room, when she spotted some guys sleeping on Aeris' bed. "Um, Laura. . .?"

"What?"

"What the hell is that?"

"I dunno. . .", she said. "Wanna poke it?"

"Aeris. . .", the guy mumbled. "You didn't answer my question. . ."

"Let's."

"AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!"

"What the hell was that?", asked Tifa.

"Sounded like a monkey dying. Do you think Rachel is trying to tame a monster again?"

"OWWW!" The man came running downstairs. "I NEED ANTISEPTIC!"

"YOU DON'T POKE HIM WITH YOUR SWORD!", yelled Laura.

"Sorry. . .", apologized Rachel.

"OW! Huh? Oh, hi Aeris. . ." Zack was still here.

"WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!", she said.

"Um, you never answered my question. . .", he said.

"First of all, could you answer mine?"

"Shoot."

"Where have you been sleeping for this entire time?!"

"The shower."

"That explains the black hairs clogging the drain. . .", said Tifa. "That took me an eternity to clean out. . ."

"Hey Tifa, hey Aeris. . .", said Cloud, walking in. "Hey Rachel, hey Laura, hey Zack. . . HUHWHA!?!" He did a double take. "ARE YOU HERE TRYING TO STEAL AERIS?!"

"STEAL?! SHE WAS MINE IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

"NOT IF I CAN HELP IT!"

"HOLD ON!", shouted Aeris. "Please, I hate your fighting. Can we just get along already?"

"SHE'S MINE!"

"NO, SHE'S MINE!"

"QUIET!", she yelled after they began arguing again. "Look. I don't want to be put on the spot, or as some sort of prize-

"EXCELLENT IDEA! A PRIZE!", yelled Zack.

"NO! NO PRIZE!", yelled Aeris. "I'M NOT GOING TO BE A PRIZE! Look, I need an escort to the party. Since Tifa has no experience with being with Zack, I'll go with Zack, and Tifa can go with Cloud."

"WOOHOO! FIRST IS BEST!", shouted Zack. Cloud looked crushed.

"B-but. . .", he said. "I CAN'T LET ZACK WIN YOU OVER!"

"So, win Tifa over, Cloud.", said Aeris. "You can't have both of us, so try in one spot."

"But Tifa already dumped me. . ."

"WAH, WAH!", said Rachel, getting a little annoyed. "This sounds like one of those stupid soap operas! Except with less sex!"

"Thank god. . .", said Laura.

"Just go on with it.", said Rachel. "Besides, I don't think Tifa would mind."

"Actually, I have a long list of numbers that accepted.", said Tifa, closing a little black book.

"YOU CALLED THEM ALL, AND THEY WERE WILLING TO TAKE YOU?!", shouted Cloud.

"Yeah. So?" Cloud whined.

"NOW I NEED A DATE!"

"Fine, I'll go with you. . .",said Tifa. "You just look so pitiful. . ."

"HAHAHA!", he laughed. "SEE?! I AM LOVED BY SOMEBODY!"

"More like pitied.", said Zack.

"Do'h. . ."

"So, how are you gonna find a date?", asked Laura to Rachel.

"I'm just gonna crash it. I prefer doing that anyway."

"You're gonna crash a party?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Reeve, with his connections to Shinra, he'll probably have it guarded."

"Yeah, but Shinra isn't welcomed in Wutai. Plus, why would an electric company need soldiers?"

"To make it a monopolizing business, and more diabolical. And besides, the president owns it. It's a government thing."

"Stupid government. . . But yeah, I'll probably just crash it. And you?"

"I'm stuck. I'm sure Vincent is taking Lucrecia."

"How do you know?" Laura pointed over to Vincent, talking to Lucrecia.

"So, um, would you like to be my escort?"

"Sure!"

"See my point?", asked Laura.

"Well, now I do. I guess we shall now resort to all the dating losers' oasis! TO AN INTERNET DATING SITE!"

"Dork, dork, dork, dweeb, dork, funny hair. . .", said Rachel, looking over all the candidates. "Yep, this is the UN of all weird looking people. Although I DO like the guy with black hair and the chain necklace."

"Nah, it says here his turn-ons are trees, and hair.", said Laura. "That's a bit unsettling, somehow."

"Ah. Do you like anybody?"

"No, either they're cute with weird turn-ons, or, they're just weird."

"Wanna just crash with me? Or just stay at home?"

"Didn't Reeve say you had to come?"

"He can't make me."

"YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

"OW! Tifa's right, this is way too loud." Rachel clicked on the mailbox, and the e-mail read:

"To Rachel:

COME OR DIE!

Yours eternally,

Reeve."

"He's taking this very seriously, wouldn't you say?", said Laura.

"Very? I don't think so. . . He's kidding, I'm sure."

"YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

"WHY WON'T THIS DAMNED THING SHUT UP!", yelled Rachel. "Okay, here we go:

"To Rachel.

I AM VERY SERIOUS! I AM NOT KIDDING! YOU WILL SHOW UP!

Sincerely,

Reeve."

"I'm beginning to hate him.", said Rachel, sourly.

"I can see why. . . Well, forget it. No matter how many threats he sends, WE'RE JUST GONNA CRASH HERE!"

"OH MY GOD! HE SENT 6,943 E-MAILS TO US SAYING TO COME!", yelled Rachel, about a couple hours later.

"Hmph, you really think he could be more subtle about it?", asked Tifa.

"Oh sure, you're one to talk.", said Aeris.

"What was that?"

"NOTHING!"

"So, we're going?", asked Rachel.

"NOPE! WE WILL NOT BE BUDGED!", said Laura. "WE REMAIN! LET THE FUN-FILLED NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY BEGIN!"

"Pass the fun-filled popcorn, Laura.", said Rachel, bored, sitting next to Laura, watching a rented horror movie.

"Do we have any fun-filled beer?"

"No. They made sure there wasn't any." Rachel belched, and sunk in lower into the couch. "Wow. What an evening."

At the liqueur store, Rachel and Laura were sitting in the viper, discussing their plan.

"We're both underage, so the older one should go in a disguise."

"So I have to go in?"

"Of course.", said Rachel. "Here, put this on. . ."

"Excuse me, my good sir. . .", said Laura, walking up to the counter with a fake moustache on. "I would like to purchase this case of beer, please." The man peered skeptically over the counter.

"Your license, please." Laura pulled it out of her pocket, and scribbled some stuff on it. She added the moustache, and instead of 17, it said 21, and male instead of female. He just looked at it, and back to her. "This doesn't look like you."

"Couldn't Rachel have another disguise. . .?", thought Laura. "Um, that was when my moustache was thinner, and um. . . squiggly.", said Laura.

"You're awfully short for a man."

"HMPH! INSULT MY POOR GENETICS WILL YOU?!", said Laura, beginning to yell. "I DEMAND THAT YOU SELL ME THIS BEER!" The guy shrugged, and began scanning the label of the case of beer. Laura gave the thumbs up sign to Rachel out the window. But the moustache was tickling her nose. "Ah, AH, ACHOO!" The moustache hung off her face. "WHOOPS!"

"What?", asked the man. Laura hid it with her hand. "Um, my moustache is a bit. . .itchy." The man gave her a weird look, and continued to do his job. "That was close. . .", she thought. "I can't believe how stupid this guy is! HAH!"

"LOOK! THERE'S FRED FLINTSTONE!", yelled the man, pointing out the window.

"WHERE?!" Laura remover her hand from her mouth.

"Wow, you're awfully feminine to be a man.", said the guy, looking at her angrily from the counter. "And you're more pretty than handsome."

"I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult. . .", said Laura. "BUT HOW DARE YOU CHALLENGE THE FACT OF MY GENDER?! SELL ME THIS BEER THIS INSTANT!"

"And um, you don't quite have the. . .equipment."

"PERVERT!", she yelled. "I NOW DESERVE THE BEER FOR FREE!" She picked it up, and began to walk away. He grabbed her shoulder.

"I don't think so.", he said.

"Are you sure we shouldn'tve crashed the party?", asked Laura, now back in the viper with no beer,

"I thought YOU were against it!"

"No!"

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?", asked Rachel with this sinister smile.

"Get the spy gear."

"Too bad Lucrecia got sick at the last moment, Vince.", said Tifa.

"No matter.", said Vincent. "Too bad Laura didn't want to go. . ."

"Huh? What was that?"

"It was nothing, Tifa. . ."

"Yeah, leave lover boy alone.", said Zack.

"THAT'S MY LINE!", said Cloud.

"Beat you to the punch! Again. . .", he said, wrapping his arm around Aeris, who was riding her own chocobo, and he was behind her, in a tuxedo.

"Zack, be a little nicer, please.", said Aeris.

"Whatever you say. . .", he said, looking at Cloud who looked angry, and he decided to revel in it. ". . .baby."

"KNIGHT! ATTACK!" Cloud ordered his gold chocobo to ram into the one Zack was on.

"You wouldn't want to hurt Aeris, would you?", asked Zack, before he could attack.

"No. . . DAMMIT! I HATE YOU!"

"Weren't you two friends?", asked Tifa.

"Not anymore since we're after the same girl. . ."

"Acting like a bunch of hormone stricken teenagers. . .", mumbled Aeris.

"What?"

"We're here!" They arrived the enormous, well-lit palace, in the gardens that were brimming with little, well placed lights that made it look like fairies were there.

"WELCOME!", said a guard of Wutai, in front of the door, while the parking there was valet, so the chocobos would be tagged and taken care of. "TO THE PALACE OF THE FIVE GODS!" A gong sounded, and the doors opened, to a grand ballroom, with tables off to the side, and it was full of people, talking, and sitting down, and dancing and such.

"Whoa. . .", said Aeris, walking in. "It's bigger than I remembered."

"NOW WELCOMING. . .", said some dude who announces who arrives. "THE SAVIORS OF THE PLANET, MR. VINCENT VALENTINE, MS. TIFA LOCKHEART, MS. AERIS GAINSBOROUGH, AND MR. CLOUD STRIFE!" Enormous applause was heard.

"Oh, I've always wanted to see you!", said one woman.

"Ah, the youth have saved us.", said an old man, shaking Cloud's hand.

"It's an honor, milady.", said one man, talking to Tifa.

"I think we're popular. . .", said Cloud.

"You can tell?", said Tifa.

"FEEL THE WIND!", shouted Rachel, stepping on the gas pedal in her viper.

"RACHEL! FOCUS!", yelled Laura, applying black streaks under her eyes, and putting on a black ski hat. "DO YOU HAVE THE BUNGEE CORDS!"

"YEP!", said Rachel.

"HOW ABOUT THE METAL HOOKS?!"

"YEP!"

"AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, DO WE HAVE THE SILLY STRING?!"

"FIFTY CANS, BABY!", yelled Rachel, the adrenaline going to her head. "WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO! PARTY! PARTY!"

"Nice, isn't it?", asked Reeve, walking over to the group. "Nothing can go wrong."

"Awfully fancy, isn't it though?", asked Cloud. "I mean, if you had just a couple cases of booze in a small living room, that would've been a party in itself."

"WAHA! Nice party, Reeve.", said Cid, walking in with Shera.

"You brought Shera as your date?", asked Vincent. "You said she was annoying the last time I heard from you."

"Is that so, Cid?", asked Shera. "Then, I shall be leaving you. Hello there. . ." She was talking to this other guy.

"HEY SHERAAAA! I DIDN'T MEAN THAT!" He ran over to her.

"Well, he never changes. . .", said Tifa. "Now she controls his life."

"You know, we shall be dining in a few minutes.", said Reeve. "Lots of liqueur, fancy food, dinner shows, stuff like that."

"At my expense. . .", said Yuffie, walking over with Kalana, helping her.

"Yuffie, are you sure you should be here?", asked Kalana.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Okay. . ." Kalana walked off with her husband, the Sephiroth/Cloud look-alike.

"So, mister big shot. . .", said Yuffie. "You're paying for all of this, right?"

"Yeah."

"WELL HURRY UP! Godo said no parties while he's gone. . ."

"WHAT?! YOU MEAN HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS?!"

"Um, no. . ."

"You just seem to love getting in trouble. . .",said Aeris.

"I have a knack for it.", said Yuffie.

"HEY! THAT'S THE GIRL WHO STOLE MY GIL THE OTHER DAY!", yelled one of the rich looking guys.

"WHOOPS! GOTTA GO!" She jumped up out of sight.

"For somebody injured, she sure handles her acrobatics well."

"OUCH!"

"Nevermind. . ."

"We're infiltrating the palace of the same person who taught us to be ninjas.", said Rachel. "That's a bit odd, and foolish. I LOVE IT!"

"Ah, but don't you?", said Laura. "WE'RE GONNA SHOW THEM HOW TO PARTY!"

"WOOHOO!"

"So, Zack, did you really come back just for me?", asked Aeris, sitting at a table with him, with the lights dimmed for the dinner show. A man was singing a slow song on the stage.

"You bet.", he said with a very attractive smile.

"Then why did my parents come?"

"Do you think they would trust me with their daughter?"

"No parents would ever trust you with their daughter."

"Then there's your answer. You know, I wonder where they went.", said Zack.

"You mean, you have no idea where they are now?", asked Aeris.

"Um, I think I do now. . .",said Zack nervously, pointing behind Aeris. And sure enough, Gast and Ifalna were disguised, pretending to read newspapers to cover their faces.

"Hello guys. . .", said Aeris, pushing down the page of Gast's newspaper.

"Um, hello. . . Who are you?", he said rather falsely.

"Dear, just forget about it.", said Ifalna. "Hey there Aeris. We can't go back until you make your decision with Zack, so, we just sorta stayed here. . ."

"You could've just told me that.", said Aeris. "There are some empty houses in Nibelheim."

"I told you we didn't have to stay in that tent. . .", said Ifalna.

"WELL WHAT?! LIVING OUTDOORS GETS YOU BACK TO NATURE!", said Gast.

"Whatever, honey. . . So Aeris, have you made your decision to keep him?"

"He's nice enough. . .", she said, peering back at Zack, sitting at the table, twiddling his thumbs. "But. . ."

"You like Cloud.", said Ifalna. "Aeris honey, you can't look to us for romantic advice. Look at what I married. . ." Gast was playing a game on an gameboy.

"YEAH! FIRE EMBLEM KICKS ASS!"

"SHH!" A bunch of people turned around and hushed him.

"Critics. . ."

"I see. . .", said Aeris, nervously.

"But I do love your father, even though he has his little antics."

"Still, it feels awkward because you look way too young to be my parents. . ."

"You'll get used to it.", said Ifalna. "To be honest, it feels weird sometimes because you look too old to be my daughter. But you know, just go with what your heart tells you. I did."

"But you married him. . .", said Aeris, looking at her father who was now using two of his forks and put them in two dinner rolls, moving them back and forth like feet, like in that Charlie Chaplin silent movie. Ifalna giggled a little.

"But those are those cute little things he does to make me laugh. He can space out like that, it's true, but it's those little quirks that made this marriage last this long. About 22 years."

"And the fact we never get older from the day we died.", said Gast. "Really comes in handy in the long run. You know-

"Stop right there. . .", said Ifalna. "I'm pretty sure our daughter would be traumatized to know about our, erm, love life."

"I agree. . .", said Aeris, looking really nervous now. "I'm just gonna go before my mind becomes plagued with the. . .images. . ."

"You do that, dear.", said Ifalna. "And remember, just go with what your heart tells you."

"Cloud, put the binoculars down.", said Tifa.

"If he lays one stinkin' hand on Aeris. . .", mumbled Cloud. "He gets my sword up his ass. SHE'S LAUGHING!"

"Okay, so she's laughing. That's a good thing, right?", asked Tifa. "I mean, happy is good."

"Not when it concerns HIM. . .", said Cloud.

"Aeris is right. You really are acting rather juvenile."

"Juvenile?", said Cloud. "JUVENILE?! Oh, you haven't seen juvenile. Trust me, I haven't hit that low yet."

"Yeah, you're just crazy. You know, people are wondering why you're using binoculars. You look like a stalker."

"Aeris, I SWEAR YOU SHALL BE MINE!"

"Thank god I don't like you anymore, otherwise I'd be insulted. . .", said Tifa.

"WHAT?!", said Cloud. "YOU DON'T LIKE ME?!"

"Forget it Cloud, I'm over you. . ."

"Aww. . ."

"Aeris. . .", said Zack. "Do you think we would be together now if I didn't die?"

"I don't know Zack.", said Aeris. "Maybe. But then, you and Cloud would've been in business together like you discussed, and it would've been totally different. You know, I don't think Cloud would be the way he is if you didn't die. I really wonder what he would be like if he hadn't mistaken his memories for yours. He was really just continuing your life. Don't get me wrong, you can be very charming, but. . ."

"You love him.", he said. "I know. I just thought I had another shot at it."

"Hold on Zack, let me finish.", she said. "I like you, too. Just give me tonight to think about it." He gave his jaunty grin.

"You won't regret it."

"Okay, the string is here, right?", asked Laura, from a ledge on the ceiling.

"Yep.", said Rachel, pulling out a bag. "This'll be fun. . . How do we rig it?"

"Leave it to the master. . ."

"Now he's smiling. . .", said Cloud. "I don't like it Tifa. I don't like it at all. . ."

"Then do something about it, Mr. Suave.", she said. "Nothing will get done if you don't go for it."

"Okay then.", he said, standing up. "Would you care to dance?"

"Me?", asked Tifa.

"You heard me. Would you?"

"If you'll shut up, sure.", she said. "Let's."

"Hey look, they're dancing. . .", said Aeris, watching a few couples get up to dance.

"Well then, milady, would you?" Zack stood up and held out his hand, and smiled.

"Zack, I never took a dancing lesson in my life."

"All the more reason to learn now.", he replied. "Come. Just follow my lead."

"Is she getting jealous?", asked Cloud, looking over at Aeris and Zack.

"Ugh, I don't know.", said Tifa. "Just ask her to dance. She's not somebody who gets jealous very easily."

"That is true. . .", said Cloud. "BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?!THAT'S ONE REASON I LOVE HER!"

"SHHHH!" People behind him were growing annoyed at his manner.

"Sorry. . ."

"Hmm, they look good together, really.", said Aeris, watching Cloud and Tifa slow dance. Tifa was resting her head on Cloud's shoulder, but before Aeris could look any longer, Zack gently moved her head to face his.

"And you know, I bet we'd look even better.", he said softly.

"And what, you have a mirror?"

"No, just a good guess. Wow, you really can't dance, can you?"

"Two left feet.", said Aeris, removing he right foot off of his. "But it would have been more romantic if you said something other than an insult."

"So what, you want me to say you're beautiful?"

"It's true, there is no girl in existence that wouldn't want to be called beautiful. . .", said Aeris.

"Yes, but there is no point in repeating to a girl what she already knows.", replied Zack.

"Nice retort.", said Aeris with a smile.

"But isn't it?", he said, returning the look.

"DAMMIT!", hissed Cloud. "They're smiling again!"

"How perceptive. . .", said Tifa. "Just go and ask her. My feet can't take it, with you tripping all over them." She left him to it, and returned to their table.

"H-hi Aeris. . .", he said, looking a bit nervous.

"Oh, hi Cloud!", she said, happy as ever.

"My, my, isn't that Aeris and Cloud?", asked Rachel, looking down from the ledge. Laura squinted.

"Yep, pretty sure.", said Laura. "We only have a little more silly string to rig, so hurry up!", she urged.

"AYE, AYE, CAP'N! WOOHOO!"

"So, what is it Cloud?" Zack began to scowl a little, as Aeris talked to him.

"I was just wondering if, you would, um, like to-

"ALL RIGHT EVERYBODY!", shouted a man onstage. "IT IS TIME TO START. . .THE MAMBO!"

"What?!", shouted Cloud.

"WHAT?!", shouted Laura. "But Cloud can't dance!"

"How do you know?"

"I've seen him, dancing at home in his boxers when he thinks I'm out.", said Laura.

"Oh, lovely. . ."

"GRAB A PARTNER, AND WE SHALL BEGIN!" The band struck up a fast Latin song, and people picked up the pace. Tifa and Vincent walked on to watch Cloud's progress, and Cloud was swept up into the flurry of feet, as did Aeris and Zack.

"WHOAAAA!", shouted Cloud, suddenly being pulled away.

"AHHH!", screamed Aeris.

"AERIS!" Zack was separated from her, and stepped off to the side to try and find her.

"OW! OW! OW!", yelled Cloud, being thrown everywhere. "OOF! SORRY! OW! SORRY! SORRY ABOUT THAT! SORRY FOR STEPPING ON YOUR FOOT!"

"CLOUD!" Aeris made her way out to the opposite side of the dance floor of where Zack was standing, and called him over.

"So Vincent, what do you think of the odds he makes an idiot of himself?", asked Tifa.

"Most likely, he'll make such an idiot of himself, he'll be in his room for a month without seeing her.", said Vincent, taking the lead in the dance.

"I think I'll lead. . .", said Tifa. "For once, in my life. But I don't know. . .", she said. He watched Cloud catch up to her, and they walked off together. "It looks like he knows what he's doing. For once, in his life."

"Isn't that a bit harsh?"

"The truth can be harsh."

"Good point."

"So, what was it Cloud?", asked Aeris, out on the balcony.

"Well, I was gonna ask if you'd like to dance, but I don't think I'll be wanting to commit suicide. . .", he said, watching the others dance.

"A bit sudden, wasn't it?", she asked.

"You noticed?"

"Of course, Cloud. I always try to keep an eye on what you're doing. Nice binoculars.", she said, walking to the ledge. He hid it behind his back and blushed.

"Well, you can't blame me."

"For being a stalker? I bet I can.", she said. "But it's soon to be the new year. Want to change all that?"

"If I could change events in my past, maybe I would.", he said. "It was never easy, but you know. . ." He walked over to her, and looked her straight in the eye. "When we met, I know now, that I would not have traded any event in my past, that could have led up to that. I've lived my life regretting these things, but knowing now, that if those never happened, I wouldn't know you. And I'd never trade something like that."

"HEY! HEY!", shouted Rachel. "WHERE'D THEY GO?!"

"I think they went out onto the balcony.", said Laura. "Just wait and see Rachel, she might be stealing his heart."

"NOOOOO! CLOUDY! NOT YOU!", Rachel yelled.

"PIPE DOWN!", said Laura. "They'll hear you. I'm rigging the last one. Prepare for the show."

"Oh yeah, Cloud's heart isn't the only one being stolen.", said Rachel. "Tifa is down there, dancing with Vincent."

"Big deal.", said Laura sourly.

"Your attitude about him changed all of a sudden.", said Rachel. "Why?"

"You know, I never want to be second best. I refuse to be just some other person, playing second fiddle to Lucrecia. You know, I really do like him, but, it's just that, I have a feeling I tend to be just a replacement. Sure, he likes me too, but at Christmas, I had this feeling, that just because Lucrecia wasn't there at the time, it made me the one his affections went to. If I am the one he'll be doting on, I want to be the first he thinks of, not second. Do you get what I mean?"

"That was. . .pretty.", said Rachel. "AWWW! LAURA LEARNED A LESSON IN LOVE!"

"And you can't get a date if your life depended on it.", said Laura, a little annoyed.

"Don't rub it in. . ."

"LET'S GO!"

"HELLOOOOOOO, EVERYBODY!", said a voice from the ceiling. Everyone looked up. The spotlight focused on Rachel, coming down on a bungee cord. "I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE MYSELF!"

"RACHEL! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!", yelled Cid.

"OKAY, WELL I GUESS YOU KNOW ME! AND THIS, IS LAURA!" The spotlight moved to her. "AND WE, ARE GONNA SHOW YOU HOW TO PARTY! LAURA! THE REMOTE IF YOU PLEASE!" Laura took out a remote with a large red button. "PRESS THE BUTTON!" The rigged all the silly string to release after the button was pressed.

"WAIT!", yelled Vincent. "HOLD ON!" Cloud and Aeris didn't know what was happening, because the door to the balcony was closed.

"WOOOHOOOOO!" Laura pressed the button, and nothing happened. "What?" People started laughing. "OOOPS! NO WONDER! WRONG REMOTE! THIS IS FOR YOUR CAR! HERE WE GO!" Silly string exploded from the ceiling, covering the walls and people around them. "OH YEAH! THIS IS MORE LIKE IT!" BANG! Vincent shot his gun, and cut the ropes from the ceiling that kept them suspended. "Whuh, oh. AHHGGHHGHGHGHGHHGH! OOF!" Vincent caught Laura, but Rachel landed face down on a table.

"M-my head. . .", moaned Rachel. "O-ow. . ."

"What do you think that was?", asked Aeris, who had heard the screams.

"Meh. Probably just a magic act or something."

"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!", yelled Vincent. He grabbed Laura by the arm, and walked to a separate balcony, a few away from Cloud's and Aeris'.

"I thought I'd have a little fun. What, is that against the law?" Laura had this angry look on her face.

"Look. The people in there are fine, because silly string is easy to peel off. Everything will be fine when it's all cleaned up, but tell me, WHY DID YOU CRASH THIS PARTY?! YOU COULD'VE COME!"

"Well Vincent, maybe I just didn't feel like it." She refused to look him in the eye.

"Why? You don't have an escort? Well, I don't either. Lucrecia is sick."

"Then stay home with her, if you love her so much.", said Laura.

"Why are you being so difficult all of a sudden?"

"Why are you being do nosy all of a sudden?"

"Don't play games with me.", he said, his temper running short.

"Then don't with me." She was about to walk out the door, when he grabbed her wrist.

"Aww. . .", said Rachel, forced to clean up the mess, with Reeve watching her. "This sucks. . ."

"DAMMIT!", yelled Vincent. "GIVE ME A LITTLE RESPECT WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

"It's not like this was your party.", said Laura. "And what's with you? What's eating you all of a sudden? I mean, really, Vincent getting angry? That's like, one of the least likely things I ever expected to see."

"I just don't want you to get into trouble. . .", said Vincent.

"Wow, you really care.", said Laura. "I'm touched."

"Please, stop being like this. . .", he said, retreating to the darker side of the balcony. "You're, you're not the one. . . just. . ."

"What is it?", she asked. "The great Vincent lost for words?"

"You're not yourself right now. This isn't the side of you that I'm used to."

"Shows you I'm not one dimensional.", she said, leaning on the railing of the balcony.

"Who said I thought you were one-dimensional?", asked Vincent, staying on his side of the balcony. "I never thought you were one dimensional. Ever since I saw you try and brighten Tifa's mood, and lord knows when she gets angry, you should head for the hills, I stopped to think about that."

"Think what?"

"That you weren't just some crazy fan girl with a crush.", he said. "I may be eleven years older than you, but that doesn't mean we're too far apart on some emotional basis to be so completely different that we cannot venture and take a glimpse of each others' thoughts, or feeling, or lives even."

"That was sure a long sentence.", said Laura. "And it's lovely to know that you acknowledge my existence but. . ."

"Laura," he said. "Would you like to be my escort?"

"Stupid Reeve. . .", mumbled Rachel. "I PAID A LOT OF GIL FOR THIS SILLY STRING!"

"Good.", he said. "Now you can clean it up."

"Aw. . ."

"That's nice, Cloud. What you said, you know.", said Aeris, putting her hand over his. "But even if you didn't appear then, I have a feeling we would've known each other. I'm just lucky I got a chance to live again."

"No. . .", said Cloud. "No way. That moment in time, is way too rare. And you know, moments that are that precious, are just as rare. Right?"

"Cloud, stop acting.", said Aeris. "You're no romantic."

"Finally got it then, huh?", he said, putting his hand behind his head. "I'm just not good at it."

"No, you were fine.", said Aeris. "It's just not you."

"FIVE!", chanted the people, counting down to the New Year.

"You prefer me to be the unromantic being that is Cloud Strife?", he asked.

"FOUR!"

"I like you, for who you are. And when you are ready to show me just the person you are. . ."

"THREE!"

"What? What?" He didn't understand.

"I don't think so, Vincent.", said Laura. "I won't be second in your heart."

"But you're. . ." He faltered. "You're not. . ." She turned around and smiled, as she reached for the handle to the door.

"You're a really bad liar. Tell me, when you'll tell the truth."

"TWO!"

"I'll be ready to accept you. . ." Zack was looking through the glass door, and so were Gast and Ifalna, crowding around him, prying into his business with huge grins. "No matter who you are, or choose to be. Really."

"ONE!"

"That's nice to know. . ."

And to spare you, the reader's constitutions, I think you know what they did next. Yeah, that's right. They kissed. AND IF YOU THOUGHT OTHERWISE, YOU ARE EITHER STUPID, PERVERTED, AND WRONG! Heh! My kind of people.

"See you later, Vincent." Laura closed the door.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" The fireworks exploded in huge blossoming bursts, while the people of Wutai had festivals in the streets, and set off even more fireworks for themselves. Vincent looked up to them, and merely smiled.

Well, she had a point.

"I think. . .", said Zack, putting on his scarf. "That it's time for us to go."

"Aw, do we have to?!", asked Gast.

"Honey, it's for the best. . .", said Ifalna. "She's happy, we can return, and the dead don't belong in the living realm anyway. We'll visit some other time."

"In time for the Super Bowl? YEAH! GO ICICLE INN BANDERSNATCHES!"

"Whatever. . .", said Ifalna, sighing. "They're at the bottom of the league, though."

"Don't remind me." Zack took one last look at Aeris, and then back at the other two.

"See you later, Aeris. I think I know your answer. No." And in a blue mist, he and the others vanished.

"MY GOD!", shouted Rachel. "I HAVEN'T EVEN CLEANED HALF OF THIS PLACE!"

"Put your back into it. . .", said Reeve.

"Ow. . ."

"Where've you been?", asked Tifa.

"Ah, nowhere.", replied Laura. "Just outside, talking to the shadows."

"You can get help with that?", said Tifa, implying the joke.

"Ha, ha, not very funny.", said Laura.

"What do you think Godo will do when he sees this mess?"

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Godo walked into his court, and began cursing in Japanese. "YUFFIE!"

"Uh, RUN!", shouted Laura.

"GOTTA GO!", said Rachel, speeding off.

"WHY IS MY BALLROOM COVERED IN SILLY STRING?!"

"SEE YA'!"

* * *

AN3: ::tired and exhausted::

Aeris: YAY! A HAPPY ENDING!"

Rachel: Although, pretty much every chapter has a happy ending.

Sephiroth: Except at the end, WHEN I KILL YOU ALL!"

AN3: Aw, shut up. Give the evil a rest, already, will ya'?

Tifa: Wow, you seem annoyed.

AN3: This, is THE WORST chapter. EVER!

Laura: Aw, it wasn't THAT bad. . .

Keo: Yeah, it only sucked a little. . .

AN3: Yeah, thanks, I feel MUCH better NOW. . .

Konoshi: Does that mean AE is done? FOREVER?!

AN3: Hell, I dunno, do you want it to end?

Mike: Well. . .

Sadie: Um. . .

Sephiroth: YES! YEESSS!

AN3: I'll leave that up for you to decide. If it does continue, the chapters will probably be shorter because there are no holidays soon. Don't ask, I feel like crap now. Excuse me while I curl up and die in a corner. walks off

Rachel: Uh, YEEEAAAAAH. . . I guess she's wondering if this is a complete waste of time, and whether it's worth it. Anyway, um, I guess that's it. . . I'll go comfort her now. Um, Happy New Year's from the cast of Alternate Earth?

Cast: waving, exchanging odd looks We're just gonna go and insure our future. . . SEE YA'!


	27. Chapter 21: Two of a Kind

Chapter 21: Two of a Kind p.1

A/N: UUUUUGGGGHHHH! STUPID NOT ALLOWING ME TO MAKE FUN NOTES BECAUSE OF SCRIPT FORMAT! EEEVIL! AHHHH! ....................Ahem. Okay. Uh...Squaresoft owns FF7 and LadyTifa26 owns Laura. Heheh.

* * *

"Hmm, this acetylene torch isn't working. . . OH YEAH! HERE'S THE FLAMETHROWER!" Lucrecia was sitting in the basement of the mansion, working on her latest invention. She was re-wiring a few gadgets, and making whole new components, to finish her creation. "VOILA! IT IS COMPLETE! Now, if I remember doing this correctly, this is how Hojo would state it. 'BWAHAHAHA! I AM THE GREATEST EVIL MAD SCIENTIST ALIVE!'"

"You were fine without the last part. . ." Vincent came walking over to her. "Uh, what is it? You spent a month on this."

"IT'S A TOASTER OVEN! Like it?"

"DIH!" He fell over. "A toaster oven?"

"YEAH!" Lucrecia put in some bread. "And. . ." It came out a golden brown color. "PERFECT!"

"But it takes up half the room. . .", said Vincent.

"YES, BUT IT HAS THE LATEST TOASTING TECHNOLOGY! QUAKE AT THE SIGHT OF IT, FOR IT IS THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE! I also have it in a pocket form. . ." She pulled out a small, PDA looking device, and inserted more bread. Again, it was perfect. "YES! FOR PEOPLE ON THE GO! ANYTHING TOASTED, AT ANY TIME!"

"Why not something that could solve war? Or hunger?"

"First of all, this relates to the hunger problem.", said Lucrecia, switching her machine to 'off'. "Next of all, the thing we lack isn't a device for peace, it is patience and perseverance. There is no device for that. BUT I DO HAVE A NIFTY LITTLE POCKET DEATH RAY DEVICE!"

"Um, I don't think that will be necessary, Lucrecia. . .", he said, with a sweat mark.

"Okay, just tell me when you want some place destroyed.", she said with a big smile.

"Cute as ever. . .", he sighed. "And to think you could whip out a death ray device out of your pocket. . ."

"Untimely, is it?"

"Just wait to use it. Like, the next time Rachel comes over."

"GOT IT!"

"Why do I have this sudden feeling that going over Vince's is a bad idea?", asked Rachel, sitting at the breakfast table.

"Because maybe you're getting the point.", said Tifa, sitting down with a plate of eggs, bacon, a muffin, and a cup of coffee.

"Where are they, anyway?" Laura stabbed her stack of pancakes, and shoved them easily into her mouth. They all were staring. "What? Weren't these mine?"

"Nevermind. . .", sighed Tifa. "Next time, don't break anything."

"I TOLD YOU! A GIROFELGO MADE ME BREAK IT!"

"Rachel, they got rid of the monsters in the mansion.", said Aeris. "There aren't any left. Not even the pumpkins, wearing napkins."

"Aw, but they were funny. . .", said Rachel.

"I'm going over for breakfast.", said Vincent, walking up the stairs. "Do you want me to wait up?"

"No Vincent, I'm fine!", said Lucrecia. "I'll be there in a few minutes!"

"Okay, don't be late! The bacon always goes quickly!" Vincent left for Tifa's, and a few minutes later, Lucrecia was making her way up the winding staircase, when she heard a pounding at the door.

"I'M COMING!" She ran up, and made her way to the door, not expecting who it was.

"Yo, you're Lucrecia, right?" Reno was standing with the Turks on her doorstep.

"Uh, yeah. . .? Why?"

"You're past connections with Shinra are being called in. Don't fret, we mean no harm. But-

"AHH! SHINRA! HELP VINCENT!", she shrieked.

"GAH!" Reno was getting the crap beaten out of him all of a sudden by Vincent, who swept up there in a blur.

"TAKING ADVANTAGE OF INNOCENT WOMEN, ARE YOU?!", yelled Vincent.

"NO!", yelled Reno. "STOP! OW! I'M NOT HERE TO HARM ANYBODY FOR ONCE!" Vincent stopped at his pleas. "Ah, thank you. Jesus, don't you know of any subtlety, dude?" Reno took the briefcase at his side, then opened it slowly, revealing the rows of gil in denominations of about a hundred on each bill, and then back up to Lucrecia. "This is yours, if you listen to my proposition."

"Shouldn't I handle this?", asked Elena. "I'm the most qualified."

". . .", said Rude.

"Yeah, you're the most qualified.", said Reno, with his lopsided grin. "But I hate you. Now! Down to business. . ."

"I smell money. . .", said Rachel, with a sleepy smile on. "LOTS OF IT!"

"You're daydreaming. . .", said Tifa. "You can't smell gil."

"I can smell dollars. . .", said Rachel, pulling out a regular American dollar.

"What's that?", asked Cloud. "It looks funny."

"That's a dollar.", said Laura. "It's our currency from where we're from."

"Then you live in one hell of a crazy place.", said Cloud. "OH! THANKS!" A chocobo stuck it's head in the window with the morning paper. He put a coin in the pouch around it's neck, patted it on the head, it replied with a happy 'wark!', and it sped off.

"Yeah, I'm SURE that giant, newspaper delivering chickens aren't considered odd in the least bit.", said Laura. "Mmm, bacon. . ."

"Thank you for your time. See ya' later, dude. Dudette.", he said, smiling in Lucrecia's direction. Vincent grew angry of his actions.

"OUT!" He threw him out the mansion doors. "Sure that was wise?", he asked, after he shut the door.

"IT SOUNDS LIKE FUN!", said the cheerful Lucrecia. She adjusted the spectacles on her lightly freckled nose. "I bet I'll be done by the end of the day."

"Um, why are there construction noises coming out of your basement?", asked Rachel, who was standing next to Vincent.

"Lucrecia is busy again. . .", he sighed.

"I thought she had a lab in her house.", said Rachel.

"Chemical spill.", said Vincent. "The fumes will take a week to clear out."

"So, she's living with you for a week?"

"That's about the size of it, yes." He had a very stern look on his face, but his eyes kept moving to Rachel who had this evil, insinuating smile that was impossible to ignore.

"And I suppose you try to keep. . .entertained?", she asked in an evil tone, with the same smile.

"SHUT UP!", yelled Vincent. "I'm not like Cloud. . ."

"And THAT'S why you're 28, and still. . .virginal."

"Whoa, Rachel. I might refrain from using that word.", said Laura, walking over. Vincent became nervous all of a sudden. "Nope. Not in this world can you use it."

"WHY NOT?! IT'S MY VOCABULARY!", yelled Rachel. "I also like such words as acquiesce, ostentatious, chagrin, nonplus, parsimonious, temerarious, tatterdemalion, accouterments, baroque, jejune, quiddity, sycophant, and of course, SPELUNKER!" Vincent and Laura were giving her strange looks. "What?"

"Then use one in a word. . .", said Laura.

"OKAY! I'LL USE EM' ALL IN THIS PHRASE! The banality of the spelunker's countenance didn't really nonplus his comrades, but to their ostentatious chagrin, he was quite jejune, and his true quiddity was even though he was quite the temerarious tatterdemalion, he always had extremely baroque accouterments that were never parsimonious in supply, and they acquiesced to keeping him around because they kept him around for he was such a pleasing sycophant."

"Uh. . . What did you say?", asked Laura.

"She said, that the cave explorer's rather unoriginal personality in his presence didn't confuse his fellow explorers, but to their extreme embarrassment, he was quite insipid, and what truly set him apart was that even though he looked rather ragged and had a short temper, he always wore extremely flamboyant and ornate accessories that were never in stingy supply, and they passively gave in because they only kept him around for the 'yes-man' that he was.", translated Vincent.

"YEP!", said Rachel. "HE GOT IT! Laura?" She was unconscious and confused on the ground.

"So. . .many words. . .", she said. "Head. . .spinning. . . Please stop the room, I would like to get off. . ."

"HA, HA! THE BENEFIT OF READING THE DICTIONARY!", laughed Rachel.

"That's because you have no life. . .", said Vincent.

"Don't remind me. . .", she sobbed.

"Ah, almost done. . ." It was late at night, at about 2:30 in the morning, where Lucrecia was still in the basement. She had taken all of her meals there, in favor of completing her latest masterpiece, and there was a console in front of the two green tubes where Zack and Cloud were once held. It still had the scratch marks of Cloud's nails. "I think. . .maybe. . . I'll just. . ." She collapsed on her console, with a few straight black hairs in her hand. Her memory recoiled back to the events that led up to this.

"The Turks are in need of our old leader.", said Elena. "This egotistical big shot," He eyes went to Reno, taking a nap while resting his head on his hand. "isn't cutting it, and I don't have enough seniority in the Turks to take up Tseng's old spot." Lucrecia took a sip of tea from her cup, and scooted forward in her seat a bit.

"But, he's dead.", said Lucrecia. "You can't revive him."

"There is a way. . .", said Elena. She pulled out a few black hairs. "This is where Hojo's old lab used to be. Here, he tested on MAKO showers and treatments, and Jenova cell injections. You have one such experiment. Cloud Strife." Elena too took a sip of tea. "He was a success, in a way. All the data is kept in the library downstairs. And so, we also have Hojo's old assistant here. I should hope she is much better than him."

"Well, I have done a FEW experiments, and I was there when he did his operations on Vincent. . ." Vincent was standing in the shadows up the stairs, where nobody could see him. His eyes darted to his mechanical hand, and moved the fingers a bit, letting his eyes furrow with hate, but he looked back at Lucrecia. "So, I might recall all the successes and failures. What do you propose?"

"I propose. . ." Reno began snoring. "Ugh. Wait a second. WAKE UP YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING SO-CALLED LEADER!" She smacked him on the head, and he bolted up. Rude was standing in the corner with a smile.

"OW! I'M THE LEADER! I COULD DEMOTE YOU!"

"ME?! HAH! YOU NEED ME, AND YOU KNOW IT!"

"WHY YOU-

"Please, just get to the point.", said Lucrecia.

"This is his DNA.", said Elena, referring to the strands of hair in her hand.

"Lovely thing deoxyribonucleic acid is, isn't it?", asked Lucrecia.

"Indeed.", said Elena.

"What? Lovely who-in-a-what now?", asked Reno.

"Go and just get a drink. . .", sighed Elena.

"Heh, best thing I've heard all day. . .", he said, getting up to go to the kitchen.

"Mmm, I miss him. . .", sighed Elena. But she retained her seriousness. "But I cannot let my sentiments distract me. With any form of DNA, you can replicate, or clone a human being. According to the doctor's research, there is another way of completing this. A faster, and more accurate way. All I need, is his DNA, and some form of ovum and sperm."

"Wow, talking middle school health class, are we?", asked Reno, walking back in with some brandy.

"Shut up.", said Elena. "We must remain serious. Here are the samples." She handed Lucrecia a jar. "That is the sperm. We retrieved that here in this very lab, years ago. It has been frozen, and preserved. The problem is. . ."

"No ova?", asked Lucrecia. "I shall attain some. Somehow. . ."

Lucrecia broke out of her flashback, and stood up, rubbing her eyes. The jar was in a holding tank, connected to the one tank on the right. The ova was on the other side of the same tank, and was connected to that. She put her glasses back on, and continued to work.

"What's she doing?", asked Cloud to himself. He watched Lucrecia, and when she finally stood up with a smile, do a bit of a dance, hug the console, and traipse off to bed. He sneaked into the basement through the small window, and crawled through, curious to the invention of hers. "What's this?" He pressed a few buttons on the console, and one of the tubes opened. Walking towards it, he stood in front of it put his head in, and scratched his head. "This is one freaky thing. Bad memories, too. . . AW CRAP!" He heard footsteps coming his way. He climbed back up through the small window, making it in time to escape Lucrecia's sight.

"Whoops! Forgot to get my data!" She picked up her clipboard, and saw the open tank. "Did I leave this open?" She pressed a button, and the tank closed again. "BETTER!" She left again, and Cloud was gone as well.

The left holding tank began to fill with some sort of liquid. The right was filling as well. The right was the one Cloud had opened, and the two jars were being emptied as it filled, and some of its material went into the right tank. It gave an eerie green glow, as the lights on the console blinked on and off, and something began to form. Something very small, but it was definitely there. Something. . .

"YAAAY!" Lucrecia was running down the stairs with her clipboard in hand. It was about 8:30 in the morning, and she seemed very enthusiastic. "I CAN'T WAIT TO TRY OUT MY MACHINE!" She opened the door to the lab, whistling a tune, and as soon as the green light met her blue eyes, she stopped dead in her tracks.

* * *

AN3: YEAH! A LUCRECIA EPISODE!

Konoshi: ::grabs AN3's shirt collar:: WHEN WILL IT BE COMPLETED?!

AN3: Er, soon?

Konoshi: Good answer!

AN3: AND, as I promised, a look at what Sephiroth looked like in high school. . .

Sephy lovers: OOOOOOOH!

Sephiroth: NOOOOOO!

AN3: showing picture of guy in glasses, a retainer, and long silver hair with uneven bangs It says, 'most likely to be a. . .postal worker.

Everyone: WHAT?!

Cloud: Well, she sure did go postal.

AN3: No, that wasn't that funny. I DO HAVE CLIP OF HIS PAST, HOWEVER!

Sephiroth: HOW?!

AN3: A guy in the media club when you went to school let me have it. It says. . . "Sephiroth and Aeris"? You knew each other?

Aeris: Well, now that you mention it, I DO remember a short guy with silver hair. Sephiroth DOES look a little bit like him. LET ME SEE! slaps retainer in his mouth YES! THAT'S HIM!

Sephiroth: AW, GOD!

AN3: HAH! SHALL WE ROLL THE CLIP?!

Sephy lovers: YES! YES! ROLL THE CLIP!

Sephiroth: NOW I REMEMBER THIS! NO! NOT THIS CLIP! IT'S. . . IT'S. . .

AN3: WHAT?! EMBARASSING?!

Sephiroth: Angst. A lot of angst.

AN3: Whoa. A clip of him, getting all. . .angsty. ALL THE MORE REASON TO PLAY IT! HERE IS OUR NEW CHARACTER, KRISTI! ROLL THE CLIP!

Kristi: GOTCHA!

It was sunset on the top of a high school, on the upper plate of Midgar. You could see the ocean. Aeris Gainsborough was sitting atop the entrance to the roof, looking into the sunset. A boy of about mid-stature opens the door, wearing a retainer and clothing that looks a bit too small for him.

"Dammit. . .", he says. Aeris looks down below at him there. "That stupid pack of idiots. I CAN'T TAKE IT! If they'd just stop insulting me. . ." Aeris looked at him with a bit of compassion in her eyes, but stays silent. He takes off his small jacket, and slings it over his shoulder to show him in a white undershirt, he brushes his bangs off to the side, and removes his retainer. He takes off his glasses, and looks into the sunset on the horizon. "Dammit. . ."

"Hey, are you okay?" Aeris jumped off the top of the entrance and walked over to him.

"GET AWAY!", he yelled. "Oh. Sorry. Hey, you're that girl. . . Aeris?"

"Yeah, top of the class.", she said, giving him a reassuring smile.

AN3: This is getting good. . . eats popcorn

Sadie: Nah. Way too unrealistic.

Everyone: SHHHH!

Sephiroth: ::sobs::

"What's up?", she asked.

"Nothing that concerns you.", he said.

"I think it does, somehow.", she replied. "Those popular guys picking on you again? It looks like you have a pretty nice build. Why are you taking that crap?"

"Do you honestly expect me to win against all of them?", he asked. "Dammit, I hate them."

"You have your own friends. Like that underclassman. He's the exchange student, right? What was it? Cloud?"

Cloud: ::blushes::

AN3: Well I sure learned something new today. . .

"Yeah, but he won't be here forever. And he's the same size as I am! Way too puny. . ."

"Judging from your clothes, you're having growth spurts.", she said, pointing to his jacket.

"And why am I listening to a sophomore?"

"Because, there's no one else to talk to, is there?", she asked. "So what if you're unpopular? So what? It doesn't stop you from anything."

"In a society that demands perfection, it's harder than you think.", he said, his eyes growing colder. "You're just fine. Not only do you score high, but you're well. . .pretty."

"Heh, thanks.", she said, brushing away hair that was being blown in her face. "That's the first time anybody ever said that."

"PFFF! Doubt it. . .", he said.

"No really. . .", she said. "And I'm not perfect. I'm as poor as dirt."

"But you can still make it somewhere. I'm doomed. My grades suck, I'm way too gawky, and I don't have many friends. You probably won't be selling flowers on the street. You'll be running Shinra or something."

AN3: Oh, how ironic. . .

Cloud: WHO'S PUNY?!

Everyone: SSSHHHH!

"Don't lose faith.", she said. "You have a lot of talent. I've seen you, practicing kendo in the park. You're very good."

"You were watching? I mean, uh, thanks. . .", he said. "HEY!" She took his glasses, and walked over to the edge.

"You know, you're pretty cute without glasses.", she said. He blushed a bit.

Rachel: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LOOK AT THAT!

Sephiroth: Sh-shut up. . .

"I, uh, buh, um. . . But you're relatively popular, right?", he asked.

"I wouldn't say so.", she said. "I'm not rich enough to be. But just think for a moment. Just look those guys in the eye, pull a few sword moves, and scare em' off. Intimidation is the key. I believe you'll have a lot of influence somehow in the future. Just fight for what you want. And plus. . ." She threw him back his glasses. "You've got nice eyes. Try showing them off sometime." She walked back down the stairs, and he just stood there.

"I guess you're right. . .", he said. "I guess, I'll fight. I'll be as powerful as I need to be!" The clip ended.

AN3: So, it's YOUR fault he's so maniacal, is it?

Aeris: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU IDIOT!

Sephiroth: But thinking about it now, I just killed the girl who inspired me to be powerful and godly in the first place. WOW, THAT'S REALLY IRONIC!

Surka: Not to mention that clip was totally unrealistic.

Sephiroth: You really think I have nice eyes?

Aeris: I meant, that you should do what you think is right. BURNING DOWN BUILDINGS AND KILLING THE MASSES DOES NOT CONSTITUTE AS BEING RIGHT!

Sephiroth: But it's what I think is right!

Sadie: He's gotcha there.

AN3: God, these are long ending notes. The next post should be soon. That's about all I have to say. Yeah. Goodbye now. walks off


	28. Chapter 21 p2: Welcome, Christina Strife

Chapter 21: Two of a Kind p.2, Welcome, Christina Strife.

A/N: It'll just be easier this way. FF7 is owned by Squaresoft, and LadyTifa26 owns Laura. The end.

* * *

"WHAT THE. . .?!" Lucrecia stood before the glowing green tank, broken and empty with shards of glass on the ground. "WHAT HAPPENED?!"

"What is it?" Vincent stepped down into the basement. "Did something go wrong with your experiment?"

"This is all wrong. Something triggered this." Lucrecia was receiving data from the console, and noticed a draft. Her eye caught sight of the opened window up near the ceiling. "I think something broke in. Vincent, if this is what I think happened, tell the others to look around for a strange person, or footprints, or anything, will you please?"

"I knew it was a bad idea to accept their offer. . .", he sighed. "Yes. I shall go."

"Ugh, I hate doing laundry. . .", mumbled Rachel, carrying a basket of it down to the basement of Tifa's house. "Sorting, cleaning, drying, BAH! I HATE IT!" Rachel set the basket down, and went off to see if she dropped anything.

"Erm, uh. . .HEH!" A hand moved out from behind the washer, and took a few articles of clothing from the clean laundry basket, beside the dirty one.

"Here we go. . .", said Rachel, picking up the clean one to take upstairs. "Hmph, that's odd. I remember it being a bit heavier. I'M NOT COMPLAINING, THOUGH!"

"Cloud, have you seen my other pair of boots?", asked Tifa, sitting on the stairs at the front of her house.

"Nope, nothing. . .", he said, drinking some coffee and reading the comics in the newspaper. "But have you seen my comb?"

"Nah, not me."

"ACK!" Laura ran in. "Has anybody seen my Crystal bangle? With the Fire materia at the end?"

"No.", said Tifa. "That's weird. We're all missing stuff."

"I GOT THE LAUNDRY!", declared Rachel. "It feels like some stuff is missing, though."

"Has anybody of you seen some odd stranger?" Vincent finally came to their house.

"No, but we're missing a lot of stuff.", said Tifa.

"And somebody broke into my basement.", said Vincent.

"AW, DON'T WORRY VINCE!", said Rachel. "IT WAS PROBABLY A RACCOON!"

"I hope you are right. . .", sighed Vincent.

"I'll go out and try to find it.", said Cloud. "Laura, Rachel, you go and try, too."

"AWW! BUT I'M SHTILL EATHING!", said Rachel, with a mouthful of bacon.

"MOVE IT!"

"Aw. . ."

"La, la, la, la, la, laaa-

"SHHH!" Laura had to quiet Rachel while searching around the brush surrounding Mt. Nibel.

"HMPH! Sorry if you don't like Peter's theme from 'Peter and the Wolf', by Tchaikovsky!", said Rachel.

"You're being WAY too smart lately. It's creeping me out.", said Laura. "Could you tone it down a bit?"

"Fine. . . Who's that?" There was a girl with long blonde hair and blue eyes, sitting in the tree in the distance, wearing baggy pants, tucked into the top of her boots, a blue shirt with white gloves that went up her arms, earrings, a belt on her right leg and left arm, and two bracelets.

"Um, I dunno. . .", said Laura. "It's not like I have all the answers. . ."

"Hey, I wasn't insinuating that. . .", said Rachel. "Let's go talk to her."

"Stranger than your sympathy, and this is my apology, I hurt myself from the inside out, and now my head's filled with doubt. . .Huh?" Cloud was singing as he searched for the missing items, and had stumbled on a pile of a few of them. "AH HA! I, THE GREAT CLOUD STRIFE HATH FOUNDETH THESE RELINQUISHED ITEMS! COME AWAY!" He picked them up and was about to walk away, when he heard growling behind him. "Who?" A horde of raccoons were surrounding him. "Oh, SHIIIIIIITTTTT! AAAAHHHHHHHH!" The horde of them began chasing him, and trying to bite him for the stuff, and he ran like well. . .a schoolgirl. "AAAAAHHHHH! HELP ME TIFA! AAAHHHHHH!"

"Hey, who are you?", asked Laura to the girl in the tree. Her head snapped to attention in their direction, and she hopped out. She peered around curiously at them, and Rachel and Laura couldn't help but feel. . .uncomfortable.

"Me?", asked the girl. "You? Who are. . .you?"

"Oh, um, if you want our names, I am Laura, and this is my dimwitted cohort, Rachel."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A DIMWITTED COHORT?!", yelled Rachel. The girl took a step back from her yelling.

"YOU, because, YOU, are scaring her off with your violent yelling!", said Laura. "Now, who are you?" The girl paused for a moment.

"I am. . ." She continued to pause.

"You are. . .?" Rachel was resorting to hand signals.

"STOPPIT!"

"I am who you think I am.", said the girl.

"Well, then we shall call you 'strange'! OW!" Rachel was slapped over the head.

"No, um, how about we give you a name?", asked Laura.

"That would be. . .fine." The girl seemed to struggle with her words.

"Okay, how about. . ." She thought about who this girl resembled the most. "Christina?"

"That would be all right. . .", said the girl. She had a very soft spoken manner, and seemed a bit timid. And her eyes seemed to give off an odd glow.

"HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPP!" Cloud was running in their direction. "THE RACCOONS! AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" The girl's eyes narrowed, and ran towards him. He continued to run, but the raccoons stopped. She made a few facial gestures and clicking noises, and the raccoons ran off.

"UH BUH?!", went Rachel. "I KNOW A BETTER NAME! SHE WHO SPEAKS WITH RACCOONS! OW!" This time, Cloud hit her over the head.

"That, is the DUMBEST name you could scar a person with."

"No, there's Melvin.", said Laura.

"Good point. But where did you find this girl?"

"Over there.", said Rachel, pointing to a tree. Christina came over, and just stared at Cloud.

"Um, what's her problem?", asked Cloud.

"I don't know. All I know is that she speaks to raccoons, doesn't really know her name, and doesn't say much."

"Well, I found our stuff.", said Cloud. "We can go now. And what was her name?"

"Christina.", said the girl. Her eyes had the same MAKO shimmer as Cloud's.

"Um, well then Christina, will you be coming back with us?" She looked at Laura, who had an approving look, then at Rachel, who was slowly trying to grapple Cloud's arm.

"STOPPIT!", yelled Cloud.

"Okay then.", said the girl, looking rather blank.

"Have you seen them?", asked Tifa.

"YEP! WE GOT 'EM!", said Cloud. He dumped the contents on the table.

"ACK! THIS IS THE LAUNDRY!", said Tifa.

"So? That's some of the stuff that was missing, right?"

"MY BRA IS IN HERE! DON'T LOOK YOU PERV!"

"But I've seen them dozens of times.", said Cloud. "Each and every one."

"GET AWAY!", said Tifa.

"Oh fine. . . OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PUH-LEEEEASSE CAN I SEE THEM?! I'M DESPERATE!"

"AWAY!", she yelled.

"Aw. . ."

"Aren't you coming in?" Laura was asking Christina if she was, but she stayed outside. "Is there something wrong?"

"She's probably afraid of wailing banshees.", said Rachel. "OW!" Tifa hit Rachel over the head. "Sorry. . ."

"Lucrecia, is this the person you were asking about?" Vincent walked over with her. Lucrecia examined her briefly, and came to her decision.

"It can't be.", she said. "We're looking for a Tseng look-alike. She doesn't look at all like Tseng. But tell, me. Where are you from?" This girl looked about the age of fifteen, and her demeanor was rather quiet.

"There." She pointed to the woods.

"The woods? I think she means Rocket Town or some other place in that direction.", said Lucrecia. "Nobody could live in that forest."

"She talks to raccoons.", said Rachel. "That's one hell of a national language if that's what you mean."

"But I don't believe this is the person.", said Lucrecia. "I found some footprints, and they're not hers. But. . ." She looked at Cloud, then the girl. "They bear a strange resemblance, wouldn't you say?"

"Aw, she's cute, but she doesn't really look like me.", said Cloud.

"Cute.", said the girl. "You.", she said. "Who are you?"

"Um, I'm Cloud. . .", he said. "Cloud Strife. Do you have a last name?"

"My last name was Christina.", she said. "Do I have a new one now?"

"Um, that's not what I meant. . .", he said, moving his arms rather nervously. "I mean, do you have a name that goes with that?"

"I LIKE 'STRIFE', TOO!", said Christina, with a happy smile. "Can I have that one?"

"NOOOOOO!", said Rachel. "ONLY I CAN HAVE THAT ONE! ISN'T THAT RIGHT CLOUDY!"

"GET AWAY!", said Cloud. "Fine, if it pleases you, you can have Strife as a last name. RIGHT RACHEL?!"

"Right. . .", she sighed.

"HOLD ON!" Lucrecia grabbed Christina's right arm. "I remember that this must be there in the first place. There it is." On her right wrist, there was written "02". "But this is impossible. She would have to look like Tseng. TO THE LAB!" She ran off, with Christina's arm still in hand, and was forced to run off with her.

"Are all scientists this easily excited?", asked Laura.

"I guess you must be. . .", replied Rachel.

"Here is the data. . .", said Lucrecia, pulling out a long list that trailed to the floor. "This isn't the formation of Tseng's DNA. Which I suppose figures to why she doesn't look like him. . ." Laura was trying to get her crystal bangle off Christina's neck.

"HISSSSSS!" Christina made a succession of angry noises that you'd get from an animal, and Laura backed off uneasily.

"Woo boy. . ."

"What the. . .?!" Lucrecia was examining the tube that was broken, and found a single blonde hair. Cloud looked around nervously. "WHO'S IS THIS?!" They all pointed to Cloud, the only original blonde there.

"OKAY! SO I WAS CURIOUS! BIG DEAL!" Lucrecia scanned Cloud's hair, and then a skin sample (painful), and a blood sample (hates needles), and a urine sample (not at all painful, but. . .odd), and came back with her results.

"Can I take off this paper gown. . .?", asked Cloud, embarrassed.

"Gives you a good view of back here.", said Rachel, sitting in a chair propped up against the wall, with her feet up and a bag of popcorn.

"WHERE DO YOU GET THAT POPCORN?! DO YOU CARRY IT WITH YOU?!"

"I dunno. I just find it."

"Whoops, sorry. Bad habit. I drop those everywhere because I like it so much.", said Lucrecia. "Yeah, you can put your pants back on, but it's useless to do so."

"Why? I'm sure it'd stop the draft that's blowing it up.", he said.

"Um, no. That's me. . .", said Rachel, with a fan. "I think I'll stop now. . ."

"YEAH, YOU DO THAT!" Christina was smiling all the time they were fighting like that.

"Does she like. . .him?", asked Christina, struggling with her words, but able to get it out.

"You bet. . .", said Laura nervously. "Perhaps TOO much. . ."

"AHEM!" Lucrecia readjusted her glasses, and stood up straighter, as she picked up her clipboard. "Okay Cloud, here are the results. . . Um, how should I state this? It's almost like uh. . ."

"What?"

"She's like your daughter. . ."

"WHAT?!", he yelled.

"You see, after all these tests, I have proven that the sperm used was, er, yours. . . And the hair was too, so it must have overridden Tseng's DNA, and here's some other odd fact I can prove without running the tests. . ."

"And what is THAT?!", yelled Cloud. "YOU MADE A FLYING PONY?!"

"Calm down. . .", she said. "Now, the thins is. . . There was no ova that they gave me, so I uh, sorta used my own, and that means. . ." She had this extremely nervous look that made everything very not very assuring. "She sort of my daughter, too. . ."

"Well, THIS is another way to get a kid. . .", said Tifa. "Hmph! Congratulations, Cloud."

"ABA BEBO! WHO?! WHAT?! WAIT! NOOOOOO!", he yelled. "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG OR NASTY THIS TIME! AT LEAST GIVE ME THE LUXURY OF THAT!"

"Wow Cloud, I didn't know you liked me so much. . .", said Lucrecia. "Do you LIKE older women or something?" As Lucrecia was teasing him, Vincent was giving him the evil eye.

"I think I'll take the liberty of just giving you a handshake instead. . .", said Cloud, noticing it.

"Good, Cloud. I just HATE killing my friends.", said Vincent.

"Eeeeeepp. . .", went Cloud.

"Whoa. . .", said Rachel. "SOOOOO, this means, that Cloud, is technically Christina's father."

"Yeah. She said that.", said Tifa. "Got it?"

"Just one question. . ." Rachel got up and stood and stared at Christina, who was getting more nervous the longer she stared "Why is she a teenager? The last time I checked, I wasn't born like this."

"And I'm damn sure your mother is happy she didn't have that much of a struggle.", said Tifa.

"QUIT IT!", yelled Rachel.

"You see, I found a way to speed up, and slow down, the aging process.", said Lucrecia. "Aging is also the way a cell reacts to chemicals in the body. Like in smoking or something, you look older, but that's only because the moisture is being taken out of your skin."

"And THAT is why Cid looks older than he is.", said Rachel.

"Exactly.", said Lucrecia. "But chromosomes effect aging, as well as those chemicals. Chromosomes can dictate how a person ages, and how sensitive they are to the aging chemicals. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO ASK ME THESE QUESTIONS!" She began pulling down a screen, and pulling out a movie projector.

"So Vincent, you really like these perky girls?", asked Laura.

"WHO?! WHAT?!", he yelled. "But. . . You. . . HMPH!" He just tightened the grip on his cloak and looked away.

"Hey, I didn't mean to get you angry. . .", she said. He didn't respond. "Fine, fine, just when I was beginning to like you again. . ."

"WHAT?!"

"KIDDING!"

"YESSSS!", said Lucrecia, tears of joy coming from her eyes. "THIS IS SOMETHING I ASSEMBLED MYSELF! THIS IS YOUR GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING EVERYTHING I DID TO MAKE THIS GIRL WHO SHE IS!" She grabbed Christina's arm, and pulled her up. She had no idea what was going on. "YES! MY DAUGHTER! I AM SO PROUD. . ."

"You're proud of your test tube child?", asked Rachel.

"DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT!", yelled Lucrecia. "The early years can be SO impressionable. . ."

"She's what? Fifteen?", she asked. "I don't think-

"SLIDE'S DONE REWINDING!", said Lucrecia. "LET'S PLAY IT!"

"Your guide to CHROMOSOMES!", said a voice you'd here in a sex ed. class in the fifties. "Chromosomes can dictate who you are, and what you are good at! Such as chromosome O, and chromosome S. O means that you are particularly good at strength, and S means you are good at speed. Chromosomes are responsible for many things. . . Now! As for the aging process, the reaction to chemicals in the cells, and how the chemicals react to the chromosomes already in the body is very important. Certain materials age the body, while some preserve its state! YES! THIS IS THE FASCINATING WORLD OF DNA!"

"Yeah. I now I KNOW she assembled this. . .", mumbled Rachel.

"If the chemicals age the cells, their growth and development will change more rapidly, and if deprived, they will remain youthful.", said the voice. "But alas, the body succumbs to old age. It is a process all too familiar. But chemicals can change this! Even today, people are living longer lives, because of these chemicals. So, body changes are affected by these natural chemicals. But let us discuss the aging of these cells. When a cell is exposed to a certain chemical, the cell may reproduce itself faster than it would, making development faster, or it will start the growth of another formation, yet to be there due to growth. One example is a baby being born without kneecaps. They don't normally come in for a few months, but when they start developing, BABY DO THEY GROW! Since animal cells lack a cell wall, and thus, they tend to help anything that can be, across its cytoplasm. ANYTHING. Even a virus! They cannot tell apart right from wrong, so anything will be absorbed. That explains why they will accept the chemicals. Let us call this one Chemical Y for a moment. Let us say Chemical Y is accepted, and it's a growth chemical. This means, the cell will age, and it cannot tell that is bad. That in itself, is pretty much a summary here. And-

"THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW!", said Lucrecia, flipping off the projector, and the lights on. "SO, I PUT A CHEMICAL IN THERE TO ASSIST HER AGING, BUT AS SOON AS SHE LEAVES THE TANK, THE CHEMICAL IS REMOVED FROM HER BODY! THIS MEANS, HER DEVELOPMENT WAS ASSISTED UNTIL HER AGE NOW! And nothing looks broken. . ." Lucrecia was examining her "daughter" again. "I AM SOOOOO PROUD!" She was hugging Christina happily, and Christina was just standing there, unsure what to do. She figured she'd just copy this strange woman's actions. So, she hugged her back. "AND SHE IS SOOOO SMART! THAT'S MY GIRL!"

"Cloud? Cloud?" Rachel was waving her hand in front of his blank face. "I don't think he's handling fatherhood well. . ."

"Can you say 'mommy'?", asked Lucrecia.

"Don't baby her. . .", said Vincent. "She doesn't even understand your behavior."

"Mommy?", said Christina.

"YES! YES! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!", laughed Lucrecia.

"She's really enthusiastic. . .", said Laura.

"You noticed?", asked Tifa.

"It's one o'clock. It is STILL too early to know how to age cells.", said Rachel, leaning against a tree. Laura was sitting with her, and so was Christina, where Lucrecia was teaching her things.

"Now, this is how you graph a plot using equations.", said Lucrecia. "All you have to remember is y m x b. . ."

"Are you sure she even knows algebra?", asked Laura.

"When proving a theorem every step must be justified by an axiom, a definition, or a previously proved theorem. Such as to define subtraction, the theorem is this, to prove this is true for all real numbers, a, b, and c.

c(a - b) c(a (- b)

ca c(-b)

ca (-cb)

ca - cb", said Christina. Rachel just stared.

"WHAT?! ARE YOU SPEAKING ENGLISH?!"

"She's very smart. . .", said Laura.

"Arigatou.", said Christina.

"Okay, NOW she's not speaking English.", said Lucrecia.

"Sugoi!" Christina was looking at Rachel's Titan bangle around her neck.

"Um, yes, that is mine. . .", said Rachel.

"And she STILL has my Crystal bangle. . .", said Laura.

"Before she says anything else, can you tell her to speak English?", asked Rachel.

"Christina, habla inglés.", said Lucrecia.

"Okay.", said Christina.

"SHE KNOWS SPANISH?!", asked Laura.

"Yeah. I know Spanish, Latin, Japanese, English, and the British colloquialism known as "Cockney", said Christina.

"Her speech is better. . .", said Rachel, gradually getting a mental overload. "My head hurts. . . Too much math. . ."

"She learns quickly.", said Lucrecia. "I'm surprised she has any bit of Cloud's DNA when it comes to that. . ."

"HEY! I HEARD THAT!", yelled Cloud, back in town.

"BUT THAT SIDE MUST BE FROM ME!", said Lucrecia. "She's like the perfect daughter. . ."

"Thank you.", said Christina. "That's very kind of you to say."

"SEE?!"

"Oh boy. . .", Laura sighed.

"So, you found a girl?", asked Aeris, sitting at Tifa's table with a cup of tea.

"Yeah.", said Tifa.

"And when do you think he is going to get over the shock?" Cloud's head was lying on the table, still unconscious.

"As soon as he can accept it.", said Tifa, opening the newspaper. "Hm?" Inside the paper, was a man who looked like Tseng, shaking the president's hand, but on his wrist, it had a tiny, "1" on it.

"I think we have a problem. . ."

* * *

AN3: Wow Cloud, you're a daddy.

Cloud: ::spaced out drooling::

Lucrecia: I don't think he's taking it too well. I HOWEVER LOVE MY DAUGHTER! ::hugs Christina::

Sephiroth: WAHAHAHHAAAAAA! HE'S A FATHER!

AN3: And YOU are gonna settle down with a WIFE. . .

Sephiroth: DAMMIT!

AN3: NOW! THE RESULTS OF THE SECOND ROUND! THE NUMBERS ARE. . . 10. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the numbers had to be 1-12, so the number are gonna be weird, because some are not what they picked. 10 is. . . Meagan.

Meagan- ::crossing fingers::

Konoshi- ::paying homage to any god that will listen::

AN3: 6. That is Konoshi. 7. That is Meagan. 1. Konoshi. Monotonous, isn't it? Okay. . . 5. MEAGAN! OH MY GOD! FATE IS TOYING WITH YOU PEOPLE! TWO MORE TRIES IF THIS CONTINUES! 11. Hmm. That's Meagan. That means that Surka wins. . .

Meagan: ::doing happy dance with Surka::

Konoshi: I DEMAND A RE-ROLL!

AN3: UHEH! Sorry, rules are rules. . .

Konoshi: ::charges with her halberd::

AN3: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! runs away like little school girl she is

Laura: Um, see you next time on Alternate Earth!

Sephiroth: I marry my protégé. Oh my god. . .

Rachel: And I do recall Meagan saying she only had a 1:7 chance, she didn't have enough luck to do this a second time, and many, many other negative words. I'm gonna try this. . .

Konoshi: BLLLLLAAAAAAAAARRRGH!

AN3: ::screaming::

Vincent: END THESE NOTES ALREADY!

Thank you.


	29. Chapter 22: Kristi, the Traveling Musici...

Chapter 22: Kristi, the Traveling Musician

A/N: Okay, here's the deal. From now on, new characters are to be introduced every so often, so that you should ALL know that reviewers own these characters, NOT me. FF7 is owned by Squaresoft and LadyTifa26 owns Laura. Heheh. She owns her SOUL...Whereas Squaresoft owns MINE, but we shall not delve into such matters.

* * *

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" Tifa was yelling at Christina, who was standing at the stove in an apron, whistling.

"Sorry. . .", said Christina. "Here you go. . ." She sulked off, and left Tifa to cook the omelets.

"Hey, these are perfect. . .", said Tifa.

"She's too damn perfect if you ask me. . .", mumbled Rachel.

"What was that?"

"Sorry. I've just had bad experiences with people like that. Social problems.", said Rachel.

"Have you noticed she's been a bit sad lately?", asked Laura. "And she still doesn't know about the. . .it." Laura didn't know what to name the Tseng clone. "We're eventually gonna have to do something about it."

"Her sulking, or the clone?", asked Rachel. "And you call my world weird, whereas you have giant chickens, clones, vampires-

"I AM NOT A VAMPIRE!", yelled Vincent, from across the table.

"AHEM! VAMPIRES. . .", continued Rachel. "Mad scientists, huge flaming chunks of space rocks, glowy rocks that give you magic, and crazy love triangles. Okay those exist but- HOW ARE YA' DOIN' CLOUDY?!" Cloud walked in, and he hasn't said much since he found out that Christina was technically his daughter.

". . .hugbees. . .", he said, with a glaze on his eyes. "I like turkey, too MOMMY!", he wailed.

"Yeah, he's not over it. . .", said Laura.

Christina was up sitting in the bed they moved into the room Rachel and Aeris stayed in, just sitting there sadly. She heard something she's never heard before. Compelled by the noise, she walked into Tifa's room, and found Rachel playing "Fur Elise" on the piano.

"What is that?", asked Christina.

"Huh? Oh, it's you. . .", said Rachel. "I'm just warming up my fingers to play some music."

"Music. . .?", said Christina, rather intrigued. "What's that? Can I eat it?"

"NOOOOO!", said Rachel. "You must think with your stomach. . . You listen to it, and you can play it. Like this." Rachel went through the b flat scale. "That is something you can play. Or. . ." Rachel began playing "Moonlight Sonata" on it now. "Heh. I'm a big fan of Beethoven. . ."

"Beethoven?", asked Christina. "Is that edible?"

"NOOOOO!", shouted Rachel. "Listen." Rachel was now playing a bit from "Canon in D minor", when Laura walked in.

"Huh? Haven't heard you play the piano in a while. . .", said Laura. "LISTEN TO THIS!" She began playing "The Entertainer" by Scott Joplin. "NOBODY CAN DENY THE ICE CREAM MAN MUSIC!"

"IT WAS ALSO PLAYED AS A FAVORITE BAR SONG!", said Rachel. Christina didn't understand a thing. "Wow, I'm getting hungry for ice cream. . ."

"It's a reaction. . .", sighed Laura.

"Can I learn?", asked Christina. She began banging on the keys to make a jumble in the notes, that could hardly be dubbed "melodious".

"MAKE IT STOP!", yelled Rachel. "IT HURTS!"

"Sorry. . .", said Christina.

A girl was walking on a dirt path that led to Nibelheim, striking her violin as she went on her way. The sound drifted about the mountains, and she carried a smile, as well as twin daggers about her waist. She wore a long-sleeved black shirt, a short miniskirt, and the sleeves on her arm had stretched to serve her gloves. Her leather boots clopped in time to her song, and she slowly neared the used-to-be quiet mountain town.

"What the hell was that ungodly noise?", asked Tifa.

"Er, that was Christina's version of er. . . music.", said Rachel.

"Ouch."

"Sorry. . ." Lately, that's all Christina would ever say. Even Lucrecia couldn't bring her out of her late slump.

"She's too perfect. . .", said Rachel, in Christina's flashback. She was listening from behind a door. "It's not normal. And plus, it gets annoying."

"I admit, she can get annoying. . .",said Tifa. "But you just gotta deal with it. I have to."

"Just give her time. . .", said Lucrecia. "She'll prove to be useful. I promise."

"Still, I don't like her. . .", said Rachel. "I can't really stand people without any flaws. . ."

"Or maybe you're so dumb she only seems perfectly intelligent.", said Tifa.

"HEY!"

"But I must say, she does seem too oddly perfect." Tifa leaned her head on her hand. "Just try and see that she tones it down a bit. Okay?"

"Yes. . .", said Lucrecia. "I'll go see her now." Christina was shaken by Rachel's words. She ran back upstairs, and Lucrecia caught a glimpse of her foot. Something was up.

"I'LL GO!", yelled Christina. She walked out in a huff, and sat down by the tree she was found around.

"What was that about?", asked Tifa.

"I have no idea. . .", said Rachel. "She seems a bit moody now, though. . ."

"What's wrong with me?", asked Christina. "Is there something wrong? I only wanted to do things right, and now they don't like me for it. People are so confusing. . ." Her mind took a recourse back to Rachel's words the other day.

"You're really proud of your test tube kid?" She was really sort of hurt by that, and it only made her want to try harder.

"Should I just be dumber?", Christina asked herself.

"HEYA, HIYA, HOWYA!" The girl with the violin stepped up to her with an enormous grin. "I'M KRISTI! WHAT'S UP?!"

"Nothing. . .", said Christina. "I'm Christina. How are you?"

"JUST FINE!", she said. "Odd, how similar our names are. . ."

"What's that?" Christina was pointing at Kristi's instrument.

"That's new. You haven't seen one if these before, kid? It's a violin." She played a quick succession of notes, and stopped. "TADA!"

"Should I look for her?", asked Aeris. "It's not very good if you leave somebody like that alone for a long time. . ."

"She'll figure it out. . .", said Rachel. "Remember, she's 'perfect'."

"Rachel, stop that!", said Laura. "I know you don't like her, but make an effort to, okay?"

"She keeps slinging in my face that I don't know everything.", said Rachel.

"So, you don't know all that stuff.", said Tifa. "I don't know all that stuff. She's even outwitted Lucrecia on occasion. It doesn't matter if that's not your forte, because you still have other strengths."

"Wow. Insightful. And like what?"

"The music?"

"Good point."

"HEY! YOU CAN'T EAT THAT!" Christina was sticking Kristi's violin in her mouth. "You must be hungry, Jesus. . ." She pulled out the guitar strapped to her back. "Do ya' like one of these, kid?"

"Food?"

"NOOOO!", said Kristi. "IT'S A GUITAR!"

"Sorry. . .", apologized the blonde, fifteen year-old clone. "I haven't been that great lately. . ."

"HEH! LET IT OUT!", said Kristi, with this spark in her great forest green eyes. "COME ON! GIVE IT A TRY!" She handed Christina her guitar, and watched as she tried to figure out how to produce any sound. THUMP! "NOOOO! YOU DON'T BANG IT!"

"Sorry. . ."

"This is what you do." Kristi took out a guitar pick and began strumming it across the strings. "Like that. You are one strange kid, ya' know that?"

"Where are you from?"

"Um, uh. . ." Kristi had this nervous look on her face all of a sudden. "Uptown. Way uptown. . ."

"Uptown? From where?"

"HERE YA' GO KID!" She just handed over her guitar and hope this situation would just blow over.

"Er, okay. . ." Christina took the guitar pick and the guitar, and plucked a note. "Is that it?"

"You can do more with it. . ."

"Artistic expression?", asked Tifa.

"Yeah. That's the one thing I failed to mention.", said Lucrecia. "I hadn't taught her a thing in it, because I suck so badly at it. . ."

"YES! AND THAT IS MY STRENGTH!", said Rachel, with renewed strength in her eyes. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

"Jesus, calm down, child. . .", said Tifa.

"What's with you? All of a sudden, you've become a bit. . .mellow. It's odd for you."

"Meh.", shrugged Tifa. "Would you rather me beat the hell out of you, like always?"

"Well, that WOULD put the bear traps to use. . .", said Rachel.

"SHUT UP!" THWOCK! She was throttled again.

"Ow. . ."

"AAAAAGGHHH!", yelled Kristi. "OKAY! OKAY! THIS FIGURES! STOPPIT!" Christina couldn't make sense of a single note, and so it all jumbled together to produce one strange noise after another.

"Sorry. . ."

"Yo kid, you have to stop saying that all the time.", said Kristi. "It's not healthy."

"Sorry. . ."

"Nevermind. . .", she sighed. "Hopeless."

"Christina? Are you here?" Lucrecia and Tifa were searching for her. Then, Rachel stepped out behind them, and Christina caught sight of her presence.

"I HAVE TO GO!", said Christina, brushing past Kristi.

"HEY! KID, STOP!" Kristi grabbed her arm, and was able to stick her in one place.

"There you are!", said Lucrecia. "You left in such a hurry, there must've been something wrong. Who's this?"

"OH MY GOD!", yelled Kristi. She was pointing at Tifa. "But this can't- This isn't- JESUS!"

"What? Why didn't you tell us your friend was mentally unstable?", asked Tifa.

"I AM NOT!"

"Er, hi Christina. . ." Rachel came out from behind them, and Christina was taken aback.

"I'M GOING!" She ran off again.

"Poor thing, that kid.", said Kristi.

"Kid?", said Tifa. "She's about fifteen. You're what?"

"Seventeen.", said Kristi. "Meh. Good enough. She's always saying sorry though. She always looks sad, too."

"Perfect?" Tifa was giving the evil eye to Rachel.

"SHE STILL IS! SHE'S STILL TOO SMART!", yelled Rachel.

"You couldn't outwit a retarded rock, and you don't yell at those. . .", said Tifa.

"Of course I don't. What's the use of yelling at a rock?"

"You are so hopelessly dumb. . .", she sighed. "When do we tell her about the. . ."

"Brother?", asked Lucrecia. "I suppose we can call it that. We shall tell her, when it's time. She's feeling too fragile now. I still don't know what's wrong with her."

"She needs friends.", said Laura.

"AGH! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!", yelled Rachel.

"I was standing right behind you, Madam Perceptive.", said Laura. "I've been here the entire time. And like I said, she hasn't been getting along well here. Personally, even I don't quite like it that she beats me at every mind game and puzzle, and she's sort of athletically talented. . ."

"It's the combination of genetics. . .", sighed Lucrecia. "My intelligence and understanding plus Cloud's looks and strength. Then what about her brother then. . .? He's more like Tseng, so at least I know that part of the experiment worked, but how did he get found out by the Turks already?"

"They're the Turks.", said Rachel. "They just pop up everywhere."

"I just hope this doesn't become complicated. . .", sighed Tifa.

"Rachel, go apologize.", said Laura. "She runs away every time she sees you."

"Perhaps that part of mental growth hasn't matured yet. . .", said Lucrecia.

"Are you gonna get all science-y?", asked Rachel. "You've been doing that a LOT lately."

"I AM LUCRECIA! GAST AND HOJO'S LEGACY! I MUST BE BRILLIANT!", shouted Lucrecia.

"Gast sure rubbed off on you. . .", said Rachel.

"Heh! I know. . .", said Lucrecia. "But, I might've been able to stimulate the age of her cells, but perhaps not her mental growth. Not fully anyway. Her motor skills are developed, and she pronounces things well, but her emotions. . ."

"Yeah? What?", asked Laura. "You mean, she's still like a child?"

"Precisely.", said Lucrecia. "She's very sensitive. Rachel, go apologize."

"Fine. . .", sighed Rachel. "I just hope this doesn't repeat itself like past social cycles. . ."

"They think I'm annoying.", said Christina. "My father doesn't even love me. I'm useless. . ." She looked at the palms of her hands, and saw no use in them. She felt like she wasn't supposed to exist. She was born from a tube, spawned from science and metal and machinery. But the others were loved. . . They came from real families.

"Christina?" Rachel peered from behind at her, scaring Christina.

"AHHH! OH, I'M SORRY!", she yelled. "I'LL GO!"

"NO! WAIT!", yelled Rachel. But she had already taken off again. "Damn, is she gonna do this every time?"

"Give her a while."

"AGH!" Kristi startled Rachel. "DON'T DO THAT!"

"HAH! SORRY!", said Kristi. "But give her time. I understand her. . ."

"What?" Kristi picked up her fiddle, and began playing a sad, lilting tune.

"She feels overwhelmed. She doesn't feel a sense of belonging. The mind of a genius, with the feelings of a child. With her understanding, and how sensitive she is, she could go to great lengths. That could be a good thing, and a bad thing. . . Music is the words of the soul. It's very universal. The feeling is mutual. It crosses infinite boundaries. ."

"And what are you saying?"

"I'm saying, let her pour her guts out. Just don't let it go too far. She is still human, even if she is not human born."

"When did you get so insightful?"

"TODAY!", shouted Kristi. "Her story is so sad. . . Born from machines, everybody dislikes her, when all she wants is acceptance. But that's all we really want, isn't it? In a perfect world, to be in a perfect place, and to exist as the perfect person. To be loved by the perfect person. Isn't that true?" Kristi shot Rachel a look from her green eyes, to Rachel's dark brown ones. "You know. They told me all about it. You didn't feel so great either."

"I'll go.", said Rachel. "I should. It's the least I can do."

"YEP! HOP TO IT!" Kristi had her big, wide smile. But it shrank to a quiet one all of a sudden. "Before she's gone." She left in the breath of the wind.

"Oh shit."

"I must. . .get away. . ." Christina was running though the forest "They don't. . .need me. . ." She ran to the bank of a river, and began to cross. "I need to get far away. . ."

"OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIIIIITTTT!", yelled Rachel. "AND ONLY NOW DO I GET WHAT SHE MEANS!"

"Why are there profanities spewing out of the forest?", asked a child to his mother, traveling nearby.

"I hear it's haunted. . .", said a man they were traveling with. "By a scary ghost, who lost somebody they loved. . ."

"SHIIIIIIITTT!" Rachel ran across the road they were traveling on, and they just sat there, recovering from what the saw.

"Haunted?", asked the mother. "You're right. She looked inhuman."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!" Rachel heard her, and ran back. "I AM NOT THAT UGLY!"

"AAAHHHH! MOMMY!" The child clung to his mother's side. "IT'S SO SCARY LOOKING!"

"IT'S HIDEOUS!", yelled the man.

"HEY!"

"RACHEL! MOVE YOUR ASS!" Laura grabbed Rachel by the shirt collar, and they continued to run.

"SHIIIIIT!"

"Uh. . ." They were left speechless.

"That last one was hot.", said the man.

"SHUT UP!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!", yelled Rachel.

"MAKING SURE YOU DO YOUR JOB!", yelled Laura. "NOW GO!" She shoved her forward, and Christina came into view. She was actually. . .crying.

"Christina?" She was surprised by Rachel's appearance, and scooted back. She couldn't go far, because they were beside a small, clear pond, leading to a waterfall, and Christina was cornered.

"You know. . .", she said. "if you hate me so much, you should really just leave me alone."

"I don't hate you. . .", said Rachel. "It's just-

"You can't stand me? Then go.", said the crying girl, her liquid blue eyes melting to tears.

"I DON'T HATE YOU!" Rachel was losing it.

"Sounds like it. . ."

"I DON'T! It's just that, you don't have to be so smart."

"So you want me to be dumb? So you'll feel better?"

"Okay, I said that the wrong way. . . I mean, I judged you. Okay? I was just a little jealous."

"Yeah, I'm sure. . .", said Christina.

"Yeah, that was a lie. . .", said Rachel. "But do you really want to know the truth? I feel really insecure. . ." Christina looked at Rachel skeptically. "I've had really bad experiences with people that look, and act a lot like you. Except for the super intelligent part of course. I mean, the perfect person. . . It's not highly unlikely for them to be disliked, ya' know?"

"But they're perfect. . ."

"And normal people aren't. We can't deal with stuff like that."

"Stop saying 'normal people'. I'm human, just like you. The perfect person smiles. The perfect person is always happy. The perfect person is. . .perfect."

"But-

"NO!" Christina scooted back even farther.

"GET BACK HERE!", yelled Rachel.

"FORGET IT!" Christina went on another mad dash, and came to the edge of the falls.

"Heh, how ironic. . .", said Laura. "This is the same waterfall Lucrecia was really under, and so, her daughter comes here, too. . ." She was still hidden in the bushes, watching what was going on.

"DON'T COME CLOSER!", warned Christina. "I DON'T LIKE YOU!"

"YOU CAN'T! YOU'RE INSANE!", yelled Rachel. She took a step forward. Christina took a step back. And fell. "OH DEAR SWEET JESUS!" Rachel was barely able to grasp her hand.

"Let. . .let me go. . .", said Christina, with poisonous rage.

"For the mind of a child, you sure sound angry. . .", said Rachel. "And GOD you are so heavy. . ."

"The feelings of a child. It is hard to forgive. . .", said Lucrecia, back in Nibelheim, talking to Tifa.

"Why is that so?"

"She is still learning how to trust.", said Lucrecia. "It's a very hard thing to develop. And Rachel hasn't had the best experiences. How can they learn how to stand each other?"

"You are forgetting about time, my friend.", said Tifa. "Time heals all wounds."

"That's very true. . . And time mends many tales. Let this be okay. I'm getting worried. . ."

"LET GO!"

"I can't!", said Rachel. "Trust me! Climb up!"

"NO!"

"COME ON!"  
"FORGET IT!"

"You're slipping. . . AHHH!" Christina plummeted down.

"Oh shit."

"Ahhh, back on my journey. Kristi, the traveling musician!", she said, walking with her violin in hand. "OUCH!" She fell over, after getting her foot caught. "STUPID TREE ROOT! Wait. Tree roots don't breathe. . . AHHH! THE TREE IS ALIVE! No wait. False alarm. . . You?" She stumbled upon the battered body of Christina. She was hardly breathing. "Looks like the tent is gonna be crowded. . ."

"YOU WHAT?!"

"SHE SLIPPED!" Rachel was back in town, getting yelled put by Tifa and Lucrecia. "I COULDN'T HELP IT!"

"IF YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE NICER-

"Forget it. . .", sighed Lucrecia. "Don't blame her. She could only trust on her own. . ."

"Lucrecia-

"No.", she said solemnly, tears gradually building. "Nobody could've helped her. It was something too far gone." She left the house. "I'm gonna be in the basement. . ."

"Lucrecia. . . YOU DUMMY!", yelled Tifa. "LOOK WHAT YOU DID!"

"ME?! WHY ME?!"

"YOU ARE DEAD!"

"AAAAHHHHHH!"

The sound of sweet music was playing in Christina's mind. She opened her eyes slowly, to see the blurry image of a girl in a black shirt and glasses, sitting on the far end of her, playing a violin.

"Oh! Up are you?" Kristi crawled over. "Sorry. The tent is rather small. I'm sleeping outside, so you can have it." Christina was too weak to complain. "You can stay until you're better. What was up back there? Did Rachel get the hint? Or was she too stupid. . .?"

"She. . .was fine. . .", said Christina. "I couldn't hold on. . . I'm never good enough for anything. . ."

"Oh, shut up, you.", said Kristi. Christina's eyes widened. "HAHA! GOTCHA GOOD! But in all seriousness, lighten up already. You can't run away from everything. Unless of course, you're fast enough. BUT THAT'S NEVER THE CASE!"  
"I'll never be perfect. . .", said Christina. "That's all they want, isn't it?"

"The perfect being.", said Kristi. "How could that possibly be defined?"

"They would. . . look perfect, act perfect, and simply just be perfect.", said Christina.

"No.", disagreed Kristi. "That's the perfect machine you are describing. The perfect human is themselves. Learn that sometime. I'm tired. I gotta go! Sleep well!" She stepped outside the tent, and Christina looked back up to the ceiling of the tent.

"I'm. . .sorry. . .", she said, before easing into sleep again.

"OWWWW. . ." Rachel was on the ground, hanging on to consciousness, with blood gushing from her head. "She doesn't have to hit so hard. . ."

* * *

AN3: My, my. Wasn't that the most craptastic chapter ever?

Palmer, Konoshi, and Holly: HERE, HERE!

AN3: Oh, thanks for the vote of confidence. . . I'm tired. REALLY tired. And I just tried out for a part in a play. I feel sick. . . Why did I try out? I'm really shy, and I don't handle crowds well. . .

Sephiroth: Because you're an idiot.

AN3: I'll go now. So. . .tired. See ya'. . . plods off


	30. Chapter 23: A Bond Between a Girl and a ...

Chapter 23: A Bond Between a Girl and a Clone

A/N: FF7 is owned by Squaresoft, and LadyTifa26 owns Laura. Miscellaneous reviewers own miscellaneous characters.

* * *

"Feeling better, are ya'?" Kristi was talking to Christina, who was undoing her bandages. "Are you sure you don't need those?"

"Affirmative.", said Christina, talking off the last of them on her right arm. "I'm fine!" She gave a happy smile, for the first time in days. She had been staying with Kristi in her tent for about three days. So far, she had been about a week old. Wow. That's old enough to know calculus, right? "Am I traveling with you now?"

"Can't really say so.", said Kristi. "At least, the others should know you're alive."

"HMPH! As if they care. . ."

"Rachel did, eventually."

"AGH! I can't stand her. . ."

"You're acting like a child.", said Kristi, starting a fire to boil water over. "Forgive and forget, ya' know?"

"She hurt my feelings. . ."

"We all get hurt. We just gotta get back up on our high horse and move on. Forgive each other. You won't learn otherwise."

"Bet I could."

"Okay, listen to my offer.", said Kristi, setting her guitar in its case. "As you know, I'm a traveling musician. I can let you come with me, but only on one condition. You have to at least confront the others, and garner their permission. Then, you can decide whether you want to come with me or not. I'm telling you, I can't afford to stay at an inn all the time, so staying in the wilderness will be often. It's not easy."

"You don't need to tell me. I know that. It's just that I prefer staying with you, that's all."

"Flattering, but that won't cut it.", said Kristi. She adjusted her glasses, and stood up. "I WANT YOU TO GO WITHOUT REGRETS IF IT IS YOUR DECISION TO COME!" She struck this odd pose and continued. "LET YOUR MIND AND SOUL BLOW EVERYWHERE WITH THE WIND, BUT NEVER LEAVE YOUR HEART BEHIND! THAT'S WHY I AM A TRAVELING MUSICIAN!"

"Really?"

"That, and great work hours. . ." Kristi gave her, her jaunty, lopsided, but thoroughly cute smile. Christina sighed.

"Weird. . ."

"Grrr. . . It wasn't my fault she slipped. . ." Rachel was in the barn, cleaning up the chocobos for the third day straight. Tifa was sitting outside, on a lawn chair, basking in the sun, reading a book with sunglasses on.

"Keep working. It's your punishment. . ."

"FOR HER SLIPPING?!"

"For not apologizing earlier, and for being insensitive."

"THEN WHY AM I DOING THIS?!" Laura stuck her head out of a stall, looking angry.

"Misery loves company.", said Tifa. "I'm gonna take a nap now. . ."

"Grrr. . ."

"So that's what you do?" Kristi was sitting under a tree, beside a stream, not expecting Christina to get out of her bandages so soon. "You just play music, and people give you money for it?"

"That, and I do random poetry.", said Kristi. "I tend to be quite artistic. And when I send those poems in to magazines, they give me money."

"People pay for them?", asked Christina inquisitively.

"Hey, they're not THAT bad, kid.", said Kristi, giving her friend an odd look. "Come on, do a bit of prose for me."

"Prose? I'm sorry, I'm not that gifted in the arts. . . And will you please stop calling me kid?"

"If you stop saying 'sorry' all the time, and do a bit of a free form for me."

"I have nothing to talk about."

"You have stuff to argue about, apparently. Here's an example that I wrote when it was snowing around Christmas. AHEM!", she coughed, with great drama.

"Snow falling out my window,

drifting like myself,

I trace their path with mine,

falling, so slowly,

evanescent to the span of time,

but what can I say about my own?

The days drag on, still so slowly,

just like the wintry down,

falling outside my window."

"Sorry. . . Still don't get it.", said Christina.

"Nevermind. . .", sighed Kristi.

"So, she's gone. . ."

"You've been repeating that for three days, Cloud." Lucrecia was talking to Cloud, out front of his house.

"I haven't said much to her. . ."

"And maybe that's one reason why she left, dipstick.", said Lucrecia.

"Hey, don't insult me, I was taken by surprise. . .", he said. "I can't believe it. I thought she was cute, too. . . Totally creepy."

"Oh, I only wish I could see my daughter again!", pouted Lucrecia, in that old mad scientist manner. Melodramatic. "WHY?!"

"What the hell are we doing?" Rachel and the rest were standing in front of a grave, wearing all black. "We don't even have her damn body, or any proof she's dead."

"SHE'S DEAD!", yelled Lucrecia. "WHYYYYYY?!"

"She's gone off the deep end. . .", sighed Laura nervously, with a sweat mark.

"What's up?" Christina just walked up to them, and popped up next to Laura.

"OH CHRISTINAAAAAA!!!", cried Lucrecia. "YOU'RE DEAAAAAD!"

"But mom-

"WHYYYYYYYY?!"

"Uh, mom-

"WWWWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY?!"

"MOM!" Christina had to yell to catch her attention.

"Yes, dear?"

"I'm alive."  
"WHHHHHHYYYY- WHAT?!" Lucrecia took her hand, and poked her daughter. "She feels solid. . ."

"Because I AM solid, mom. . .", said Christina.

"Well, since we're off that matter. . .", said Lucrecia. "YOU HAD ME SO WORRIED! YOU CAN'T JUST POP OUT FROM THE GRAVE JUST LIKE THAT!"

"I WAS NEVER DEAD!"

"Christina. . .?" Cloud stepped up to his daughter, and peered into her eyes.

"Uh. . .yes?"

"So you are. . ." He stopped, then looked back at Rachel, Tifa, and Aeris. Rachel was glaring, Tifa was standing there with a look of indifference, and Aeris had a sentimental smile. "Just call me 'dad'." He had this nervous smile, but that was enough to calm his daughter down. But she still sensed something.

"Dad, huh?", she asked.

"Er, yeah. . . Anything wrong?"

"Nothing!" She attached herself to his waist, and hugged him lovingly. Lucrecia came over to join them.

"Freeloader. . .", mumbled Rachel.

"Woman stealer. . .", mumbled Vincent. The both stood behind that scene, glaring angrily. "YOU SHALL BE MINE!", they both yelled in unison. "Huh?" They looked at each other for a moment, then looked away. "HMPH!"

"Hmph, indeed. . .", said Laura. "Yours huh?" Vincent started sweating.

"Uh, buh, guh. . . Boy, is it warm in here!"

"Nice try. It might've worked if it weren't WINTER."

"Whoops. . ."

"YOU WHAT?!"

"You heard me.", said Kristi, with her arms folded, and her legs propped up on the table, leaning back casually. "I think you and Rachel should make amends before we head off anywhere, and so, you must do that to come."

"You can't be serious. . .", said Christina. "But-

"Forget it then.", said Kristi. "No deal."

"I'm fine, I guess. . .", said Rachel. "As long as she doesn't run off again."

"Then it's settled! Christina! Rachel! I SENTENCE YOU TO BOND!"

"But I never agreed to that!", shouted Christina. "I won-

"Do I hear any complaints?", asked Kristi. "None?"

"BUT-

"OKAY! AGREED!"  
"Come on.", said Lucrecia. "Rachel isn't so bad."

"Yeah, for a fan girl, she could be worse.", said Cloud.

"CLOUDY! SQUEE! YOU LOVE ME AFTER ALL!"

"GET. . .AWAY. . .", he warned.

"Fine. . .", sighed Rachel.

"Good.", said Kristi. "I, as declared by the great and omnipotent Kristi, loved and admired by all in such a loving manner that-

"GET ON WITH IT!", yelled Vincent. They all turned and looked at him. "Sorry."

"YES! WELL!", announced Kristi. "Christina, do you remember where the campsite was?"

"Yes.", said Christina.

"GOOD! In those woods, I REQUIRE YOU TO REFLECT, LISTEN, SPEAK, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, BOND!"

"Must I do anything?", asked Laura.

"NOPE!"

"WELL, IT'S NICE SEEIN' YA' RACHEL!", she said, slapping Rachel on the back. "Lord knows, you can't find your way out of a broom closet with a map. . ."

"Shut up. . .", mumbled Rachel.

"Fine.", said Christina. "If this is what it takes to get me away from her, that's okay."

"Glad you feel that way!", said Kristi. "Now, Tifa. . ."

"What?"

"CAN I PLEASE USE YOUR BATHROOM! I HAVEN'T USED A CIVILIZED FACILITY IN THE LONGEST TIME!"

"You said you always just go the next town, and hitch a ride sometimes, and normally don't use. . .what mother nature gave us.", said Christina.

"Damn trees. . .", muttered Kristi.

"And, you said that you used a real bathroom, A FEW HOURS AGO!"

"WELL I REALLY GOTTA PEE!", yelled Kristi. "I'M GOING! ARRRRGH!" She ran to the bathroom, and slammed the door shut, whereas an audible "Ahhhhhh. . ." could be heard.

"She's a very charming person, isn't she?", asked Rachel, giving her nonplused look.

"Yeah, isn't it obvious?", said Tifa. "About as charming as a moose's a-

"I CAN HEAR YOU!", yelled Kristi. "Rude. . ."

"So, this is it. . .?" Rachel and Christina were standing exasperated at the edge of the woods.

"YEP!", said Kristi.

"This better be worth getting outta here. . .", mumbled Christina.

"I hope I packed the doughnuts. . .", said Rachel. "I'm getting hungry. . ."

"DOUGHNUTS?!", yelled Cloud. "WHAT YOU THINK YOU NEED MOST ARE DOUGHNUTS?!"

"Unless YOU want to come with ME, Cloudy. . .", said Rachel. "And spend some. . .private 'bonding time' of our own. . ."

"HAVE A NICE TIME!", he said, giving Rachel a box of doughnuts and ushering them into the forest.

"WE'LL MEET BACK IN A DAY!", shouted Lucrecia. "Oh dear. . . I hope they'll be all right. . ."

"With Christina, they should be fine. . .", said Laura. "But knowing Rachel. . ."

"What?", asked Tifa.

"They're doomed." They all sighed, and Tifa put her hands together and bowed her head.

"May their souls rest in peace. . ."

"Stay on your own side of the stick!", shouted Christina, on the right side.

"Why?", asked Rachel. "If we don't fix our problems, Kristi will most likely not take you."

"Then, we shall bond by staying on our own sides! STOPPIT!" Rachel stuck her hand over the stick.

"Fine." Rachel picked up the stick, and moved it an inch to the right. "My side's bigger."

"STOP!"

"Pffff. . ." Rachel blew that off, and sat down. "There. Are you happy?"

"Much. . . STOP!"

"What? I was just handing you-

"NOT A WORD!"

"Your supplies. . .", said Rachel. "Great. More for me."  
"GIVE ME THAT!"

"Wow, what a nag. . .", said Rachel.

"Hmph. Here." Christina gave Rachel a bottle of water, and moved the stick closer to her. "Happy?"

"About the stick?"

"Aren't you?"

"IT'S A DAMN STICK, WOMAN!", yelled Rachel. "Jesus, it doesn't matter much. . . It's nothing to get excited over. . ."

"Oh, and look at you. . .", said Christina. "Doughnuts?" Rachel shot her a look of anger, with a jelly doughnut in her mouth, hanging out.

"Whelth, exthuth mephh, mdm bithy. . .", said Rachel, the doughnut still hanging out.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!"

"You heard me. The way you're behaving, it's more likely that Tifa's your mom. . ."

"Oh, the brown-haired lady?", asked Christina. "What about her?"

"I won't say. . .", said Rachel, in a hushed tone. "She has ears everywhere. . ."

"I KNOW WHAT YOU SAID, RACHEL!", shouted Tifa's voice from a long way off. "I CAN FEEL IT!"

"See what I mean?" Christina was about to laugh, when she realized who she was dealing with.

"Hmph!", she just said, and turned her head away. "My side."

"Okay. My side has a stream and a pond anyway.", said Rachel. "Look at yours." Christina turned around, and her side was basically dry and dead. "Thanks."

"NO FAIR!", shouted Christina.

"Odd. You made the rules. . .", said Rachel. Christina turned the stick to a horizontal position, splitting the stream and the pond.

"THERE! BETTER!"

"I have more of the-

"QUIET!"

"But-

"SHHHH!"

"SNAKE!"

"WHERE?! EEEEEEEKK!" Christina comically began trying to climb a tree, when Rachel stood up casually.

"And I'm the idiot? Maybe I am, but you're more gullible. There's no snake." She shot Rachel a look entirely of death, then her eyes widened, and she tried to scoot up the tree even father.

"S-s-s-s. . ."

"That's not a good snake impression.", said Rachel.

"S-ss-ss-s. . .", she stuttered. "SNAKE!"

"Huh?" Rachel looked down, and a snake was coiled around her leg. "Oh, that's no good, is it. . .?"

"IDIOT! YOU'RE DEAD!"

"Yeah, I would be. . .", said Rachel. "If this weren't a GARTER snake. . ."

"Oh. . ."

"Hello, kame-chan. . .", said Rachel, picking up the snake and rubbing it's head. "Aww, you're so cute. . ."

"A-a s-s, snake?", asked Christina. "You think a snake is cute?"

"It's a gentle snake!", said Rachel happily. She lightly kissed on the head, and resumed petting it.

"Y-Y. . .", said Christina. "YOU KISSED A SNAKE!"

"It was more of a peck. . .", said Rachel. "And it means us no harm. What year is it? The sheep? The rabbit? I'm the year of the snake so. . ."

"BIG DEAL!", yelled Christina. She saw Rachel make a few hissing noises, and point at her, then make a few crazy motions. The snake seemed to laugh in reply.

"ARE YOU TALKING TO SNAKES?! Huh?" She saw a raccoon pop out of her tree. She make a few noises and head jerks, and the raccoon looked back at Rachel, then popped back behind the tree.

"Are you talking to raccoons?", asked Rachel. "Yeah, that makes us SO different. . ."

"Raccoons were the ones who first found me. . .", said Christina. "And so I easily picked up their language as well as yours. . ."

"Hmph. So, you speak raccoon as a first language.", said Rachel. "Yeah. And you think I'M weird. . . Are you gonna come down here?"

"Uh. . ." Christina was looking very nervous. "Um. . ."

"Come on! Kame-chan is waiting!"

"YOU NAMED THE DAMN SNAKE?!"

"Ah. I see when you picked up this language, you picked up the profanities as well." Christina made a few more hisses, clicks, and head jerks. "What?"

"I also cussed you out in raccoon."

"HEY! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE NICE!" Christina slid down the tree, and walked right past Rachel.

"Nobody really is." She continued to walk away, when kame-chan the snake slithered by. She stopped in her tracks. "Eeeee. . ."

"Oh, so you're afraid of snakes?", asked Rachel. "I like them."

"G-get it away. . .", said Christina. The snake coiled up on her leg, and had a little affinity with being around her.

"Aww, kame-chan likes you!", said Rachel.

"A bit too much. . .", said Christina.

"Naw, not like that. . .", said Rachel. "But, uh, he's squeezing too hard. . ." Christina's leg was going numb. "Strong for a garter snake, isn't he?"

"Get him. . .off. . .", said Christina. "Ow. . ."

Rachel and Christina were taking a bath in one of the warmer parts of the pond, that was much like a hot spring heated by geothermal energy, created by the MAKO in Mt. Nibel. All the while, Christina was glaring back at Rachel on her side. And for you more perverted ingrates, they ARE wearing towels. Just to say. . .

"What are you looking at?" Rachel felt very uncomfortable whenever somebody stared, much less while she's trying to take a bath. "It's creepy. . ."

"Then get out.", said Christina.

"But that's what you WANT."

"So, make us both happy, and you leave. Simple as that. Uh. . ." Kame-chan was looking at her from across Rachel's side. "Please make him go. . ."

"Why? He's no problem. Uh. . ." Rachel saw a spider on Christina's side. "I'm not going. . ."

"Why?" Christina noticed the spider on her shoulder. "AWWW! A SPIDER!"

"YOU LIKE SPIDERS?!", yelled Rachel. "SPIDERS?! AND I'M WEIRD?! "

"Spideys are so tiny and cute. . ."

"YEAH, WELL, HERE GOES!" Rachel, having a natural phobia for spiders, she swam over, and dunk Christina's head in the water, drowning the arachnid. "TAKE THAT, YA' DAMN SPIDER!" Christina's head surfaced, gasping for air, and she sputtered out a few words.

"You. . .YOU. . ."

"Yes, me."

"YOU IDIOT! YOU DON'T SEE ME DROWNING YOUR SNAKE!", she shouted. "GIMME IT!" She grabbed the snake, and dunked it underwater.

"NOOOOO!" She took Christina's wrist, and surfaced it, the snake unconscious. "SNAKE MURDERER!"

"SPIDER KILLER!"

"IT'S A DAMN SPIDER!"

"IT'S A DAMN SNAKE! GRRRRRRRRR. . ." They were hand-to-hand, trying to push each other back. "I HATE YOU. . ."

"WELL, ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?!"

"WELL, YOU'RE TOO STUPID!"

"AND YOU'RE TOO SMART!"

"YOU'RE NOT ATHLETIC!"

"YOU'RE NOT ARTISTIC!"

"YOU'RE ANNOYING!"  
"YOU'RE A CLONE!" It happened to have ended there, when Christina let go, and she swam off to her side. "Er, did I say something wrong?"

"GRAAAAAAH!" With tears in her eyes, Christina picked up a stone, and hurled it at Rachel's face, making a direct hit.

"OW! DAMMIT!", yelled Rachel, rubbing her face. "YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT!"

"You didn't have to call me a clone. . .", she said. "I'M GOING!" She got herself out of the hot spring, and walked off.

"I hope she knows her clothes are off in the other direction. . .", said Rachel.

"AUGH!"

"Stay on your side.", said Christina, drawing a line between them in a cave. "I can't believe you forgot the tent. No wait, I can't believe I relied on you to bring the tent."

"Shut up. . .", said Rachel. "I try to be friendly, and this is all it gets me. One bitchy roommate."

"Oh, I've had enough of your crap, too.", said Christina. "Everybody else, fine. You, YOU WILL BURN IN HELL!"

"AND YOU SHALL COME WITH ME!"

"NOT IF I CAN STAND IT! WAAAAAAUUUUUUUGH!" Bats cam flying out of the cave, right above their heads. "Well, THAT explains why it smelled funny in here to begin with."

"I thought it was YOU."

"SHUT UP! Let's just get some sleep, and say we're on even terms. Got it?"

"If it could sabotage you, I have nothing to lose."

"How about me staying around."

"That would be more like gaining something unpleasant."

"SHUT UP!"

Cold winter's night was passing by slowly, spreading throughout its icy fingers wherever it could stretch them. A draft moved itself across the cave floor, and Rachel, woke up from her snores, and hugged to blanket on herself tighter. Wait. A blanket? This was new.

"Huh? Sweet. . .", she said, looking on herself, and finding a blanket. "I know!", she said in a dreamlike state. "Cloudy must have found me, and given me this blanket. . . How sweet. . ." She sat up, to pull the blanket tighter yet, and saw something completely. . .different. It looked as if her bunkmate was sleeping by the front entrance of the cave, face up. "I'm not THAT repulsive. . .", said Rachel. "It's not as if I get gassy or anything. . ." She stepped to the entrance, and indeed, Christina was fast asleep, and well, shivering her ass off. "Damn. She says she's smarter, when it's warmer INSIDE the cave. Hmph." She began to walk away, when she threw the blanket on her. "Damn pity. . ."

"GAHK!" Christina was smothered by the blanket. "WHAT THE-?! Fine, if you don't want my blanket, that's great with me."

"Your blanket? Cloudy gave it to me."

"Cloudy? You like my DAD?! EEW!"

"He's not really your dad. Just technically.", said Rachel.

"I had this blanket, and you were freezing, so I gave the stupid thing to you.", said Christina. "But seeing as you don't want it-

"MINE!" Rachel snatched the blanket, and wrapped it around herself again. "Sentimental sucker."

"And then why did you give it to me then, huh?", she asked, with an evil smile.

"You've picked off too much from Laura and Tifa, I swear. . .", sighed Rachel. "Tifa dislikes me, and you're getting to have a bit of Laura's habits. Like the smiling. . ."

"What's wrong with smiling? Is it against your code of idiocy?", asked Christina.

"YOU'RE the one sleeping out here.", said Rachel. "Why were you?"

"Unlike a certain insensitive cretin, I like the night sky.", she said. "It's quiet, it's empty, and DERIVED OF YOU!"

"Strange. I like it for the same reasons, but seeing as it's not derived of yourself, it's become the most hideous thing I've ever seen."

"SAME HERE!"

"FINE!"  
"FINE!" They both put their backs to each other, and sat up straight. "Can I have that blanket?"

"NOPE! YOU GAVE IT TO ME!"

"Dammit. . ."

"Hey, I'm wondering. . .", said Rachel. "Are you older than me? Or younger than me? I mean, you've only been here for almost two weeks, but you're at the matured age of fifteen. I have existed for fourteen years, and thus have matured to fourteen. Who's older?"

"Why do you ask?", asked Christina angrily. "Does it really matter?"

"God no, but lighten up! It's like somebody shoved a lobster down your pants. Can we have decent, civil conversation?"

"That's my line."

"Well, you're being too bitchy to do anything about it."

"Fine. First, STOP CALLING ME A BITCH!", yelled Christina. "Next, give me some of that blanket."

"It's yours.", said Rachel, giving it entirely to her. "I'm actually quite comfortable cold anyway."

"Why?"

"If you've ever spent two hours shoveling snow outside without a jacket, you'll never get goose bumps or shiver ever again.", said Rachel. "That was one HELLUVA winter. . ."

"Idiot. Going outside without some decent clothes. . ."

"The way you stated it, it sounds like I went out naked."

"If you did go out naked, you'd be too stupid to realize you are.", she said.

"Civil conversation?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. . .", Christina mumbled. "But tell me. . ."

"What?"

"If Cloud hates you so much, why are you living in Nibelheim anyway?"

"Um. . .pass?"

"NO. . .", said the blue-eyed one. "Tell me."

"Er, you see. . .", began the brown-eyed one. "Um, let's say I didn't come here by any normal means either. . ." Christina gasped.

"YOU'RE A CLONE, TOO?!"

"NOOOOOOOO!", said Rachel. "It's a long story. Really. So far, if this WERE a story, people would've fallen asleep reading it anyway. It's a bit of a really dull tale. . . It's not even funny. . . At least I don't think it would've been."

"Yeah, with such a dull character in it such as yourself, you'd REALLY drag it down.", said Christina.

"Oh, quiet you. . . You're not particularly scintillating either. Jesus, why are you so sensitive?"

"That happens to be a very-

"Sensitive subject?"

"Yeah. . . It's obvious. Haven't you figured it out yet?"

"Of course. But I mean, why don't you just accept it? So you're clone. So you're artificial. SO YOU CAN GET ON PEOPLES' NERVES! I DO THAT, TOO!"

"You don't see me denying THAT fact. . .", said Christina.

"HEY! But ya' know, acceptance doesn't come easy. I've been here for like, five or six months or something, and I haven't had the easiest time. Tifa's little 'exercise', chores, constant put down, and absolutely no love life whatsoever. Don't you think I should've given up by now? And even when I was about to, I CAME BACK, CONSARNIT! But, maybe in that way, I am stupid. And so you're smart. It's just, the thing is, you'd be too damn stupid to give up. And just to say, being smart is probably your only redeeming quality."

"HEY!"

"At least in my book! What, did you want a compliment on how you look? Sorry, I don't happen to lean that way."

"You can give somebody a compliment and not have it sound homosexual, ya' know."

"And how?"

"Just don't slap their bum at the end. Or pinch it, or anything."

"Why are we discussing this?"

"HELL, I DON'T KNOW! OH MY GOD! I'M BECOMING LIKE YOU! I DON'T KNOW WHY I BROUGHT THIS SUBJECT UP! STUPIDITY IS CONTAGIOUS!"

"So. . .", said Rachel, scooting farther away to lean on the cave wall. "Are we even?"

"Hell no.", said Christina. Rachel gave her a surprised look. "What you said doesn't redeem anything."

"About the-

"NO. NOT THE BUM SLAPPING THING.", said the clone. "I meant, the belonging thing. I'll just take to the path I can take. AND I GOT THAT ONE MYSELF!"

"NOT WITHOUT MY HELP! Nobody EVER gives me credit. . . Just remember, you don't have to fit in, as long as you can accept who and maybe even what you are. If you want people to love you, don't put up a show. Make them love you for what you are, not what you have pretended to be. GOT IT?!"

"Is it just me, or is everybody trying to teach me some sort of lesson?"

"I must admit, you tend to jump to conclusions. NOW GIMME THAT BLANKET!"

"I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE FINE!"

"FOR ONLY A WHILE! I'M GETTING FROSTBITE!"

"FORGET IT!"

"Lousy, stinkin' clone. . .", mumbled Rachel, walking back to where the others were supposed to meet them. Christina wasn't disturbed at all by her comment.

"Back, are you?" Tifa was the first to say anything. "I thought you'd get lost. I mean, Rachel WAS with you. . ."

"Ha, ha. One day you'll just run out of those snide little remarks. . .", said Rachel. "WACHOO! Oh crap, now I'm sick. . ."

"So, are you going to come? Are you finally okay with each other?" Kristi stepped out, with her instruments.

"Yeah.", said Christina. "I think I'm fine. . ." She looked much more pleasant than she did before.

"SEE?! I TOLD YOU YOU'D BE FINE!"

"Aw, you'll be okay. . ." She was talking to a raccoon again. "I'll be back!"

"Shouldn't you be talking in their language?", asked Rachel, sniffling. "I'll miss you, kame-chan. . ." She was waving to the snake. "SUCH A LOYAL PET!"

"Ick. Creepy little bugger if you ask me. . .", said Christina.

"CREEPY?! HE'S CUTE!"

"HE'S DISGUSTING!"

"OH YEAH?! ATTACK!" Rachel sent forth an army of snakes.

"CHARGE!" Raccoons were running put to attack Rachel.

"They've gone over the deep end. . .", said Laura. "Why can't I have an army of animals?"

"I CAN RETROFIT THESE MIND CONTROL DEVICES AND-

"No thanks, nevermind Lucrecia. . .", said Laura. "It's fine. . ."

"Very nice work. . ." In the main office of Rufus Shinra, he stood with a two tall figures, both with long hair. One had silver, one had black, and they both stood to attention. "At this rate, we will have no use for the Turks. . ."

"But sir, that is what I am head of.", said the black haired one.

"Sure it is, Tseng.", said Rufus. "But don't worry. Your position is secured. Those fools, creating you like that. It was just lucky the retrieval team-

"You mean the Turks." Elena walked in, with Reno and Rude.

". . .", agreed Rude.

"Yes, the Turks.", said Rufus, turning to his balcony. "Now, Shinra shall be restored to its former strength, now that we have both the head of the Turks and the formal general back. Oh, and remember. . ." He now faced the one wearing leather and silver. "Palmer should not remember what happened. Catch my drift?"

"Clearly. . . Come, Surka. . ." With uneasiness, his MAKO-eyed guardian came forward.

"Yes? Are you well enough?"

"Why else do you think I am bringing you?"

"Yes.", she said. "To the Midgar City Hospital."

That night, Palmer breathed his last.

* * *

Rachel: It's true. These chapters get worse and worse.

AN3: HEY! I'M TRYING MY BEST, ALL WHILE READING FOR A BOOK REPORT, DOING THE BOOK REPORT, FINISHING A PROJECT ON ROME, STUDYING FOR A BIOLOGY TEST, AND STUDYING FOR EXAMS THAT I HAVE IN A WEEK!

Laura: The last time I checked, you were downloading anime music.

Keo: I agree with my alter self. AREN'T WE JUST THE COOLEST?!

Laura: Although I barely appeared in this episode. . .

Aeris: You appeared more than me. . . Was I even in this one?

Christina: What's this place?

Cloud: She's never been on set before?

AN3: She's always come blindfolded, so the location is kept secret.

Tifa: Why?

AN3: She kept getting on Rachel's nerves.

Snake Army: defeated, unconscious

AN3: My god, I'm so busy. . . I have numerous more ideas for fics that I'd LOVE to employ, but I have no time. . . Right now, I have to go start my next fictionpress story chapter. Making stuff witty can be HARD. . .

Laura: Witty? You writing witty stuff? HAH! IMPOSSIBLE!

AN3: Quiet you. Kristi, just go and break out the booze or something. I'll be in my trailer, having a nervous breakdown.

Kristi: WAY AHEAD OF YOU! WAHOOO!

Everyone: one hour later Pleashhe shtop the floorrrr, we'd like to gerrofff. . . faint


	31. Chapter 24: Competition

Chapter 24: Competition

A/n: I'm hungry. ANYWAY, Squaresoft owns FF7 and LadyTifa26 owns Laura. Reviewers, authors, and authoresses own other characters.

* * *

Laura was sitting outside in the backyard in Cloud's hammock, sitting lazily while staring into the clouds (No pun intended). Her eyes looked blank, as did her expression, but still, it was a bright, sunny day, and the blue in the sky shone like sapphires against a saffron topaz sun. Wow, I'm getting too poetic.

"Laura?"

"WAUGH!" Vincent was standing behind her, obviously a bit concerned.

"Are you okay?"

"Does it matter to you?", she asked, abruptly, and harshly. She was blushing though.

"I wouldn't be out here if it didn't.", he said. "Can I do anything?"

"Yes. LEAVE.", she said. He merely sighed, and acquiesced to her demands. He couldn't do anything more.

"Wow. Laura's been like that a lot lately.", said Rachel, cleaning the dishes with Christina, looking out the window in front of the sink. "AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL HERE?!"

"Hmph!", said Christina. "Easy. K-

"Yes. Yes you are.", said Rachel, cutting her off. She had a mischievous smile, and Christina could only glare back.

"DIE!" THWOCK! Rachel got one right in the face.

"OW!"

"Ah. I see why Tifa loves hitting you.", said Christina. "Best stress reliever I've ever seen."

"I. . .HATE you. . .", mumbled Rachel, putting a bandage on her nose. "While you are here for rather inexplicable reasons-

"Kristi's getting supplies.", said Christina.

"INEXPLICABLE REASONS. . .", continued Rachel. "You should help me find out what's eating Laura."

"Fine.", said Christina. "But just because I want to help her out, not you.

"Good enough with me.", said Rachel. "I'LL CALL HER! L-

"NO!", shouted Christina. "THAT'S NOT THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE IT!"

"Why not?"

"Trust me. If she's not feeling up to her normal self, she won't be very responsive. I KNOW! TO THE LAB. . .cave. . .mom's. . .sciencey. . .THING!", shouted Christina. "AWAY!"

"AHH!"

Laura sighed out a breath. She didn't do much lately, and nobody seemed to bother her for it. They just left her alone, perhaps thinking she could get over it herself. Her eyes lacked luster as they stared into space, looking as if they were straining to see something in the sky. Like some sort of answer. She didn't eat much now, and if she wasn't out here, she was shut in her room. Conversation between her and Rachel were now brief. She drifted.

"Huh?" She noticed a hand move over the side of the hammock. "WHAT?!"

"Aw, she noticed. . .", said somebody. "HI!" They peered over the hammock, with an extremely wide smile, like Kristi's. Except, it looked like she had more sugar. Her hair was long, spiky, and had silver with pink highlights, a black tank top with a heart on it, two belts on her leg, and black boots. "I'M KONOSHI! GOTTA RUN!"

"WAIT!" But Konoshi was already running off. Laura didn't say anything after that. It was if it never happened.

"Hmph. Did you see a silver-haired porcupine run across the road?", asked Rachel, going into the mansion with Christina.

"You're delusional.", said Christina. "Come on, let's go see mom."

"Mom?"

"MY mom."

"Ah."

"YOU BROUGHT A GUINEA PIG?!", shouted Lucrecia, as soon as she noticed her daughter brought somebody with her. "Oh, it's just Rachel. YAY! YOU BROUGHT A GUINEA PIG!"

"NO!", shouted Rachel. "We're here to see you if can help us bring Laura out of her slump."

"Easy. Tell her to sit up straight."

"NO! It's why she's feeling so crappy lately. I don't like seeing her like that.", said Rachel. "If she stays like that, there'll be nobody else for me to go chocobo tipping! AND TO PLAY PRANKS ON 'LITTLE MISS PERFECT' HERE!" Rachel was pointing a shaking finger to Christina.

"SHUT UP!"

"Lessee here. . .", said Lucrecia, rummaging through a pile of metal. "Death ray? No. . . Automatic nose hair plucker? No. . . Electromagnetic bear traps? No. . . Genetically altered doughnuts that help you lose weight? Possibly. . . Bun warmer with a washing machine extension? Nuh, uh. AH! HERE IT IS!" She pulled out what looked like a sieve with antennae on it. "THE MIND TRANSMISSION DEVICE! Oh, no. . . That's just a funny sieve. . . WAIT! IT REALLY IS IT!"

"She's your mom? Good luck.", said Rachel.

"Is that your face? Good luck.", said Christina.

"With this, you can read more thoughts than Miss Cleo!", said Lucrecia. "Meaning that, throwing a dart at a random answer on the wall to everybody's thoughts is less efficient than this! HUZZAH!"

"Proud, are you?", asked Rachel. "Are you sure we should invade her mind? HEY!" Christina and Lucrecia were already running up the stairs to try it. "I WANT TO INVADE MY FRIEND'S THOUGHTS, TOO!"

"Aw, she looks sad.", said Konoshi, watching Laura from afar. "Well, this sure puts my plans on hold. Where is the northern crater again? Oh yeah, north. OH WELL! IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GONNA RESURRECT HIMSELF! HE CAN WAIT FOR A MOMENT! Oh. No, he can't. WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'LL KNOW!" Konoshi climbed out of the tree she was in, and snuck closer. "Huh?" She noticed Rachel, Christina, and Lucrecia, crouched behind a bush, with the helmet thing.

"She's MY friend! I should hear her thoughts!"

"I'm smarter than you, so I should hear!" Christina and Rachel were arguing for possession of the device.

"CALM DOWN!", hissed Lucrecia. "She'll hear us!"

"Damn right, I will." Laura was standing behind them with an angry black death look. "What are you doing?"

"Uh. . . Bird watching?", said Rachel.

"You know what?", asked Laura.

"What?"

"BIRD WATCHING IS MUCH BETTER IN A HIGHER PLACE!" She throttled them all in one punch, and they went flying into the clouds.

"Whoa. . .", said Konoshi after seeing all of that. "I think maybe I should back off. . ."

"You think?" Now Laura appeared behind her.

"AAAAAGH! HAVE MERCY!" She checked around her for something, then picked up this small black ball. "SORRY!" FLLOOSH! A black smoke went up, and she was gone.

"Damn. . .", said Laura. "I was just asking for who she was. . . And is she some sort of freak? I mean, the hair, the disappearing. . . Meh." She shrugged, and sat back down into the hammock.

"Ow. . .", said Rachel, trudging back with the other two. "Damn, that girl's got some arm."

"I'm fine!", said Lucrecia, unscathed.

"Not all of us pack a parachute, mom.", said Christina.

"Where did we land?", asked Rachel.

"Over Mt. Nibel.", said Christina. "A few miles out from Rocket Town."

"Got any idea what's eating Laura?"

"Nope.", said Christina. "We'll have to still try this mind device thing , though."

"Can't. Broke on impact.", said Lucrecia. "BUT WITH MY GENIUS, I CAN REPAIR IT!"

"An antenna broke off. You can glue it back on.", said Christina.

"Aw, and look at my daughter. SHE INHERITED MY GENIUS! OF COURSE YOU CAN GLUE IT BACK ON!"

Back on the Planet, (Yes, the Planet. I've gotten a bit bored now.) Gast was building this machine that does who the hell knows what, while Ifalna sat happily humming, filing her nails. The Planet was warm, sunny, and had much forest, as well as towns that were built by all who arrived there. The good people lived in these towns, while the bad. . . well, didn't. They existed on a negaverse side of the Planet, doing whatever, in the deserts. The Planet was very advanced, philosophically and technologically, and yep, pretty damn prosperous. But anyway, back to Gast's invention.

"IT IS COMPLETED!", he shouted. "BEHOLD! THE. . .THE. . .Hmm, I haven't named it yet."

"Why are you giving it a name, dear?", asked Ifalna.

"BECAUSE I LOVE IT TOO MUCH! IT IS LIKE MY CHILD!"

"We already HAVE a child, dear.", said Ifalna, exasperated.

"Yes. . .BUT SHE AIN'T HERE, NOW IS SHE?!"

"Do you honestly want her dead?"

"No. . ."

"I KNOW WHO I'D LIKE DEAD. . .", grumbled Zack, off in a corner of the stone room they were in. Ifalna was next to a window, and Gast was beside a work desk.

"Cloud?"

"No, he won fairly. . .", said Zack. "THAT GUY!" He was pointing down, because technically this place was heaven, and if you went far enough, indeed, you would be standing on a cloud. "No wait. He's dead."

"Who?"

"Heideggar."

"Good riddance. . .", said Gast. "Wait. . .If he's dead, doesn't that means he comes here?"

"Aw, crap."

"Um, what does that thing do?" Ifalna was talking about the invention.

"Heideggar? Nothing."

"No, your invention."

"OH! I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO ASK THAT!"

"Why did you marry him?", asked Zack in a whisper.

"Shut up.", whispered Ifalna.

"As you know, we only have a limited view to the living realm. . .", said Gast. "But this thing gives us clarity! This baby allows us to see whomever we want, where we want, and when we want! And I'll bet this thing can let us see much more, too. . . ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING TO WHERE WE TRY THIS OUT?!" He and Zack jumped up together, both very excited.

"THE PLAYBOY MANSION!"

"SILICON VALLEY!" They both looked at each other. "The Playboy Mansion?", asked Gast.

"Silicon Valley?", asked Zack.

"COMPUTER CHIPS!"  
"NAKED GIRLS!" Throughout their argument, Ifalna was growing very annoyed.

"SILICON!"

"SILICONE!"

"QUIET!", shouted Ifalna.

"Quiet? Where's that? Kansas?", asked Zack.

"Wrong world, dummy.", said Ifalna. "That's the third world living plane where Rachel and Laura are from, not the fourth one, where Cloud and the others are."

"What about the fifth?", asked Zack.

"That's THIS one."

"Oh."

"I say, we check up on everybody.", said Ifalna. "That way, I know Aeris is doing fine."

"AND I CAN SEE WHAT MY ASSISTANT HAS INVENTED!", said Gast.

"TIFA BETTER BE TAKING A SHOWER!", shouted Zack. They both turned and looked at him. "Er. . .sorry."

Laura was still in the hammock, on the verge of sleep. It was getting late in the afternoon by then, and she was very drowsy.

"Excellent. . .", said Gast. "The sleepier she is, the easier this will be. . ." He whipped out a screen, and slide projections were displayed on them. "AHEM!", he coughed. "YOU SEE, OUR DIMENSIONS ARE CLOSE, BUT NOT YET THE SAME! THERE IS A BARRIER BETWEEN US, ISSUING US LIMITED VISION, LIKE A FENCE IF YOU WILL! NOW, AS THE CONSCIOUSNESS APPROACHES SLEEP, THINK OF THAT DREAMLIKE STATE AS A CLOSER GATE TO OUR DIMENSION! SO, WE SLIP IN THROUGH THE GATE IN THE FENCE, TO PEER AT THE OTHER SIDE!"

"Will this hurt?", asked Zack.

"Nope!"

"I'M IN!", he said. "Anybody taking a shower will be fine. . . OUCH!"

"FOCUS!", said Ifalna.

"I can't say anything about you. . .", said Zack. "The whistling?" Ifalna was whistling again at his insinuation. "Nevermind. . ."

"OKAY! POWER. . .ON!" Gast pressed a large red button on his behemoth machine, that was moved outside to the edge, where the clouds were. "I love that button. . . Now, all we have here is. . .Laura?"

"Meh, she'll do. . .", said Zack. "Is it an outdoor bath?"

"SHUT UP!", yelled Ifalna.

"No. . .she's in a hammock. . .", said Gast. "If we gain clarity. . ." He moved his hand to a dial near the lens, and then one where speakers were. What seemed to be Laura's voice was projected.

"Ow, sitting here all day has made my butt hurt. . .", said Laura's thoughts. "Damn but I can't help thinking about that useless pile of scum. . ."

"Wow. Her butt, then scum. Somehow, I think this is more of a weather report of her bowels.", said Zack.

"SHHHH!", said Gast. "That's not all. . ."

"So. . . Where did Rachel go? I feel better now. . . I guess sitting out here did me some good. Who?" She saw Lucrecia trudging over, then she bowed.

"Sorry, for trying to invade your thoughts. . .", said Lucrecia.

"BRILLIANCE! SHEER BRILLIANCE!", said Gast. "SHE WAS THINKING PRECISELY WHAT I WAS THINKING!"

"You're married to me, remember?", asked Ifalna. "You know? Ifalna, your WIFE?!"

"Uh huh, sure. . .", said Gast, undisturbed.

"OOH! MOVE THIS KNOB!", said Zack. They zoomed in on Laura and Lucrecia's. . .boobs. "PRETTY!"

"STOPPIT!", shouted Ifalna. "NOT ALL THE PEOPLE HERE HAVE A HAPPY IN THEIR PANTS!"

"No, but it's 2 to 1, and we outnumber you.", said Zack. SMACK! Ifalna hit them over the head with a piko mallet.

"How about now?"

"You win. . ."

"Oh great. . .Lucrecia. . ." Laura's thoughts were still amplified. "And in how many ways are you Captain Dark's perfect girl. . .?"

"Captain Dark?", asked Zack.

"Vincent. . .", said Ifalna.

"I hope his black leiderhosen rides up on his God forsaken ass. . ."

"I hope you can forgive me. . .", said Lucrecia.

"It's okay. . .", said Laura.

"It's not. . .", thought Laura.

"It's no problem, really.", she said.

"You're the problem. . .", she thought.

"Say 'hi' to Vincent for me, please."

"Tell him to drop dead, please."

"No problem!", said Lucrecia, giving a genuine smile.

"Damn. . .", thought Laura. "No wonder he likes her. . ."

"Thank you for your time.", said Lucrecia. She walked off.

"Hoo. . .", thought Laura. "I guess I really have no chance with him, seeing as how I can't rival THAT. . ."

"Aww. . .", said Zack. "ABSOLUTELY NO ACTION!"

"DON'T YOU GET THE POINT?!", shouted Lucrecia. "SHE FEELS PUT DOWN!"

"I could've told you that. . .", said Zack. "What month is it?"

"Uh, it's January. . .", said Ifalna. "The 23rd."

"GOODY. . .", said Zack, with another evil grin.

"OH NO! NOT AFTER CHRISTMAS!"

"Come on! Just look at me! I'd look good in a cloth!", said Zack.

"That's meant for chubby naked babies to parade in, holding arrows.", said Ifalna. "Not full grown men."

"Unless YOU want to take your turn. . ."

"I'LL DO IT!", said Gast.

"Me thinks you like parading around in almost nothing.", said Zack. "That's creepy, dude. Although I must admit, Ifalna looked pretty hot dressed like that."

"ARE YOU HITTING ON MY WIFE?!"

"ARE YOU HITTING ON MY DAUGHTER'S MOTHER?! NAMELY ME?!", shouted Ifalna. "Why, thank you. . ."

"Anyway, I'll do it. . .", said Zack. "It beats hanging around here."

"You like acting as an angel, don't you?", asked Gast.

"What can I say? I GOT THE FACE OF ONE! AND, a body to match. . ."

"Please, clothes ON. . .", said Ifalna.

"Suuuuure. . .", said Zack. "But ONLY until I get to act my part. . . THEN, I AM CUPID!"

"You must be the creepiest cupid there ever was then. . .", said Ifalna.

* * *

AN3: Wow. Useless dialogue, weird situations that make no sense, and no action. You know I'm having exams.

Tifa: ::sighs:: Yep. . .

AN3: Hmph. I had a bunch of updates, but I can't remember them all. . . Oh, let me try this. . . Well, most character sketches are complete, with only a few remaining, the web comic is SOOOOOO SLOW! My website isn't doing much better, I think I'm doing fine on my exams, Nibelheim is the real name for "the land of the dead" in what I believe is Norse mythology, and the sky is blue.

Cloud: Not at sunset or rise.

AN3: SHUT UP! I have new characters. . . Some are old because I neglected to introduce them because I've been losing these and had to virtually staple them to me. HERE WE GO! I HOPE I GET EVERYBODY! KEILY, ETERNAL, SKY, HACKER, MIA, AND. . .some name I can't pronounce right. Kirokaki?

Nyow: That works.

AN3: WHAT?!

Tifa: I said that works.

AN3: HUH?!

Kirokaki: What?

AN3: YOU HAVE TOO MANY NAMES! AND WHY DO THEY NICKNAME YOU TIFA?!

Nyow: I said not to ask.

AN3: Yeah, well, here on the set, we'll just call you Nyow. Or Kirokaki. Damn, is Nyow you, or is Kirokaki the character? Okay, since we have alter selves here, the character is Kirokaki, and the real person is Nyow.

Laura: Who names their child, "Nyow"?

Nyow: "Nyowpotopop", really.

AN3: AGH!

Rachel: And what about these other people? Keily glomping Rufus Eternal hitting on Sephiroth Hacker and Sky talking to Yuffie taking some materia Mia, standing a bit indifferently

AN3: Meh. I don't know. We've got an ASS LOAD of resume people now. . . Like. . .25 or something. Keily huggling black chocobo, named Sleiphnir Sleiphnir? I thought it was Sleipnir.

Rachel: blinkity blink blink HUH?!

AN3: More Norse mythology. Sleiphnir is the eight-legged horse of Odin.

Tifa: You're smarter than you look. . . But still, that's pretty dumb.

AN3: Thank you, I think. . . Hmph. Yep, as it seems, my new fic sucks. I'm seriously considering taking off the web.

Tifa: Pity, upon your wretched soul. . . keeps preoccupied

AN3: Yeah, you seem like you're preoccupied all the time. Well, as if I care! I HAVE EXAMS! Oh, but the funny thing is, NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO SPELL! In the resume, I clearly spell "character", and people spell it SO weirdly. . . Like, "Caracter, charectar, cheracter, charecter, and of course, charechter. Damn, I'm such a grammar freak. . . WELL, I'M SURE I FLUNKED ENGLISH! throws notes everywhere I'LL SEE YA' IF I PASS! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Laura: Sugar high. . .sighs Anyway, the next episode is more of my own episode, sorta, and I do believe this is an awkward one with me and Vincent. . . Gravy, more public humiliation. Later. . .


	32. Alternate Earth Special: Into the Guardi...

Chapter Special: Into the Guardian

A/N: Ugh. Okay, there is some perspective switching during this epsiode, so PLEASE try not to get confused. It switches from the normal first-person to third-person POVs, so, keep up. Squaresoft owns FF7, LadyTifa26 owns Laura, and reviewers own all the rest.

* * *

Hi. This is me. Who is "me", you ask? I am his. . .

Surka was sitting in an alleyway, dark, and gloomy, as Sephiroth rested in the corner. A very pensive, yet angry look was on his face, even as he slept. She was forced to be guard. Or more like, it was fate. . . She turned around to look at his back, as he slept on the cold stone ground, and on her face, covered with some dirt, smiled, and then resumed looking angry about something. But she returned to her post.

His guard. That's right. I'm his guard. It's useless to ask why. It's rather hard to say. . .

Her mind flashed to a month ago. Feet moved across a floor, carpeted by miscellaneous items. The feet plopped down, on an unmade bed, and she sighed. Surka, was obviously, VERY depressed.

"AND DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO SNEAK OUT!", called her mom. She moved her hand away from the window above her she was trying to open, and she scowled.

"Wench. . .", she mumbled. Angry, she buried her face into her pillow, muttered a few more curses, and fell fast asleep. Her hand fell on a print out of something on the ground.

"Sara? SARA?!" Surka, or rather, Sara, was gone.

"Huh. . .?" She awoke, cold, and looked at herself. When did she get so many piercings? She had about four in her ear, three were studs, and the center one was a gold ring. And her clothes? AND A TATTOO?!

Finally, her mom would flip. But as if that was hard.

"What in hell. . .?" She was at the northern crater. She quickly stood up, and saw something. Boy, it was cold. It was covered with frost. She put a gloved hand on this glowing blue thing, and found she couldn't remove her hand. Damn. WAS IT FROZEN ON?!

Thank God it wasn't her tongue.

"Jesus. . . HOLY SHIT!" She found him. The man in crystal. "What freaky dream am I having? What have I been smoking? Oh. . .that. . . Wait no. That's not it." Glowing an awkward color, the chamber she was in began to shake. Roots on the ceiling moved back and forth uneasily, and the ground was shifting right under her. She tried to run, but her hand. . . It was still stuck. Well, that sure as hell isn't good. The rock cracked, and her hand was released. She scrambled to the back, but it was shut. No way in, no way out.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" An ungodly cry echoed throughout the cave.

"AAAHHHH! MOMMY!", yelled Sara. "OH SHIT! THE ONE TIME I KNOW YOU'D SCARE THIS THING OFF, IS THE TIME I'M GONNA DIE!" The light faded. The cry died to silence. A man was unconscious, and fell to his knees. "Hmph. An unconscious, naked man. In crystal. Did God answer my prayer?"

"Urgh. . ." The man had but one possession. The sword, held in his hand. "Who are you. . .?" His eyes had opened, and saw the blurry image of Sara, sitting on the ground.

"Uh. . .S-s. . ." She couldn't get over this.

"Thou hath released me. . .", he said. "What are you, that could break my bonds, and yet I could not?"

"Uh. . ."

"I thought. . .only a Cetra could release me. . ."

"UH. . .Dude?"

"Address me as. . . AWK!" He didn't have enough strength to get up. "The formal general."

"DUDE?!" She was WAY freaked out by now. "You might want pants. . ." She held her hand out to him, and took hold of his wrist. His body glowed with an unnatural green, that enveloped his body. "OKAY! I GET THE POINT! I'LL NEVER TOUCH ANYTHING AS LONG AS I LIVE!"

"Huh. . ." He was in his normal garb. "That was the work of the Lifestream . . . You. . ." He picked up the sword, and she was already against the wall. She began searching for an exit. None. "You can manipulate the Lifestream?"

"Look dude, I just got here.", she said. "AND WHAT THE HELL PLACE IS THIS?!"

"Welcome, to my private hell.", he said. "The northern crater."

"Damn, that sure sounds familiar. . .", she said. "Wait. . . Hot man in crystal, Lifestream, northern crater, Cetra. . . Is this Australia?"

"This world is called-

"THIS IS FF7!", she realized. "WOW! COOL! And I just happen to wake up to the baddie of them all. . . SEPHIROTH!"

"You have heard of me.", he said. "Did you live in a village I burned? Of so, drop dead. Or shall I assist you?" He picked up his sword, but he was still very weak.

"Take it easy. . .", she said. She was about to touch him again.

"GET AWAY!", he yelled. "I don't need any help. . ."

"In case you haven't noticed, you can barely stand. . .", she said. She took his arm, and helped him stand. She was amazed at the warmth of his body. "Damn dude, for a guy stuck in a rock, you're pretty warm."

"Shut up. . .", he said. "We must find a way out. Use your sword."

"Sword?"

"DON'T BE DAFT, WOMAN!", he shouted. The place shook again. "The one on your back." She reached back, and she grasped at something cold. As she pulled it, the icy ring of metal echoed throughout, and she saw her long sword, made of steel and gold, with a blue jewel in it. Sweetness.

"OOH! COOL!", she said. "So. . ." She took the sword, and nudged it a bit at the wall.

"Idiot. You won't get anywhere-AAAHHHHH!" She shoved it in farther, and the wall cracked, then fell.

"WOW!", she said. "NICE SWORD!"

"Wow, how long has it been. . .?", she asked, breaking out of her memory.

He named me Surka. In the Cetra tongue, it is meant to mean, "Guardian". I didn't like the name "Sara", anyway. He's always been stubborn, and all he's ever given me was a name. And somehow, I think that's enough. I've never seen him smile, except when it's at death, and because he is still weak, I must fight for him. I have to find the food, and the shelter, and he yells at me sometimes. I haven't had a bath in a week. I'm thirsty, I'm hungry, I'm cold, I'm. . .content. I. . . could learn to like this guy.

Or maybe, I already have.

"SURKA!", he shouted, waking up. "WHAT TIME IS IT?!"

"It's 4 AM.", she said. "What is the problem?"

He has this problem. Every night, he wakes up, because of one thing or another. It's this dream. I don't know what it is. He won't tell me. Or maybe his pride won't let him. It started about a week after I met him. He thinks I'm a Cetra or something. I'm no Cetra. I'm just lucky.

"We will start again.", said Sephiroth. "We have already killed Palmer. Heideggar is next."

"Gladly.", said Surka, standing up.

"SIT BACK DOWN!", he yelled. She quickly dropped to the ground again. "We aren't done resting."

"I. . .I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"You OBVIOUSLY didn't.", he said. "Keep watch."

He fell back to sleep. Stubborn. He's got the head of an ass, I swear it. He's been like this, always. He'll always be like this, too. When will the traveling be over? AND WHEN AM I GONNA GET SOME FRIGGIN' SLEEP?!

"And get some sleep, while you're at it.", he said. "You don't deserve it, but you'll be even MORE useless without it. If possible."

Don't get the wrong idea. He's really a sweet guy. If you got rid of the ego, the pride, the anger, and the insults, he'd be the perfect guy. That, and if he'd share the damn blanket. . . It's so cold. . .

"And here's the blanket." He threw her a blanket, catching her by surprise.

See? He's really sweet.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!"

He had already fallen asleep after his statement. Figures. I might as well get a good night's sleep, if only for an hour. Good night. . .

"Damn girl. . .", Sephiroth mumbled. "Useless, wretched. . .she'd be completely useless if she weren't a Cetra. . ."

Morning. It couldn'tve been brighter, even for such an early hour. He of course woke me up, yelling. Not out of the ordinary. I don't mind. I was always treated like this, even from my parents. They didn't give a damn. Nobody did. At least this way, I'm free. Freer than I used to be, at least.

"So, I suppose you are ready?", asked Sephiroth.

"Of course.", said Surka. She wiped off a bit of dirt off of her face with her white sleeve. Sephiroth scowled.

"Well then, we don't want to make any bad. . .impressions. . .", he said. "Go. Wash up."

"What about you? And where the hell am I going to wash up?!"

"Over there." He pointed to an empty beach cabana, above a bar of singing drunks. Apparently they were in Costa Del Sol. "It's very much empty. They don't come in winter."

See? SEE?! Okay, so he still seems like a jerk. At least he's cute, right?

"Argh. . .", grumbled Sephiroth, sitting on the couch, listening to the sounds of Surka taking a bath. She was obviously singing in the shower, something by some rock band, and screwing up on the lyrics. Something about ramen soup? His eyes shifted to examine the room, and keep entertained. The TV held no amusement for him; watching tiny dots of light refused to captivate him. He tired of books after reading an entire library, and there seemed to be no point. He hated discussion. He looked at the ground near the TV, and found something. He had a sadistic grin.

"Ahhh. . ." Surka finally emerged from her shower. She walked out in a towel, as her clothes were being washed, and she was drying her hair, when she saw him on the couch.

"AHAHAAAAAA! DIE CLOUD!" Hoo boy. He got a hold of Rachel's FF7 disc. On the PS2. . .

"Sephiroth, what are you doing?" He turned around, and saw her glaring at him. In a fuzzy bath towel. Hmph.

"EHEH!", he said, dropping the controller.

"Are you trying to RUN HIM OFF A CLIFF?! Dude, you can't do that."

"The REAL Cloud cannot deny gravity."

"That's not the real Cloud.", she said, sitting down.

"Are you really going to lounge about in a TOWEL?!"

"Why not?"

"It's obscene. . .", he grumbled.

"Well, my clothes are in the wash. Deal with it."

"Uh. . .", he was growing red as he stared.

"What are you looking at?", she asked, becoming nervous under his gaze.

"NOTHING!", he said, moving his scarlet face away.

Well, it seems he never dealed with girls before. I wonder why he tolerated me for so long then. If he wished to kill me, he would've done it sooner. Like right then and there, when he asked for my name. . .I wonder. . .

I wonder if he knows what day it is.

"When the hell are you going to be ready, woman?", he asked, irritated. He lost for the third time in Tekken 4. And in Soul Caliber 2.

"When I beat you for the fifth time.", said Surka.

"This is boring."

"Because you're losing!"

"I AM NOT!"

"THEN WHY DOES IT SAY 'DEFEATED', WHENEVER I KICK YOUR SORRY ASS?!"

"YOU DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME!"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU, MY PARENTS?!"

I stormed to the room. The nerve of that guy. I protect him, and he has the right to counsel my judgment? I mean, I normally listen to him, but that's because I'm his guardian. It's my job to look out for him. If I don't. . .

"I see. . ." Rufus Shinra was looking off to the window again. "You guard him, then? Make sure it stays that way. He is too valuable to lose, and I won't make the same damn mistakes as my father. Guard him, or you will be, in a cell."

I shudder at the thought. I won't be crammed in a cell. It's not my style, let's just say. When are my clothes going to be ready? I DO like staying in this towel, and it's much more fun to watch him turn red from looking at me, not from anger after me, beating the crap out of him in a videogame. And why is this cabana so familiar?

"Here are your damn clothes." He opened the door and threw them at me. I caught them, surprised. Didn't he know how to hand things to people? "Use them." After he shut the door, I sorted through this stuff. Yeah, everything, down to my Iron Bangle was there. I was brushing my black hair until he walked in again. "Hurry.", he uttered, angrily again, with a certain blackness to it. What's his problem? Does he have a chocobo shoved up his a-

"DAMMIT WOMAN, HURRY UP!", he shouted from outside the door.

Yeah, I figured he did.

"Tell me, when are you-

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

"HOLY SHIT!"

"GET OUT! OUT!"

Whoops. I guess we hide no secrets now. . . Not at least for me. . .

"PERVERT!" Surka stomped out of her room, red of either embarrassment, or anger. Sephiroth was curled up on the couch, stunned, muttering gibberish under his breath. "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, HUH?!" He was still muttering. "ACKNOWLEDGE ME, DAMMIT!" He gave he a small amount of attention, and spoke.

"The last time I did, and I saw a naked girl."

"SHUT THE HELL UP!", yelled Surka. "HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF KNOCKING?!"

"Haven't you heard of a door lock?"

"THE LOCK IS BROKEN!"

"Then put up a sign. . .", he said. He curled up in his leather cloak again. "Excuse me while I curl up and die now. . ."

"OH COME ON!", she yelled. "IT WASN'T THAT BAD, WAS IT?!"

"On quite the contrary, it was rather nice, you have a cute butt and-

"YOU PERVERT!", she yelled again. "IT WAS NOT NICE!"

"What, do you want me to call an angry girl, ugly? I don't have a death wish.", he said.

"OOH. . ." She was seething. "IF I ONLY HAD MY SWORD. . ."

That bastard! That friggin' bastard! What the hell was his deal? Couldn't he knock?! HAS HE EVER HEARD OF COMMON DECENCY?! And it was even my. . .

"Look. . ." After Surka had shut herself in her room again, he came knocking.

"Now you learn how to knock?", she asked, from inside the room.

"Let me in."

"There's nothing stopping you."

"There wouldn't be anything to stop me, even if there was a working lock." He opened the door, not looking apologetic in the least. "I'm sorry."

"Are you really?", she asked. "Sephiroth never says he's sorry."

"Okay, so what?" I guess he really didn't mean it then. "What will get your ass out of here, so we can kill that fat donkey?", he asked.

"I want you, to give me more respect."

"You already get more respect than you deserve, because you're a girl."

"SO IT'S MY GENDER THEN?!", Surka was shouting. "THIS CREDIT AND RESPECT IS FOR MY GENDER?! THEN WHAT DO YOU TREAT GUYS LIKE, IF I'M ALREADY LIKE SOMETHING YOU SCRAPE OFF YOUR SHOE?!"

Guys are totally weird. They'll treat girls like crap, and then say they like them. When it's like that, they're just BS-ing. They just don't want to get beaten up by a girl. At least, that's what I think.

"You're not something I scraped off my shoe.", he said.

"Too big then, huh?", she asked.

"No.", he said, softly, yet sternly. "I am thankful, that you had-

"Sephiroth isn't thankful either."

"I AM THANKFUL. . .", he continued, despite her contradictions. "that you had saved me. I wouldn't have survived otherwise. Now, can we leave?"

He didn't realize a single thing. He didn't care, I suppose. I can't blame him. He hated me. He still hates me. He will always hate me. And although I hate him now too, I know I will love him again. He is still, really sweet. He is still, my Sephiroth.

We leave.

"Are you done crying now?" It was dark. I had left, and he had told me where Heideggar was. He was here, in Costa Del Sol, undoubtedly on the tab of Shinra. It was my job, that this would never happen. Not ever again.

"Hey Heideggar, remember me?", asked Sephiroth, stepping out of the blackness.

"You. . .you don't exist! I'm seeing things! YES! YES, THAT IS IT!" He was obviously blabbering again. I took a step forward. We were really a good team, though. He, the master, and I, the protégé. But of course, in that relationship, there is no relationship. Just business.

"Shall we end these delusions for you, Heideggar?", I asked. Drawing my sword, he was drawing deep breath. The only type of way you breathe when you see death in its face. I was that cause. I was that death.

And he just happened to meet it.

"Nice.", said Sephiroth, as the cops were coming. We knew. They always come, and we always leave, fifteen minutes before they arrive. We just stick around somewhere else to watch. "I thought I would be the one to do it, as usual, though."

"You are not well, still.", I said. "I am your guardian, nothing more, so I shall fulfill that task, until you need me no more. But I want to ask you. . . What will happen when I am of no use anymore?" He didn't seem to have an answer, or an expression to return. He merely stayed indifferent. "Will you discard me?"

"You. . .have uses.", he said. "Even when you cannot be of your guardian purpose, I will find a way. That is, if that is what you wish."

Of course I wished that. I had nowhere to go, anyway. I jumped out of the window, onto another house, and he followed me. I wish I could lead him like this forever. But what the hell was I thinking? Nothing lasts. And I'll be damned when anything does.

"I do wish that. Do you remember. . .?"

"What?"

"Never mind.", I said. "It's not pertinent to the task at hand."

"Do me a favor.", he said. "Speak like you normally do."

"THANK GOD!", I shouted. "I WAS GETTING SICK OF FORMALITIES! Although, it does make me sound threatening." He smiled.

That was it. Today was complete.

"Better.", he said. "It suits you more."

Back at the cabana. I liked it here more than on the street. Of course, who wouldn't? I was sitting in front of the door actually, as he sat inside. I was the guard, and he is what I protected.

In short, sitting out here sucked ass.

"Hmph. What's with you?" He opened the door, and gave me a solemn look.

"That's what I was about to ask.", I said. "Tell me, what is today?"

"Today. . . is Friday.", he said. "Why? Do you need a calendar?"

"Forget it. . .", I sighed. He wouldn't get the point, and he'd never get the point. But that was sort of cute.

"Get some rest, in few hours. Make sure no cop comes asking questions.", he said. he turned a cold shoulder toward me, and before he closed the door, I heard him say, one last thing, that finally made this day good. "Happy birthday."

Meh. Good enough for me.

* * *

Surka: . . . WHAT THE HELL?!

AN3: Sorry. . .I took a more serious approach.

Sephiroth: See that it never happens again ::puts masamune to throat::

AN3: GOTCHA! ::sweats::

Rachel: Hmm. . . Why was this written a lot like your original fic? Except in first person perspective?

AN3: I dunno, I was probably desperate.

Tifa: This is you desperate? Well, I guess that figures. . .

AN3: HEY! I WROTE THIS IN 2 HOURS!

Surka: opens a six-pack That figures, too. BEER IS ON THE HOUSE!

Everyone: YAAAAAAAAAY!

AN3: SEE YA' NEXT TIME ON ALTERNATE EARTH! HIC JA NE!


	33. Chapter 25: The Birthday Time Forgot

Chapter 25: The Birthday Time Forgot

A/N: FF7 characters are owned by Squaresoft and LadyTifa26 owns Laura! If you own a character that you sent in, you know the hell who own them and I won't name them because I don't feel like naming like, twenty or so people! This is Aeris' birthday episode, just to say, soooo....eeeyeaaaah....Go on.

* * *

"OH MY FRIGGIN' GOD!" Aeris was enthusiastically writing in a book at the desk in the room she split with Rachel. "IT'S HERE! ANY MINUTE NOW! I'm extremely nervous, and. . .AND. . . GAH! You don't know what I'm writing about, do you?" Yeah, as you should know, this is her diary. YEP. ANOTHER one. But hey, it's probably better. In fact, PRAY it's better. "But it's my 23rd birthday (YAY!), and er, as you should know. . . I'M STILL A VIRGIN! OH MY GAAAWD! WHERE HAVE I BEEN?! Well, other than somebody else's bed. . . But, what brought this up is. . . Well, I'll start at the beginning of today. . ."

"Cloud, what is this place?" I was sitting in a bathing suit with a cloth tied to my waist and a tropical flower of some sort, and he was helping me stand while he was dressed in a tux. Very weird.

"Aeris. . .", he said. "Isn't this your dream?"

"Sure feels like it. . .", I mumbled. I looked up at a building sitting on a cliff. It was a clear evening on the shore, and there was. . .a puffin. Yeah, I don't know what I've been smoking (because I don't think I've ever smoked anything. . .), but this was weird. Too weird. But ANYWAY. . .He smiled down on with his radiant blue eyes glowing as it got darker. I love MAKO eyes. That should be like, something you get in plastic surgery because it's so COOL! I stood up, and he guided me with his arm to the building. Before I knew it, we were overlooking the beach from that place through a giant window, sitting at a table eating. Cloud, a romantic? Eww, that's totally a Zack thing. . . And neither of them have normal hair. . .

"Are you comfortable?", he asked, almost out of the blue.

"Yeah.", I said.

"It figures. . .", he said, his eyes growing distant. "Because of, your thoughts. . ."

"What about them?", I asked. "I'd be comfortable ANYWHERE if there were more chairs like this. . .", I said, looking at the leather chair I was in. TOO DAMN FREAKY.

"It's normal, in fact, a good thing to comfortable in anyone's own mind" He stepped behind me, and I continued to look out the window.

"Okay, Aeris?" I looked up. ZACK?!

I woke up still kinda early in the morning, which is really unusual for me because I like to sleep in a lot (which only hopelessly reminds me about the places I HAVEN'T slept, but at least it means I'm not a whore or something. . .), and I really didn't know it was my birthday. Honestly. I'm supposed to be dead somewhere in the Lifestream and decided then age was probably not important anymore, so I guess it stuck subconsciously. So, I moved downstairs, no knowing where the hell I was going (way too groggy; got up before I woke up), except to the smell of breakfast. DAMN, WHERE DID TIFA LEARN TO COOK?! A CULINARY SCHOOL?!

"HELLOOOOOO AERIIIIIIS!" Rachel was bobbing about like normal, pretty much happy as usual, or I don't know, on a sugar high or something. . . That child was dropped on the head, I SWEAR. . . She's nice when you get down to it, but she's way spacy and that can tire you out. "HAPPY DAY FOR YOOOOOUUUU!"

"What?", I thought. "It's morning?" See. No idea of where or when I was. "Oh yeah. . .I smell food. . ." The normal group was sitting at the table, you know, Vincent, Laura, Lucrecia, and then Tifa cooking Rachel doing whatever doesn't help, and then CLOUD! Ahem. I'll get to his importance in this BUUUUUT. . . He's so CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE! I wouldn't say he's hot because that might boost his ego, and it's FINE where it is now. . . (coughyeahrightcough!), but really. THE EYES, THE BICEPS, THE SKIN TIGHT SHIRT AND. . .the hair. Remind me to ask him about that again.

"Hello, Aeris. . .", he said in that silkily, velvety, sultry, yummy, delicious, TOTALLY. . .cute voice.

"Yes, my impassioned lover. . .", I responded, not caring who the hell heard.

"Care for me to give you my. . ." He took my wrist and spun me to his lap and into his arms. "Present?" He picked me up and ran me upstairs, and we spent the day. . .doing STUFF. FIN! (Fin, yes, the French word for end. Don't ask me what French-land is, as far as I know, there's no country named THAT. . . Rachel must have gotten even weirder to make up countries. . .)

God, you know you don't buy that story. Even I don't buy that story. And at any rate, if that were the case I wouldn't be telling you my story. I sorta DO wish it were the story though. . . AHEM! You didn't hear that.

"Aeris?" He was still talking to me. "Are you okay?" I know he cares about me, no shock there, and as much as I wish I could've said something else. What did I say, you ask?

"Mmph. . .bacon. . .", I grumbled. Bacon. COME ON! EVERYBODY WOULD LOVE BACON IF EVERYONE TRIED BACON! BACON AND PIE! TWO UNIVERSALLY LOVED FOODS! Now, bacon-pie. . .Sounds a little nasty, but it could work, right? WHY AM I EVEN TALKING ABOUT BACON?!

"Yeah, here's your bacon. . .", said Vincent, sliding over a plate of some closer to my normal chair.

"Jesus, Aeris, it looks like you were run over by a chocobo.", said Laura. Christina, who had just turned around looked like she would spit out whatever was in her mouth. Wow, thanks you guys, rub it in I'm not a morning person.

"HOLY SHIT, AERIS!", shouted Tifa. "Uh. . .I mean. . . Hi."

"I get the point. . .", I grumbled, sitting down to my seat. Why was everybody pointing this out? Was it THAT important?

Everybody was acting a little suspicious at breakfast. They would just say how great a day it was probably going to be for me, and what I wanted to do, and to brush my damn hair because I look like a wookie. Meh. 2 out of 3 is okay.

"Why do you ask?", I said, feeling better.

"You know why.", said Tifa, finally sitting down to breakfast. "Of all people YOU should know." WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?! WATCH CID RUN OFF AND GET MARRIED AND I WOULDN'T KNOW FOR FIFTEEN YEARS!

"Uh, sure. . .", I replied. "Of course. Wait, it's already Valentine's Day?" A couple snickers and shocked expressions came from everybody else. What? Was a holiday about love, chocolate, and fat naked babies with wings a crime?

"Not quite. . .", said Laura. Not quite what? NOT QUITE WHAT?!

"Indeed. . .", said Rachel. INDEED WHAT?!

"It's uh, not Valentine's Day, Aeris. . .", said Christina. NOT VALENTINE'S-oh. That's not quite what. Indeed.

"Uh, Aeris. . .", said Vincent. "Are you SURE you don't know what day it is?"

"Saturday?"

"I GOT THIS THING AND-

"NO.", said I. Lucrecia had pulled out this funny looking helmet that was strapped to your head and would fry your brain. At least that's what it looked like.

"Okay, Aeris. . .", said Cloud. "Today, what happens to you?"

"Uh. . ." I was drawing a blank. Cloud was asking what was happening to me? Either I was becoming a mutant, spreading wings and flying, doing the national Shinra dance in a chocobo suit, or he was. . .gonna decide to do. . .stuff. With me. ALONE.

". . .Mutant flying dancing chocobo doing stuff. . .", I mumbled, still a little dazed For some reason, Rachel was stifling laughter. What? Was something in my teeth?

"Uh, Aeris?", asked Tifa this time. "How old are you?"

"22.", I responded. What? Was she reveling being two years younger than me? What's wrong with being 22?!

"Thirteen plus ten, Aeris. . .", said Laura.

"23?"

"GOOD GIRL!", she said.

"Yeah? So I can add. Can't you?" Their jaws dropped. Seriously, I must have had something the size of a piano in my teeth.

"Aeris. . .", sighed Cloud. "Happy b-

"NO!", hissed Rachel. "Have some fun with this. . ." Have fun with what? I couldn't hear the rest of the conversation, but hey! Aeris likes to have fun, too! SEE?! NOBODY TELLS ME ANYTHING!

"Happy b. . .b. . .", he said nervously. "Happy boxing day?"

"ALL RIGHT! BOXING!", shouted Rachel. "I WANNA FIGHT FIRST!"

"FIRST. . .", said Laura. "Boxing day is a holiday where you pack up Christmas decorations."

"Yeah?" Rachel was pointing to a withered Christmas tree. "We still got that."

"AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY. . .", said Laura. "It's a CANADIAN holiday."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!", shouted Rachel.

"Making up countries again?", I asked.

"Apparently. . .", said Tifa.

Canada? Ha, ha, ha! There is no Canada! Must be a tropical dystopia by the sound of it. . . ANYWAY, nothing really happened in the afternoon. UNLESS, you DO want to hear about how I got all the aphids out of my garden. MWAHAHAHAAAA! THEY DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST LUCRECIA'S NUCLEAR-. . .Oh. YES! UHEH! RIGHT! ANYWAY, TO THE EVENING!

I heard stuff from downstairs. I dunno, but it was getting pretty loud. Curious, I was nearing the door, when all of a sudden. . .

"Aeris?" I could tell it was Cloud through the corner of my eye. I let him approach me, while I shuffled through a few things on the desk.

"Yeah?"

"Aeris. . .", he said. "It is time to declare my undying love!"

"Oh Cloud!"

"Yes, my snoogie ookums!", he said.

"Truly, my Mr. Stud muffin?", I asked.

"Of course. . .", he said, his voice growing as smooth as velvet, as I stared into his voluptuous lashes and into his googly royal blue eyes. Perty. "Let me tell you. . .In my OWN way. . ."

"Take me, Cloud!" And uh, we just sorta did. . .stuff. And then um, a little more stuff. It was. . .fun. . . Uh. . . That's the conclusion of my story! END!

Okay, fine. Yeah, you know, I know, we AAAALLLL know that wasn't the story. But hey, I gave it a shot, right? But, here's how it was.

"Aeris?" I could tell it was Cloud from the corner of my eye. I let him approach me while I shuffled through a few things on the desk.

"Yeah?"

"Aeris. . .", he said. "It is time for me to declare my undying love!"

"Cloud, what the hell are you say. . .ing?" Wow, how embarrassing. And odd. It WASN'T Cloud. It was. . . "ZACK?!"

"YES, MY SNOOGIE OOKUMS!", he shouted. "COME AWAY WITH ME!"

"ZACK, YOU PERVERTED JERK WITH THE MIND OF A TREE STUMP!", I yelled. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE?! YOU SAID YOU'D LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"I NEVER SAID THAT!"

"MY MOM TOLD ME!"

"SHE ISN'T ME, IS SHE?!"

"GOD, I HOPE NOT!"

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! YOU'RE MOM IS HOT! AM I NOT HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU, AERIS?!"

"YOU. . .YOU. . .EEW!", I shouted. "DID YOU JUST SAY MY MOM IS HOT?!"

"Yeah! But more importantly. . .AM I NOT A STUD?!" He posed a few macho shots.

"GET THE HELL OUTTA MY ROOM!"

"AAAWWWWW, AEEERRIIISSS!", he whined. "LLOOOOOVE MEEEEE!"

"NOOOOOOOO!", I screamed. What's his problem?! "GET OUUUUUUT!"

"AAAEEERRRIIIIIIS!" This time he grappled onto my leg, and I don't know whether he was desperate, or whether he was just trying to feel me up. I think it was the latter. I caved. AW, COME ON! SECOND CHANCE, RIGHT?! Or third. . .WHATEVER! And, the poor sad shell of the undead man he was just WON'T leave me alone, so I figured I'd take this to my advantage and show him TO LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!

". . .What do you want, Zack?", I sighed.

"AHEM!", he coughed. "Happy birthday!" He handed me a simple bouquet of those yellow roses I loved so much. Hey, not bad. . .WHAT?!

"BIRTHDAY?!", I shouted.

"Yeah!", he said, almost the same way he said it about my mom. Creepy.

"Duh. . Guh. . .Fuh. . .NOBODY TELLS ME THESE THINGS!", I screeched.

"HEY!", he said. "Calm down! You're gonna freak somebody out. . ."

"IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I CAN CRY IF I WANT TO, CRY IF I WANT TO, CRY IF I WANT TOOOOOO!" After that statement, it just felt a little weird. "Zack?"

"Yeah?"

"May I please retract that statement?"

"If you marry me or become my love slave.", he said. "GAK!" Hit over the head with my rod. Good for something.

"No way, Romeo."

"Aeris. . ." He looked more serious now, which was really a little awkward now because he was hardly the serious type. "Notice anything peculiar now?" Funny. He was right; there was definitely something odd about right now.

"Well, now that you mention it. . ." I took a few seconds, then spoke. "Nobody else said anything about my birthday. . ."

"RIIIIIGHT. . .", he said. "And, I'm the only one, you know?"

"True. . .", I said.

"So, don't you think I deserve something?"

"Well, I, uh. . ." Great. Another chance? ANOTHER?! How many chances was this again? Well, he came to me on Christmas and I denied him. . .He tried at New Year's. . .But, he never said it was a chance. . .So, this is either the third, or the first. . .Hmph. Maybe the second. God, I should've paid attention in math class. "Sure?"

"AERIS, YOU MADE ME THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE!" He paused after that. "Or, um. . .the happiest man on the Planet? I'm not alive, ya' know. . .Until you really, uh, love me and. . .stuff."

"So, what's this chance all about?", I said, cutting to the chase.

"WINNING YOU OVER, MY DEAR!", you said, swooping me over with an arm.

"Haven't you moved on yet?"

"Ah, but Aeris my dear, you are the only woman for me!"

"Why?"

"Because, most of the girls up there on the Planet are really old.", he said, and shuddered. "And don't think they didn't try asking me out. And ANYWAY. . .your mom is hot, but she's married and she's your MOM! Plus, you're more appealing because you're actually ALIVE, AND-

"Zack, let's go before I change my mind. . .", I grumbled. Not only was I hurt that nobody remembered my birthday (DAMN YOU EVIL SHORT TERM MEMORY! DAMN YOU I SAY! So, technically even if somebody DID, I wouldn't know anyway. But hey, nobody mentioned it all day, so I figured. . .), but if he kept ranting on, I swear, I'd either beat him to a pulp with my rod, or I'd run away sick. Really, would you want to go somewhere with a guy who called your mom hot?

"Zack?"

"YES NOW, MY HONEY OAT MUFFIN?!", he shouted.

"Stop that."

"So. . .", I said. It was a little odd from where I was because he had just transported me outside of the town. "Where are we going?"

"WHERE YOUR DREAMS DESIRE, MY LOVE!"

"I TOLD YOU, ENOUGH WITH THE NAMES."

"Yes, Aeris. . ."

"Anyway, where?"

"Like I said, anywhere your dreams desire."

"You're kidding."

"YEAH!", he said. I figured that. "Anywhere you HEART desires!"

"WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE!", I shouted.

"Easy.", said Zack. "Dreams. . ." He motioned to the left with his hand. "Heart. . ." He motioned to the right as he spoke slowly, and repeated.

"I get damn point.", I said, running out of patience.

"GOOD!", he said. "Oh, and here's the beauty of this scheme. . .", he said. "You can go ANYWHERE you want, until you find your true dream!"

"The catch. . .?"

"Once you find it and visit it, you can never return. . .", he said. "And you can't stay there, because as a wise man said, 'You can't live on dreams alone.'. So, your body would continue to starve to death and well. . .We wouldn't want that."

"Yeah. . .", I said. "Now, where ARE we going?"

"Must I keep explaining?", he sighed.

"Zack, you don't honestly expect me to believe that sh-ARE THERE PENGUINS IN NIBELHEIM?!"

"No. . .", he said. "But there is in a place called. . .the North pole. Heh, this world has funny names. Ever believe there's a place called FRANCE here?! AHAHAAAA!" Oh. So Rachel wasn't lying. . .WAAAAAAAIIIIT. FRANCE?!

"FRANCE?!", I shouted.

"YEAH, I KNOW!", he laughed. "AND CANADA!"

"This is. . .Laura and Rachel's world?" He seemed to check a map.

"When traveling through dimensions, always take a map! WOULDN'T WANT TO GET STUCK IN THE DIMENSION OF DISEASED RAT PEOPLE!"

"Can we. . .see this world?", I asked.

"You WHAT?! THIS WAS JUST A SAMPLE! Well. . .if this is what your heart desires. . .Or dreams. WHATEVER!" I took his hand, and he seemed shocked.

"Lead on.", I said. Anyway, wearing a dress is NOT a good idea to do in a place this cold! But the penguins are cute. "Huh?" This puffy bird thing walked up to me. "AWW!"

"AWAY!"

"ACK!" I took the bird with me. Oops.

"HERE WE ARE!"

"Where?"

"Uh. . .Wait, you didn't specify anything, did you?"

"No."

"We're in. . .Singapore." We were in a dank, tiny alleyway, full of hanging laundry.

"Uh. . .I know I didn't desire THIS. . .", I said.

"I HAVE A BETTER IDEA!", he shouted. Floosh! Off again. I still hope I had that puffy thing with me.

"OUCH!" I landed on my bum. "Where now?" It was much more pleasant looking, except for the wild stares they gave us. "Um, did they see-

"No.", he said. "I'm sure they didn't. . ."

"AERIS!", one said. "AERIS!" Suddenly, they began speaking in a frantic language I didn't understand.

"Where are we?", I asked.

"Ikebukuro.", he said. "I was aiming for Tokyo but it seems I was off and landed us here. . .Oh well, Ikebukuro will do!"

"No, it's not even that.", said somebody I understood. He spoke in that accent of the people here, though. "You're in Kyoto!"

"EVEN BETTER!", shouted Zack. "Do you know why-

"They're staring?", said the guy. "You look just like Aeris and Zack from Final Fantasy 7! DOWN TO THE LETTER! Except you.", he said to Zack. "You're mite bit shorter." I heard Zack grumble. "Are you cosplayers?"

"What?" He whispered the meaning in my ear, and I blushed. "Uh. . .no thanks."

"Ah, you'd make a great one. . .", he said. "Uh. . .why do you have a puffin?"

"Is that it's name?"

"It's the species. . ." He picked up the fluffy bird with long nose feathers. "BUT THEY ONLY LIVE AT THE NORTH POLE!"

"GOTTA GO!" I took the bird and ran.

"Man. . .", he said, or at least I could hear him as I ran. "She'd make a damn good cosplayer, hai?"

"HAI!", shouted the other guys there.

"AERIS! OVER HERE!", I heard Zack call. "JUMP!" I did, and landed. . .somewhere. We're not in Kalm anymore. . .

"Where's this? It's so. . .MESSY. . ." I picked up a random book off the floor, titled, "Love Hina." Freaky.

"We're in. . .Rachel's room. . .again."

"Again?"

"Is that you, Rach? Man, isn't Laura supposed to be home already and-!" Some guy came through the door, probably her brother.

"ACK!", I shouted. "MOVE ZACK, MOVE!"

"BURGLAR AND A HOT CHICK!", the guy shouted. But Zack had already taken us somewhere ELSE. "Uh, uh. . .", he picked up a bat off the floor. "I GOT DWIGHT! GET SOME!" We were already gone. "DAMMIT!"

"OW!", I shouted. "Woo. Swirly." We were in that time/space vortex thingy. Creepy when your ex controls stuff like this.

"Making sure there are NO problems whatsoever, tell me. . .", he said, looking at me with MAKO eyes that. . .seemed appealing at the moment. What do you know? Crisis makes me horny. HEY! STOP READING THIS ALREADY! TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER AND GO, GET SOME FRESH AIR AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE! "Exactly, where do you want to go?" Behind us seemed to materialize this beach with some structure on the cliff near the shore, with palm trees and a purple sunset sky, with stars just beginning to shine. Wow. Since when did he get so romantic? Oh yeah. He's Zack. That's what sets him apart from Cloud. Aside the HAIR. . .

"This looks fine. . .", I said. "What place is this?"

"A dream of yours.", he said. "Remember?" Oh. Right. This morning's freaky dream. . . HOW DID HE KNOW?!

"Uh, how do you know?", I asked. He was suddenly wearing a suit, and of course, I was in the bikini. Man, why do I always have to end up in this stuff?

"I visited.", he replied. Maybe that's why Zack turned up in it. "Sorry, if I had to invade. . ."

"Just don't do it again. . .", I sighed.

"Here." He helped me up, and began leading me to that building, that was like a huge beach house. "I'm sure you're familiar with this."

So there I was, sitting with a cute guy in a dream vacation spot wearing a bikini that I'm pretty damn sure attracted him, and you know, my body isn't THAT bad (I'm a girl, I'm not totally fine with the way I look, but I'm sure I don't look that bad. . .right?), drinking what I think was chardonnay in a fine crystal glass looking on a perfect white sandy beach with a beautiful starry sky, in a large, lavish beach cabana on a cliff with a view. Something isn't right.

"Why this?", I asked. "I have other dreams, you know?"

"This is the only one I saw. . .", he said with a weak smile. "Do you like it?"

". . .Thanks Zack.", I said. "It's been an okay birthday, I guess."

"An okay birthday?"

"I'm a little put down nobody remember it. I didn't even remember it." He still looked a bit disappointed. "HEY, HEY! I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING, I SWEAR! IT'S GREAT! I-

"I know, I gotcha Aeris.", he said, giving to me a reassuring smile. Why aren't I happy yet? I mean, damn, am I THAT picky?! I'd really hate to think so. . .

"Well. . . In that case, want to go onto the beach?"

"I think we'd have to.", he said.

"Why?", I asked.

"You left that puffin thing down there."

"Hey, this is nice.", I said, picking up the bird off the ground. "Water's good, fuzzy bird thing that's kinda cute, a guy with a six-pack, and this is a date."

"Something's up, isn't there?", he asked. I could only think of one problem, but I didn't want to admit it. There was something still missing, even after all of this. I couldn't tell him.

". . .Nothing!", I said, giving him a smile, which he returned. "What could be wrong?"

"Nothing, as long as you're here.", he said, giving a joking look. Yeah, even through all the perfection of the evening, I could tell, nothing serious was gonna happen. He's a joker, that won't change.

"Thank you very much, Mr. Suave.", I said. "Uh. . ."

"What?"

"What's your last name?"

"It's-

"SQUAWK!" The bird let off a noise, and jumped out of my arms, chasing a crab that was running away from him.

"That's. . .an uncommon one.", I said.

"Hey, I'm from Gongaga. Don't expect anything normal."

"The monsters there are mainly triceratops on tractor tracks.", I replied. "I wouldn'tve guessed anything to be normal after fighting one of those." He stopped walking with me. "What? Is that thing like a mascot for Gongaga or something?"

"I wanted to ask you.", he said. "I really did."

"Ask. . .?" Yeah, you're thinking I'm supremely and utterly dense, huh? Well, I guess I am.

"I remember. You never thought I was serious. I am."

"Serious? You can be but-

"Aeris, why do you think I'm still here for you?!"

"Uh. . ." I was really blank at this moment. "Because you couldn't get any on the Planet?" SEE?!

"I don't need to tell you anything.", he said. FREAKINGOUTFREAKINGOUTFREAKINGOUT. . . "You know my question." Yeah, he pulled out the ring. I got. . .REALLY NAUSEOUS. "Please?"

The waves roared beside me; everything was in order.

"I. . ." ACCEPT! ACCEPT DAMMIT, WHY WON'T YOU RESPOND?! "Can't." NOOOOOOO! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!

"I thought. . .this was your dream.", he said. For some reason, he was seriously crushed. Yeah. I said "for some reason". I didn't think it was me putting him down, because I think he wanted to live, rather than be with me.

"It's not.", I said.

"Then what is?"

"You said you were serious. You weren't.", I replied. "If you were, a ring wouldn't matter."

"But I-

"What matters, is how we feel.", I said. "But, I don't feel this at all. This isn't my dream."

"I saw it myself!", he said.

"My dream. . .", I said. "was with Cloud." It hung in the air. AW FUTZ, NOW WHAT DID I DO WRONG?! AAAAAAAGH!

"It's. . .good.", he said. "Because you can still be here, now that I know it's not your true dream. You could always come back."

"Zack." Time to bash him again. . . "I can always see my true dream, because I eat with him every morning at breakfast." Man, I think I said that skeptically.

"So. . .see your dream." AND FADE! Really, it faded, like in a freaky dream sequence or something. But the next thing I knew, I woke up on my bed.

"Aeris?" Laura walked in. "Dinner!" I grumbled. Watch this be another dream sequence. I'll be forced to waked up every time it gets strange.

"SQUAWK!"

"AAAAAAH!" It was that bird. . .WAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIT. WHY IS IT HERE?!

"PUFFIN!" Rachel immediately bolted in a hugged it. "IT'S SOOOO CUUUUUUUUTE! Oh. WHOOPS!" She set it down. "COME ON!" Grabbing my hand, she pulled me, all the way down the stairs.

"I'm not hungry. . .", I groaned.

"YES, YOU ARE!", she shouted.

"BUT, I'M NOT-

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

"ULTIMA!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" I thought they were gonna jump me! SO WHAT IF I TEND TO BE PARANOID?! I COULD'VE SWORN THEY WERE BURGLARS!

"Ouch. . ." Everyone just sorta surprised me for my birthday. . . As much as the plot of this story was WAY predictable, at least I got my thoughts out. And ya' know, I had a good time, blah, blah, blah. . . But here's why I'm telling you all this crap.

"Aeris?" Cloud walked up to me, and if I could've guessed, he was really nervous. "I uh, don't have your present right now, but I uh. . .could give it to you LATER. And I uh. . .sure it will. . .please and satisfy you?"

". . .Fine?"

"GOOD!", he said, looking relieved for whatever reason it was. But wait. Excuse me but. . .I'M GONNA DO IT! I'M GONNA DO IT! AHEM! Thank you.

So, here I am, finishing this up. I'm waiting for him up here right now, and if he doesn't get here soon. . .HE'S DEAD!

"Aeris?" She dropped the pen and slammed the diary shut. 12 pages, full of whatever she was writing. "Your present?"

"Uh, uh. . ."

"Just sit down, while I get it." She sat down, looking pale on her bed. "Close your eyes. . ."

"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GAAAWWWD!", she thought. He neared, and she almost began to perspire, but didn't because hey, would you wanna do it with a sweaty person? Or, is that the goal? Hey, I'm a virgin, I wouldn't know!

"OPEN YOUR EYES!" She did. And. . .huh? "A BRAND NEW WEAPON ROD! DO YA' LIKE IT?! OW!" She grabbed it, and began hitting him with it. "OW, OW, OW, OW!"

"YOU IDIOT!", she screeched. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR?!"

"A PRACTICE TARGET?!"

"CLOSE ENOUGH!"

"OW!"

"Aeris, have you seen my rod?" Laura walked in, and saw Cloud mashed into a bloody pulp on the ground. "HEY! YOU FOUND IT! But why is it bloody?"

"Ow. . ."

* * *

AN3: ::sulking::

Aeris: What's up with her?

Tifa: Her laptop was taken away, so she won't be able to write this story as much.

Aeris: Then why are we even having this conversation?

Tifa: She found where her mom hid it, and now types on it whenever her mom is out. Which is pretty damn often because of work.

Aeris: So. . .?

Tifa: Yeah, okay, we all know writing won't really be slowed as long as her dad keeps his promise of not telling her.

Aeris: Gotta love the man. But uh. . .

AN3: What?

Aeris: Why don't you just kill this god awful story if it sucks so much?

AN3: . . .People seem to like it.

Everyone: large eyes

AN3: WEIRD, ISN'T IT?! HOW COULD SOMETHING SO BAD BE LIKED SO MUCH?!

Rachel: 'CAUSE I'M IN THE STORY!

AN3: No, I'm pretty sure that's not the case.

Laura: It's so bad it's good?

Keo: I endorse it?

Tifa: Men are naturally attracted to me?

Selena: Men are naturally attracted to ME?

Tifa: glares

Selena: smiles

Brad: Uh. . .pass?

Mike: I'm just so kick ass, people MUST love it?

Christina: I'm smart, and even I don't have an answer.

Rachel: mutters Maybe 'cause you're NOT.

Christina: What now?

Rachel: NOTHING!

Cid: Who the hell knows?!

Shera: Want me to check in on it?

Lucrecia: Should I threaten everybody with this death ray and-

Everyone: NO!

Reno: shirtless Isn't it obvious?

Konoshi: looks in mirror EVERYONE LOVES SILVER HAIR AND PINK HIGHLIGHTS WITH RED EYES! AND YAOI!

Set people: stare

Konoshi: What?

Kami: Beats me.

Omega Dragon: What was the question?

Kirokaki: Uh. . .It has chocobos?

Nyow: ALL FF has them. poof!

Mia: changes from Nyow Really? How come I haven't found any so far in FF8? poof!

Nyow: changes from Mia BECAUSE YOU'RE BLIND!

Holly: DUH! CLOUD'S IN IT, AND HE BELONGS WITH ME!

Cloud: backs away

Sadie: shrugs

Sephiroth: shoves Reno aside takes off cloak NOW, isn't it obvious?

Sephy lovers: SWOON!

Surka: HEY! BACK OFF!

Kristi: We have nothing better to do?

Hacker: Easy. We all love stealing stuff off the set. makes off with random prop

Sky: I'm too pretty to be ignored!

Hacker: You STILL look like a hooker.

Cid: hands Sky a 100 gil

Sky: beats him to a pulp

Meagan: I'm not even a character. Why am I here?

Lucrecia: I KNOW! THIS TRACTOR BEAM I MADE! NOBODY CAN RESIST!

Kyoko: Because I'm AN3's friend. PAY ME BACK MY MONEY, DAMMIT!

AN3: sweats

Eternal: eyeing Seph's bum (yes, he's a man.) I know it's evident.

Sephiroth: backs away

Korus: flexes muscle THE LADIES LOVE ME!

Ladies: back away with Sephiroth

Keily: RUUUUUFFFUUUUUUUS! glomps

Rufus: mobbed I'M NOT YOUR BROTHER, DAMMIT!

Keily: HUGS FOR BROTHER! squeezes

Rufus: CAN'T. . .BREATHE. . .

AN3: STOP TRYING TO FIND OUT! IT'S LIKE A TWILIGHT ZONE THING! NOBODY KNOWS, AND NOBODY CARES! But anyway. . .Don't worry, since I have more than one place to write my story, AE will continue. Yes, I know you're all sad and disappointed that it will, but you know, you can always do something else. LIKE, GIVE MORE VOTES, DAMMIT! Really, it matters, and YES, FINE, VOTE FOR YOURSELF! I DON'T CARE! I'M RUNNING OUT OF ENERGY, SO GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO BEFORE I PASS OUT! THREE MORE VALENTINE'S DAY EPISODES, THEN, WE DO SOMETHING FUN! It involves a tropical island, tribal ideals, desperation, and being stuck. BUT FIRST, YOU VOTE! shakes fist threateningly GO! CHAPTER. . .37 I THINK! NOW!

Rachel: BYE BYE!

Selena: I still think it's me. . .


End file.
